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#14225 - 01/21/13 06:48 PM Re: How to have no contact? [Re: Vgbwi]
Smokey Offline
member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 78
I think we can all identify with your words.
It is so difficult to try to reconcile our emotional, hopeful hearts that get hooked on false image and false promise, with our logical heads, as we come to see the real demon behind the idealised partner.
So difficult to explain to anyone who has not experienced it. I found I had to keep reminding myself of the dark reality, and to try not to dwell on the beautiful but unattainable fantasy, and to come to recognise where the devastating reality lay.


Edited by Smokey (01/21/13 06:49 PM)

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#14333 - 02/26/13 05:00 PM Re: How to have no contact? [Re: Dianne E.]
newbeginnings Offline
member

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 6
This forum has been a life saver - been reading so much and I dont know where to start posting - but the concept of no contact is one I can aim for.

I have been in a relationship with what I now realise was `a very typical Psychopath/s for 8 years. I loved him and we were engaged, but there were enough warning signs of something wrong that I procrastinated on actually doing the wedding bit. I can pat myself on teh back for that now!

I was 47 and had been divorced from a verbally abusive husband of 25 years shortly before I met Psychopath/s and he took advantage of my vulnerability. Did I mention he was gorgeous, intelligent, charming, musical and amazing in bed... I am intelligent and successful and financially independent - naive, trusting and was totally duped.

After heart surgery, he developed ED - I was concerned that the relationship fizzle was going, but accepted these things happen as we age... until one night 8 weeks ago he made me a coffee at 6pm while we planned dinner after a lovely day out together and he announced he was moving out to live with someone else. He said her name, that they both wanted to be friends, and gave me a hug. Five minutes later he was gone. Bam.
I was bewildered for the rest of the evening - tearful and shattered.
I tossed and turned and couldnt sleep. SO I went online and used the passwords of his that I knew to see if I could open anything - I wanted to know when it all started and who she was - as you do...

OMG. I got in - and I could not believe what I was reading. The man was a sick, sadistic sex predator. Pages and pages of perverted, disgusting messages. and that was without seeing most of it in online chat rooms.

Still shattered, but understanding that I was well rid of him, I picked up the pieces and coped with his moving his stuff out.
At soem point I found a hard drive and had the sense to hide it. After two weeks, I managed to unlock it and hit the mother lode... videos of him performing sadistic acts - he is now under police investigation for home movies containing objectionable material - full of humiliation, pain, torture and punishment. He is advertising for a slave to share his life with his new woman/ or sub/concubine as he refers to her. He has at least six otehr private profiles on bdsm sites looking for women to hurt....
He doesn't know I have the hard drive... next month I will hear what the police will do ( or not).
I will need a protection order and stil have to face this....

The one positive is that although I miss the illusion of the relationship I thought I had, I have seen with my own eyes the alter ego at work and can quickly squash any fantasy of what we had. He was cheating all the time we were together - and with prostitutes, slaves, bdsm, you name it. Life as I knew it disintegrated and the journey through recoery hell began,

No contact - no regrets - it was not my fault - I was groomed, chosen, preyed on and spat out.
Hurt, bruised, yes. It will tkae a long time, if ever, before I trust or love again. But at least I can - and I will. He will hopefully go to prison.

I expect some of this can go into other forum areas - but overall I just want to say thank you for reminding me that this was DONE to me.

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#14336 - 02/27/13 07:39 PM Re: How to have no contact? [Re: newbeginnings]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi newbeginnings, welcome to our community, whew where to begin. So very sorry for all you have been through.

Quote:
that this was DONE to me


So very true and a great way to look at this. There is really nothing you could have done to prevent all of this, that is the hardest thing that victims aka survivors learn to understand.

It is indeed sick the level these people will go to, I think cheating, and out of the norm sexual tendencies are part of what happens when a person is missing a conscience. These people bring new meaning to living a compartmentalized life

I hope you are very safe, and we can help you in your journey to mental well being.

Di

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#14375 - 03/07/13 07:41 AM Re: How to have no contact? [Re: Dianne E.]
Shayna Offline
member

Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
I am just 2 days into my no contact. I too miss the phantom I fell in love with and the fantasy life we were building. I don't miss the emotional abuse I took and that's what I keep reminding myself of when I feel the need to talk to him... besides, I realize now that even if we did talk almost anything he'd say would be a lie.

The last contact we had was when we met and I officially broke up with him. All the typical behaviour ensued, the crying, the temper tantrum- he even flung himself on the floor. It was unbelievable. I never imagined a 41 year old man could behave like that. Before we met I read through this site and dozens of others to learn what I was up against, so knowing all that made me stronger. It's almost laughable how perfectly textbook his reactions and answers were that night; like a programmed robot.

I think my demeanor and what I said that night might've made him decide I wasn't going to be manipulated anymore so he might not waste his time. I've read that they come back to try again but I'm not counting on him returning. I'm sure he knows that I know what he is at this point. I wonder if HE knows what he is sometimes. But that's not my burden to shoulder anymore.

Of course I miss him. If I'm not doing anything at night I come home from work and just go to bed so I can get past the worst of it. I can't wait until I'm normal again.

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#14378 - 03/07/13 07:10 PM Re: How to have no contact? [Re: Shayna]
1962 Offline
member

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Shayna,

I had to smile when I read your description of your break up. I was with my "Psychopath" husband for 31 years and he had never shown much emotion rather than anger all these years. The day I confronted him he threw himself on the floor, pounded the ground and grabbed at his face. His facial features actually were quite appropriate- he looked distraught. I must had had an odd smile on my face (as I found this whole scenario quite predictable also). He got up off the floor, pulled down his shirt and said," I guess this means we won't be wroking things out." This was after I told him I knew he poisoned me and that I had been deathly sick for months. This was Christmas- I still miss what I thought was the life and person who I would retire with. I still find it hard to believe that I didn't know what he was all this time. Hurts like hell to know now.

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#14387 - 03/11/13 11:53 AM Re: How to have no contact? [Re: 1962]
Shayna Offline
member

Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
I'm so sorry 1962. Even though I've been through what I have I still can't begin to imagine what you've been though. frown After my N threw himself on the floor he crawled under a desk and barricaded himself with two chairs. I had a general understanding of it then, but after reading everything I can on narcissism, that reaction was quite "normal" for him. He got up after a few minutes but continued on his rant of how awful I was.

Getting back to the no contact thing- he emailed me 4 days ago to give me a 'heads up' that he was going to be emailing a few of my friends in some sort of smear campaign. By the time I got the email one of my friends texted me very upset, another contacted me via Facebook asking what the heck is going on. I made the mistake of calling him, so I gave him what he wanted. No more.

He also stopped by my house the next day to drop something off that I'd left at his house. Nothing important and something I had forgotten all about; i could have lived without it. I was home all day but he didn't knock; he just left it outside on my porch, just to let me know he was there I suppose. He lives an hour away.

I unfriended and blocked him and his ex-wife on FB (he told me in his email he's still seeing her and had been the whole time we were together, not a big surprise there) and am in the process of changing my email addresses.

I now believe he won't stop contacting me or trying to ruin my life. I hope I'm wrong.

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#14388 - 03/11/13 06:32 PM Re: How to have no contact? [Re: Shayna]
1962 Offline
member

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Thanks Shayna- My "Psychopath" is in the devalue and discard phase I believe. He doesn't contact me at all any more, but tells our sons that I refuse to speak with him. Not true, but it is useless to speak and try and resolve any asset distribution with him (circular speaking- says one thing then changes his mind- then back again).

My other concern is that he is just planning his next attack- always on guard with this one.

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#14407 - 03/17/13 03:33 AM Re: How to have no contact? [Re: Shayna]
warrioress Offline
member

Registered: 03/16/13
Posts: 72
Shayna, I know about that 'fantasy life'. He kept promising me too -great returns on our mutual business, which was always somehow just beyond the horizon, month after month. I still to this day don't know the truth of it.

When I went in for a 'protection order' , it shamed me that my first reaction before court while he was sitting there outside- was to 'talk to him'. On the other side of the bench I kept asking myself , WHY? He's a delusional freak of nature and every contact you ever had diminished you, not one ever nourished you. Your mind has to talk to your emotional body.
Then we went into the court. He was SO full of rage that he had been caught, he was acting like the 'cock of the walk', he denied doing anything to me or breaking any of my stuff, and the Judge got pissed off. There he was, with a cast on his hand, denying that he broke my windshield. I was instantly issued a 10 year order of protection with no hearing and damages. He was so rage-filled everyone saw it.

In talking to the DA, they see this [censored] all the time.

You dont MISS HIM, you miss a fantasy. Its very important we understand the difference!
I know weekends are the hardest for me, so I try to spend time with people who care about me, even though sometimes I break down and cry, I dont give a crap anymore about what they think.

A month into no-contact, I have some stable days, a few bad moments, then Im ok again. Healing happens fast, though it seems slow. I had extra added bad since it's likely he killed my dog, and that's been the worst of it. Really, the worst thing ever.
People say stupid stuff, like 'just love yourself' but it's hard to know what that even means. So lets talk about specifics:

Take a shower everyday, use products you like that smell good and familiar to you, or change them if they remind you. I notice smells I love ground me.

I watch movies or whatever to distract me for a few hours. Comedies and things like that.

Eating can be hard, but I filled my fridge with goodies, fruit and softer foods I can manage. Even if I cant eat much, a full fridge makes you feel normal.

Rebuild whatever he broke: replace material goods, stop feeling sorry for yourself in any way you can do, incrementally.

Sleep it off.

Walk.

I know advice is stupid, I hate people who give me advice. Like 'get over it' or whatever. But I really recommend, other than remembering every bad thing he did to you, remember the look in his eyes and the knowing in your heart that it wasnt right from whenever that started. Your sub-concious knew and don't second guess that. Mine Totally knew. I had bad dreams when sleeping with him. My dog got in between us all the time. He thought she was loving on him, but I knew better. I always felt she was scared and was trying to convince him not to harm me. We know somehow. Take that knowing and stick with it for your life.




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#14467 - 03/20/13 06:07 AM Re: How to have no contact? [Re: warrioress]
Shayna Offline
member

Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
Warrioress, those are all excellent suggestions. Hard to do at times but you're right.

One of the reasons I redid one of the rooms in my house last weekend was because it was painted/decorated between us both, and we compromised on the colour. After I left him that was the first thing I did when I was able to. Now I can't love that room more... so glad I flushed him out of that space.

6 days no contact for me. I'm almost ready to cancel the email addresses he knows about and my phone number; I intend to do everything all at once, so if he sends something and realizes he can't get through, all other means he knows are dead as well. I hope to have everything done by next week.

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#14475 - 03/20/13 09:51 AM Re: How to have no contact? [Re: Shayna]
1962 Offline
member

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Good idea to break contact all at once if possible. It's best to go "cold turkey". I think the reason I will never ever get NC is that my boys are a source of contact and then soon my grandkids will be too. I hate to think that I will feel this limbo for the rest of my life frown

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