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#13539 - 07/02/12 12:43 PM Question for children of pp: what helped you?
marinde Offline
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Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 58
For those of you who grew up with a psychopath parent: what kept you "alive"? What helped you survive and not become like a psychopath or narcissist or otherwise cruel and abusing person yourself? What did you hang on to, were there things in your youth that gave you happiness? And what made you realise your mum or dad wasn't good for you and step out of the indoctrinations? What was it that made it impossible for your parent to really break your mind?

Was it something inside you, something other people told you, someone in your environment who was loving for you, something you read?

Sorry for all the questions. I have a great admiration for the children of psychopaths stepping out of their parents sphere of influence and starting to heal. I think it must need great strength and courage. And I believe your experience of "getting out" can be of great worth for the rest of us. Especially those of us like myself who are forced to raise children together with a psychopathic parent - and our children.

Thanks.

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#13542 - 07/02/12 03:19 PM Re: Question for children of pp: what helped you? [Re: marinde]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
Not being a child of a psycho, but a relationship survivor, I can say this - when I was with the psychopath, I learned to talk like him act like him, I did really mean things, became sad, angry, a totally different person than I am normally.
But in the end, he never killed what is the essence of every good man - my conscious. It is something they lack, and we have, and no matter how much you try to kill it, you wont. Its just something inside every one of us that makes us act like we do, help others, do the right things.
Note that there is a difference between doing something because of social rules, and doing something that you feel a natural urge to do. That is something that cannot be learned or bought. And it cannot be also got rid of.
And it is that very thing that varies us from the psychopaths. You can blind it for a while, but you cannot destroy it.

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#13554 - 07/03/12 03:20 PM Re: Question for children of pp: what helped you? [Re: marinde]
RedWolfe Offline
member

Registered: 07/02/12
Posts: 12
Originally Posted By: marinde
For those of you who grew up with a psychopath parent: what kept you "alive"?

Honestly? HATE. I was determined to not only survive, but find a way to prove him wrong and succeed at Something in my life. Eventually I did; I became a moderately well known author. smile

When they say "living well is the best revenge," when it comes to dealing with psychopaths, it's the absolute TRUTH.

When my brother showed my first published novel to my father (the psychopath), the man kicked his own TV so hard it exploded. My brother called me to tell me the very next day and we both had a long, hard laugh. My brother has made a point of telling that man every time I publish a new one. smile

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What helped you ... not become like a psychopath or narcissist or otherwise cruel and abusing person yourself?

For the life of me, I have no clue. I do know that if it wasn't for my best friend, Margaret, (who I didn't meet until the very last year he lived with us,) my recovery toward being human again would have taken much, much longer.

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What did you hang on to? Were there things in your youth that gave you happiness?

I had One thing that couldn't be taken from me, only one: My Imagination.
-- That imagination allowed me to win a short story contest and become a Published Author in my junior year of high school and gave me my life's goal: Author. That was my very first victory he couldn't touch in any way.

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And what made you realise your mum or dad wasn't good for you and step out of the indoctrinations?

BOOKS. I read voraciously, and those stories told me point-blank that not only what I was told was Wrong, but that I was dealing with a Monster, someone that only looked human.

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What was it that made it impossible for your parent to really break your mind?

I shut off my emotions and became a psychopath myself at the age of 13. I didn't become human again until many, many years after he left the house.
_________________________
RedWolfe

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#13560 - 07/04/12 03:27 PM Re: Question for children of pp: what helped you? [Re: RedWolfe]
marinde Offline
member

Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 58
Thanks for your responses, your experiences.

I'm still thinking how to protect my child. When you meet a psychopath as a child, the impact he has on your whole being is just enormous. If it's not possible to keep my child away from my ex, I wish I could think of a way to protect his core. His conscience, his ability to love and feel, his capability to judge for himself and move away from my ex. I hope I can keep him away for long enough to at least first develop conscience and experience love. Maybe I must also trust that this is something innate to normal human beings.

RedWolfe, good that you found the strength and the right person to move back to being human again. Would you want to tell me what your friend Margeret did that was important for your trusting her and "becoming human again"?

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#13565 - 07/04/12 07:08 PM Re: Question for children of pp: what helped you? [Re: marinde]
RedWolfe Offline
member

Registered: 07/02/12
Posts: 12
Originally Posted By: marinde
Thanks for your responses, your experiences.

My pleasure. It's been a long, long time since I found anyone I could tell this story to.

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I'm still thinking how to protect my child.

Physical Distance. Seriously.

The only other way your ex will stop is:
- 1. He's distracted by someone more fun than you to hurt.
- 2. He knows you will murder him. It honestly took a death threat --that he believed-- to get my father to leave me alone.

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When you meet a psychopath as a child, the impact he has on your whole being is just enormous.

True, but now I can see a psychopath coming from a mile away. (It's in their eyes. Seriously.) Not one of those monsters has bothered me since. I scare them -- and yes, I'm very proud of that. smile

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If it's not possible to keep my child away from my ex, I wish I could think of a way to protect his core. His conscience, his ability to love and feel, his capability to judge for himself and move away from my ex.

You could always take your boy and move out of the country? If your ex is that dangerous, it might be your only option. I hope not, but with psychopaths, expect them to ALWAYS take the extreme route.

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I hope I can keep him away for long enough to at least first develop conscience and experience love. Maybe I must also trust that this is something innate to normal human beings.

They say the conscious --the instinct to do the Good thing-- shows up in children between 3 and 5. For some it's later. However, psychopaths can do plenty of severe damage to those with a perfectly intact conscious. Look at what he did to you.

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RedWolfe, good that you found the strength and the right person to move back to being human again. Would you want to tell me what your friend Margaret did that was important for your trusting her and "becoming human again"?

I actually have that written out in another post! --> http://www.psychopath-research.com/forum...paths#Post13552
_________________________
RedWolfe

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#13569 - 07/05/12 05:40 AM Re: Question for children of pp: what helped you? [Re: RedWolfe]
marinde Offline
member

Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 58
Hi,

I've read your stories and it's rather encouraging to hear that he backed off eventually when you truly stood up against him. And that you managed to get your feelings back.

For my ex: i know he won't stop and will do extreme damage. It's almost impossible to live with the idea he'll do that to my child and I didn't recognize him soon enough to keep him out. I realise it's a rather weird question I'm asking here, because it implies that I accept his cruelty against my son. It's just that I know I've got only 3 options to fight back:

1. Stay and deal with whatever is coming on our path legally (I can probably keep him away for a while, but in the end he'd get visitation and legal rights and the ways to enforce them. right now I'm living in my mum and dad's house again. one advantage of staying there: if something happens to me, they'd most likely get custody before my ex, because my son could stay in his own environment)
2. Kill him (wouldn't know how to)
3. Run away (he has the resources to come after us. if he finds us, chances he gets the boy and/or harms us are even bigger. it feels like gambling. either we get a psychopath-free life, or we get harmed even more severely if he finds us)

So..that's why I'm also inquiring about the sad option of "what if he damages my child and I'm forced to accept it".. i just don't know what to do anymore.

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#13572 - 07/05/12 11:20 AM Re: Question for children of pp: what helped you? [Re: marinde]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi marinde,

First off, killing him is probably not a good option; )

Just to be practical and not from a place of fear I would make sure that you have life insurance to protect your child and no that isn't meaning I am thinking he will kill you but it is something that every parent should have just for the safety of a child in the unlikely event anything would happen to you he will be protected to go to college and have the money for your parents to not cause them a financial burden. I would also have a will and state your intent that he stay with your parents.

I would invest in cameras for the home so if he does come to your house to pick up your son for visitation you have a recording of any actions or words that he might say. They are cheap and are listed in the nanny cam section here Nanny Cams, Information gathering devices , if you have any fire alarms I would replace them with these cameras so that you can also record what your son says in the event he does go with his "sperm donor" for any visitation. Never lead you son into statements but record what he says and his actions after any visitation.

Start thinking like you are a detective and keep notes/journal of all of what is going on.

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3. Run away (he has the resources to come after us. if he finds us, chances he gets the boy and/or harms us are even bigger. it feels like gambling. either we get a psychopath-free life, or we get harmed even more severely if he finds us)


Do you know he really has the resources, I know you mentioned he had "contacts". It may not be true. Is this information that he has said and can you confirm if it is really the truth? It is highly possible he is calling your bluff. Does he work and have a great income and is he supporting his child financially? Hopefully he isn't making regular support payments because that will be something the courts will look at.
If he is making support payments make a copy of every check and a detailed list of when, maybe his pattern is that he may be making payments but making them late etc.

Check out the recording laws in your country. I know in many places you can record phone conversations without the consent of the other party. There is a unit that is under $30 or so US dollars that records when the phone is picked up. If it isn't legal then I would personally still use it and then take careful notes and destroy the tapes.

Keep everything you are doing to yourself and your parents. Like the say, loose lips sink ships. Tell them how important it is to NOT say a word to any other relatives, friends etc.

It is critical in any court appearances to keep yourself together and not be reactive because he will appear cool and calm and you don't want to appear to be the crazy one in the room. Have your parents go to any appearances to sit in if possible to show the judge what your support network is. It is likely he will show up alone.

How much money do you think he has, does he have a steady job?

Di



Edited by Dianne E. (07/05/12 11:24 AM)
Edit Reason: added link

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#13575 - 07/05/12 01:50 PM Re: Question for children of pp: what helped you? [Re: marinde]
RedWolfe Offline
member

Registered: 07/02/12
Posts: 12
Originally Posted By: marinde

I've read your stories and it's rather encouraging to hear that he backed off eventually when you truly stood up against him.


Yes, but I had to use a death threat --that I Fully Intended to Carry Out.

DON'T try this yourself!
-- Seriously! Don't issue any kind of threat unless you are willing to carry it out the moment it leaves your lips. They WILL call you on it, just as my father called me on mine. The moment the threat left my lips, he 'grabbed' me. The only reason my threat worked was because I DID try to Kill him, and very nearly succeeded.
_________________________
RedWolfe

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#13577 - 07/07/12 11:33 AM Re: Question for children of pp: what helped you? [Re: RedWolfe]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi RedWolfe, you were a remarkable person at that young age to stand up to your father.

I am glad that you clarified that confronting a Psychopath while in your case worked, it can and would be dangerous to make any threats. In most cases it would be like painting a red X on your back and get them even more focused on getting revenge.

Di

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#13579 - 07/07/12 02:14 PM Re: Question for children of pp: what helped you? [Re: Dianne E.]
RedWolfe Offline
member

Registered: 07/02/12
Posts: 12
Originally Posted By: Dianne E.
Hi RedWolfe, you were a remarkable person at that young age to stand up to your father.

I didn't have a choice. If I didn't do something to stop him, I wasn't going to make it to my next birthday because sooner or later, one of his little accidents (shoving me into walls, and down the stairs,) would kill me. It was a daily Survival Game -- plain and simple.

Originally Posted By: Dianne E.
I am glad that you clarified that confronting a Psychopath while in your case worked, it can and would be dangerous to make any threats. In most cases it would be like painting a red X on your back and get them even more focused on getting revenge.

Di

Absolutely. There is nothing more dangerous than a Psychopath that's been threatened because threats don't scare them. Threats piss them off. Once a threat is issued, they will always react immediately and take it to the extreme level.

This is why, with threats, one has to be prepared to go through with it the instant one utters it. The Psychopath will NOT give you a second chance. If one doesn't deliver on the threat IMMEDIATELY, it gives the Psychopath time to undermine and destroy it, so that the same threat can't be used a second time.

And if the threat Works? Just as you pointed out, Dianne, REVENGE is always the next stage.

Yes, my Psychopath father did back off from me, but he immediately went after my younger brothers instead That's how he got back at me.

However, that little plan backfired on him. While Mom couldn't care less about me, (she told me so to my face,) she was very protective of "her boys". In other words, he went one step too far and lost the whole war. Mom divorced him.
_________________________
RedWolfe

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