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#14490 - 03/21/13 05:21 AM Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath?
Nan Offline
member

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
Should we keep owning and personalizing THE person by calling him (or her) MY psychopath?

It is wise to own, so to speak, what we don't want?

We don't want to be near THE person
We don't want to see THE person
WE don't want to hear THE person
We don't want to talk to THE person

I don't want [insert what you don't want]

It seems to me that it would be wise to stop owning what we don't want.

We could start by eliminating the sense of owning and personalizing THE person. Stop using MY psychopath.

Later, we can say what we want, which is….

I want [insert what you DO want]


Nan

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#14497 - 03/21/13 07:18 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: Nan]
1962 Offline
member

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Good point Nan.

I think when I say my "Psychopath" it is really short for my experiences with a disordered personality.

but you are totally right, I don't and I shouldn't take responsibility for him or his actions. I

provided him with a cover of normalcy. I gave him a sense of home and two children. He cheated, lied,

and tried to kill me when I began to see the real him and threatened to divorce him.

It's easy for me to see what I don't want right now.

I don't want more lies.

I don't want to be cheated on.

I don't want to be gaslighted.

I don't want to be manipulated.

I don't want it to be all about him.

I don't want another STD.

I think I NEED to begin thinking about what I do want for my future.

I do want a good job.

I do want a secure home.

I do want healthy relationships with my family (a whole different matter)

Some day I hope to have a "real" relationship- I just think that I would be so afraid of trusting

someone again as I feel like I am a magnet for these types of people (male and female).



Edited by 1962 (03/21/13 07:19 AM)

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#14503 - 03/21/13 09:12 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: 1962]
Nan Offline
member

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
1962

I am so amazed at how well you are doing. I take my hat off for you.

It took me a while, probably two years, before I stopped thinking of men in very non-complimentary ways. I didn't want to be touched and I sure as little green apples, didn't want sex. I simply didn't want anything to do with them. As far as I was concerned they could have departed from the earth and I wouldn't have cared.

It changed! Slowly, but it changed. What changed was me trusting myself.

I am no longer a magnet for tom, dick and harriet who say one thing and mean another.

I can see when I do the victim- woe is me bit - that attracts the kind of people who know that a victim is a sucker for a whatever they have to offer, which is generally not something anyone wants.

I am much more clear about what I want and why I want it and why I deserve it.

That doesn't mean, of course, that it's all clear sailing and everything is just fine. No, what it means, I think, is that I accept that life is not Disneyland and that no one is going to pretty up my life or validate my person if I cannot find ways to be honest and loving with myself.

As you can read (if you check my posts), it's been a few years, almost ten since I saw the last of the psychopath.

I learned something that I didn't want to know. I didn't want to believe that evil people exist. I didn't want to take responsibility for anything but the goodness inside myself and, yes, I think it's true, that there's evil inside all of us.

It's what we do with it that matters.

Now, I am a lot clearer about when I am greedy, immoral or plain unethical in my dealings with other people.

I am 66, and I have done my fair share of greedy, immoral or unethical things. The point for me is to see these things first in myself, learn why and then correct my thinking and actions as best I can.

When I am more aware of who I am and what I want in this or that situation, it is easier to be aware of what other people are and what they want from me.

It's a cliche, but the long and terrible road with the psychopath and his shenanigans that nearly did me in, taught me many valuable lessons.

Today, what I want is different from what I wanted ten years ago or even five years ago.

Feel free to ask me any questions you may have and if I know the answer (or something close to it) I will tell you what I know.

There's sunshine in the future.

Nan




Edited by Nan (03/21/13 09:38 AM)

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#14504 - 03/21/13 09:15 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: 1962]
Shayna Offline
member

Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
Hmm, I might be the minority here; I feel like when I use "my Psychopath" I strip away my personal connection to him and compartmentalize him into a faceless, anonymous group. I do get that you're referring to more the 'my' in the whole thing though... I'd have to think about that I think. I don't quite look at it like you are. It's going to be a piece of me for however long I live and it has changed me for sure, but I can reduce it to a time in my life and not at all about the individual... know what I mean?

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#14505 - 03/21/13 09:37 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: Shayna]
Nan Offline
member

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
Yes, Shayna,

If the way you think about the person works for you, then keep on doing that. It's important to find a place where you feel safe and at ease with the way you express yourself. smile

When I was younger I had migraines . Not headaches - migraines!

I would say something like, "I don't know what to do for MY migraines," when it was pointed out to me that I made a virtue of the migraine being mine and therefore something I owned.

No thanks! :-O

I simply applied the same idea to the psychopath.

Nan

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#14507 - 03/21/13 11:07 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: Nan]
1962 Offline
member

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Nan,

I just turned 50 in October. The "Psychopath" I was married to at the time was promising to throw me a huge 50th

party- honestly, if I had stayed it would have been a funeral.

Wow, 10 years seems like a long time. I'm sure that you have a tremendous amount of wisdom to share.

I fled my house in fear August- 2012. I have gone through a lot, but mostly am just starting to

appreciate the reality of what was and what I have yet to face.


I have always felt that it was wrong to be dependent on another person- and yet I was so with my

husband. For the past 6 months I have had to be dependent on others for housing, food and support. I

feel a total disconnect from the person I used to be.

I do realize that I wasn't really happy in my marriage; I knew something was wrong. I attributed it to

mid life crisis on my husband's part. Again, I never was physically or verbally abused- we were "best"

friends.

He started "telling" around our 30th anniversary and it was down hill from there. As the mask slipped

more and more, I began noticing the disconnect between what he said and what was really happening.

He had compartmentalized the life we had- there were "stories" and excuses that he kept repeating. When

I asked him to tell me 3 things he knew about me (after 30 years)..he had extreme difficulty. When he

spat the last item out, he slapped the counter and said "there! That's three!" He was unable to keep

the mask (I knew) on after that as long as I kept challenging him. He tried others with me and I can

see how charming he must come across to other women. Another was a babyish mask with a sing song voice.

Honestly, I find it hard to believe that this person (who holds a fairly high position in his business)

can function on a day to day basis. I am wondering if the divorce will push him over the edge or just

into another victim's arms.

Thanks Nan for letting me rant- and thanks for your wisdom.

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#14508 - 03/21/13 12:22 PM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: 1962]
Nan Offline
member

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
1962,

When you wrote that you are couch surfing, my heart went out to you. I am such a home-buddy and I love the safety and security of my home so much that had I been "homeless" during the worst of the mess, I would have been devastated.

That you have managed to find strength within yourself without having access to the 'security blankets' of your things and your home is a true testimony to how strong you really are - how viable a personality.

Nan





Edited by Nan (03/21/13 12:25 PM)

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#14512 - 03/21/13 08:11 PM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: Nan]
1962 Offline
member

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Thanks Nan,

Yes, I miss my house and my cats. My bed and my stuff. I left with the clothes on my back and just went back recently for some clothes.

Today I had my first "group" meeting with safe house, a free service for DV victims. I cried as I told my story and they we so welcoming and wonderful. I felt such relief and feel that I have peeps smile. There is only one other woman in the "group" right now. She had been going on and off for 3 years and was recently contacted by her husband which set her back- I really wanted to ask her why NO CONTACT.(but being my first day I didn't want to be too pushy :))

Nan, even if I was in my house I would not feel safe. When I fled the house, he proceeded to renovate the kitchen without me. He told everyone that he was doing it so that when I got home, it would be perfect. He said the kitchen remodel "was to die for" SICK F&*KER.

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#14514 - 03/22/13 06:47 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: 1962]
funkyinanna Offline
member

Registered: 03/16/13
Posts: 48
Nan

I was just thinking about this yesterday...'owning' i think it's one of things he passed on to me somehow maybe

but if i was honest with myself i don't want him back if i was honest with myself i do feel safer without him in my life regardless of my current mental state at least now i have a chance to recover whereas if he had stayed things would have only gotten worse
I keep saying it to myself, some parts of me are still unconvinced

As for naming and labeling, there was something in neuro-linguistic-pranceogramming that says it does make a difference what you call someone and how you view them. In other words, if you felt intimidated by a person you could give them a nick-name which made them less intimidating or you could visualize them much smaller than they really are

Eventually you wouldn't need to do that anymore

I did feel thoroughly disgusted by all men over the past couple of months but that started to wear off as soon as I detached myself from him! So weird!
I am worried about being a magnet and will keep a huge distance from other guys for a long while.

He wasn't physically violent with me but he did say that his ex tol him she felt like he was raping her...i wonder how long it took him to get to that stage

Being dependant is something that they deliberately foster regardless of how independant you had been before. I've read that they enjoy it more when you fall lower and faster.

I read your words and words of Shayna and 1962 an quite honestly am unable to grasp the magnitude of what you went through. I feel way too overwhelmed in pain still. It's amazing that you can survive so much and recover and use the experience to improve your life.

It seems now that it was my confrontations that speeded up the ending. He couldn't keep the masks on anymore.

(1962 : I know that babyish mask very well!)

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#14515 - 03/22/13 07:58 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: 1962]
Nan Offline
member

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
Originally Posted By: 1962

[…]

... He said the kitchen remodel "was to die for" SICK F&*KER.


LOL you said it! I like that black humor….

And with a few remodels of the kitchen-knife drawers, it'll be, "See, no hands!"

Nan

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