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#15415 - 06/29/13 09:12 PM Am I sensing a psychopath?
hisonlyqueen Offline
member

Registered: 05/25/12
Posts: 26
Am I sensing a psychopath or am I being paranoid?

I had a psychopath in my life 2 years ago, it was a short relationship that lasted 6 months, in that short time he damaged me in every way possible, financially, emotionally and even legally. I healed for the most part and have moved on with my life or at least trying.

I am on a dating site and talking to some people there but have not met anyone and being extremely cautious. I started chatting with this guy about 3 weeks ago he was kind of quick to ask me to talk on the phone, I asked him a few more questions and after a few more messages I decided to give him my number, he called me and we talked and planned on meeting at some point and to continue getting to know each other. That week was very busy for me and I completely forgot about him and forgot to text him but when Saturday night came I decided to send him a text...He sounded upset and kept asking me why I hadn't kept in touch all week and asked me if I would give us a chance, I explained to him I had a busy week and he understood, he said he was worried that I would vanish again. We are still talking but we have not met in person yet. He says he is out of town vacationing, first he said we would meet this past weekend and then changed it saying that he meant next week. He is a bit mysterious but I ask myself if he is just being private because he doesn't know me yet (I know I am being private with my information). I also notice that he sometimes responds with questions or when we text he ignores some questions and changes the subject. We are supposed to meet Monday evening.

Some of his responses and behavior reminds me too much of my first psychopath, I would like some opinions about this if you don't mind. I don't know if I gave enough information. But please ask.

Am I just being paranoid or does this guy seem a little awkward? Should meet him and find out? or should I not take the chance? What if he is a nice guy and I aim missing the chance? What are the odds that its another psychopath with in 2 years?!?!

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#15417 - 06/29/13 11:26 PM Re: Am I sensing a psychopath? [Re: hisonlyqueen]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
I guess you should just meet him and give it more time. You can't really just say about someone he's a Psychopath if you don't know enough about the person - being private while talking to someone you barely know and only via web is normal I think. Just watch out for red flags and you should be fine.

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#15418 - 06/30/13 12:53 AM Re: Am I sensing a psychopath? [Re: crocodile]
Stephanie Offline
member

Registered: 04/04/10
Posts: 47
I can't by any means tell if he is by what you know of him so far. But in my opinion meeting men through online dating, there is about a 50 to 75% chance it is a psychopath or narcissist. That could just be in my age range thought that is 35+? Or it could be me who's only attracting that type? Or I could just b4e paranoid too? I feel like I am so fine tuned into men that I can hear what they think as compared to what they say. I really really don't need another psycho in my life and i fear that keeps drawing them to me for some reason. I don't know how to break the cycle? I have been no contact with the ex psycho for nearly a year. I don't know how to be aware without being obsessively paranoid. It's so hard to try to date again. i understand how you feel. All you can do is give it more time and most importantly trust your instincts. I know for me at least I have always known deep down somewhere what my ex was about. But I didn't want to face the truth so I denied the heck right of of it. Now that my bubble has been burst, its like I can see things so much clearer. I'm grateful to be more aware now, but just knowing what some people are capable of makes dating incredibly scary.
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Faith

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#15420 - 06/30/13 03:32 AM Re: Am I sensing a psychopath? [Re: hisonlyqueen]
trudy Offline
member

Registered: 04/28/12
Posts: 24
What about an empathy test? I had no idea that my ex was a Psychopath, even though while we were together I had inadvertently given him many empathy tests. He always failed. That was one area where he was not lightning quick with a reply. He would be momentarily stopped in his tracks and then do something to change the subject. He is a well skilled liar so one would think he could easily pull some rote answer from his stockpile. He never responded like a normal person. He offered an assessment of the situation but never an emotional or feeling word that would apply.

(Our conversation was not aggressive in manner, normal tones, no anger, just talking.)
For instance when I asked "how do you think that would feel?" his response came with odd body language, a bewildered look, hesitation, attempts at playing it off and finally "I guess it would be hard."

By the look on his face he seemed to want to give me an answer but had no clue. The spotlight was on him and I was uncomfortably close to his secret. I told him, well of course it was hard, but... "just please tell me, how do you think that would feel?" He absolutely could not answer, just tried to be cute, quoted a movie and said "what we have here is a failure to communicate."

Not sure how you might work an empathy test into your dinner date. Perhaps, if you decide you like this person you will find a way to do so at some point. I am not sure if others have noticed this among the zillion other odd aspects of a Psychopath but I remember it throughout my situation. This one really exposes the emotional void.

The Psychopath would always point out babies, children, puppies and the elderly to me as if he found them to be so dear. I see this as his hammy, odd effort to appear like a caring, empathic guy. Sorry to go on and on but empathy is key. Weed out the Psychopath's, n's and a holes. Trust your gut, intuition, memory and healthy boundaries.

Best to you

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#15421 - 06/30/13 07:00 AM Re: Am I sensing a psychopath? [Re: trudy]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
Agreed, mina also had a problem to respond properly to emotional talk/situations. Whenever I asked him any question that was not easily answered from learned experience he would make very odd, psychologically improbable replies that made no sense to me. The only problem is that the more "experience" the Psychopath has the more likely it is that you hit something he's learned the right response to. But in any case I'd look through the Red Flags topic in this section, it probably sums up most if not all red flags.

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#15423 - 06/30/13 09:46 AM Re: Am I sensing a psychopath? [Re: crocodile]
hisonlyqueen Offline
member

Registered: 05/25/12
Posts: 26
Thanks everyone for your replies.
I guess I have to meet him and of course will look out for the red flags....
About a week ago he deleted his profile on the dating website. Last night he told me he knew I was still on it, I asked him how he new. He said he has friends on it and that I am messaging with one of his friend for the past 2 weeks. I felt invaded.....he also is a bit demanding in my opinion. we don't even know each other yet and he insists and reminds me not to meet another guy to be patient and wait for him, to give us a chance...I talked to several guys online and really is just question and answer and getting info about each other, no demands or expectations but this guy is a little odd...what worries me is that I really wanna meet him....all the other guys seemed so boring. :((
_________________________
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife but couldn't keep her;
He put her in a pumpkin shell...

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#15424 - 06/30/13 09:55 AM Re: Am I sensing a psychopath? [Re: hisonlyqueen]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
Well, a Psychopath is rarely boring but that may not be the kind of excitement one wishes in their life... I guess you'll see when you meet the guy and get to know him better. Let us know how it went:).

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#15425 - 06/30/13 09:58 AM Re: Am I sensing a psychopath? [Re: hisonlyqueen]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Great idea, Trudy, maybe tell him you couldn't have met with him last week in any regards because either someone you were close to died or a beloved pet died to see how he responds. Maybe give it some thought to come up with an empathy test of your own.

He already sounds a bit creepy, that is just my very biased opinion; )

Frankly I would personally never go on an online site, I know some people do in fact meet decent people but really it makes me too nervous. I think of the Internet as the Psychopath Highway in many regards.

If you really want to meet him, I would take a friend along. If that upsets him then you know more about who you are dealing with.

Quote:
I felt invaded.....he also is a bit demanding in my opinion. we don't even know each other yet and he insists and reminds me not to meet another guy to be patient and wait for him, to give us a chance..


Speaking of red flags, this one is so huge I would think twice about even meeting him. Do you know the most common thing people have said in all these years of our community? That they brushed aside their first instincts.

It may sound harsh but aren't you trying to paint this red flag white?

Di

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#15427 - 06/30/13 10:46 AM Re: Am I sensing a psychopath? [Re: Dianne E.]
hisonlyqueen Offline
member

Registered: 05/25/12
Posts: 26
He told me he was out of town until this weekend. I asked him twice this morning what time he was heading back and how long was the ride and he changes the subject, he is not answering that questions, I don't want to sound pushy or too inquisitive...feels like he is hiding something or not being honest...

Dianne, I think you are right about the red flag.....as much as I would like to meet him, now I am thinking twice about it, there are thousands of guys out there even thought this is the one I am drawn to but maybe that is the problem, I might be drawn to that type of personality...
Thanks again for all your input and advice, I will definitely keep you guys posted.
_________________________
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife but couldn't keep her;
He put her in a pumpkin shell...

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#15428 - 06/30/13 12:42 PM Re: Am I sensing a psychopath? [Re: hisonlyqueen]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Hi, the issue to keep in mind is that Psychopath's are excellent at luring people in. If he can't answer a basic question I would think that is enough evidence for him being someone to meet up with.

You are right there are thousands of good guys out there, it is just a process in finding the right one. Maybe start doing something different like going out for coffee, if you don't have a dog borrow a friends dog (take a really nice and friendly one; ). When I used to sit outside for coffee with my "girls" people flocked to me to talk etc. A dog makes you approachable. If you don't have a dog try going by yourself, I think people are more approachable alone.

Keep us posted if you continue the online thing, you are much braver than I am. Normally I am a very brave person, however when it comes to meeting men online I shrink back;)

Di

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