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#13359 - 05/29/12 05:46 PM I relapsed and I am depressed
hisonlyqueen Offline
member

Registered: 05/25/12
Posts: 26

I was strong and had no contact with with my psychopath for over a month but today I broke my promise. I feel really bad. And worse I think he will use it against me.
_________________________
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife but couldn't keep her;
He put her in a pumpkin shell...

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#13373 - 05/30/12 07:24 PM Re: I relapsed and I am depressed [Re: hisonlyqueen]
Smokey Offline
member

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 78
Keeping no contact can be very, very difficult, particularly when it is still all very recent.

Psychopaths will use anything against you so I will not lie and say he won't but just see it for what it was, a slip up, and try to establish no contact again.

Would it help to write yourself a detailed account of how you feel now, and any details if he does use it against you, to re-read to try to shore up your resolve if you are tempted in future?

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#13382 - 06/02/12 01:23 AM Re: I relapsed and I am depressed [Re: hisonlyqueen]
NotCrzy Offline
member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 61
I am in the same boat, I reconnected after 3 months no contact. It is not the first time I have failed no contact. I haven't posted much recently because I feel like a failure being unable to take the sensible advice of this forum re no contact. I don't feel that I should complain, or post about any issues or his behaviour because it is my "choice" to be in this relationship. At the moment I feel so weak and pathetic and that the only way out of this situation in the long term is for one of us to die.

I have no answers or advice for you, just want you to know that you are not alone.

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#13383 - 06/02/12 01:51 AM Re: I relapsed and I am depressed [Re: NotCrzy]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
Hey! You are not failure!!
In a weird way, each time you get this lapse of reason it will make you stronger eventually. Sure it brings problems, and you may feel like you're loosing because what you really want is his reaction and a human one, and thats just not gonna happen.
I, when I didnt know about psychopathy was trying that too - even though I had it right there on the table I would still try to talk to him to see if he is really such a monster. And he was. And it took me months to see it, but I would rather have all those 'downs' (messaging, talking to him) behind me and have this certainty now that still wonder whether he was really a psycho.

So dont be hard on yourself. Choosing your conscience and wanting to see someone as a human and not an animal (that they are) is not FAILURE. It is, on the contrary, a triumph of your goodness inside.

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#13397 - 06/05/12 11:25 AM Re: I relapsed and I am depressed [Re: NotCrzy]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
I hope that no one feels ashamed to post here if they relapse, it is why we are here to support you. Talking about it and hearing from others can give you the strength to say no the next time. Sometimes it takes a few tries, that is not unusual but know we are here for you.

Di

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#13417 - 06/11/12 06:20 AM Re: I relapsed and I am depressed [Re: Dianne E.]
NotCrzy Offline
member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 61
Thanks Di. I do feel like afailure, and this is not the first time. I wish i could stick to no contact. I have read back on my posts and feel like i was full of anger when i was no contact. I don't know how to get past that point to not caring at all. I had impossibly depressing days with no contact, but overall i was happier than i am right now, 3 months back into it. I don't need him in my life but i don't know how to et rid of him.

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#13418 - 06/11/12 11:55 AM Re: I relapsed and I am depressed [Re: NotCrzy]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi NotCrzy, you are far from being a failure, you just had a relapse which is quite common. I think we all want to remember the "good times".

Take baby steps, you can start by being in the present moment. You are a very good person who wants to believe the best. In the case of dealing with a Psychopath it just isn't possible. Write to us if you get the urge to respond. It is a process, I wish there was some easy answer but the fact that you are reaching out and knowing in your heart that no contact is your only route away from the pain and focusing on healing the horrible hurt that you feel. Who wouldn't be angry, that is a very rational way to feel.

When you heal from all of this the anger won't be necessary but I think you will find that you are a much stronger person than you can now give yourself credit for. It takes a lot of strength to reach out to us. You are not a failure, you just got sucked into a very bad deal. It is hard for good people to realize the extent of evil.

Be kind to yourself and know we are here for you.

Di

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#13420 - 06/13/12 10:22 AM Re: I relapsed and I am depressed [Re: Dianne E.]
becky Offline
member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 86
Hi notcrzy......The thing that has been helping me a little bit is the fact that I feel its a brainwashing...mind control tactic that the psychopath uses....If I can remember this it helps me to stay more focused on getting control back to myself...my mind....
I am still so..........sad 5 months later. He's totally moved on and could care less about me. But, if I can remind myself that If I can stay focused on the fact that I am only human and I had no idea about this mental illness and the evilness behind it...and that the new victim will find out just like I did somethings seriously wrong.......( I am angry at her too for her being there and taking my place so easily!!!! I know it's not her fault but she knew we had just ended a 3 yr relationship and was quick to get with him...like I said i'm working on that anger......it's not her i'm angry at...at least i'm trying to convince myself of that!!lol....really it's not funny.
Well, as you can tell i'm working on it........it's so flippin hard!!!

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#13422 - 06/13/12 12:27 PM Re: I relapsed and I am depressed [Re: becky]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
becky, you are very correct, it is a form of mind manipulation that all Psychopaths excel at.

It is a work in process to escape and know you are a very good person who got snared by evil.

Di

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#13424 - 06/13/12 05:08 PM Re: I relapsed and I am depressed [Re: becky]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
becky, something that just came to my mind as I was reading your post:
He did not move on - to move on means getting over something, living through your pain or whatever else. With a Psychopath there can be no moving on, since there were no feelings, emotions or any meaning in the first place. Thus they don't "move on", they never had a relationship with you, they never bound with you, or anyone else for that matter, so they cannot really experience any "moving on".

It is hard but somehow comforting in a weird way. It means you actually, though you have to go through all that now, have the thing they will always be missing (and they know, and they miss it) - the ability to feel alive. They are born dead, and they stay dead. Imagine you had no feelings, no love, nothing. Imagine watching the world form a glass cage and not being able to feel, smell, taste, touch. This is a psychopath's life.

Would you give up all that love and happiness and freedom and all of those great highs in life for the ability to not feel the pain youre experiencing now and will in the future?

That is what has helped me go through it and understand life better - without the pain we wouldn't be able to feel all that good in the world either. We'd be like them.

I know I would never want that.


And as for the anger - been there too. Sometimes it hits me again when I think about it. But I always ask - what is is that she has now - and its this illusion that I once had - the illusion of life, love and a relationship. Sure that illusion felt good, but it also felt horrible when I had a moment of truth and saw the cracks in psychopath‘s mask. She didnt take from you - she saved you from him. As weird as that sounds, it is true. What she has is your illusion that you so wanted to be true that you made yourself believe it. Because you didnt know the scale of the danger. None of us did and none of us, with our fragile sensitive conscience-ful minds, could have comprehended it. We hardly do now. That's why we keep on going there.

We are only humans.


Edited by NewBird (06/13/12 05:15 PM)

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