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#14351 - 03/05/13 01:16 PM Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath!
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
But thank gawd I found this forum!

I've only known my Psychopath for a couple of years. He was married when we started emailing, and we were friends for the longest time- but we emailed every day. Long story short- and I'll be back to tell my story, even though it echoes so many here. I actually can't believe how much I've learned in the past week on the internet- my Psychopath fits the bill to a T, right down to some of the things he's said. It's downright terrifying how well he fits the bill.

Luckily we've only been dating steady for about 3 or 4 months. He really showed his true self about a month ago and I couldn't figure it out. I've had a few long term relationships- I'm 40 for crying out loud- and all were healthy for the most part, so I knew when he was saying some of the things he was, like downright scolding me and telling me how awful I was, I knew it wasn't right. I knew that's not how you treat someone you love. And I just couldn't seem to reason with him. The more I tried, the more outrageous he got. The more accusations and blame got flung onto me. What??

The last episode was last Monday, 8 days ago. We agreed to talk but I knew what was coming. I tried a few approaches but nothing worked. I tried saying what I thought he expected ("I know I'm a bad person") to going up against his lies, but all were fruitless. It just brought out more rage. I'd never seen a grown man act like that!

He said he had a mental illness- and that was about the only thing I felt was truthful that night- and he's also said he's a bad person, both to me felt truthful. Everything else was a lie.

I had no idea how dangerous this whole thing could have been! I actually gave him a key to my house- and I'm getting the locks changed in oh, about 2 hours. The last time we spoke he berated me and told me he needed some time, and then he hoped I'd take him back. YEAH RIGHT!

After I get the locks changed I'm meeting with him to break it off officially. Sure I'm hurt but I'm not in so far as some of the heartbreaking stories I've read on here. My gut had been nagging me for a while and my mind had just started clouding over, and his lies were getting very obvious. I don't know who to thank, and I know I have some healing in my future- but WOW, am I ever glad I found all this out when I did.

I was considering trying to 'help' him, but now I know there is no help for him. I'm genuinely sad for him, that he'll never experience love or empathy, but I also know he wouldn't care about my empathy for him... so I'll save my energy.

I still can't believe this.... wow.

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#14352 - 03/05/13 01:23 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
Actually- and I'm not trying to talk myself out of the fact he's a Psychopath- but he does have some qualities that don't seem to fit the bill. Is that possible? For instance, he has a dog that he takes very good care of, she sleeps in his bed even. He's also very good with his nieces and nephews and seems to be very involved with them, which doesn't seem to fit either. He's said he's always wanted kids, which was confirmed by his ex-wife when I knew her.

I realize I'm no doctor so labeling him a Psychopath from me is pretty much meaningless, but that doesn't mean I'm not through with him. I definitely DON'T want this type of relationship. I guess my question is do those exceptions make any sense?

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#14353 - 03/05/13 03:40 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
Dianne E. Offline

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Hi Shayna, welcome to our community. First off, thanks for telling your story.

I can see where there can be some confusion but really the main thing that separates us from them is a true Psychopath is lacking a conscience.

It is also important to sift through how they say the do things and what they actually do, for example have you seen him interact with children? He may say he loves his nieces etc., but that could all be an act. Not all Psychopaths have a thing against animals but I would venture to guess the real reality of how he would treat his dog regardless of if it sleeps on his bed would be way different than how you or I would respond to our pets needs. Am I making sense?

I think the first thing is if you haven't gone to break up with him in person, DON'T DO IT, the break up time is the most dangerous and vulnerable time. Do you really think he will listen to your thoughts about why you should break up? He may try very hard to convince you otherwise but are your really trying to paint red flags white with trying to reason with him?

Di

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#14354 - 03/05/13 09:55 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Dianne E.]
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
Hi Diane, thanks for the welcome. smile

I didn't see your reply before I was gone for the evening. I did get the locks changed and then I did go over to his place to talk. It was by far the strangest conversation I think I've ever had.

He didn't get angry this time. There was no rage, but there was a severe reaction when I told him I was breaking it off. He got up, walked around, hyperventilated a bit, tried to cry, made a smallish scene. I didn't react. He calmed down and we talked some more, but it felt like he was thinking I was trying to outmatch him mentally, like there was some sort of weird mind game going on, like it was a contest.

He did continue with many of the same put downs he said previously; I was selfish, I was controlling, I wasn't a good partner, but there was no rage, just a matter of fact kind of thing. It was very cold- between us both really.

There were a few times I felt he was honest. He said again he knows he has a mental illness. I asked him what he thinks it is and he said he believes he's a textbook case for depression. I had to come home and read a bit about depression, and nothing fits with his behaviour. Nothing. We talked for nearly 3 hours and towards the end when I was leaving it came up again and he repeated the same thing, textbook depression. I don't see it.

He also said he shouldn't be in any relationship right now- which surprised me. That's the first time he admitted that. He agreed we shouldn't be together even though he also expressed he didn't want to break up.

He was very concerned with what I was going to tell people about our break up. He didn't want me to tell anyone about the way he treated me. He did at one point said he realizes he treated me badly and that he hurt me and that he was sorry, but never admitted to any of the lying or cheating.

I'm tired and it was a very, very strange night. I'm left wondering if he's really a Psychopath; I'm certain there's a big control issue and I know from reading over and over the signs that someone might be a Psychopath that he fits very, very closely, but a lot of what he said tonight doesn't fit. Is it more manipulation?

And I have seen the way he treats his dog. It doesn't seem much different than how I treat mine. As for the kids thing you're right, I've never seen him with his nieces and nephews but I have seen him with my friend's kids and he was very good with them. My friend says her kids like him a lot.

Nothing changes the fact that I'm glad to be moving on with my life, but now I'm wondering what on earth is really wrong with him?

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#14356 - 03/06/13 06:13 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
So after I logged off and went to bed last night I remembered a time before I was dating him. His dog was barking and he couldn't get her to settle down (she was a one year old Weimaraner, go figure) so he took her outside forcibly and made her submit by forcing her to the ground while he made sure he was on top of her. As strange as it sounds, he might've even bitten her around the scruff of the neck. I've seen him do that before to her. Not hard so she cries, just more of a dominance thing.

I talked to him about it after and I mentioned that I thought it was a little harsh. He said it was a technique he saw on that Cesar show or something. I'm very familiar with dogs and have trained a few, and I still thought that was a bit much, but I've never seen the Cesar Milan show either so I don't know what he 'teaches'.

His dog doesn't seem afraid of him or anything.

I'm still not convinced he feels any empathy though. As much as he seemed to realize he's hurt me these last couple of months there was no indication he acknowledged my feelings or anything. It was all centered around him and his feelings, and what I did to him.

He also said another odd thing; he said if I heard he was dating someone he thought it should be up to me to warn them that he's not well. This was while we were discussing how he shouldn't be in any relationship right now. I said how could that possibly be up to me? I'm not responsible for the choices you or your next partner make. But he said because I knew he was unhealthy that I should warn his next girlfriend. I still don't know what to make of that one.

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#14357 - 03/06/13 09:27 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi, I have seen that dog trainer in the past and am pretty sure that isn't an accepted technique.

I would be very careful. I would also limit what you say to people that you share in common, these people have a very sly way of extracting information from innocent people in order to isolate you.

Is there any reason to keep him in your life even if he tries to just be friends?

Keep in mind that Psychopaths will mirror things and he is more than likely using the mental health defense to explain away behavior. People with depression typically don't lose their conscience and behave in these ways, although medication can effect how a person operates he sounds like way more problems than anyone outside of a mental health expert can deal with.

Quote:
But he said because I knew he was unhealthy that I should warn his next girlfriend. I still don't know what to make of that one.


Personally that comment would make me get my track shoes on and get going in the opposite direction.

Di

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#14358 - 03/06/13 11:04 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Dianne E.]
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
I am being careful. Is there a reason to keep him in my life? No, I suppose not. I've known him for a couple years and I care about him. I've seen him go from a happy, reasonably secure man in a troubled marriage to this single, angry, controlling, insecure, lying and manipulative man in less than 3 months. It feels like a tailspin.

I am going to be very careful what I say to our mutual friends. He was very concerned about that. Although he knows of my social circles he's not part of them. We only really have a couple mutual acquaintances. I'm not sure he has any close friends.

It might be he's a very controlling person with psychotic / Psychopath tendencies. I read that on the internet this morning, on a page about controlling personalities, but I can't seem to find it anymore. I know what he's done to me in the last few months and I'm not ignoring that, but it's not completely adding up to an uncaring Psychopath.

I guess I'd still like to think he can be helped because he wasn't always this way. I don't know if it matters, but he was with his ex since they were both 15 and were together/married for 23 years. A life with her is all he's really known. He is in deep financial debt too, as a result of both of their irresponsible spending.

He also paid me back a good portion of the money he owed me.

I still love him. It's hard to break free if I think there might be a chance for him. frown I don't doubt he feels he's depressed, and you're right, that doesn't fit with his actions, but it might be another layer to what's going on. I feel there's a lot going on with him right now.

I'm not going back to him either, not as a girlfriend. Is it possible we can still maintain a friendship through this?


Edited by Shayna (03/06/13 11:06 AM)

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#14359 - 03/06/13 11:08 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
And Dianne, thank you for talking to me these last couple days. It's helped tremendously. I'm currently looking into therapy for myself but here in Canada, it takes time to see a doctor. smile

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#14360 - 03/06/13 11:17 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
Dianne E. Offline

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Quote:
Is it possible we can still maintain a friendship through this?


I think it depends on your definition of what a friend is, he doesn't sound like friend material. Keep in mind one of the main traits of a Psychopath is they are always the victim in their own minds while they victimize others.

I can only speak for myself but based on what you saying I would head in the other direction. It is possible that what you are seeing is the true him that you didn't see or was not in that close of a contact with over the years. I just have zero tolerance for toxic people, if he gets help and is better but frankly he sounds a bit spooky to me, just imho.

Di

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#14361 - 03/06/13 11:24 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Dianne E.]
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
Ah, you hit on a very good point. He is toxic. I also told him last night that our relationship was toxic, which it was.

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#14364 - 03/06/13 01:31 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
Dianne E. Offline

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Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Try to keep in mind who you are talking to, a toxic person or Psychopath doesn't see themselves quite the way we would honestly evaluate ourselves.

Impossible to reason with them, they can only see things from their viewpoint of themselves as the victim. Do you know his x wife?

Di

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#14365 - 03/06/13 01:53 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Dianne E.]
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
I do know his ex-wife. We all met almost 3 years ago when we joined a group activity. She's toxic herself; she had very few friends in a group of around 50 people. She had many conflicts with individuals (she'd been written up 3 times in 2 years). Very negative and controlling too. The friends I made there all thought their relationship was toxic, and it appeared he was basically her servant. She was completely dependent on him, she didn't even have her driver's license. They did everything together; when you asked one to do something, the other would always come along too. When they split we all thought it was for the best, for both of them.

She's doing better now after a very rough start, and she's been in therapy since.


Edited by Shayna (03/06/13 02:14 PM)

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#14367 - 03/06/13 02:13 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Dianne E.]
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
Originally Posted By: Dianne E.
Impossible to reason with them, they can only see things from their viewpoint of themselves as the victim.


*sigh* Yeah, this was a common theme last night. Not all the time, he did seem to have moments where he realized he was wrong and he hurt me, but not many. He also said he hates himself a lot. He broke himself down like this: he's 60% the guy I met and fell in love with; 35% angry guy; 5% scary raging guy. Those are nearly his exact words.

I now have a doctor's appointment in a couple weeks. smile

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#14372 - 03/06/13 06:00 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
So after more hours of reading, ultimately it doesn't matter if he's psychotic or a control freak; the result is the same. He's incapable of empathy and won't ever change, even with the best therapy.

How heartbreaking. I'm genuinely sad for him that he has to go through life missing something like that, and that he's going to destroy other lives. And of course, I'll miss the fantasy we built too. frown

He disabled his facebook when he split with his wife, and I saw he reactivated it the day after I broke up with him.

Very sad.

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#14380 - 03/09/13 04:18 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
galetre Offline
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Registered: 02/11/13
Posts: 34
Shayna, I don't know him, so I can't really give you advice, other than he sounds very like my psychopath, Mr. Crazy. Other people often think they are very charming, wonderful, people, because that is what they try to present to the rest of the world. But once you are in their clutches, you become their victim, their plaything. Think of a cat playing with a mouse, the way they torture the poor animal, rather than put an end to it's suffering. This may be the reason you have seen such a change in him. He was Mr. Charming to you until he "caught" you.

There is no reasoning with a psychopath. They cannot see things the way most people do. It's like talking to the wall. Mine often turns my own words on me, twists everything around, contradicts himself, anything he can other than communicate as most people do. He has no desire to mend things when he causes conflict. The best thing to do is walk away and focus on something that is important to you instead.

As for the pet owner thing, we have 2 cats. His relationship with them consists of chasing them, catching them, and holding them down under a blanket while they cry until he lets them go. Doesn't seem like normal pet love to me.

Good luck. You are so, so lucky to have caught this early on, when you have the chance to get away with little damage. Please head everyone's advice and do so. You don't want to be me, looking back over most of your life and realizing you will never experience real romantic love, or be able to have a real conversation with your partner, or know that when you are sick or hurt someone will be there for you and your kids, rather than the opposite. If something is wrong with me I have to try to hide it from him, or he will use it to make me feel so much worse. I've been through cancer with no one around but my psychopath. It was very lonely. Get out while you can!

Hugs.

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#14385 - 03/10/13 10:41 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: galetre]
1962 Offline
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Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Well said, I wasted 30 years. It is like an empty hole that will never be filled. This Psychopath took the home I brought my children into, the dinners, holidays, all the memories- gone. The plan to retire in 5 years and travel- gone. All of my hopes and dreams with the one I loved...gone

You do not want this pain. If I had only known what I was up against years ago....I would have run- do that while you have the chance.

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#14386 - 03/11/13 11:06 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: 1962]
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
First, my god I'm so sorry to hear of both your stories. Even though I spent a fraction of my life with mine (who I now know is a narcissist) I can't believe how much I've been ripped apart from all this.

Since my last posts I read all I could on narcissism, every little thing. I'm reasonably certain that's what I'm now dealing with.

Also since my last posts he's started to try to tear my life apart through my friends. He's email a few already explaining why I'm a terrible person and not to be trusted, etc. I'm very lucky that the people he contacted are indeed my friends and weren't ever his, so they know he's full of crap. I'm worried he won't ever go away now, and it's only been 4 days since he's contacted me. I fully expect him to try again and again.

I had to call my local women's shelter to arrange for immediate counseling. I need to know what the threat exactly is and how to get rid of him. I want nothing more than to get him out of my life; he repulses me. I know there's no hope for him.

After a few weeks of crisis counseling I'll move on to therapy to work on myself and my self esteem.

You both are right, I'm very, very lucky I realized something was wrong and that I was strong enough to walk away from it when I did. It's still going to affect me- I'm not nearly at the point where I can sort much of anything, but when I am and when I get better, look out world. smile

I'm forever grateful for sites like this one, and in a way I'm so sorry to have met any of you, as we're all going through this nightmare. smirk

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#14389 - 03/11/13 06:40 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
1962 Offline
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Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Amen Shayna- we are lucky for this site and all of the people who make it a safe place to learn and vent.

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#14390 - 03/12/13 09:15 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: 1962]
galetre Offline
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Registered: 02/11/13
Posts: 34
Go girl! I am so cheering for you. I hope through this forum more people like you can be helped before it's too late. It makes me feel good.

Of course, I'm here today, b/c I'm feeling bad. Yesterday, Mr. Crazy decided to get drunk with his new best friend, while they were building me a storage building behind our house. I'm thinking I should be afraid to use the building too, seeing as two drunk, stoned, men built it. smile They started drinking at 10:30 a.m., and by 4:00 they had downed over half a gallon of tequilla, plus some whiskey and who knows what else. They had stopped building and started "recording" a great new song (in their drunken opinions) at a very loud volume. I was supposed to be meeting a few of my quilting friends and going to the guild meeting that evening, but obviously I had to cancel b/c I couldn't leave the kids home with him. The 14 y.o. is old enough to watch the younger ones, but I just couldn't leave him with Mr. Crazy in that condition. I tried to call my friends, but their phone was not working, so I had to be a no show. How awful. I hate to be unreliable. I am feeling really down today, because it is so hard for me to get out and be with other adults. I just never know when he is going to be in a condition or mind set where I feel okay going out to do anything. At 6 Psychopath.m. he came in the house, ate his dinner, and asked if I was going to quilting that night. (I always leave for quilting at 5:30, plus I was dressed in my rattiest sweats at this point for comfort). I just said "no.". Then, lucky me, he went to bed and right to sleep for the night. I watched a funny movie with my kids and played Go Fish with them to try to stay in good spirits. Still sad today, though. These ladies are my only adult contacts that he hasn't poisoned against me. I am keeping him as far away from them as possible, although he does have an acquaintance with one of the ladies husbands. That worries me some. Maybe I should just break it off with them before he ruins it for me.

Then, this morning, I spent some time thinking about my scariest moment with him. I'm not ready to discuss it today, as it made me shake and I don't want to relive it a second time today. It keeps me in check, though. As long as I remember that episode, I will be able to keep from losing my heart and my head to him again. Never forget the complete evil these people are capable of. Never forget.

Be safe. Be free. Run as far and as fast as you can.

Thanks for listening. Have a super day!

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#14392 - 03/13/13 07:28 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: galetre]
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
Aw, Galetre. That sounds like a terrible night, I'm so sorry. Big hugs your way, all of us here understand what you're going through.

Is there no one you can talk to at your quilt club? Before the last episode I had with my Psychopath where I broke it off with him I quite luckily opened up to a few people in a club I belong to. I say it was lucky because it wasn't planned out or anything, but a couple of my closest friends approached me and insisted to know what was wrong with me as I was obviously in some sort of distress. I told them I was leaving an abusive relationship. I even told our club president because it was affecting my attendance.

As it turned out, a few days after that my Psychopath sent his emails to a few of them, trying to smear me, saying some pretty awful things, things outside of my character. I had to deal with each person he emailed and I'm still working to rebuild those relationships, but because I opened up to people it prepared them a bit for that. Opening up to people was HARD as I'm normally very private- and I'm sure that's one of the reasons why my Psychopath 'selected' me. He used to call me a lone wolf.

Anyway, the absolute worst was showing my face to my group at our next meeting. That was another low point, thinking everyone knew and believed the lies he told. Thinking they were all talking about me and judging, hating me. It was a 3 hour meeting but it felt more like 3 months. I broke down crying a few times that night. It was awful.

My friends supported me that night. And I know in the back of my mind once the rumours churn through the mill, the worst is over. My close friends are still my close friends. I also realize most of the others don't care. I will get through this and I will NOT quit my club.

Are you going to therapy? I have 2 appointments coming up with 2 different therapists, hoping to find one that will help me. I know I need it so I'm going to go.

The point of this long post... people will surprise you. They've likely experienced similar things. Give them a chance. smile

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#14394 - 03/15/13 05:54 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
So not even a week ino no contact, my n sent me an email last night. I didn't read it until this morning... when I saw it, my stomach dropped.

Is it true they'll say anything just to illicit a response? I'm telling myself not to reply, but man, it's so hard, especially after the night I has last night. Nothing particularly bad happened, I just felt so lost and so sad, and I really missed what we had at one point. I keep telling myself it was just an illusion. I know it was all built on lies.

This is going to be a rough day. frown

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#14395 - 03/15/13 07:27 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
1962 Offline
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Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Hold on girl!!! You have to resist- which I know is the hardest thing to do! Go to Lovefraud and read through the articles and posts there- read and vent, read and vent....then breathe. Reach out to a friend and try to focus on something, anything else. The first few days are the hardest- when you can admit to yourself without banging you head against the wall that it was all a GAME to them, then you will begin to recover. smile

YES, IT IS INSANE, BUT THAT IS OUR REALITY (THAT IT WAS A DREAM or in some cases a nightmare).


Edited by 1962 (03/15/13 07:28 AM)

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#14397 - 03/15/13 11:02 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Dianne E.]
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
I'm holding on. smile I have gone back and read some websites over and over what I already know. I'm emailing a friend about it too... it's still hard. You're right, it's just a game. I'm an object to him. The content of his email doesn't really matter either as it's likely a bunch of lies anyway.

It's OK about the other forum. I don't post anywhere else anyway but I've been to LoveFraud and read what they have over there. I've been anywhere and everywhere that has information for me.

*sigh* This is hard. smirk

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#14398 - 03/15/13 05:30 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
1962 Offline
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Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Ok, you can do it. Bubble bath, sing at the top of your lungs, candles, punching pillows, pet the cat, whatever you can think of to distract and pamper yourself. Sometimes friends/family aren't as helpful as we'd like- they just don't get it. My sister, a trained Social Worker "gets it" but not like the people here and on lf.

I have another sister who doesn't believe me at all, she and my B-I-L think I am the crazy one!

Fortuantely, my kids (both boys are supportive of me) so today that is my top thought- I have been blessed.

Think of something that has blessed your life too.

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#14400 - 03/16/13 03:32 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
galetre Offline
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Registered: 02/11/13
Posts: 34
I know what you mean about people understanding. One of my friends from my group has been in an abusive relationship, plus we share a few other life experiences and are the same age. I think she would likely understand, but it is so scary talking to people about it face to face like that. I've always felt that you should put your partner's best side to light when talking to others, so that makes it even harder for me.

Here, online, everything is so much easier to talk about, and at least I can get some of it out this way. Sigh....and I usually come away smiling, too.

That meeting you went through must have been so, so hard! You are so very brave to have been strong enough to walk in after him sending evil e-mails. At least you had the comfort afterwards of knowing you have some true friends.

I have the comfort of knowing my Mr. Crazy doesn't know how to send an e-mail. But he does know how to use Facebook. He says some awful things on there sometimes. He sure loves to talk to people on the phone a lot, too. He never talks on the phone in front of me, ever. He used to, but I just couldn't stand listening to him lying to people all the time, so now if anyone calls, he grabs his phone and runs outside, or doesn't answer the phone, or tells them he's gotta go - no time to talk. It's irritating, but still better than listening to him lying!

Have a super day!

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#14420 - 03/17/13 08:31 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: galetre]
1962 Offline
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Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
I think our "Psychopath"s sound a lot alike, although I know mine is currently using online dating sites (beware ladies). He has numerous gmail accounts and tends them like a garden. Meanwhile, I come here and read and write- trying to heal with the help of the amazing women here!

I wish that I had a group that I could go to for support, but I hate to fall into a group of people who don't get it. I think that would really set me back to have to be invalidated (if that's even a word?) after all of the time and pain I have gone through to get to this point.

You sound like you are doing quite well, I have okay days and bad days. Once the divorce is final and I have a place that I can call my own again, I will do better (been living on couches for 6 months now).

Hard to start over at 50 when I was looking towards our retirement in 5 years.


Take Care smile

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#14429 - 03/18/13 10:51 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: 1962]
Shayna Offline
member

Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
When I'm ready to go out there and date again I wonder if I'll choose to use an online dating site. It sort of frightens me, but I know there are some wonderful people on there. Several of my friends have used them in the past, to varying degrees of success.

I'm looking for a therapist that specializes in women and abuse. I was recommended to one, and she put me in touch with someone else. Also, I find talking to a woman is much better for issues like ours. smile

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#14437 - 03/18/13 04:20 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
1962 Offline
member

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Shayna,

I joined one, but soon realized that I was not the flirty, fun woman that men wanted to meet up with. Give yourself

plenty of time to heal.

What I did learn from being on one however was that I wasn't ready and that was worth the 60 bucks I spent. It's also

difficult to judge a man by a profile and a picture. I did meet one guy who I realized was an abuser who was just

using me for narcissistic supply!!! After that I decided to pull my profile and have NC with him- wasn't hard. And I

got to practice enforcing my boundaries.


Online dating is like preschool for us smile

We get to practice what we've learned without having to commit to them!

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#14448 - 03/18/13 11:58 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: 1962]
warrioress Offline
member

Registered: 03/16/13
Posts: 72
I do Not recommend online dating! First of all, you are in a weakened, vulnerable state and are projecting, and others are too. Typing is not a good way to go about meeting anyone, it's a false identity.
Please look at the 'Catfish' movie and related MTV TV Series. It's all about people who have been strung along in 'Love' relationships and mislead by online predators. Some of these nutcases actually have tens to a hundred people they are leading on with fake pics and love stories. People are lying online, with fake pictures and fake profiles. You have No Real Idea who you are talking to.

People like ourselves are already vulnerable and targets, you absolutely must have person to person contact to assess your sub-concious reactions to a 'real' person, not an online entity.
Sometimes people look great 'on paper, online', on the phone. They are 'not' for real. You can only assess someone, real and in person.

Like I say, the 'Catfish' movie is a MUST SEE. This happened to a real 'nice guy' who thought he was in love with a 'nice girl' for 8 months! Only to find it was a 40 year old lady from hicksville. The MTV series takes it to an entire nother level. People realize they have been having cyber 'love' affairs with all kinds of people who are not in any way who they think they are. Look it up.

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#14449 - 03/19/13 12:06 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: warrioress]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi warrioress, I totally agree, the way people get 100's of email accounts and all the game playing it would make me very nervous to meet anyone online. Not saying it couldn't happen, just seems too risky to me, too many people have come here over the years after meeting their Psychopath online.

I had posted the Catfish information titled online dating section but will list here, they have online videos for people not located here. Although I have read some of it is staged, most reality shows are, but the general message is a very real one.

Catfish

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#14457 - 03/19/13 06:31 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Dianne E.]
Shayna Offline
member

Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
Oh heavens no!! I didn't mean I was going to go out anytime soon and try online dating... heck I can barely manage getting together with friends right now. I know I have way too much to sort out before I try my hand at letting anyone in again. But I know there's going to be a day when I'm going to want to try, so I was more or less thinking out loud about the online dating thing. smile

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#14641 - 03/29/13 07:41 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
galetre Offline
member

Registered: 02/11/13
Posts: 34
If I ever get out of this, I can't imagine ever wanting to try with anyone again. I feel like I would be content to be alone at this point. Good luck to all of you!

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#14731 - 04/08/13 06:48 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: galetre]
Shayna Offline
member

Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
So a quick update:

After going NC and blocking all forms of communication from my XP he's:

-contacting random friends of mine. All have told me, all are aware of what's going and are either outright ignoring him or keeping contact very brief and giving no info about me. Love my girls!

-he showed up to a league game I was playing in. He has absolutely NO contacts in this league and he showed up in a 'disguise'. Head down, avoiding people with a ball cap on. He NEVER wears ball caps. I found out after the game he was there thankfully, if I knew beforehand I don't know what I would have done. I have a few male friends that would have loved to drag his a*s outside and introduced him to the pavement, if you know what I mean.

I can't believe the nads on my X to show up to my game like that. Shows just how out of touch with reality and people they are.

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#14735 - 04/08/13 07:39 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
Nan Offline
member

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
Originally Posted By: Shayna

[]
I can't believe the nads on my X to show up to my game like that. Shows just how out of touch with reality and people they are.


Yeah and good for you, Shayna. Go girl, go!
Hugs to you for being so sensible!

Nan

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#14737 - 04/08/13 08:05 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Nan]
Shayna Offline
member

Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
lol, thanks Nan. Before my game one of my best friends texted me and asked if I thought he'd be stupid enough to show up; I said I wouldn't exactly put it past him, but I sincerely doubt he would. Turns out, he really was stupid enough. *eye roll*

Don't get me wrong, it's hard, damn hard, and there is still apart of me that would like to see him- but the larger part of me just wants him to go away. A much larger part of me. wink

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#15185 - 05/21/13 10:26 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
Shayna Offline
member

Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
*Whew*

So I've been gone for a while. I decided to lay low and not divulge any info online anywhere until I was sure I got my peace bond against my ex (which is basically a restraining order lite lol). He was served by the police last week and his court date is this week. I have to go to court after his date but only to get updated on the situation and speak with someone from Victim Services.

After I went total No Contact things began escalating after about 3 weeks. He was showing up to my games, leaving hand written notes at my house, emailing my friends- he even called my parents. No matter what he did I never contacted him or let him contact me. When he called my parents I felt that was the last straw, so that's why I went through the courts.

For those that are struggling with NC- push yourself to do it. I too missed my ex and desperately wanted to contact him, but the 3 or so weeks I forced myself to leave him alone seemed to be what I needed when he finally started trying to draw me back. Each time he tried to reach me and each time I resisted it gave me that much more strength and I was able to fully realize he's sick without a cure. I'm sad for that but it's no longer my problem and I just want him out of my life now.

I don't know what's going to happen next; I wonder if he'll actually leave me alone or if he'll escalate. If he escalates I now have grounds to call the cops and have him arrested. Yes, it really does go this far with these kinds of people. I've read that cluster B personalities don't know how to do closure so they keep returning, over and over and over.

So that's my little update. Hopefully I'll get caught up on the site soon. smile

I hope you're all staying safe and keeping well.

EDIT- Oh! I wanted to mention that I know some of you may still be looking for therapists and/or counselors. I guess when I go to visit the Crown Attorney they'll have someone repped from Victim Services... so maybe that would be helpful for any of you. I already found a therapist on my own but if I didn't have one I'm sure I'd find this useful.


Edited by Shayna (05/21/13 10:32 AM)

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#15186 - 05/21/13 11:10 AM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
Nan Offline
member

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501

Shayna, it's good to hear that you are cruising along at a fine speed.

Just keep going. NC works!

Nan

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#15210 - 05/21/13 09:40 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Nan]
Shayna Offline
member

Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
NC certainly does work.

I talk a good talk but I still struggle. I had a little cry this evening, but I know I'm getting better. I can still say I miss him- but he's feeling much more like a ghost to me lately since I haven't seen or spoken to him in nearly 3 months.

Actually it's more likely I miss having -someone- around that will love me and not necessarily him specifically. I do get lonely, but in time that will change too. smile I'm not unlovable after all. wink

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#16642 - 10/02/15 10:32 PM Re: Wow! I can't believe I'm dating a Psychopath! [Re: Shayna]
Nathaniel Offline
member

Registered: 10/01/15
Posts: 5
Dear Shayna, this guy will not bring anything positive into your life. If you stay in contact with him, you will have constant questions and anxiety and fear. Whatever label we give him, he is not a good friend, companion, or lover. Stay away from him. He could even be dangerous.

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