Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#13124 - 04/27/12 01:25 AM Help with recovering in the afternath
TheChallenger Offline
member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 11
Hi there, I hoped I posted this in the right section of this forum.

After the psychopath had left our lives and when the "game" was over, I find myself in a state which scares me a lot. I'd love input and advices to help recover from this state I've been in the last years.

I haven't spoken to anyone about the state I am in, as I've turned afraid for the answer, I've got thoughts running through my head and fears towards myself, and in this topic I will be completely open. Why I post this here is more for advices from people who has been in touch with psychopaths as I have, and what helped you.

The state I've been in after has more scared me, after the game was over I've been quite afraid of myself.

I came in this state after he left or at least became aware of it then.
Today I still struggle with things and I wonder, is it possible to be turned in to what one feared or fought against. Some sayings say; If you stare in to the darkness long enough you find the darkness staring back at you, to look in to the light for too long, you find yourself being blinded and one who acts out of vengeance should dig two graves, one for his victim the other for himself.

Today I think if it is possible to develope psychopathy or psychopathic tendencies. I remember before I was someone with emotions, I felt happyness, joy for others, cared about others, now I have sort of fallen in to a flatline when it comes to emotions. I've caught myself many times lately when friends confess their problems to me that I feel nothing, I can listen to them but I feel nothing, I can't even put myself in to their shoes, I can come with advices to them but I can not emotionally connect to them. I do have empathy, but it seems just extreme things can bring out my feelings these days, I do not even feel fear. With extreme things, I mean, I was in a car accident some time ago, it was a minor one, I was in the bus when a car rammed the side of the bus. Me and the bus-driver ent out of the bus and when we turned the corner of the bus, I froze, I felt that gutwretching feeling of what I saw, for in the car I saw a woman over the wheel, unconsious and in the backseat a girl, perhaps 4-5 years old, screaming at her mom, I felt her fear.
I also find myself staring out the windows at times, just staring and in the mirror my eyes have turned from lifefull to...not exactly the same emotionless eyes my psychopath had, but I see no emotions in them, a constant sad look.

I can honestly say I've not manipulated my friends (except when we were fighting the psychopath, I manipulated them, in a "good" way if there is any..I never gave them the reason why I did what I did which I view as manipulative).

IT all confuses me a lot, and i sit back with all these questions. I've also been in a comiited relationship with a girl which has been going on for some months, and even to her I feel nothing. She know what I'7e been through and I have confessed for her this state I am in, and she has told me these things will go away, but three years? I do love er, or I at least tell myself I do as I do things for her, my work these days give me little wth cash, but what I have I spend on her with gifts and trips. She told me she understands my fears, but I shouldn't worry as she has seen me play with her nephew when we watch the little fellow and that I still put myself in harms way for others or help them as much as I can...but is it because I say it' the right thing to do?

My girlfriend has also tried to comfort me when I've asked her if anything. She says she doesn'2 fear me . However I am unsure if she says it because she fears me or not, i a confusing state of mind. I have also become quite self-aware if that is the correct word after the psychopath left, the doctor I spoke to before just said its normal after living for nine months always thinking through whatever one says, every step one takes and such.

Anyone else had this too? I'd love some advice or thoughts from people who has been through the same or the thoughts of those who has been through what I have been through and what I fear of becomming.


Edited by TheChallenger (04/27/12 01:56 AM)

Top
#13125 - 04/27/12 08:12 AM Re: Help with recovering in the afternath [Re: TheChallenger]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
It is a confusing state to be in.

I think there are some important differences between them and us though.

Perhaps it's a case of feeling disconnected from one's feelings because we are utterly exhausted from the whole experience, very frightened and, well, stunned from it all.

The disconnection we feel is a sort of self preservation, to allow us to live a little, at a very basic level and to give us some time to start to heal, to process, to reconnect very slowly all those connections that the psychopath very deliberately went about destroying.

Another important difference between us and them...yes, we see the choices in front of us very clearly (the possibility of exploiting and using other people) but time and time again when we might find ourselves in front of these choices, we choose to turn away from them. Whereas they deliberately hunt out and engineer situations where they can exploit and hurt people. Are you getting the difference? It's all about the intent and then what path you choose when you are faced with those options.


Edited by starry (04/27/12 08:13 AM)

Top
#13127 - 04/27/12 08:38 AM Re: Help with recovering in the afternath [Re: starry]
TheChallenger Offline
member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 11
Yeah i understand what you mean starry, I just have this weird feeling and it has been there since he left. I understand the disconnection, and I know it's a way of self-@erservance, but it has taken some time since this chaotic era in my life.

It bothers me a lot, do I make the choices because I know its wrong/right as I had emotions before and sort of know..
I tend to question myself all the time these days, do I do this because its right or is it because I am reeling people in to my grasp? I do not know how a psychopath think when he does his things, but I own a few characheristic that doesn't fit a psychopath, i feel expandable, lost the self-,onfidence I once had.

I am sorry for babbling such, might turn out they will return, I am still young and such, but there are a few thoughts I want to vent and hopefully people can set me straight.

TAke my girlfriend, I'd die for her as she has showed me so much kindness, I do act goofy around her, but I am with her and I feel sort of empty but insinctivly change around her, I do not lie lie or cheat on her, something in me screams don'2 do it..but again, I feel sort of dead. I did discuss it with her, and she was so kind that she even said she felt grreat around me and I bring her joy, and if/6en they return we would take it from there. She has so much understanding which amazes me, but she said something that comforted me for a while. SHe said when I smile, do I force it? I do not' it happens automaticallyy, then she responded that my emotions are there in my sub-consious but they are not reaching to my sensing center or my brain as locked it out because of what you said, self-perservance.

EVerything is so confusing, questioning eveything I do, evven this I question.

It' a messed up state and if someone has had the same and for how long I'; love some more advices on how to work myself out from it.

Top
#13132 - 04/27/12 02:34 PM Re: Help with recovering in the afternath [Re: TheChallenger]
becky Offline
member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 86
It hasn't been that long for me but, after cleaning my room today I found a picture of a woman on my vision board that had a warm content smile on her face....I remember putting it there because I felt that was how I feltwith the psychopath!.....I don't feel that way any more..........I'm trying to find that within myself now... I'm still beautiful,I keep trying to convince myself...

Top
#13138 - 04/28/12 01:35 AM Re: Help with recovering in the afternath [Re: becky]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
There was a topic here called Does it rub off?, you might wanna look into that.
Of course their behavior affects us. My Psychopath almost totally convinced me that I was crazy! Crazy because I had all these feelings - empathy-which he said himself on many occasions he finds funny and doesnt feel, anxiety, fear and so on.

And that makes perfect sense when you realize they dont have any feelings. So they cannot possibly understand it. For them we are truly crazy, just like people with schizofrenia are crazy for us as they see and feel things that we cannot.

And it is normal to feel this way. We are all deep down inside - just animals with brains.

I feel the same as you - although its been a long time I still feel disconnected, cannot fully experience my life. But Im trying to take one step at a time.
Most people would tell you to 'forget about it'. Thats not a way to deal with this!
All the time I see these people who were definitely hurt by a Psychopath, and they say i'ts OK, coz they didnt mean bad, yes, I was hurt, but (I am too scared to deal with the truth) so I'll go on not thinking about it and still doing the same mistakes I did with the Psychopath'. And these people end up in the arms of Psychopath again and again.

Yes, the evil we've discovered is something mind-breaking, and it makes you feel like you cannot exist in this world anymore. But MOST of the people are good. Its about finding those and keeping them around you. And whenever somebody does something you dont accept, just cut them out. Thats what I do, and, piece by piece Im regaining my life again. I hope you can too. Just remember that its a process.

Top
#13139 - 04/28/12 05:20 AM Re: Help with recovering in the afternath [Re: FreeBird]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Originally Posted By: NewBird

Yes, the evil we've discovered is something mind-breaking, and it makes you feel like you cannot exist in this world anymore. But MOST of the people are good. Its about finding those and keeping them around you. And whenever somebody does something you dont accept, just cut them out. Thats what I do, and, piece by piece Im regaining my life again. I hope you can too. Just remember that its a process.


This is what I've been working on.

Also, if I get that bad feeling about someone in the pit of my stomach, I just walk away. I don't get caught up in their drama, and I don't get caught up in their confrontations. I don't need to justify my decision to anyone (myself or other people). I just walk away wishing myself (and them) peace, knowing that my decision is the best one for me. There's no reason for me to have anyone in my life who is not bringing me peace and joy.

It's a bit more difficult when manipulative people (not talking about psychopaths here, just your regular kind of nasty, manipulative people) are part of your own family. But you know what? There's nothing to stop me taking the lessons I've learnt from the psychopath and applying it to them as well: I see them and their game for what it is, I have a strong boundary through which their bad intent cannot pass through, I don't react in any way and I stay in the neutral zone (thanks to Di for this one!).

Yes, it's a lifetime's work, and I am conscious of working on it pretty much every day. I would say that this work is the most important thing in my life, because it gives me the space and the quiet to just be who I am at this point in time.




Edited by starry (04/28/12 05:53 AM)

Top
#13140 - 04/28/12 05:53 AM Re: Help with recovering in the afternath [Re: TheChallenger]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Originally Posted By: TheChallenger
Yeah i understand what you mean starry, I just have this weird feeling and it has been there since he left. I understand the disconnection, and I know it's a way of self-perservance, but it has taken some time since this chaotic era in my life.


It's been over 20 years for me. But I know that every step I take on this whole journey takes me further away from him and into a better place.

Don't be afraid of the confusion and pain because it's telling you there's something important there that you need to work out. Whether you choose to work on it, or not, or keep it for another time, is another question, and one that only you can answer.

The whole experience is bound to change you and affect you in ways you never even imagined, because you never even imagined these people existed or what they were capable of. I would say there's really no rush in trying to work everything out and get answers for everything. An important lesson I've learnt, for me, is that it's OK to sit with the 'not knowing'. It's not the same kind of emptiness that psychopaths force on you, but a stillness that is full of possibilities and answers. I can appreciate the stillness and take time to look at the answers that might drift into my line of vision.

I've done a lot of work with a couple of very good counsellors to do with staying in the present. Mainly because I was so stressed (PTSD) that my whole system was on overdrive. The minute I started trying to describe my dad, or who he was, or what he did, I would completely absent myself from myself and sort of step into his shoes and right back into the past. My counsellor said she could feel him in the room.

Absenting myself from myself and stepping into his shoes (his train of thought) was how I survived him, and so it served me at that point in time, when he was in my life. I mean, I can even do his voice and mannerisms, right down to the very last detail!

That survival tactic stopped serving me when I chose not to have him in my life any more. I've needed to learn to start noticing the moment it happens, the moment I start disconnecting from myself and absenting myself. I'm learning to do it not through talking about him, or what he did, continuously rehashing it all and probably aggravating my PTSD but by learning to connect with just being in that very moment, and feeling comfortable sitting with the 'just being'. There doesn't need to be anything to fill the 'just being', there can be whatever I choose. And my choices, I've noticed, are all very positive, forward looking, healing ones.

And to me it seems that the positive, forward looking, healing choices are the choices you're making too. You're exploring a relationship with a very positive, open person. You want to care for her with the decisions you're making. You have hope for the future.

You like what she said about the smile (actually, so do I)? Keep a hold of that. Don't question it, there is no need. Remind yourself of what she said, and notice how it makes you feel. Notice how your body reacts to that, your eyes, your breathing, your muscles. And that's it. It really is that simple.

Don't know if that helps any?

Top
#13142 - 04/28/12 07:49 AM Re: Help with recovering in the afternath [Re: starry]
TheChallenger Offline
member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 11
Yes, Starry it helps me a lot of what you're saying. I am sorry it becomes much about my thoughts, but as I said, and people told me, I am still young and I am seeking answers and trying to vent out thoughts I am afraid to have with my closest and the councellor I had, afraid to be locked up, and well, here we're all anonymous.

I think I will take your advice and start feeling on my body when I notice I smile, how my body reacts. Might be that I have to explore myself all over again, get to know myself.
What you said abot my relationship, yes, she's a very kind and loving person, and I want to protect her, I can talk to her about almost anything, but I keep some away for her own safety, more that she shouldn't worry too much, since I do not want her to make her feel like she has to "take care of me like a baby" if you know what I mean, I am not even sure if that is correct, but we use each other, she tells me about her problems, and unfortunately I can not as I said, put my self in her shoes, but I want to help her, my logic screams at me saying I shall help her as she helps me, and we've been through a lot due her position in life.

Even though your words has soothed me a lot, I still can't shake off that feeling in the back of my head, but it might go away as I start working with myself as I will be doing now, but not with just talking to someone that simply questions me why and how and what I felt, but work with myself, my counsellor gave me no advices at all, just listened to me talking about my experience, my thoughts around it and such, not a single thing on how I can start to return to a "normal" life.

Twenty years is a long time and I have come to terms it may take a lifetime to overcome, and my journey has just started, might be that I have still not broken out of my shell because I am afraid I might meet other persons like my Psychopath, but I try to comfort myself that a Psychopath, it's a low chance to meet someone else with that same mental disability.

But yeah, might be I am doing as you did, stepping in to HIS shoes subconsiously since I am so afraid of turning in to a Psychopath, he's in my mind, and question myself, is this how THEY feel or something like that, trying to reach in to their train of thoughts as if to know if I have developed tendencies or not, but I will try and let it be, it will be hard, I know, for my mind continously fall back to those events, my gf even told me it might help if I wrote a book about it, didn't need to make everything as it was, change area, people, but keep the essence of what happened, I am sitll unsure but the thing has struck me again and again, perhaps I should. Write about my experience, make people aware of these people, that they are around us.

I noticed many people think a psychopath is much like someone in the movie American Psycho or Hannibal Lecter, make people aware that psychopaths doesn't neccesary means they run around slicing people open or eating them, but that they feed on us on a social aspect, give people a hint on how it is for a victim, how the enviorment around us changes.

I do not view myself as a victim, even though I am, as the psychopath didn't directly target me, I was just a peasant in his game of chess, he just ended up bringing me in by stealing my ex and I, as stupid as I am, rushed in, head first to make vengeance, tell him I do not take likely on when people wound me. I know I would do it again if I had the chance, but not to execute vengeance but more to protect my friends, not to try and win someone back, it might've gone better for me, but done is done, I have to live with it.

I have been offered meds, but I denied the offer, I do not need to be put on anti-depressant, it doesn't help if you ask me, it just postpone the problems and you end up without emotions as I suffer from now.
Are there any other things I can do? Ways to work with myself and try to put a closure on this case?

Top
#13147 - 04/28/12 10:24 AM Re: Help with recovering in the afternath [Re: TheChallenger]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi TheChallenger, I think you are in the right place to start your journey back to the real you, here others can help you with what worked for them.

I think the expression "one day at a time" is too long in these cases and it is more like one breathe at a time, it sounds simple but it takes work with such trauma to be in the present and take that next breathe and keep bringing yourself back to your center of what is really you.

You are wise to not accept medication, I did and it did indeed prolong the process and also had some serious medical consequences.

Last week I meet with the most wonderful psychologist, have been to them all, they all either didn't get it or wanted to shut me off with medications, he is going to work with me to help me with my self esteem issues that are still holding me back after all these years.

I made a vow when I turned a year older recently that I will never accept toxic people in my life ever again, first signs and they are out. I think I have Psychopath radar to keep them out but I found myself involved with a couple of toxic people in the last few months. I had really just shifted from the extreme end of bad people in my life. Now I am firm and that is how I will move forward.

Di

Top
#13149 - 04/28/12 10:57 AM Re: Help with recovering in the afternath [Re: TheChallenger]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Originally Posted By: TheChallenger
Yes, Starry it helps me a lot of what you're saying. I am sorry it becomes much about my thoughts, but as I said, and people told me, I am still young and I am seeking answers and trying to vent out thoughts I am afraid to have with my closest and the councellor I had, afraid to be locked up, and well, here we're all anonymous.



I don't think it matters how old we are. We're all on the same journey, we all want to a way of living which is better than what we had to go through.


Originally Posted By: TheChallenger

I think I will take your advice and start feeling on my body when I notice I smile, how my body reacts. Might be that I have to explore myself all over again, get to know myself.



I thin anything that helps you reconnect with the various aspects of yourself is a good thing, be they physical, emotional and/or intellectual.

So even really simple things, like when you eat something you like and enjoy, how do you react? How does your mind react? How does your physical self react? How do you react emotionally? It's about tuning into all those things gradually, with patience and compassion, with observation and with appreciation for everything that you notice.

It's like you said, exactly like you said...getting to know yourself all over again. Giving yourself time to do that, to enjoy the process. There is no rush here, just as much time as you want, to explore whatever aspects you want.

There is nothing to be afraid of, as you've already survived the most frightening part.


Originally Posted By: TheChallenger


What you said abot my relationship, yes, she's a very kind and loving person, and I want to protect her, I can talk to her about almost anything, but I keep some away for her own safety, more that she shouldn't worry too much, since I do not want her to make her feel like she has to "take care of me like a baby" if you know what I mean, I am not even sure if that is correct, but we use each other, she tells me about her problems, and unfortunately I can not as I said, put my self in her shoes, but I want to help her, my logic screams at me saying I shall help her as she helps me, and we've been through a lot due her position in life.


The desire to protect and shield the ones we love from what we have been through and what we know now is very common.



Originally Posted By: TheChallenger

Even though your words has soothed me a lot, I still can't shake off that feeling in the back of my head, but it might go away as I start working with myself as I will be doing now, but not with just talking to someone that simply questions me why and how and what I felt, but work with myself, my counsellor gave me no advices at all, just listened to me talking about my experience, my thoughts around it and such, not a single thing on how I can start to return to a "normal" life.



One of the hardest things I've found is that there is nobody who can give you the answer to all of this.

I believe that each of us already has the answers to the questions we're asking within us. It's a case of posing the question very precisely, learning to sit with the question, and exploring the solutions, opportunities and possibilities that come up within us.

So, to pose a common question, 'why?'. An answer we might come up with is 'because everyone has free will and makes choices'. The next question we might thing of is 'what do I want to do with my free will?'. An answer might be 'to live a good and honest life'. The next question might be 'how?'. An answer might be 'by being honest with myself and kind to myself'. Again, a question might be 'how do I do that?'. And an answer 'by acknowledging and honouring my physical, emotional and intellectual needs'. 'And what are those needs?'. For someone it might be closeness with someone else, for another person it might be to have a strong and healthy body, for someone else it might be to enjoy a coherent train of thought'.

I tried to think of something universal and easy to understand, but you see how it goes.



Originally Posted By: TheChallenger
I am afraid I might meet other persons like my Psychopath



I think everyone here has this fear. This fear has dominated my life. But, to be honest, I'm bored of feeling so frightened, and at the same time I'm utterly exhausted with it. My question at the moment is 'Am I prepared to give up this fear for unknown rewards?'. It's an easy question for me, as the answer is yes.

Giving up the fear has involved opening myself up to friendships (something I've never really been too keen on, not really trusting people much). But it's been a revelation, truly. Other people have been so open, so unguarded, so forgiving, much more so than I ever have been. I have welcomed them into my life with a good and open heart, and that has been amply repaid. I have to add, not everyone has been so open. There have been manipulative people who I've felt have wanted to use me for their own gain, but as soon as I've had the feeling of uncertainty, as soon as I've had the weird, creepy skin feeling, I've just walked away. I've not engaged in their drama, I've not stepped into their arena of conflict, I've just smiled, turned away and walked off, and let them have a free run of the playing field. My life is about other things now.


Originally Posted By: TheChallenger

I do not view myself as a victim, even though I am, as the psychopath didn't directly target me, I was just a peasant in his game of chess, he just ended up bringing me in by stealing my ex and I, as stupid as I am, rushed in, head first to make vengeance, tell him I do not take likely on when people wound me. I know I would do it again if I had the chance, but not to execute vengeance but more to protect my friends, not to try and win someone back, it might've gone better for me, but done is done, I have to live with it.



The minute a psychopath targets us, and we start working out survival strategies, we're survivors. This is what a lot of people don't get, what it takes to survive in this reign of terror, to come out the other end and to live.


Originally Posted By: TheChallenger

I have been offered meds, but I denied the offer, I do not need to be put on anti-depressant, it doesn't help if you ask me, it just postpone the problems and you end up without emotions as I suffer from now.
Are there any other things I can do? Ways to work with myself and try to put a closure on this case?



Your answers tell me you're an extremely strong and resourceful person. You know what you want for yourself and where the answers lie for you (self analysis and self discovery).

So I'm going to throw the question back at you. What would closure mean to you? How would you describe it? How does it feel? What would do you want to do to get closure?


Edited by starry (04/28/12 10:59 AM)

Top
#13154 - 04/28/12 01:32 PM Re: Help with recovering in the afternath [Re: starry]
TheChallenger Offline
member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 11
Wow, Starry, what you wrote was like a revelation for me.

I know what you're talking about, that with age, just heard it so much, almost been indoctrinated with the word, young, had questions to my counsellor or peers, questions I dared to ask, got the answer, but you're still young. So sorry for that ,but as you say, it's the truth, doesn't matter what age, we still react on the same level.

That with the food, to feel and sense again, I will follow that advice, I see the course you've more adviced me to take, and it's a brilliant thing, even though for some people it might be viewed as silly, for I sort of take people on the word, lean back and be, Oh how does it taste, how does it make me feel, etc..Will be some slow dinners the time ahead, poor gf.

Originally Posted By: starry
The desire to protect and shield the ones we love from what we have been through and what we know now is very common.


It's how you say it is, to protect her about worrying, for I see she worries when I might sit an hour or so and stare out in the window (wow I sound like a mental patient on a locked ward), when I return and she's looking at me. I know my flaws at least, as the incident has brought me closer to myself and manage to try and look at myself in a third person, at least my logic mind is not scarred, but it also comes from, I believe, the time where I had to weight my words, how I acted and all that, and it has helped me somewhat to see my problems. I do not want her to worry, for gods know what she thinks, what she is afraid to ask, if I am thinking these dark thoughts or not, which I am not, I just go over the event again and again, what could I do differently, and how a person can do as he does and let it go out on others, I can't even fathom, but yet I somewhat manage to understand the nature behind it..or I think I do, we'll never know, for how a psychopath thinks and analyzes we can't even imagine, which has scared me, and I need to let go off that fear.
I want to protect her, care for her and do whatever she wants me to do, why I can't even answer and it might be my subconcious talking, logic tells me she's been so kind and she doesn't need or deserve pain, for your words got me thinking, might be as you and she said, the emotions are there, but are disconnected, but still controls me. We have free will and so far I've used it, I hope, to just make it easier for people in their lives.

Originally Posted By: starry
One of the hardest things I've found is that there is nobody who can give you the answer to all of this.

I believe that each of us already has the answers to the questions we're asking within us. It's a case of posing the question very precisely, learning to sit with the question, and exploring the solutions, opportunities and possibilities that come up within us.


Why I signed on to this forum, in my life nobody has given me an answer that has eased my mind of all these things, and my father adviced me to seek up a group or group-therapy, and this forum popped in to my mind, perhaps some has some answers and perhaps what I experienced and did might help someone else.

We all know what is good for ourself, but the problem as you said, ask the right question, and many times we can't ask the right question to ourself, and someone might ask the right one.

But what you say about fear:
I haven't the same fear as you, but more what I will do if I meet someone like him again, my reaction. But I've found it easier to cut off toxic people from my life, those who use me and take advantage of me and my situation. Fortunately most of my old friends I still have a connection to, some moved others are busy with work and such but we still meet and hang out at least twice a month, which I think is a good thing, we didn't loose everything at least.

Your question about closure got me by surprise, I have to really say it, had to think a lot before answering now, as I found myself, what do I mean by closure?

What I hope will be a closure is that I do not run around thinking I've turned in to what I fought, throw away that fear, to regain my emotions or at least feel them again. To look back and just nod and say, it happened and I need to learn from all this, to go on with my life without that fear and train of thoughts bothering me.

It is an achievable goal I think, but I need to work towards it, but just need the right questions.

Originally Posted By: Dianne E.
Hi TheChallenger, I think you are in the right place to start your journey back to the real you, here others can help you with what worked for them.

I think the expression "one day at a time" is too long in these cases and it is more like one breathe at a time, it sounds simple but it takes work with such trauma to be in the present and take that next breathe and keep bringing yourself back to your center of what is really you.

You are wise to not accept medication, I did and it did indeed prolong the process and also had some serious medical consequences.

Last week I meet with the most wonderful psychologist, have been to them all, they all either didn't get it or wanted to shut me off with medications, he is going to work with me to help me with my self esteem issues that are still holding me back after all these years.

I made a vow when I turned a year older recently that I will never accept toxic people in my life ever again, first signs and they are out. I think I have Psychopath radar to keep them out but I found myself involved with a couple of toxic people in the last few months. I had really just shifted from the extreme end of bad people in my life. Now I am firm and that is how I will move forward.

Di


It's good to hear you found a psychologist that actually seems to understand the problem and not want to throw you in to a haze of narcotics to "get away from the problem". Yeah, but it's a hard thing you have to go through, Di, toxic people are hard to find at first, but when notice them, I agree, close them off from your life, you do not deserve such people in your life after being what you've been through.

Top
#13159 - 04/29/12 05:08 AM Re: Help with recovering in the afternath [Re: TheChallenger]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Originally Posted By: TheChallenger

That with the food, to feel and sense again, I will follow that advice, I see the course you've more adviced me to take, and it's a brilliant thing, even though for some people it might be viewed as silly, for I sort of take people on the word, lean back and be, Oh how does it taste, how does it make me feel, etc..Will be some slow dinners the time ahead, poor gf.


I try and apply this principle to lots of areas in my life. So, focusing on and appreciating everyday acts, like eating, breathing, feeling the weight of your muscles in your body and how that changes as you relax.

And I try and apply it to problems and difficult times too. So stopping to think about a problem and breaking it down into the smallest parts has been working for me. To give you an example, I find it difficult to cope with negative and manipulative people in general now. It's like my whole system shortcuts straight to overdrive and I go right into full on panic mode. I know the feeling really well, I'm really familiar with it. So when I get that feeling, I know I have to stop and backtrack a bit. I ask myself some questions: how is my breathing, and I try and focus on that. If I'm stressing I know it's shallow and fast, so I try to slow that down very consciously. I know what muscles will be tense, so I focus in on those and try and soften them. I try to feel the connection between my feet and legs and the ground, because I know this is one thing that I lose completely when I feel like this. After all of that, I remind myself that I have a right to my feelings (which I never did with my dad), and a right to be present in myself and in my body. And I remind myself that I can choose how to react to this person/situation.

It's a lot of stuff to process, I know. And sometimes it might take me a week or so to get there, after I've experienced something negative/manipulative from someone. Kind of like slowly bringing myself back from the brink if you like. Other people (people who haven't been through what we have) might do all of that without thinking about it, and in the flash of an eye. But I've had to learn how to do that, because I jump straight to absenting myself.

I'm not sure if you can relate to any of that, or any of it is helpful for you.

Originally Posted By: TheChallenger

It's how you say it is, to protect her about worrying, for I see she worries when I might sit an hour or so and stare out in the window (wow I sound like a mental patient on a locked ward), when I return and she's looking at me. I know my flaws at least, as the incident has brought me closer to myself and manage to try and look at myself in a third person, at least my logic mind is not scarred, but it also comes from, I believe, the time where I had to weight my words, how I acted and all that, and it has helped me somewhat to see my problems. I do not want her to worry, for gods know what she thinks, what she is afraid to ask, if I am thinking these dark thoughts or not, which I am not, I just go over the event again and again, what could I do differently, and how a person can do as he does and let it go out on others, I can't even fathom, but yet I somewhat manage to understand the nature behind it..or I think I do, we'll never know, for how a psychopath thinks and analyzes we can't even imagine, which has scared me, and I need to let go off that fear.
I want to protect her, care for her and do whatever she wants me to do, why I can't even answer and it might be my subconcious talking, logic tells me she's been so kind and she doesn't need or deserve pain, for your words got me thinking, might be as you and she said, the emotions are there, but are disconnected, but still controls me. We have free will and so far I've used it, I hope, to just make it easier for people in their lives.


Wow, there's a lot there, that you said.

All I can say is that you did what you thought was best at the time. That's all that any of us can do. The past has happened, and all we can do is try to find a way of being which is free from pain and suffering in this present moment.



Originally Posted By: TheChallenger

I've found it easier to cut off toxic people from my life, those who use me and take advantage of me and my situation. Fortunately most of my old friends I still have a connection to, some moved others are busy with work and such but we still meet and hang out at least twice a month, which I think is a good thing, we didn't loose everything at least.


So there is the answer to your question. What do I do if I meet someone like that in the future? You know already, and you've done it - cut them off from your life. And you're also finding a way to protect yourself from it, with your circle of friends, who know you well and who have stood by you.



Originally Posted By: TheChallenger

What I hope will be a closure is that I do not run around thinking I've turned in to what I fought, throw away that fear, to regain my emotions or at least feel them again.


So the thing that causes you most trouble is the fear that you've lost your emotions, which are something precious to you, something very fundamental?

At the moment it seems like you're staring into the abyss and at the horror of it all (which is pretty bad, we all know that here and understand it). And the horror of it all is the fear that you've lost your emotions.

Maybe instead of staring down at the abyss, try to inch back from it and look at something which is good and positive for you? Something which inspires you instead of frightens you? What do you enjoy doing? What do you have a passion for? Something creative? Something to do with sport? Do you like cooking? Reading? Learning new things? Looking at nature?

My counsellor suggested I keep a journal of gratitude. I really like the sound of this. Every day I write a sentence, or a word, or stick a picture in which I like, something that fills me with joy and happiness, something that I am grateful for. I've noticed I've started looking out all these positive things in my daily life, actively looking out for them. And with that, I've noticed that I actually feel different in myself. I noticed it in the car one day. I felt...light, bright, filled with positive energy. And I wondered if that feeling had anything to do with my train of thought. So I tried a little experiment to see. I deliberately thought about my dad. And it was incredible, I felt heavy, leaden, like I was wearing a steel corset and someone was holding me down by the ankles. It was a horrible feeling, I hated it, and I wanted to be back in my light, free, happy place. And now the strange thing is I really don't think of him much at all now. I've gone from thinking about him I'd say 95% of the time, to practically not thinking about him at all.

I guess what I'm trying to say is what we think about influences us in so many very subtle ways. So if we think about their hate and poison, we end up being affected by that, our bodies react to that. If we think about positive, life affirming things that we enjoy, our bodies react to that as well. And there are lots of different ways of inviting those life affirming things to be present in our lives.


Originally Posted By: Dianne E.

I think the expression "one day at a time" is too long in these cases and it is more like one breathe at a time, it sounds simple but it takes work with such trauma to be in the present and take that next breathe and keep bringing yourself back to your center of what is really you.


Absolutely. Single breaths are the building blocks of life.



Edited by starry (04/29/12 05:09 AM)

Top
#13160 - 04/29/12 09:06 AM Re: Help with recovering in the afternath [Re: starry]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Starry, you are so wonderful for this great answer. You have summed it up so well.

I know people think sometimes Zen is a religion but it really isn't, the sum of it is to be in the present moment one breathe at a time.

One day after a meditation session I asked the Zen teacher what to say when someone says something negative or tries to unload on me and she thought for a moment and said, say, "well, if I were in your shoes I would probably feel the same way". Have used that often because if you really think about it you are never going to be in their shoes, you only have your own shoes to be in. It stops me from getting into their "stuff" and staying in my own moment. No one has ever caught that I am really just saying something that gives me an exit from the conversation. I then get away.

She also said one day that when we decide to beat ourselves up over the past it is only a matter of how big a stick we pick to use.

I plan to start using your techniques to find the gratitude, there are many things that I have to be very thankful for, it is too easy to overlook those things that bring us true joy and peace. Finding them is the key to feeling at peace in the moment.

For starters I am very grateful for all of you for taking this journey together. I hope for those that post and the many that can't bring themselves to post that we will all find the peace we deserve. With every thought a member posts I learn a lot and for that I am very grateful.

Di

Top
#13162 - 04/29/12 10:06 AM Re: Help with recovering in the afternath [Re: Dianne E.]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Thank you Di, for taking care of us in this wonderful forum.


Originally Posted By: Dianne E.
what to say when someone says something negative or tries to unload on me


This is what I've been thinking about these past couple of weeks. I'm trying to think ahead a bit now, to develop strategies and have them at hand for when I meet someone negative or manipulative.

Originally Posted By: Dianne E.

and she thought for a moment and said, say, "well, if I were in your shoes I would probably feel the same way". Have used that often because if you really think about it you are never going to be in their shoes, you only have your own shoes to be in. It stops me from getting into their "stuff" and staying in my own moment. No one has ever caught that I am really just saying something that gives me an exit from the conversation. I then get away.


And this is a perfect answer. I had thought that I should just agree with everything, 'yes, I can see how that must be difficult for you', type answers, as a way of not being forced into a defensive position. But I like you teacher's answer better. It's quite elusive wink


Originally Posted By: Dianne E.

I plan to start using your techniques to find the gratitude, there are many things that I have to be very thankful for, it is too easy to overlook those things that bring us true joy and peace. Finding them is the key to feeling at peace in the moment.

For starters I am very grateful for all of you for taking this journey together. I hope for those that post and the many that can't bring themselves to post that we will all find the peace we deserve. With every thought a member posts I learn a lot and for that I am very grateful.

Di


Maybe we should start a gratitude thread on the forum? wink

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >