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#13461 - 06/20/12 09:37 PM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: FriedaB]
MalachiteMoon Offline
member

Registered: 06/17/12
Posts: 5
Loc: Texas
Originally Posted By: FriedaB
Originally Posted By: NewBird
Oh, and as for love and peace and letting go and wanting all the best and healing and love for psychopaths (not just mine, all of them) - I hope they die. I hope they die a long, painful, ugly death. I wish them all the worst. I don't feel a tiniest bit of that compassion. I wouldn't enjoy it, but if I saw a psychopath dying in the street I would never help them. Recently I had a dream about my psychopath being dead, and I know I would be very happy if he was (I felt such a release in the dream). I don't care, this is how I fell, I wish they all died.



I second that, thank you!



It certainly is not mine to judge, as I have never walked in another person's shoes. However, I long ago learned that harboring hatred only hurts and limits me as a human being. As hurt as I am by him (or by anyone for that matter), if I hold on to the anger and I turn it into rage, while it may seem to make me feel a little better at the time, inside it eats at my being. I diminish a little every day. Each day I permit hatred to gnaw away at me, I become increasingly bitter, less loving, more inclined to be likeÖhim. I am not a tree-hugging starlight airy-fairy Twinkie, mind you. I am a strong, vital woman, and I (typically) don't take crap from anyone.

I, however, do not hate.

Unlike him, I have genuine compassion for human kind, and like it or not, Psychopaths are humans. None of us knows how they became what they are (and I am certainly not suggesting that we go out and put ourselves in their paths or allow them to continue abusing us). However, similarly, some people might look at an incredibly obese woman, and decide she isn't worth compassion because she chose to eat herself into her situation. No matter how people came to be the way they are, I have compassionónot because of who they are, but because of who *I* am. I wonít allow him to have enough control fundamentally to change who I am at my core. If I did that, if I allowed his behavior to alter my essence, to make me hate, he would win. I wonít let him beat me.

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#13464 - 06/21/12 03:17 PM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: MalachiteMoon]
FreeBird Offline
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Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
For me its not hate, I know hate and its not that. Its fear if anything, anxiety. I would feel better if my Psychopath was dead, thats for sure. I would be free of that feeling.

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#13532 - 06/30/12 11:35 PM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: FreeBird]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
Ok Iíve posted before, but mainly have just been reading for a long time trying to piece things together. I seem rather stuck at times. I think I need to post my story. Because I have no one to talk to. I canít afford therapy. I donít want to stay in this place. This last experience woke me up you could say. But only to realize i have had many psychoís in my life. All of which I have never been able to speak about. So this is my story. Please just pass over or ignore things that donít apply or if it gets to long. If i can even write it that is. Maybe it will be very short or come in bits.

Iím going to start from the beginning from where it all started with me. I was just about to have my two year old birthday. I remember much more from my childhood from before that point than after it. I was born in November. I was Daddyís little girl! Iíve heard that it used to make my mother mad. My dad would get home and head strait for me. We were the spitting image of each other. My mother would be angry because he didnít pay as much attention to my older sister or her. My older sister was golden to my mother. Who iíve recently discovered is a narsicist. I remember always wanting to be with my daddy.

Being an avid hunter. It was the season, and so my father went on the deer hunt. My mother had argued with him about that also. She tried to get him to stay home by using my birthday and if he loved me he would stay home and spent the weekend with us for it. He had to get out of the house and out into the great outdoors. I totally understand this. At least I do now. I have to get outside if iím around my mother very long as well;)

The next childhood memory i remember very clear. I was in bed it was very late. I could hear my mother crying in her room. So I went in and asked her what was the matter. I donít know how well I talked, but in my mind the words were perfectly clear. She was crying so hard. She told me my daddy was dead. She told me he died in a car accident driving down the canyon on his way home from the deer hunt. i didnít understand death. But she said he was gone to heaven. I tried to make her feel better. I told her we could get a new Daddy. That when he came back we could have two Daddyís.

My father was killed by a drunk driver driving an oil tanker. It was one of the first and the biggest law suit recovery in the states history. It was a quarter of a million dollars. This was forty years ago. so that was alot for then I guess. Now I see why we were targeted. Oh and the fact that my mother had two small pretty little girls. My two year Birthday was not a happy one that year. It was more like why not celebrate it we will all be together for the viewing anyways. It was such a dark day. Everyone was shocked and grieving. My family is not one to express emotions. They get angry instead. They were angry at my Dad. But I thought they were angry at me. Everyone seemed to agree. If my Dad would have loved me more. He wouldnít have died.He would have stayed home to celebrate my birthday. They even fought about it. My Mom knew something was going to happen. My life would never be the same. I waited for a very long time for my daddy to come back. It never happened.

A year or so later I did get a new Daddy. I got a new older brother too. I was three years old when two psychopaths invaded my home, my life, my body and my soul. I remember the day

that i gave up. I realized they were not going to go away. that this nightmare was my life. My new Dad destroyed everything of my fatherís. He changed our last name to his. he even scraped the names off of our scriptures. I had a yellow blanket my mom had bought me when my dad died. I carried it everywhere. Until one day my Psychopath Daddy had a talk with me. He said it was time to grow up now. He put my blanket in the fireplace and burnt it. He told me santa Clause was not real. And he showed me a hustler porno magazine and told me what was real. I was three. He continued to teach me things over the years.

I was the one who seen behind his mask. I got to view this from the childís point of view. I watched him be so sweet and flattering to my mother. ACTING like he loved her. telling her how beautiful she was. When he wasnít beating her. I also got to see the womens underwear heíd bring home. See him flirt with every woman on earth. see his sickening discusting porno magazines. See him lie to my Mother. lie to everyone. He was a good church going dude. He told me about how men want the wife and family. He told me what men really want though. My soul died trying to swallow that pill. It had to for me to continue to stay alive.

I thought I had worked so hard. Thought i had dealt with all my issues. Come to find out. somehow Iíd just went blind. I stayed oddly nieve. Until now! I tried so hard to not be affected by what happened. To believe in love. And i learned so much. Yet this is where i end up? lied to cheated on and betrayed. Just like my mother. You have no idea the deep seeded hatred I had for her and how stupid she was. I swore that is the one thing i would never be. My Psychopath boyfriend knew all this. He knew Iíd rather be dead than ever have that happen to me. he did it anyways. I sit here unable to let it go. To even completely get away from him. I feel completely powerless. now looking back I see all of my relationships were just men who seen me as some ideal they got from porno. I have been manipulated and controlled and Fíd with! Why do i keep drawing these perverts to me? Sometimes i feel like Iím the allian. This is hell! this is there world. I donít belong here. They are evil. Now I know what i was dealing with when i was small. Pure evil! I know its not everyone. The one good thing to come out of this is Iím not blind anymore. I can see them. Man I was blind. My instincts always knew. but i thought i was just messed up. I doubted them because of it.
_________________________
Faith

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#13533 - 07/01/12 12:21 AM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: Stephanie]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
I also do not hate. Oh I have felt it at times for him. But It's not a good place to be. I know he does not want to be like he is. He knows he's different. It's not fair. Why God? But it's at the same time my compassion that leads me to get sucked back into this madness. And make no mistake. he is evil and cruel.

He knows he's causing pain and he enjoys it much of the time. They use people. Mine takes advantage of women so he doesn't have to work and can spent all day pursuing discrete relationships on adult friend finder. Ya i also figured out why they are so paranoid about us cheating. And why they would not want to be told if an ex boyfriend is calling. they are all lies. it's all an act to get ego strokes and to gratify the moment. They think their doing us a favor by not telling us the truth.

They know how bad it would hurt us. They just don't care. They just don't want to have do deal with our reaction when they do. Oh but if you notice they also can't resist slipping in the truth here and there just to taunt you and watch you squirm all while denying it and trying to make you feel crazy and jealous and insecure. Isn't psychopath just the technical name for Ass Hole? So tell me? How did we love someone who does in fact inhibit all of the qualities that we dislike in a person? And won't tolerate from ourselves?

I think of all of his traits. i can't say i even like a single one. Yet he made me love him still. My heart and soul got shredded just the same. It's a cruel trick. They these Psychopaths have taken my entire life. there is so much more to my story. They have taken everything away from me down to my own children. My whole childhood as well. I do not want them taking the rest of my life from me. If someone is Obese they do not manipulate me into me allowing them to unknowingly eat my soul. But the Psychopath sure did. i have no compassion for that. It doesn't matter if someone is fifty lbs or five hundred. It's what comes from within them that can truly harm someone.

I don't know how to keep me and not trust. i have to trust. but I don't have that any more.I don't want to spend my days on the look out for these people. It puts a huge damper in my day. That's where i would not feel bad at all if they all died. So I could just feel like me again.

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#13540 - 07/02/12 03:09 PM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: Stephanie]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
Stephanie, what you are going through is not in any way different from what all of us experience.

I was just thinking the same, just a minute ago, and came here to look for answers, like always.

It is a sad thing to think about your life being one big struggle with these people. It is hurting to think about the better past when they didnt exist in your mind and life was just easy and harmless.

Our conscious is a powerful gift yet it can lead us astray as well. The key is to find balance in life, and for me that balance has been patience. Whenever I feel really bad I think and remember thats its just a moment, a day, a week at most. It comes and goes. I try to see the big picture.

I sometimes think that I am missing on life because I am so cautious now. I dont trust people, even those Ive know and liked for a while I still watch and examine their every move or word. And I wish people were just good, and everyone would be happy. But we are living in a sad world. Unfortunately no one is teaching us that, if they do, they do the opposite. Tell us to trust, pity, give and so on.

As you say - I wouldnt mind too if all of them psychopaths were dead. Its not that I wish some certain people death, its just I think it would be better for everyone.
And we could just take the alert state off and start living normally. But thats never gonna happen.

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#13557 - 07/04/12 10:44 AM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: FreeBird]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
I think I have stayed here stuck in this place for so long because I don't know anything different. That's a scary thought because this is everything I don't want! Reading and learning about things like boundries and self worth. I can see how much work I need to do, and how easily I could end up back here if I don't. I guess this is what has brought me to this place though. I brought myself here. To finally be able to come to terms with all the things that have happened to me in my life. Whatever it is that subconsciously affecting all of my relationships with people and with myself. I do not have the slightest clue of how to do that though. All I can do is to start to take the advice have read. Start to keep a journal and try to process all this pain.

Do you think it's possible to get through this process any quicker? To somehow just accept this is what they do. Be aware of it but not have to fear it. I have great instincts. I've just never trusted them. I let people sway me. I knew everything about my ex Psychopath from the beginning. Why did i doubt? Why did I stay? The thought that I might not believe I am worth any more than this treatment. Scares the living crap out of me! No one deserves this. Maybe I just need to be able to visualize something different. Something better. What I really want and need to be happy. I have to be able to trust to be able to open myself up to love and be loved. Whatever this has been with my Psychopath? It has not been love. Because there has been no trust. It's all been fear. An overwhelming need to be loved. And the fear of that not being a possibility. That's what I was trying to fix. I lost.

Time to learn how to love myself? Thanks for letting me ramble. I think it helps me.
_________________________
Faith

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#13562 - 07/04/12 05:25 PM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: Stephanie]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
just from the top of my head now - if you are hungry, really really hungry, like starving hungry, and you see some food, but its old and dirty and so on, and you know you might end up sick after eating it, wouldnt you still eat it?:)

What we do - trust, love, care, is most normal. We hunger for human contact just the same as we hunger for food every day. However, you cant survive without food, but you can without human contact.

At least for some time. I have had so many friends around me, but when it came to helping, no one was there. Some didnt know what to do, some were just scared, and some unable to do anything much. But worse than that some were psychopaths as well.

I dont know what healed me, there wasnt one miracle drug thats for sure.
Its a set of things you learn, recognize, its like exercise. You just have to practice every day.

I guess what kept me going, when I was left without anyone really, was that deep down inside I knew I was right. I knew I was lied to, manipulated. I knew he was evil. Even though everyone would deny or think Im crazy I went on and spoke my mind, and cut all of the psychopaths out of my life. I pushed all of my friends away and watched them for awhile. I was lost, terrified, scared and exhausted. But even then I decided I have to make changed in my life. I chose those who proved their friendship. But even though, I am still on the watch. If they say or do sth I dislike I tell them. This whole thing has made me a more independent person. I learned to be assertive, in a way that doesnt hurt people (id always thought it was either nice or bitchy, but its not). I learned get to know people before I trust them. I learned to turn back and walk away the minute I sense that gut feeling that this is wrong.

But the most important thing I learned - is to take life slowly. Not to rush into things. It tastes better this way:) I dont give everyone credit, they need to win my friendship- few ever did. But thats just how it is. Only a few people are worth trusting. You have to wait to learn who those are. All of the rest - you keep your distance. And the psyhcopaths-or anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable in any way-just turn back and walk away. Never ever get attached to someone you dont know- the more you get in the harder it will be to get back. Its that simple.

Of course, due to my 'tactics' I may loose a chance to meet some important people, maybe a potencial friend, maybe a soulmate or whatever, but I dont really care. Id rather be safe than stupid.

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#13567 - 07/05/12 02:39 AM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: FreeBird]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
Ya I am just realizing that I have jumped into relationships whole heartedly. I'm an introvert So I don't need alot of people around me. But i feel very deeply for those I do let in. I have been taken advantage of by pretty much everyone it seems looking back now. It was my fault though. I've been very isolated and shell shocked for quite some time now. I'm old! I don't really have any friends. I don't feel comfortable like myself anymore to even try to make friends. I know my body language shows fear of rejection and mistrust. It's like it's a contagious disease. People pick up on you being victimized and they automatically start to make you the scape goat themselves. I don't want to be a victim anymore. I want to be treated good. I'm a nice person. But I have a very hard time opening up to anyone. I don't know how to accept someone caring about me if I'm not helping them in some way. I have tried to mention to my family that i need help or that this situation has affected me greatly. I had a nervous breakdown and told my mother. But She did not even respond. Well other than to tell me to stop being so selfish and to think of someone besides myself. She will not even hear one word about this subject though. it brings up to many bad memories of what she went through with my step father. But that really hurts me because she knows and understands what I'm going through. She just doesn't want to have to think about what she went through. The whole situation that has me drawing psycho's into my life to begin with. I pisses me off! I don't want to allow them to have an affect on me any more.

I know I will heal from this and be better of for it in the long run.I wish I could afford therapy. But I can't so it will have to be me and Jesus smile Jesus is my friend! It's very hard to make friends where I live anyways. Most everyone is married and they keep to their little family units. Those who are not married? At my age (41). I don't think think the odds are very good at dating someone who is not character disordered. Hell I've never even dated really. Whenever I start i get so overwhelmed by all of the attention. I hurry and pick one so the rest will go away. It's mostly perverts who want to date me anyways. I have gone from one relationship to the next being controlled and manipulated. I can't believe it took me this long to wake up. Better late than never I guess.

I need to keep posting on here. Not run away and hide this time. I don't think I can heal from this in isolation. It really took this happening to force me to have to open my eyes. To get so hurt that I'm forced to face it and do something about it. I see my old ways are soooo not working for me. And after all I have nothing left to fear anymore. I'm living through it. The only way is up from here.

How long did it take you to heal? Do you think it's possible that I am already partly there even though i have had contact with him? I don't have much contact but it does only bring more pain. I'm so glad that i can connect to the light though. What a sad thought to not be able to like them. I really have alot to be grateful for. and a whole new life and me to look forward to after i make it through the transformation. shocked

If there is anything more I need to be doing I'm open to any advice or perspectives. Thanks for listening
_________________________
Faith

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#13568 - 07/05/12 02:46 AM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: Stephanie]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
Oh and thank you for the advice already given. It is good and I am taking it to heart. I need to not rush things. Everything happens when it is supposed to anyways. I will just have to watch myself when trusting in the future. Wow things have so much more meaning to me now than before. Like relationships and sex. I know what I want now too. things are much more valuable to me now.
_________________________
Faith

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#13570 - 07/05/12 09:58 AM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: Stephanie]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Stephanie, since you mentioned you would like to keep communicating and letting us support you would you like for me to move your post to a thread of its own?

I know you can heal, it is a hard road but you have made the first huge step by speaking out here with us.

Just let me know and I would be glad to set up a new thread with your posts from here so you can have a place of your own for us to help support you.

Btw you are not too old to ever find love wink and a love that doesn't damage you so.

Di

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