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#14490 - 03/21/13 05:21 AM Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath?
Nan Offline
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Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
Should we keep owning and personalizing THE person by calling him (or her) MY psychopath?

It is wise to own, so to speak, what we don't want?

We don't want to be near THE person
We don't want to see THE person
WE don't want to hear THE person
We don't want to talk to THE person

I don't want [insert what you don't want]

It seems to me that it would be wise to stop owning what we don't want.

We could start by eliminating the sense of owning and personalizing THE person. Stop using MY psychopath.

Later, we can say what we want, which is….

I want [insert what you DO want]


Nan

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#14497 - 03/21/13 07:18 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: Nan]
1962 Offline
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Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Good point Nan.

I think when I say my "Psychopath" it is really short for my experiences with a disordered personality.

but you are totally right, I don't and I shouldn't take responsibility for him or his actions. I

provided him with a cover of normalcy. I gave him a sense of home and two children. He cheated, lied,

and tried to kill me when I began to see the real him and threatened to divorce him.

It's easy for me to see what I don't want right now.

I don't want more lies.

I don't want to be cheated on.

I don't want to be gaslighted.

I don't want to be manipulated.

I don't want it to be all about him.

I don't want another STD.

I think I NEED to begin thinking about what I do want for my future.

I do want a good job.

I do want a secure home.

I do want healthy relationships with my family (a whole different matter)

Some day I hope to have a "real" relationship- I just think that I would be so afraid of trusting

someone again as I feel like I am a magnet for these types of people (male and female).



Edited by 1962 (03/21/13 07:19 AM)

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#14503 - 03/21/13 09:12 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: 1962]
Nan Offline
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Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
1962

I am so amazed at how well you are doing. I take my hat off for you.

It took me a while, probably two years, before I stopped thinking of men in very non-complimentary ways. I didn't want to be touched and I sure as little green apples, didn't want sex. I simply didn't want anything to do with them. As far as I was concerned they could have departed from the earth and I wouldn't have cared.

It changed! Slowly, but it changed. What changed was me trusting myself.

I am no longer a magnet for tom, dick and harriet who say one thing and mean another.

I can see when I do the victim- woe is me bit - that attracts the kind of people who know that a victim is a sucker for a whatever they have to offer, which is generally not something anyone wants.

I am much more clear about what I want and why I want it and why I deserve it.

That doesn't mean, of course, that it's all clear sailing and everything is just fine. No, what it means, I think, is that I accept that life is not Disneyland and that no one is going to pretty up my life or validate my person if I cannot find ways to be honest and loving with myself.

As you can read (if you check my posts), it's been a few years, almost ten since I saw the last of the psychopath.

I learned something that I didn't want to know. I didn't want to believe that evil people exist. I didn't want to take responsibility for anything but the goodness inside myself and, yes, I think it's true, that there's evil inside all of us.

It's what we do with it that matters.

Now, I am a lot clearer about when I am greedy, immoral or plain unethical in my dealings with other people.

I am 66, and I have done my fair share of greedy, immoral or unethical things. The point for me is to see these things first in myself, learn why and then correct my thinking and actions as best I can.

When I am more aware of who I am and what I want in this or that situation, it is easier to be aware of what other people are and what they want from me.

It's a cliche, but the long and terrible road with the psychopath and his shenanigans that nearly did me in, taught me many valuable lessons.

Today, what I want is different from what I wanted ten years ago or even five years ago.

Feel free to ask me any questions you may have and if I know the answer (or something close to it) I will tell you what I know.

There's sunshine in the future.

Nan




Edited by Nan (03/21/13 09:38 AM)

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#14504 - 03/21/13 09:15 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: 1962]
Shayna Offline
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Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
Hmm, I might be the minority here; I feel like when I use "my Psychopath" I strip away my personal connection to him and compartmentalize him into a faceless, anonymous group. I do get that you're referring to more the 'my' in the whole thing though... I'd have to think about that I think. I don't quite look at it like you are. It's going to be a piece of me for however long I live and it has changed me for sure, but I can reduce it to a time in my life and not at all about the individual... know what I mean?

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#14505 - 03/21/13 09:37 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: Shayna]
Nan Offline
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Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
Yes, Shayna,

If the way you think about the person works for you, then keep on doing that. It's important to find a place where you feel safe and at ease with the way you express yourself. smile

When I was younger I had migraines . Not headaches - migraines!

I would say something like, "I don't know what to do for MY migraines," when it was pointed out to me that I made a virtue of the migraine being mine and therefore something I owned.

No thanks! :-O

I simply applied the same idea to the psychopath.

Nan

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#14507 - 03/21/13 11:07 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: Nan]
1962 Offline
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Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Nan,

I just turned 50 in October. The "Psychopath" I was married to at the time was promising to throw me a huge 50th

party- honestly, if I had stayed it would have been a funeral.

Wow, 10 years seems like a long time. I'm sure that you have a tremendous amount of wisdom to share.

I fled my house in fear August- 2012. I have gone through a lot, but mostly am just starting to

appreciate the reality of what was and what I have yet to face.


I have always felt that it was wrong to be dependent on another person- and yet I was so with my

husband. For the past 6 months I have had to be dependent on others for housing, food and support. I

feel a total disconnect from the person I used to be.

I do realize that I wasn't really happy in my marriage; I knew something was wrong. I attributed it to

mid life crisis on my husband's part. Again, I never was physically or verbally abused- we were "best"

friends.

He started "telling" around our 30th anniversary and it was down hill from there. As the mask slipped

more and more, I began noticing the disconnect between what he said and what was really happening.

He had compartmentalized the life we had- there were "stories" and excuses that he kept repeating. When

I asked him to tell me 3 things he knew about me (after 30 years)..he had extreme difficulty. When he

spat the last item out, he slapped the counter and said "there! That's three!" He was unable to keep

the mask (I knew) on after that as long as I kept challenging him. He tried others with me and I can

see how charming he must come across to other women. Another was a babyish mask with a sing song voice.

Honestly, I find it hard to believe that this person (who holds a fairly high position in his business)

can function on a day to day basis. I am wondering if the divorce will push him over the edge or just

into another victim's arms.

Thanks Nan for letting me rant- and thanks for your wisdom.

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#14508 - 03/21/13 12:22 PM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: 1962]
Nan Offline
member

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
1962,

When you wrote that you are couch surfing, my heart went out to you. I am such a home-buddy and I love the safety and security of my home so much that had I been "homeless" during the worst of the mess, I would have been devastated.

That you have managed to find strength within yourself without having access to the 'security blankets' of your things and your home is a true testimony to how strong you really are - how viable a personality.

Nan





Edited by Nan (03/21/13 12:25 PM)

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#14512 - 03/21/13 08:11 PM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: Nan]
1962 Offline
member

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Thanks Nan,

Yes, I miss my house and my cats. My bed and my stuff. I left with the clothes on my back and just went back recently for some clothes.

Today I had my first "group" meeting with safe house, a free service for DV victims. I cried as I told my story and they we so welcoming and wonderful. I felt such relief and feel that I have peeps smile. There is only one other woman in the "group" right now. She had been going on and off for 3 years and was recently contacted by her husband which set her back- I really wanted to ask her why NO CONTACT.(but being my first day I didn't want to be too pushy :))

Nan, even if I was in my house I would not feel safe. When I fled the house, he proceeded to renovate the kitchen without me. He told everyone that he was doing it so that when I got home, it would be perfect. He said the kitchen remodel "was to die for" SICK F&*KER.

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#14514 - 03/22/13 06:47 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: 1962]
funkyinanna Offline
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Registered: 03/16/13
Posts: 48
Nan

I was just thinking about this yesterday...'owning' i think it's one of things he passed on to me somehow maybe

but if i was honest with myself i don't want him back if i was honest with myself i do feel safer without him in my life regardless of my current mental state at least now i have a chance to recover whereas if he had stayed things would have only gotten worse
I keep saying it to myself, some parts of me are still unconvinced

As for naming and labeling, there was something in neuro-linguistic-pranceogramming that says it does make a difference what you call someone and how you view them. In other words, if you felt intimidated by a person you could give them a nick-name which made them less intimidating or you could visualize them much smaller than they really are

Eventually you wouldn't need to do that anymore

I did feel thoroughly disgusted by all men over the past couple of months but that started to wear off as soon as I detached myself from him! So weird!
I am worried about being a magnet and will keep a huge distance from other guys for a long while.

He wasn't physically violent with me but he did say that his ex tol him she felt like he was raping her...i wonder how long it took him to get to that stage

Being dependant is something that they deliberately foster regardless of how independant you had been before. I've read that they enjoy it more when you fall lower and faster.

I read your words and words of Shayna and 1962 an quite honestly am unable to grasp the magnitude of what you went through. I feel way too overwhelmed in pain still. It's amazing that you can survive so much and recover and use the experience to improve your life.

It seems now that it was my confrontations that speeded up the ending. He couldn't keep the masks on anymore.

(1962 : I know that babyish mask very well!)

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#14515 - 03/22/13 07:58 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: 1962]
Nan Offline
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Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
Originally Posted By: 1962

[…]

... He said the kitchen remodel "was to die for" SICK F&*KER.


LOL you said it! I like that black humor….

And with a few remodels of the kitchen-knife drawers, it'll be, "See, no hands!"

Nan

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#14517 - 03/22/13 08:15 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: Nan]
1962 Offline
member

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Nan,

So sorry about the knives, that was eerie. Strangely I never felt fear around him, if fact he intentionally tried harder to please me and do more things with me near the end- now I realize it was to keep me in proxcimity for his lacing my food and drink. Once he leaned in to me as I grew sicker and he said, what are your symptoms? - NOt how are you feeling, or can I get you something to make you feel better!!WTF!!!

Again, sick and evil person. Saddens me to no end that I gave him 30 years of my life- but at least I got out with that.

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#14518 - 03/22/13 08:20 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: Nan]
1962 Offline
member

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206


NANA SAID

"When I am more aware of who I am and what I want in this or that situation, it is easier to be aware of what other people are and what they want from me."


Yes, so true. I now think, what's the reason or motivation here. I realize that I too can be greedy or manipulative. I was never the controlling mother that guilted her kids (had enough of that with my own and being raised in the Catholic church!) but I do see where at times I also have the ability to spin in my favor ( I realize that for the most part it is to help me feel safe or when I am feeling fear).

Good post Nan, thanks for putting it out there.

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#14519 - 03/22/13 08:23 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: funkyinanna]
1962 Offline
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Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
Funky

The Babyish mask- I think this must be the first one they develop as a kid. My husband has only used it on me most recently. Like pulling out an old Halloween costume. I have seen it only 3 times, but each time it gave me the total creeps. He is well over 5o, 250 pounds and 6' tall. Guess he felt he needed to try whatever he thought would work- bizarre!!!

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#14521 - 03/22/13 08:37 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: funkyinanna]
Nan Offline
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Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
Originally Posted By: funkyinanna

[…]
I keep saying it to myself, some parts of me are still unconvinced

The more I read of your posts this past week, the more I see how you have rallied. Your writing is calmer and, I hope, a true reflection of your state of mind.
Quote:

He wasn't physically violent with me but he did say that his ex tol him she felt like he was raping her...i wonder how long it took him to get to that stage.

Mr. Who liked to talk about rape and raping and when I told him to knock it off he became totally irate.

He also loved writing about sex, but when it actually came to doing anything about it, he did a fast rabbit on and off and when done, he got up, went to the bathroom, washing so thoroughly it was a wonder that 'little who' didn't fall off.
Quote:

(1962 : I know that babyish mask very well!)

Yes,me too! I had forgotten about that one. He once tried to call me "Mother" while using a whiny voice. Just not cute for a man who at the time was 65, fat, bald and doughy.

Nan

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#14546 - 03/24/13 07:30 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: Nan]
funkyinanna Offline
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Registered: 03/16/13
Posts: 48
Nan,

(sorry i just saw this now)

i am calmer and it's weird i'm sure being on this forum and getting support is a big part of it...before that it was just me with my cyclical thoughts driving me crazy and being triggered every now and again by his actions/inactions and words/ignoring

am managing to get more restful sleep too
i tried to block him from sucking anymore energy from me and it seems to be working or maybe it's just the fact that he's preying on another victim now?

the 'rape issue' is still stomach-churning...how did i overlook that? a combination of interest in porn/fetishes/prostitutes and failed relationships with relatively 'normal' women!!

it also bugs me that everyone else who knows him must have known what he was and i was the only one ignorant of it...i wonder how they viewed me?

the baby mask was his favourite ... i guess cause it worked so well on me...and yes if i dared to voice any complaints i was being insensitive or too sensitive!!!

i remembered another comment from our last 'communication'...it's almost laughable...he said he doesn't "want to be soul mates anymore" cause he had "other life plans now"...
how crazy is that?!

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#14567 - 03/26/13 04:20 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: funkyinanna]
warrioress Offline
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Registered: 03/16/13
Posts: 72
My EX spath is now pretending to be a Buddhist/Spiritual, I guess as a cover for anyone who got wind of his previous actions, like a repentant evangelist and he claims getting 'therapy'.
This is less than a month after me getting a RO for him breaking my windshield, stalking me at my window and trying to break into my house when I was not there. It would be Hilarious if it weren't so dangerous, fake and pathetic.
Perhaps we can just call them Ex spath's, or just Spaths.

In a way it drives you crazy that they are 'just onto another', I don't know why, since this is a GOOD thing and we don't want them anyway, but I notice this is something that drives a lot of us mad. I've emailed the next victim, but since he's in the beloved manic phase, they cant see WTH youre talking about, You look like the looney.

Quote:
it also bugs me that everyone else who knows him must have known what he was and i was the only one ignorant of it...i wonder how they viewed me?


Not True! You almost always look like the crazy one. I see his pics on FB and do not understand why I see it and others don't see how evil he is, and I knew it early. I over rid it and so do they. You are not some fool by everyones standards, they don't get it either.

Mine CRIED to me, PLEASE, PLEASE, I LOOOVE YOU. In two days he forgot I existed except for revenge and was already onto next 'Bright, shiny, new girl' who allegedly was 'not as [censored] up as I am", but he'd been brewing that for months. I got to see his inner workings mostly BECAUSE, new bright shiny girl was in range (and I had access to his inner FB pm's and all) The lies were extraordinary, and somewhat delusional as well. She didnt fall for it, so he tried to come back to me, ha!

Its hard not to personalize 'your Spath', because of difficulty writing anything 'other' thing. Think of it though like, my Zombie. Then it's funny. My Zombie did this, or my Zombie did that.....My Spath serves the same purpose, you can de-personalize it. It let's you off the gravity of it to some extent, sometimes!
I really want to de-personalize it, because I still watch my every move, armed, which means I'm still watching his as well.

How many of you are actually 'armed' and know how to use a lethal or non lethal weapon? Believe me, he knows I'm armed and with a RO I have every right, so it sets a CLEAR boundary. Most Spaths don't want to go to jail or get shot.

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#14570 - 03/26/13 04:45 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: warrioress]
warrioress Offline
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Registered: 03/16/13
Posts: 72
About baby things, which psychologists might have a run with........
I noticed when drinking and 'losing it' he actually walked like a child in diapers, or like a 3 year old. I was thinking about this today, rerunning the films in my head, he literally walked like a child, joltily, he became that child- with an adult, horrible, dangerous streak. He walked about like a baby in a diaper. The issue is, many of us had messed up childhoods and do not do these things, nor 'recuperate' so quickly, blame and write off damaging others as 'nothing'.

I saw some really weird stuff in this relationship. (and really I wish this site would not treat Us like 'children' where we cant use adequate words to describe our experiences, as if WE are 3 year olds)

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#14571 - 03/26/13 05:04 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: warrioress]
funkyinanna Offline
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Registered: 03/16/13
Posts: 48
warrioress

i just did something really stupid! i found a new account that he made on fb..the old one is deactivated...he has only 30 friends so far...and no history mentioned prior to 2012 (his latest marketing job) but what makes me sick in my stomach is the hearts and smiles on the posts and comments with his new girl

i feel really sick!

i did notice though that he managed to transfer most of his female 'fans' from the old account and he seems SO HAPPY!!!!

how can that be?

he's even posted stuff that i told him about!!! as if it's his idea!

and his best friend is there ... he obviously knew all along

frown frown frown

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#14573 - 03/26/13 05:45 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: funkyinanna]
warrioress Offline
member

Registered: 03/16/13
Posts: 72
I talk about Fakebook all the time. My 'real' friends who are 'real' people cannot see the damage, because they use FB for good reasons and it's a great tool.
Psychopaths use Fb for other reasons. The issue is - that ppl who have been victimized are in trouble with FAKEBOOK.
We Can be further victimized by watching, and I am one of them.
I discussed this with a friend today, that I am not emotionally mature enough to deal with FAKEBOOK. I watch everything he does like a puzzle, because these people are puzzling.

I do remember THIS, that HE has NO REAL FRIENDS. The people he's convincing are not anyone who knows him. I often wonder who they are and wonder why they like him and every damn thing he says, and every pic he posts is funny, cool etc., its Annoying to say the least.
But, What WE know is we met Evil, and it makes 'us' crazy that others don't GET it, but we didn't get it either. I think the biggest worry is that WE MIGHT BE WRONG, since others seem to like them.

Insight: My spath told me that FB was a farce, as he told me ALL his relationships were not real. I was kinda lucky that I heard the underneath dialogue all along.
He told me his BEST FRIEND was not a real friend. So when I see this FB- BS I just think....What new GAME is he playing now, like my Spath trying to pretend he's a Buddhist all of a sudden.

I get mad, because I think- he deserves Nothing! I have looked up these women and wonder what they are thinking, but many ppl on Fakebook are fakers themselves!

Fakebook is bad for victims, but I believe you , like me will go through your own process, and soon it/he/she just wont matter.

I saw Y/t videos of my ex of ten years recently, and believe me, I was not in the least interested in him, and once I thought he was the love of my life.

All this passes, but the sooner you make strict boundaries, the better. I have an RO, the best thing I ever did. I made communication IMPOSSIBLE without jail time.

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#14684 - 04/04/13 03:31 AM Re: Do we want to own and personalize THE psychopath? [Re: warrioress]
tiger123 Offline
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Registered: 03/31/13
Posts: 23
Originally Posted By: warrioress
Mine CRIED to me, PLEASE, PLEASE, I LOOOVE YOU. In two days he forgot I existed except for revenge and was already onto next 'Bright, shiny, new girl' who allegedly was 'not as [censored] up as I am", but he'd been brewing that for months. I got to see his inner workings mostly BECAUSE, new bright shiny girl was in range (and I had access to his inner FB pm's and all) The lies were extraordinary, and somewhat delusional as well. She didnt fall for it, so he tried to come back to me, ha!



ahh This guy cries so much I get so numb & sick & tired of him crying. He'd suddenly appear at my office or home and cry for hours begging on his knees for me to stay. It amazes me at how much stamina he has for churning out the tears. He's been trying to guilt-trip me telling me how hard he's fought to keep the relationship going & why we shouldn't let go. but his "reasons" are now making lesser sense/relevance.

& the more I read about all your experiences, the more I'm starting to realize that the things he did to "win me over" when we first met was nothing but tactics. I've cut off all the resources that he wants from me. "love", money, physical contact, and now totally no contact, and my instincts are telling me he's out looking for his next victim even though he's been telling me "I'm moving on with my life, but i'm not moving on from you no matter what you believe." -.- I hope he moves on quickly, but i know it'll hurt when he does.

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