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#15175 - 05/19/13 05:10 PM advice needed
lisalou Offline
member

Registered: 05/19/13
Posts: 2
Hi guys
Firstly i can not believe ive arrived here?

but im hoping its a good as place as any to start,im still in shock and not quite sure where im heading but i really need some advice re my partner .

il try and keep it as short and sweet as possible id like to add that when i met him i was a confident,happy,single woman who was not desperate to be in a relationship .
i only suspected that my partner could be psycho two days ago i feel like im in a horror movie or a bad dream im sure you know how the story starts as many of the things ive read are very simular to our relationship,he groomed me and chased me for a long time,i was warned he was controlling,i didnt listen,at first it was almost perfect ,then there was a sudden lack of pyhsical closeness ,sex stopped kissing stopped everything stopped,i suspected another woman but he denied it.

it became apparent he was still seeing his ex,i stupidly let him off and gave him another chance things were good for a while but he was still very cold?
as we spent more time together i noticed very quick mood swings hed say the most unkind things and then two mins later act as if nothing had been said,he started putting me down alot and my children,he is also a ex drug addict,so i was thinking oh maybe its because of all the dugs hes taken etc and maybe hes insecure in hiself,but hes very confident in any situation he continues to break the law and is obsessed with saving money and earning it,hes loves the thrill that what he does is ileagal.he can talk for england and is very good at trying to distract you from the questions you ask.

he is also very very clever(believe it or not)....his moods and abusive comments got worse i became very unhappy and tried to end it lots of times however he will not stop calling and txting or turning up at my house and he wins me over.

then i became suspicious for weeks i had a gut feeling he was up to something,he was back intouch with his ex ,they both swear nothing happend or ever will.any way i feel like im waffling a little here ,he refuses to answer any questions i ask him about why he contacted her,he shows no remorse,im trying to work out if im with just a dishonest guy who has issues or a pyhcho ive probally left loads of snippets out its difficult trying to write about it,he went to prison 20yrs ago for gbh....two days ago i found out why but id like to here your veiws on the situation before i go into that.

yes im still in love with him ,i know i shouldnt be and i understand he has got some kind of hold on me and im scared and dont realy know where to go or who to talk too
hope you can help

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#15177 - 05/20/13 02:49 AM Re: advice needed [Re: lisalou]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
The fact that you've arrived at this forum and decided to write probably says enough already. And what you describe is a typical case (can't believe, these guys are so cliche). If you still have doubts see the Hare's psychopathy checklist revised. I bet he'll score high.

And regardless of being or not a psychopath if the guy is lying, cheating, is a criminal, mistreats you and you feel unhappy with him - is it not obvious you should want to leave (well, I know it's not although it should be)? Think about it: what positive thing are you getting from this relationship? And if nothing or close to nothing - why don't you just leave? He will never change, you've written yourself he shows no remorse so why should he?

When he wants to get you back (not because he loves you so much but because he wants to control you and toy with you) - block his number, don't answer e-mails, when he comes over don't open the doors (I hope you're not living together). And if there is any threat or suggestion of violence - immediately call the police and document (it's good to have a recording device in you pocket if he threatens you verbally). Basically the only way to deal with Psychopaths - no contact.

You have to be strong and firm when dealing with him, nothing else is going to work. When dealing with a Psychopath you have to behave like one, having doubts or sympathy will be perceived as weakness and used against you...

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#15178 - 05/20/13 04:16 AM Re: advice needed [Re: crocodile]
lisalou Offline
member

Registered: 05/19/13
Posts: 2
Thankyou for answering so quickly and I know what your saying is true ! The no contact thing is hard he just won't stop , I know I'm still in the -omg I carnt believe it stage!...I'm hurt angry embarrasssed and he has knocked mt confiedence I don't want any of it to be true !

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#15179 - 05/20/13 06:11 AM Re: advice needed [Re: lisalou]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
He will stop eventually. You just have to be persistent.

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#15188 - 05/21/13 12:50 PM Re: advice needed [Re: crocodile]
Shayna Offline
member

Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
If you're really wanting to break it off with him it won't be easy. The quicker you do it though, the sooner you'll go through it, and it's inevitable that you'll need to go through it.

You'll need to go No Contact. It's so hard but oh so necessary. You need to change your email addresses, change your locks on your doors, change your phone number, everything. Then stick to it.

Find a therapist that works for you. It may not be the first or second one... keep trying. You'll need it.

Don't blame yourself here. You're not dumb. You were manipulated because you have a big heart and care for people. He exploited you. You know you're worth much, much more than he's giving you and your children.

Most importantly- YOU CAN DO THIS. You're much stronger than you think you are.

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#15189 - 05/21/13 12:52 PM Re: advice needed [Re: lisalou]
Shayna Offline
member

Registered: 03/05/13
Posts: 120
Originally Posted By: lisalou
Thankyou for answering so quickly and I know what your saying is true ! The no contact thing is hard he just won't stop , I know I'm still in the -omg I carnt believe it stage!...I'm hurt angry embarrasssed and he has knocked mt confiedence I don't want any of it to be true !


Yep, been there. There's times I still don't want it to be true, but it is. There's no doubt about it. The longer I'm away from him the more I want to stay away... but give yourself time to heal. It will take time. smile

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#16643 - 10/02/15 10:41 PM Re: advice needed [Re: Shayna]
Nathaniel Offline
member

Registered: 10/01/15
Posts: 5
Dear lisalou, you think you are in love with him, but you are not. You are in love with an idea, an illusion, a fake, a pretense, a game. We fall in love with these people because they come and go. This is the way love works. Like it or not, we love the person who is a challenge. We are trying to win them because they are mysterious, hard to get, and they come on strong and then pull back. This is what causes attraction. We want to "catch" them. Then we think we love them, although they are just fake. It is just a game, a deception, fakery. If he came to you right now and was somehow, miraculously a serious adult (impossible, right?), and asked you to marry him, you would say, "NO." You do not love him. You know that he is not good marriage or relationship material. You have been duped by the oldest love trick in the world. Come on strong, be a challenge, be mysterious, be "bad," be forbidden, disappear, then come on strong again. This is childish, juvenile crap. Listen, do yourself a favor and throw this guy into the trash where he belongs. He is so far beneath you that you can't see him looking down the cliff.

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