Hi, was talking to my Psychologist, boy is he great.
I was exploring my "hyper alert" feelings both from childhood and then being taken down by a Corporate Psychopath. I am getting ready to make my first big sales call and starting back to work. All these things are roaring in my mind. As an example and trust me there are many they may sound silly. For example my mother for many years insisted that my hair looked better shorter and then when I grew out my hair and saw my mother she said my hair never looked better. I was criticized for my lipstick, weight etc. On the positive side those critical comments worked to make me presentable but they still to this day have this nagging fear that my lipstick won’t be perfect etc.
I told him that I needed to explore these imbedded feelings so that I can focus on the positive side of me and no longer let these things as crazy as they sound not drive the rest of my life.
He said the term would be: hypervigilant and explained that those feelings have a great impact on our health as they rise to levels that are not healthy. Hypervigilance Definition
Hypervigilance is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hypervigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion. Other symptoms include: abnormally increased arousal, a high responsiveness to stimuli, and a constant scanning of the environment for threats. Hypervigilance can be a symptom of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and various types of anxiety disorder. It is distinguished from paranoia. Paranoid states, such as those in schizophrenia, can seem superficially similar, but are characteristically different.
Hypervigilance is differentiated from dysphoric hyperarousal in that the person remains cogent and aware of his or her surroundings. In dysphoric hyperarousal, the PTSD victim may lose contact with reality and re-experience the traumatic event verbatim. Where there have been multiple traumas, a person may become hypervigilant and suffer severe anxiety attacks intense enough to induce a delusional state where the effect of the traumas overlap: e.g., one remembered firefight may seem too much like another for the person to maintain calm. This can result in the thousand-yard stare.Symptoms
People suffering from hypervigilance may become preoccupied with studying their environment for possible threats, causing them to lose connections with their family and friends. They will 'over-react' to loud and unexpected noises; become agitated in highly crowded or noisy environments etc. They will often have a difficult time getting to sleep or staying asleep. Source
I had a few drinking incidents there spaced out over a period of years and eventually gave up drinking. One brother, in particular, likes to allude to those times as a reason I should not be respected or given family responsibility. It is just a convenient excuse, but it still hurts. These incidents happened almost 30 years ago, for crying out loud. But any excuse works.
When these things happen I always remember the wise words of a great Zen teacher, she said when we decide to beat ourselves up, it is only a matter of what size club we choose.
They love to dig up the past as an excuse to "put you in your place". To this day my sister will dig up things that I did in my past to infer that they make me not trustworthy. We learn from our past, that is called growth but it can be used to "club" us back into that place if we allow it, many times it is purely projection on their part. In my case I haven't had a drink in over 15 years, yet my sister is one to pop the cork on the wine. My "wild days" are in my past yet you can see how projection works.