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#13581 - 07/08/12 07:48 PM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: Dianne E.]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
Yes! Thank you, that would be great! I don't have alot of time. Sometimes it is hard for me to come here. I work full time and then i have to go stay at my grandmothers 5 nights a week. She is very old and can't do much for herself. It's been very hard trying to act like i can care for her. when I can't even care for myself. My aunt was in town last week, so I had a week off from there. I was able to process through so many emotions. I have kept myself so busy working. Trying to make sure everything is perfect. That when I would get a moment to myself to think. It would drop kick me pretty much. I couldn't even function. I think I am getting past that stage for the most part. I still feel overwhelmed by the realization of how much my past abuse has been influencing my life. I thought I had dealt with those things.I feel so dysfunctional. This makes it hard to build self esteem. I have been told by everyone pretty much. That i am damaged because of the abuse I suffered as a child. Like it will be some big challenge for anyone to even try to love or care about me. I have been shut down shut out and condemned any time that I have asked for or needed help. I remember rocking myself as a child. Soothing myself by saying over and over "It's ok nobody cares." I have recreated this belief many many times in my life. I want to let go of this belief.

I know the way to find happiness for me anyways. Is to tap into my spiritual self. To be able to care. to have love and compassion. To keep positive thoughts and beliefs about mankind. But this does not work with Psychopaths. You have to accept the fact that they do not care to survive. Yet accepting this fact feels like another sort of death. How to remain true to myself and stay guarded and aware at the same time? Giving to much trust? Not trusting enough? Having compassion and being a doormat? Not settling for less than I deserve? To having delusional fairy tale expectations of what men and relationships are meant to be? The proper boundaries to keep all these things in check? So many fine lines. I don't even know what a normal healthy expectation to have is? I do know that having all the answers to these questions, will not change a thing if deep down i don't believe I am able to be loved. And the fear alone can ensure that I never will be.

I think a part of me has not wanted to accept the fact that no one cares. So I keep putting myself back in those situations. Trying to prove to myself that I can beloved. If I'm just good enough I will be loved. When in reality What i have to offer would be more important to most people than some irresistible porno whore. But to psychopaths? No nothing I ever do will make me worth squat. because they just don't care. If it were really only 4% of the population. I'd have some pretty good odds. But for me and what I've seen? Or maybe it's where I live? It seems like I have about a 4% chance of someone who is not a psychopath, wanting to get involved in a relationship with me. Psycho magnet is the understatement of the year. This is what I've got to change. So the war continues between me and my subconscious.

i know what i need to do. Try to believe in my worth. But for some reason the very idea of that makes me panic. It doesn't feel safe to do so. I don't know why? Could it be that it's because that's how I got hurt? I was so small. Only three. But i thought I knew truth. I did. i was still so close to God. it's like I knew everything about love and who I was. My worth. I was a child of God.I remember singing that song to keep myself entertained when i was two. What my step father forced me to see and believe, that day he showed me the porn and told me about what men want and what they really want. It destroyed my belief in me. Who I was meant to be. Of love and what i was worth to anyone. I don't know how long I fought to keep believing in my truth I knew. Before I had to accept that I'd never be worth more than that irresistible whore? It was soul death. My Psychopath step father had so much proof. Like Benny hill and many other things he could point to in life that proved what he said. He told me the truth. The same truth the world keeps on reminding me of. So what is normal for men to do? And why does that hurt me so much? Does that make me an unreasonable prude? I don't want to get into a porn debate. But the way I saw it then, when i was so close to God/truth. Is the same as i see it now. It is pure evil. At least that's the only feeling I have ever got from it. If all men look at it? Do I even want one? Then with this last Psychopath boyfriend. I had got to where I could trust and did believe in love. Only to find out I never was. It hurts to much to believe you are loved and worth something to someone. To find out your not. I don't want to go through that again. I feel so damned if I do damned if I don't. But I've come to dam far to give up now dammit!I want to be loved like everyone else.Now I have learned many more things that will keep me from having that. I will not make those same mistakes again. It is not completely out of my control. I control the outcome of my life. I have nothing left to fear, but the fear it's self. I will rise above it this time! We all deserve to love and to be loved.
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Faith

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#13582 - 07/08/12 07:55 PM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: Stephanie]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
Oh and i just changed my name from scape to faith. I don't want to be a scapegoat any more. I have to have faith that if i change my beliefs and the way I look at things. The things in my life will change. So will i. smile
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Faith

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#13604 - 07/13/12 09:52 PM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: Stephanie]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
I know one is never to old to find love, and I will never give up hope. But this law of attraction seems to have it's down side. I'd like to just say i forgive it all and I can logically see why i should and could do that. I really thought I had with my childhood past. Guess not though. Maybe by the time i work through this experience with my Psychopath boyfriend, I will have found closure to all of it. I wonder if things really do happen for a reason? It just doesn't seem to be the case with psychopaths. Do any of you feel like your Psychopath experience happened for a reason? How many of you have gone on to find good relationships? Does the PTSD ever go away?
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#13607 - 07/14/12 03:18 PM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: Stephanie]
Smokey Offline
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Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 78
With hindsight over a period of several decades I have been involved in three past relationships with psychopaths, all of them on again, off again, as they do. Me faithfully waiting each time for their return. I only post about the last one here, though the other two were not very dissimilar.

I had a nervous breakdown when I split up with the last one and I could barely function for months. We lived together at the time. I worked, he lived in my house and didn't.

I adore him, or who I imagined him to be anyway, but being a psychopath with what I now know to be typical behaviour, it got to the point that one way or another he was increasingly likely to literally cause my death, possibly by moving up from emotional abuse to physical violence, or by infecting me with AIDS as he wouldn't wear a condom and I am sure he was not faithful in these periods that he disappeared, or by driving me to suicide in despair, pain and confusion.

The only way I can say it was of any "value" to me was that after him I researched alcoholism and psychopathy, looking for answers, and I certainly found them! It was only then that I could see how all three used the same patterns, while other boyfriends I had between these three relationships did not.

Unfortunately I now find I have become commitment phobic and cannot maintain a long term relationship even with decent men, as I can no longer trust them, or my judgement and am unfairly defensive with them, together with my self esteem having been crushed to the point that I cannot see why they would want to be with me anyway.

I now just have friends, not boyfriends, and stick to celibacy as preferable to risking dating.

It is incredible how long lasting the damage these people cause can be.

As for replacing, again with hindsight (or less denial?)I am sure he had other relationships running in parallel with the one with me.

He is now married, to someone very similar to how I was at her age; own house, similar appearance, self-employed.

I wonder if she has any idea what she has taken on? Part of me cannot see how he could be as he was and sustain, or even start, a marriage while another part of me knows he could not change, but maybe in the intervening years he has learned to play a cleverer game?


Edited by Smokey (07/14/12 03:21 PM)

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#13612 - 07/16/12 05:05 PM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: Smokey]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
Smokey, same story by me - the new victim is so similar to how I used to be.
They look for victims, remember that. Anyone who is gonna be with them has to give in, completely. I never did, so I was constantly fought against and scared and manipulated...

In some weird way I hope he stays with his new victim for as long as possible so that he doesnt hurt others.
The new victim is what you would call a servant. I am so glad I didnt end up like this, and I was almost there, so I had, just like you a nervous breakdown and a major depression that lasted for months.

And now I have a similar problem - scared of commitment, scared of guys. I met someone really special (well, we've been friends for a while now) and although I have not seen a sign of anything suspicious in him and I like him more and more, and he turned out to be just the perfect man (he cares for me like no one ever has!) - I still live almost sure that soon he will show some psychopathic traits. Its like one big paranoia, but I guess its just gonna be this way. Thats why I am not forcing anything.
One day I am ready to trust him and tell him how I feel and be with him, only to want to run away the next day. Its so confusing:(

But I keep telling myself that its OK, cause its gotta be this way. If Im cautious, Im safe. I DONT have to do anything. I CAN.


Edited by FreeBird (07/16/12 05:06 PM)

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#13643 - 07/30/12 01:41 PM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: FreeBird]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
I've found It's so very hard to move on and away from these relationshits. One because of that strong hunger to be loved and cared for. And two because of all of the pain that one has to face from within. That one needs to deal with to be able to have a healthy good relationship. I started to do some work on self esteem. On visualizing what I want in regards to love. Try to tell myself that I'm worth it. It brings out so much ungodly pain. I don't know what is making it so hard for me to believe?

On the positive side. I have went on a dating site just to see where I'm at. I know I won't find love if I don't ever meet anyone. But I'm really no where ready to date yet. So i'm just feeling it out. There was this "great guy" a marketing manager for a big law firm. Same religion. Two kids he had custody of who are now in college. All this i gathered from his profile and chatting briefly. But then I noticed he was very pushy in wanting to date me. Even after I told him I was not comfortable. And he has a black belt and wants to jump out of planes and seems like and adrenalin junky to me. He didn't want to chat much online. He wanted to talk to me before he told me much of anything. He wanted to get with me first. It's like I could feel him see how far he could push me. The thing with his children i definately felt was a power trip over his ex wife. He lost them in the divorce and took custody a year later. Well really I don't know anything for sure. But my gut was telling me. Ok this is a perfect looking psychopath. And so I canceled our date. I ignored him at first stopped messaging him and he kept calling me like nothing was wrong. Huge red flag for me. there was alot of things really. As perfect as he may have appeared on the outside. I'm trusting my instincts. I wasn't going to give him the chance in my vulnerable state. To talk me out of trusting it. When i am face to face with people. I get sucked in so much easier. I'm hoping if i meet someone good, that I will be able to feel that as well. But i know I will be stuck with this horrible paranoia. Looking back on my past relationships with them. where I was unable to see it and now I am able. I still see how they were all very different. They all played a different angle. Boy are they ever patient too. Until they have you. So I still can't say I couldn't be tricked by one of these buggers.

I will just have to continue working on myself And my boundries. In hopes to regain my trust in society in general and in myself.
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Faith

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#13644 - 07/30/12 01:55 PM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: Stephanie]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
And you know smokey. i was reading your post as i related to it very much. It's just mind boggling How they can make us adore them so much. And then at try to destroy our emotional and even our physical health. It's not love. But dang they are good liars to make us believe that it must be. We deserve so much better than that treatment. If I ever do risk dating again? I will make sure not to allow this sort of abuse again. Thanks for posting your story. It's very helpful!
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Faith

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#13645 - 07/30/12 02:00 PM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: Stephanie]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
And thanks to you too free bird. It's good to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. And your story gives me hope. Let us know how things turn out with this new dude of yours. We all must have faith to be able to trust again someday. I don't believe that one can have true love without trust. Hopefully someday we will all feel at peace smile
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Faith

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#13713 - 08/17/12 12:04 AM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: MalachiteMoon]
Emotophobia Offline
member

Registered: 08/16/12
Posts: 6
Can I post about my relationship with psychopath here, in this topic? I do really need differentiation, I need to be sure, I have been in a relationship with psychopath for three years.
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Their throat is an open sepulchre; they flatter with their tongue. - Psalm 5:9.

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#13739 - 08/24/12 09:33 AM Re: My Story -Special Edition [Re: Stephanie]
AIAV Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 10
Here is my story that I wrote in my blog...I opened a new discussion about it as well...
Do you think he is one of them?

"Was I crazy to believe?! I think so...
I am thinking now....is it wrong to write this all down...is this going to make him upset?! Why do I still care?!
But there are so many things I was hiding from others, so many things people didnt see what I had to go through, now it feels so good to finally let the world know all about it. it feels great to clear my head from all the filth that me and my little one had to go through. I was the one embarrased about it... when I had never done anything wrong...


So many things I have gone through in the past years...and now it seems to have come to an end.
This struggle could have been cut a lot shorter, but I was led to believe things are going to get better and instead of moving on I kept on hoping and believing. Because I do still believe in the fairy tale that it is possible to love one person and be happy with that one forever.

I met this man while i was an Au-pair in the UK (I am originally from Hungary)...He was nice, but I didnt fancy him at first. We got on really well, I liked talking to him but to be honest I fancied his friends more than him. Then one night we were out in a party, and somehow that night something changed in me...and I fell for him. We kissed all night long and what came after that was the happiest time of my life.
Before that time I never felt like I could or would like to settle with anyone, but with him it was different.
He asked my dad first if he could marry me, then only after 4 months of dating he proposed to me and I gladly said yes.
We went to places together, he left the UK first time with me. Trip to Italy, to Spain, to the Dominican Republic...
To cut the story short, everything seemed all right and we decided to have a baby together.
After our gorgeous holiday in the Dominican Republic just as we were moving out of our flat I took a pregnancy test and found out i was expecting.
Things went well...we got a mortgage and got our brand new built house, my belly was growing and Maya was born and we settled in our new home as a family in the UK.
He wasnt happy with his job, and found this job which would have involved so much travel until they complete a project. I agreed for him to take the job, as I trusted him and I saw the opportunity for him, for us to live a better life.

His first trip was to China.

This is where the story actually started.
He found this girl (a prostitute may I add - and I do know this because I read through their conversation in the firefox history because it stored every line they translated with google), who couldnt even speak his language, they used google translator to communicate.
He was cheating on me with her for at least 6 months and he got her pregnant.
What happened to the baby I still dont know, I only know Ian wanted to settle in China and I am certain he also proposed to her as well as I found a wedding band in his pocket. But it didnt work out, he left China and obviously had to move on.

His next stop: Indonesia
Yes, he managed to find a woman (or possibly more) there too. I actually believe he had slept with more women there.
I did figure this out because he wasnt careful, I knew his passwords for his email account and because of the lack of trust after his trips to China I just wanted to make sure he learnt from it all and wouldnt do it again, and yes I did look into his emails. And it felt good to know about it all.

I found other things in his inbox too (in connection with other women), but It would be too much to write down all. Everything just didnt seem right, it didnt seem like the man I fell in love with, the one who loved me so much to propose to me, to have a house with me, to have a baby with me.
When you look at him, when you are with him you would never think of the things he is capable of doing.

3rd biggest trip: US.
Things started off well, we spent a whole month with him there and had a great time, like a proper family.
We were happy. We went to family barbecues, made good friends, just the way things should be. Things were normal.
Then his sister was getting married so we came home then travelled to the UK for the wedding.


Then we went back to Hungary and he came to visit us here for 3 weeks over Christmas time.
He then left but we were planning our future...he even chose a name for our next child which we would have liked to be a boy.
Not long after that, when i was on paypal i saw a payment to match.com...which he denied and quickly cancelled the subscription and got the money refunded.

But instead of this website he found another, and registered on there...and found a girl.
He had 2 facebook accounts, one for show to me, that he never used...and one for his new life...he actually set it so when people search for it, it doesnt come up.

I now know this, but while I didnt, his next trip to Austria was planned, and i was happy, he will be closer and maybe it would give us more opportunity to be together and he wont ever feel the need to be with anyone else.
So he came and picked us up...and the day after we arrived to Austria (dont ask how) i accidentaly found pictures of this US woman posing and a loving postcard from her, plus a guide to Paris book...the 10 best things to see in Paris or something like that.
I then got mad, messaged him to take us home straight away.
He said yes he did have a girlfriend but he was going to bin those pictures. But its all over, and asked me to stay. Me stupid! We stayed! Slept in the same bed, acted like a couple...while he was already engaged to this other girl. This was only weeks ago actually.

Only a couple of days ago did I only find out about this girl and his engagement, and he did only just tell me then that our time is over and that we should both move on.
I did my research, and I thank GOOGLE for letting me see what was hidden from me all the time, THE TRUTH!

I swear, this whole story with all the little details could probably be written in a book, because there are so many little details...and so many bad things he said, he did behind mine and his own daughters back.

One positive side of it: he always let me use his money, he always supported us and never let us down...money-wise. But we all know, money doesnt make anyone happy frown
But at least he has the decency of not denying his child completely. I do believe he still loves her a little bit and still wants the best for her.

I think about it a lot, wake up during the night many times to think how did all this happen.
Me and my little girl never did anything wrong, we waited for him, would have forgotten and moved on from this whole nightmare. It is so very hard to see the man he became...or he always was?! I dont know...
All I know is:
He had an engagement before mine, then he asked me, then I found a wedding band after he was in China, and now this woman. I ask the question, is he capable of truly loving someone, or is he just a hustler always looking for excitement, and once he gets bored he moves on and finds something else.

Im sure many of you would say, they would have left him long ago...and I now wish I had listened to others.
My little daughter wouldnt even know now he exists...

It is very hard to move on and see and accept this person who he is...the person who will neglect his child just like this. Because the man i fell in love with...I do still love him!
I know I need to let go now...because that kind and caring person who he once was ( or what he pretended himself to be) is long gone.

Answering my own question, yes I was crazy to believe, yes I was crazy to wait. Yes I was crazy to give him chance after chance. But these are just the things I would do to save my family.

A couple of weeks back in Austria, our little daughter gave me and her dad a hug, she had so much strength in that hug, felt like she was trying to physically hold us together, felt like she wants to show us thats how we should be, thats how things should be. I will never forget that one hug, it had more feeling in it than anything else. That little girl has more feelings and common sense than her own dad.
I feel so much pain now..."
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