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#13344 - 05/27/12 04:09 PM Re: new developments around my son - help? [Re: starry]
worried female Offline
member

Registered: 05/25/12
Posts: 8
hi starry , the problem is that the police have been called to his house on so many times regarding him beating up women ,and nothing has happened , the social services where involved in his and son life but the social services where also fooled by him as he comes across in front of prof as very charming and polite and kind, so the social services belived what this man was saying , he blames all women ,he never admits to anything at all, he never says sorry or even thank you he said he doesnt believe in this, also my family feel i was drugged and spiked the time he did the sexual act to me as a couple of hours later i was fighting for my life in a coma and the hosp doctors said to my family they thought i had taken drugs , by being spiked, he had taken all my money which was thousands of pounds, and tried to kill me, i feel such a fool & confused as well as i didnt see the danger signs as he came across as so charming at the start ,the biggest worry is what he is doing to his own child , what do i do ? im scared if i do nothing then something bad may happen to his son, but im also scared of him finding out ive also reported him,

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#13345 - 05/27/12 05:17 PM Re: new developments around my son - help? [Re: worried female]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
The normal police are just everyday people, who are doing a job. And, unless you're really lucky, they are way out of their depth when confronted with this type of thing and these kinds of people.

But the unit I mentioned, they're specially trained, extremely highly trained, to understand this sort of dynamic and these kinds of people. I remember saying to them repeatedly 'he's really clever, he's really clever', thinking I didn't stand a chance here and they wouldn't believe me. But they got it, they really did, and in fact, they were the ones who made me understand that I'd been drugged. And I got the feeling they understood there was a lot more to my story than I could remember and than I could tell them.

Also, the important thing, is that there will be an official record of what has happened to you. So, say another woman goes to the police to make a statement about him, they check his name and your statement is already there, supporting what she says. Rape statistics are notoriously bad, as you know, but your statement will act as corroborating evidence. In fact, your statement will help support a lot of other survivors he may have hurt over the years.

You can ask to remain anonymous.

And although he knows that it was me who went to the police, for me, in my case, the police knowing acts as a safety net. If anything were ever to happen to me, whatever that may be (and let's face it, he's capable of anything) my statement would lead the police straight to him. And the last thing he wants to do is get caught, his whole life has been about keeping under the radar. So he's left me alone.

I understand how you feel, I really do. And I understand how frightened you are too. I think of it this way now, I've survived the worst, and possibly the worst thing a human being could put another human being through. And more than that, I've thrown a life line to anyone else who needs it, by giving my statement. If I was to pick the things in my life that I was proud of, it would be that I was most proud of.

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#13365 - 05/30/12 11:36 AM Re: new developments around my son - help? [Re: worried female]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi worried female, starry has some excellent advise. How old is his son now? You can just give an approximate age.

I can sense the turmoil this is bringing you but you do need to get healthy for yourself and his drama can continue to beat you down. I think from what you have said he is highly dangerous and am very sorry for the horrific physical issues he has brought into your life.

Like any occupation, there are some professionals who are just better than others, sometimes when a victim tries to notify the authorities our sense of balance and fear is so off that it can be brushed aside.

Di

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#13445 - 06/19/12 05:55 AM Re: new developments around my son - help? [Re: marinde]
Maree Offline
member

Registered: 05/10/12
Posts: 2
I have been in the same situation with my own children, now adults. Most psychopaths are cowards and rarely carry out what they threaten to do. The purpose is to create fear so they have control over you and your child. They play a lot of scary games.

The Family Court is a theatrical playground for psychopaths. It's a place they use for system abuse. Unfortunately psychopathy isn't easily identified in courts. Trying to point it out can sometimes mean losing your child. The only option you have is to stay calm and rational, state you have been threatened and are afraid without too much detail. You may not be believed but there will still be doubt in the legal minds so then try to put things into orders that will protect your child while they are with their psychopathic parent.

Arrange to meet in a McDonalds carpark so the child can move from one car to another without having to deal with any games. Have the least amount of contact with the psychopath as you can. Communicate in letters sent registered post and keep receipts.

Add that while the child is with both parents they don't put the child in any dangerous situations, or allow them to play with any dangerous objects, not operate any machinery without constant supervision. This way the psychopath can't have any so-called accidents.

Think of all the things they might do to terrorize you or your child and try to get them into the orders. Judges will agree if the conditions are reasonable and are for both parents and in the childs best interest.
Psychopaths are intellectual adults with the emotional needs of a child. Most are extremely jealous of the attention their children get from their other parent. They usually want the other parent to take care of their emotional needs instead and that's why they do what they do, it's to have control.

They also want parental rights but not the responsibilities that go with them. This is something else to remember in court. Always add responsibilities to the rights they want and often they will back down. Expect them to be a responsible parent and the pressure may become too much for them.

When you feel bad it's because your perceptions still aren't quite right. Learn to be vigilent and observant and learn all you can about psychopaths and the legal system you are dealing with.

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#13466 - 06/22/12 11:23 AM Re: new developments around my son - help? [Re: Maree]
marinde Offline
member

Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 58
Hi Maree,

Thanks for your advices.

I do hope you're right and he won't carry out his threats.

I fear of what he will do to my son once he's alone with him too. They want to force contact between me and him too. Right now, I believe my chances of keeping him away are around zero. My son is still very young so doesn't have any defence against psychological, sexual or physical abuse. I find it extremely difficult to stay calm and rational and think of ways to protect my son.

How did you manage to do that, having to send your children to such a creep? How did you psychologically protect your children from being indoctrinated, from trauma bonding? What kind of protection orders did you manage to get through?

I've already pointed out the risks to everyone but the ones having to decide either don't understand or don't believe.

I've tried forcing him to be responsible (pay alimentation) and he reluctantly did and now uses it to show everyone what a great responsible dad he is. At first he was very reluctant taking responsibility, but he seems to have changed now and just wants to win all the rights and responsibilities that he can have.

My lawyer adviced me to point out to the courts that I am so scared and collapsed out of fear for him...since it's the only thing I can prove and this according to the law could be a reason not to allow visitation. In practice however this (of course) is turned around by him, making me the one having to prove I'm a good mum. Even the loads of proof that my son is doing great and I'm taking good care of him somehow don't help.

More research is now to come, both him and me. I just don't know how to get someone to see through him.

My ex is definitely jealous, but more of my rights over the child. He owns him. He can't stand that I have control over something he owns. I'm afraid that his primary victim is or will be the `child.

Any advice is welcome..

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#13469 - 06/22/12 01:13 PM Re: new developments around my son - help? [Re: marinde]
marinde Offline
member

Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 58
Funny. Not that the money matters to me, he can keep his money... but I was just thinking of my ex taking responsibilities and he just cut the alimentation, paying much less this month. I wonder why.

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#13470 - 06/22/12 01:37 PM Re: new developments around my son - help? [Re: worried female]
marinde Offline
member

Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 58
Worried female,

I am sorry for not responding before, I was quite busy with the whole struggle for my son. Your story sounds horrible. I wish I knew a way to help, both for you and the little boy.

I think Starry has already given you some good advices though. I just want to wish you a lot of strength to deal with this in a good way.

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#13494 - 06/25/12 05:40 AM Re: new developments around my son - help? [Re: marinde]
marinde Offline
member

Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 58
OK... just wanted to complain a bit.

I've just had a conversation with the child protection worker who will "guide us to visitation". He has experience with people with antisocial personality disorder. But his opinion is "psychopath" is an old fashioned term. Even if he has antisocial personality disorder and can't empathize with others and understand their feelings, he can still be good for his child.

How on earth can someone who doesn't understand feelings of others (or simply understand the existence of others apart from himself) take good care of a child?

Grumble.

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#14131 - 12/22/12 03:35 PM Re: new developments around my son - help? [Re: marinde]
marinde Offline
member

Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 58
Hi there,

I haven't posted on this forum for a while. I've written a lot here when I was extremely scared about my ex going to court and threatening me and my son.

But we're still safe. And I've just this week received some extremely good news, against all my expectations, that I really wish to share. It might cheer up some others in similar circumstances and give them hope.

The court has NOT given my ex the permission to acknowledge my son, which means that he is NOT legally his father. This means he can also NOT ask for shared custody. For the visitation, they have ordered extensive testing of both his and my personality by a specialized forensic psychologist, to see if there is any reason in either his or my personality, or in our relationship between the both of us, that would be reason for him not to see his son. My ex asked to already start visitation before the personality test, but the court rejected this. Also, the child protection worker told me he could see something is wrong with him.

Obviously, I'm still VERY nervous about the test, the appeal (?) in higher court, and possible revenge. But still...WOW. I'm incredibly happy and relieved and wanted to share this. Already 1.5 years of courts and still no acknowledgement, no custody, no visitation! Hurray!

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#14132 - 12/24/12 07:18 AM Re: new developments around my son - help? [Re: marinde]
marinde Offline
member

Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 58
Oh, and something extra: I've now got the whole report of the judge... She is extremely careful in her arguments why she denies acknowledgement, has studied all documents in much detail, also citing texts of the both of us to argue why my fear for my ex is justified. Even though there was no very strong evidence, she clearly saw through him and even used his smooth talking against him.

I've been SO terrified for SO long, thinking no-one would ever see through his mask. On the internet I only read stories of psychopaths winning every court case. I wanted to post this success, also to give others in similar positions some hope: tides can turn, even if it seems totally hopeless! Sometimes people DO see through the mask, so hang on!

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