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#12906 - 03/23/12 11:25 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Dianne E.]
coping Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 34
Thank you Diane, I'll start a new topic xx

#12910 - 03/23/12 12:53 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: coping]
Dianne E. Offline


Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
You are welcome, I noticed in the FAQ they answer some of the questions but will send the suggestion to our software consultant to add what the buttons at the top mean like adding quotes etc.


#12939 - 03/25/12 07:04 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: Anonymous]
Smokey Offline

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 78
One of my red flags was when we were living together. I was going out to work ( he was an alcoholic, which I didn't realise then, and didn't work of course)and he was watching TV.

I thought he could at least say goodbye quickly, as I went off to earn the money for both of us, so I playfully, gently, prodded him slightly with my finger while smiling as you do when playful, to get his attention.

Instantly, and in a single fluid move (he used to have a job in security) he grabbed my hand and bent it back painfully.

Bad enough but the real red flag was the expression on his face when he did it - cold, mean and spiteful, with that stare we all know, and he said coldly "Ask me if you want my attention" -conveniently disregarding that he had already ignored my spoken request for his attention before I left, and my goodbye.

I was too shocked to say anything at the time, I just left for work, feeling confused and shocked.

I had SIRENS ringing in my head, never mind red flags, but still I wondered if I was over reacting to what happened. But I felt this is NOT how you behave or react to someone you care about, or respect, or honour??

I kept going over it in my mind and decided I really needed to say something, if only to let him reassure me (this was within the first couple of weeks of him moving into my house).

I didn't want to make too much of it so later, after I was home, I "jokingly", as casually as I could, said something along the lines of "<laugh> I'd better remember not to startle you (I built in a get-out clause/excuse for him), you nearly broke my hand before <laugh>"

He very coldly replied, with absolutely no humour, warmth, jokyiness or smile "If I had meant to break your hand I would have" and turned his back on me.

Boy did that give me chills! The menace and subtext present, even without any real injury or major aggression present, seemed to be a very clear warning to tread very carefully and not "intrude" on his time, space or attention.

On another occasion he told me how his ex wife (whose name he would never tell me, just his derogatory nickname for her) had "shut up" when they were arguing after he put his fist through the door next to her. That he would do that was worrying, that he was telling me seems another clear warning not to push him, but maybe the biggest red flag was the pride in his voice when he told me about it.

Shortly after that, despite constantly saying he was only there for me, to be with me because he loves me, he insisted I needed to formally ask him whenever I wanted to touch him.

He did nothing in terms of housework after the first few days, he was there about two months, and he contributed nothing financially, and never worked a single day, but he accused me of only being interested in money, not him.

Another red flag was when he told me that relationships started out perfect and then gradually "had bits broken off them" - surely they should get better and stronger as they grow and develop?

But then this same man told me that sex with anyone got boring after a couple of months, not a good starting point for monogamy. Some of this stuff I think my mind refused to register at the time because I was too confused by it and because I couldn't accept what it must mean, so I would think I must have misheard somehow. Maybe I also fell for the self-delusion of thinking he would be different with me?

Rapidly the only times he was nice or affectionate was when he wanted me to buy him alcohol, cigarettes or take away meals. "Sweetheart can you get me ....on your way home ?" He went from showering me with affection and attention to walking around for days at a time as if I really, really literally wasn't there.

Not even acknowledging me by pointedly ignoring me, not even that degree of effort or negative attention. No, totally calm and relaxed himself, but as if I were a ghost in the house that he genuinely didn't see, it's hard to describe.

It got so if he even made me a cup of tea and handed me a biscuit I took it as proof that he did love me.He did so little that anything seemed a lot.

He would mock me for example, when I was at home discussing work with someone on the phone, he would be in the room repeating everything I said as I said it, like when children are trying to annoy each other?

I got home early from work once to be greeted with "What are you doing here?" in an accusatory tone.

I always wondered if that was a guilty concious, or paranoia, and he thought I had deliberately come home unexpectedly early to catch him out in something.

He hated people he knew talking to each other. I later found out it was because his lies would become apparent as different people compared conflicting stories he had told them.

Lots of the red flags became apparent afterwards, as I slowly found out what had really been happening. He told everyone else I had lost him his job when I threw him out.

How could he have lost his non-existent job when he never worked a single day?!(While I did one full time and two part time jobs!)

Of course he was playing the pity card with them, and making me out to be the villain, and borrowing money from them on that basis.

It was also a red flag when I realised he was stealing small amounts from my purse while he was here, while trying to get me to buy him a car: "If I had a car I could get a job and then we would be fine, I hate not working"

Had A bought him a car I have no doubt that would have gone when he did, which was basically when he saw I was beginning to see through him, so I became a target requiring more effort that someone who was totally unaware about him, although my heart would not accept what my head and my reasoning were screaming, and the gaslighting made me very much doubt my own judgement.

He tried to isolate me from family and friends, so I couldn't validate or sound out my feelings of unease or red flags to them. Originally it was male friends he objected to, then also female family and friends.

It got so that seeing them wasn't worth the awful atmosphere with him afterwards. Even if they phoned I would try to get them off the phone as fast as possible, so as not to rock the boat.

I remember there were times I would ask him about something that we had done, or try to discuss something with him and he would just insist whatever it was had never happened, but I knew it was something we had done or a conversation we had had!!

How can you discuss anything with someone who insisted black is white and that what you know really did happen never occured?! Another good way to mess with your sanity.

At the time I didn't recognise him as a Psychopath, I didn't know about Psychopaths then (nor did I know that not all alcoholics were homeless tramps who drank all day every day and lived rough) but I was starting to see that his actions never matched his words and his protestations of being in my house because he wanted to be with me, insisting he had passed up on the chance to move in elsewhere, with a good job, to be with me.

Of course with several years to puzzle it out since I last saw him (yes it can be done but something has recently brought him back onto my radar again, fortunately I don't think I am back on his), and putting it all down neatly here it seems unbelievable that anyone would ever put up with it but of course it is far from so clear at the time, with your emotions all over the place and with all your focus on trying to make it right, as he tells you it is you that is making the relationship lurch from one disaster to another (you fail to notice you are giving everything, he is giving next to nothing, just enough to keep you hanging on in hope, or to reel you back in), always so near yet so far from that initial bliss, delirium and ecstasy.

I am sure there were other red flags, I will post some more another time.

In an odd way it is reassuring to see so much I recognise in other people's posts. It lets me know I was not alone.

I don't think I will ever fall out of love with who I thought he was, and how I envisaged our future would be but I hope I can hang on the knowledge of who he actually is.

Edited by Smokey (03/25/12 07:52 PM)

#13054 - 04/14/12 04:21 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: Anonymous]
the_maenad Offline

Registered: 04/13/12
Posts: 6
When he said one of his exes said he looked like a "demon", and how much it bothered him.

When in almost every relationship, he calls his ex-girlfriends psychos and that he 'attracts psychos' but they all seem to be violently struck by him, and run away from him.

The fact he can't hold a job to save his life, and ONLY ever wants FEMALE roommates, because he 'doesn't get along with men'.

How he told me he masturbated to autopsy reports when he was little.

His atrocious relationship with his mother, who was apparently a horrible woman, but also followed by his philosophy that 'all women are c*nts'.

The delusional manipulation and beliefs in astrology, palmistry, reincarnation (he's convinced this new girl he's the incarnation of a famous occultist) and mysticism, only he uses it in a Charles Manson way.

When he told me his favorite serial killer was Zodiac and he admired his work.

When he told me straight-out he 'tries to repress' his psychopathy and 'be a good person' when he was very angry at me, because he worried he was going to 'unravel'.

His complete disregard and lack of empathy for animals.

When he told me hanging out with friends is stupid, only if they help you with something or you provide something for them. (lack of compassion)

Yeah, I am pretty sure he has the makings of a serial killer.

#14139 - 12/29/12 09:35 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Dianne E.]
007Girl Offline

Registered: 12/09/12
Posts: 15
Good morning all,

Needless to say it was a sleepless night as I was so engrossed in the reading of the posts. I am new so forgive me if I still am in the baffled, "stupid me" stage. I really need some words of comfort. I am frightened of his capabilities of revenge on me now, I didn't think it could get a whole bunch worse! My divorce has become very imminent to me after reading this site and gaining validation that he truly has the characteristics of a psychopath.

I was thinking about this as reading all the signs... I had all of them that were mentioned! I think the biggest one for me, was I am a recovering alcoholic (which he used very wisely to keep my self respect at bay) and I had relapse when meeting him. I was forthcoming from the start of our "trip to hell" about being in recovery and that I had relapsed and that is where my focus needed to be, on myself. He was off and running from the start with getting serious with me. He continued to persistently pursue knowing I was not healthy at that point in my life! It was as if it was the green light to GO for the kill. I can't help but be angry with myself for allowing it to bring me to such a condition I currently have become. The severe depression and anxiety I daily struggle with and working my recovery plan as well!!!!

Also, another flag for me is the little detail he gives me on EVERYTHING. Its like pulling teeth to get a complete direct answer on simple things. He always seems to forget all details. Now, reflecting back, I am certain it is because he couldn't keep up with all his lies! Over the years of our marriage and two kids later I have noticed him getting sloppier in his ability to hide everything... porn addiction, STDs, affairs, chatting, adult sites, his whereabouts, putting spyware on my phone, GPS on the underside of my car and trackware on my computer!!!! But hes thoroughly equipped with rationalization of any situation that he may encounter, even if it doesn't sound plausible.

Our marriage has been literal hell for the last 4 years if not longer. I am not sure whether to be relieved I have found the start of some closure and can cease his ritual of beating me over the head with guilt and shame of MY character defects. Or to be livid that I am in this predicament with two children ages 4 and 3, looking at the possibility of being homeless. I quit my job at a large well paying corporation to follow him around in the military to be basically unemployable after 4 yrs out of the computer workforce. I am so grateful that I found this site. I pray that I can find a local type of support group as well. I have a feeling this run down pinto just got dropped off at the Indy race track. I have questions for people, but I probably should have posted another thread as I am babbling, I am just so flabbergasted.

-007Girl (Chryss)

Edited by 007Girl (12/29/12 09:39 AM)

#14509 - 03/21/13 01:24 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: 007Girl]
funkyinanna Offline

Registered: 03/16/13
Posts: 48
Here's my list which is incomplete for sure (i keep remembering more and more)

1) fascination with porn
2) secretive activities in online social networks
3) considers himself 'an expert on women' (whatever that means)
4) considers himself 'an expert on sex' (whatever that means)
5) inability to control intake of drugs and alcohol (he keeps using until he runs out of stuff or can't afford to but anymore for a while)
6) bragging about the number of 'relationships' he's been in
7) lagging way behind in education system/applied work results etc.
8) periods of time which are unaccounted for (didn't appear to be working and having no obvious source of income)
9) spends 99% of time talking about himself
10) when he wants something he wants it NOW!
11) bizarre thinking process/ crazy-making
12) thoughts do not match words do not match actions
13) is always interested in 'influencing' people
14) believes all his (male) friends are jealous of him

#14510 - 03/21/13 02:22 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: funkyinanna]
Nan Offline

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
Inanna, yes, I remember many Red Flags.

Here are a few that can still make me blush for having been so gullible.

He told me the most vivid stories from Berlin. Horrific stories of people attempting to scale the Berlin Wall and ending up in No-Man's-Land, where they were shot and left to die amidst screams. He had been there as one of the good guys.

I saw no reason to disbelieve the stories.

Then, I started reading a few of Len Deighton's novels and came across several chapters that were almost verbatim accounts of Mr. Who's account.

So I asked him about it and here's the part that still makes me red on the tip of my ears: He said:

"Well, you know, I was his personal researcher and assistant and he (Len Deighton) used many of my stories in his books."

Yes, sirriieee! I believed that too!

Yes, he had hit his wife and broken her nose, but in fact, she was not too mad, for although she was wrong, she had always wanted a nicer nose… This had scared me and I had asked quite a few questions after I heard that story.

He had been visiting and had, I discovered, spent quite a lot of time sharpening my heavy duty kitchen knives.

He had also left them in the regular drawer, edge up, so I had cut several fingers when I reached for a butter knife. These knives were always left in a special drawer and with cardboard covers so I would not cut myself on them.

He never had his wallet on him when we were out, so could I…? When I softly asked about the money, I would be told, "Oh, yes, as soon as I am finished with…" I would continue to softly remind him, but he ignored me.

When leaving for home, he would have a huge list of things to bring home and would send me, sans his money, to the store to get them-

These and other stories are just the regular run of the mill psychopath stuff that most people wouldn't believe. I see why it's hard to credit, don't you?

Why we believed them and why we allowed ourselves to be taken so far down the rabbit hole is anybody's guess and so is why we suddenly wake up…but wake up we do and thank be to all the gods….


Edited by Nan (03/21/13 03:24 PM)

#14511 - 03/21/13 08:00 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: 007Girl]
1962 Offline

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206
007 girl,

Welcome, sorry you have to meet us like this. I've had a rough day and am so tired. Please continue to read and post. I'll (and the others here) will provide you with support and validation and perhaps a little advice on how to get through this nightmare. We've all been there.

#14513 - 03/22/13 06:10 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Nan]
funkyinanna Offline

Registered: 03/16/13
Posts: 48

thanks for sharing some of your red flags...there always seems to be more of them lurking around

I still can't understand why someone would tell stories about UGLY things that he did unless he does actually believe that it makes him seem 'special'

I don't feel embarrased any more just angry with myself

I could have walked away I did in fact walk away several times and allowed him to reel me back in
WHY did he reel me back in? I assumed it was coz he had feelings for me! It was just so he could use me as a victim.

That thing with the knives is way too crazy! I wonder how long it would have taken him to do something like that to me? Maybe never if he could keep up the mental abuse successfully

he did hint about the money thing a few times but i pretended not to get it! I only 'lent' him small amounts,, partly coz when he broke with his ex he said that she demanded her money back and when I asked how much it was he told me a relatively insignificant sum. Later on I realized it couldn't have been and he was almost always broke after he finished with her

#14516 - 03/22/13 08:06 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Nan]
1962 Offline

Registered: 01/31/13
Posts: 206

It's amazing the things we will believe when we are in oxycotin induced love smile!

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