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#15330 - 06/15/13 09:13 PM Traumatic bonding between child and parent
brave Offline
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Registered: 10/27/12
Posts: 34
I was wondering if this could happen between a psychopathic parent and child. I often crave a relationship from my mother, but I feel she is the source, and catalyst to much of my brother's abusive, and criminal behavior. It has been said my brother is a Psychopath, but I feel my mother fits somewhere on the spectrum as well.

I feel like I left my mother's house when I should have- before things got worse. Another side of me thinks I am being petty- though I had to walk home for 14 miles over a public explosion my mother had that I really didn't see coming.

I don't know how to reconnect to family where I will be garnered the understanding from other family members that I should've been getting. I really feel I get little protection from them, aside from one set of family (an aunt and uncle).

I feel stronger now that I have talked openly about the abuse, but there is this expectation that I just put everything in order and be a good girl, and respect my mother, and just play my family role.

I noticed I had so much anxiety when I was with her. I think she thought that was weakness in me, and would see it as an advantage to her.

She used to project that I only go after what I want. I often think it's a projection of herself. Like I would merely show self care and she'd view it as selfishness. I often think it's why I had such self esteem issues.

How do you create the boundaries you need that your parent doesn't respect, and family won't support you on?

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#15332 - 06/16/13 07:18 AM Re: Traumatic bonding between child and parent [Re: brave]
crocodile Offline
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Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
I don't have the experience with the Psychopath in the family but I can tell you that the feelings of wanting to reconnect, make it right, have a normal relationship with the person and so on are not strange to me. I think this is just a normal sentiment that everyone would have when the relationship with a person who they are attached to, either a family member or a romantic partner or a friend, falls apart. In normal relationships that will lead to forgiveness and often to fixing the relationship but when you're dealing with a Psychopath it is, I believe, a lost case. It will only be used against you, to control you and make you miserable. Unfortunately the best strategy so far against the Psychopath is no contact. And you have to teach yourself to be as indifferent to them as possible in order to avoid psychological suffering. It's difficult and probably against your very nature (it is against mine) but they can smell weakness on you (that is: normal human feelings and empathy) and will use it against you.

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#15333 - 06/16/13 07:21 AM Re: Traumatic bonding between child and parent [Re: brave]
crocodile Offline
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Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
Quote:
I noticed I had so much anxiety when I was with her.

that is a recurring theme when dealing with Psychopaths. Almost everyone reports feeling of agitation and anxiety around them. I developed a panic disorder which last to this day although it's much more manageable now.

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#15870 - 08/02/13 08:52 PM Re: Traumatic bonding between child and parent [Re: ]
brave Offline
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Registered: 10/27/12
Posts: 34
Originally Posted By: heartbroken
"She used to project that I only go after what I want. I often think it's a projection of herself." This is called blame shifting. From what you have shared, she sounds like she isn't able to have a healthy relationship with you. Have you read anything about boundaries and how to establish them? Psychopaths always test boundaries. They don't respect them with anyone. I would suggest learning about how to have healthy boundaries. Establish them, and then if she refuses to respect them, be ready to walk away. Never threaten a psychopath. They love to get revenge to use that to further hurt you. Psychopaths don't listen to reason. They seem to lack the ability for one side of the brain to talk to the other side-there is just something missing. If you try to reason with them, they will look at you as a predator does (emotional manipulation and control feasting). Respond with quietness and decisiveness of behavior. That is what I have learned from going through this.


I have read things on boundaries, and I have had to set them sternly with her. I had to shout at her, hold her accountable for lying so much. It was like everything she had lied about to me came up in one big argument. I love how she said I was being nasty when I mentioned her sick behavior, and child abuse.

When this happened I had just started a full time job, and she began suddenly lashing out at me. I never understood where that was coming from as I had been incredibly open with her to stop her from lashing out, or accuse me of lying, or running off and bad mouthing me to family. She would accuse me of doing something wrong, without me actually doing anything wrong. At the time I thought this would help us as a family with communication. Now I see it was a cycle, where she is still sick, and projecting at me.

And after all these years I feel like a stranger in my own family because of her. She no longer has my phone number, or my address. She doesn't not know where I work either. My brother lives in a different country, and has a solid police record here, that includes domestic violence, DUIs, theft etc., etc.

I have had to move on and get new family, and what a world of difference it is when you're around people who are easy to communicate with, and don't make you feel like you're on egg shells.

I never really applied the word socio-path, or psychopath to her, but it seems apro-pros as her behavior has never really stopped, even when I had done nothing wrong. It's like she could never have that I be a fully formed, and respected person. It's difficult when someone has broke down your boundaries in so many ways, all your life.

I ended up dating a man who was sort of like her, and my brother. What a sick mess that was. Again they will break down your boundaries, and then think they are doing nothing wrong even if it is obviously abusive. It's like they hate the decency in you so they try to destroy it.

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#15873 - 08/03/13 01:57 AM Re: Traumatic bonding between child and parent [Re: ]
brave Offline
member

Registered: 10/27/12
Posts: 34
I am at a point where I don't have contact with other family. I tried to talk to a cousin but they never replied back.

I feel it is best for me to have no contact, and just work with the anxiety and depression.

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#15921 - 08/16/13 07:38 PM Re: Traumatic bonding between child and parent [Re: brave]
Ishewatching Offline
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Registered: 06/12/13
Posts: 10
I worry for my children and the relationship they have with teir dad all the time

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#15926 - 08/16/13 10:05 PM Re: Traumatic bonding between child and parent [Re: Ishewatching]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi, do you currently share custody? If you are comfortable answering what kind of custody do you share with him? Does he pay child support?

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#15935 - 08/18/13 02:48 PM Re: Traumatic bonding between child and parent [Re: Dianne E.]
Ishewatching Offline
member

Registered: 06/12/13
Posts: 10
Are you asking Brave? I have full custody but as this new social worker has suggested he has custody inspire of abuse evidence I think she may have a new range river due soon . It's outrageous . I worry the same will happen as brave . His family bully us into not pressing charges . Best stay away from them BRAVE ! Being isolated though is hard . Finding this group and a therapist who told me he was a psychopath has helped me come to terms with it . I'm not crazy . He is

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#15941 - 08/19/13 04:04 PM Re: Traumatic bonding between child and parent [Re: Ishewatching]
brave Offline
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Registered: 10/27/12
Posts: 34
I know to stay away. I think my human side wants to trust and forgive, and give the benefit of the doubt though. I do know they cannot change.

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