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#1696 - 02/24/06 06:11 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Vanessa715]
maria Offline
member

Registered: 02/20/06
Posts: 14
Hi Vanessa,

Just read your post and read something that I've seen a lot on this site (and that happened to me as well) -- women who got pregnant with their P. I got pregnant 3 months after we started dating, I know it was partly my fault because I trusted him and his *stupid ridiculous* manipulations.

I wonder how many of the posters on this site have had similar experiences?

Maria

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#1697 - 02/24/06 08:18 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: maria]
Vanessa715 Offline
member

Registered: 02/15/06
Posts: 64
Hi Maria.

It definitely adds a whole level of complication to the issue....because obviously NO CONTACT is not completely possible when you have to deal with them as the other parent of your child. So then you have to figure out the closest thing to NO CONTACT and ur bound to mess that up a few million times before u get it right.

I would love to hear more about ur experiences dealing with that situation when you have time.

Thanks!

Vanessa

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#1698 - 02/24/06 08:50 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Kathy]
tiasa1234 Offline
member

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 193
Dearest Kathy... You are very welcome, my dear. I DO understand and know how much kind words mean at this time... I am just giving back what was given to me the past year... we can help each other through this horrendous time. Trying to explain these feelings to "others" (those who never went through experience with a P) is like trying to nail jello to a wall!!! People just don't get it unless they've been through it. I would love to hear your story when you have the time and energy. Take your time. We'll be here. I am going to post my "love letters" that I wrote to "my P" soon (leaving out tell-tale names, locations, etc...) so you'll see how incredibly captivated and "brain-washed" I was. You'll also see that there IS light at the end of the tunnel... and not only will you survive, but you WILL THRIVE! Just try your best to break away (NO CONTACT) because as long as he is involved your life you can't break free. He wants more than anything to CONTROL you... even after 8 months of NO CONTACT when I ran into "my P" he TRIED to gain control back (even if it was just for me to "confess" what is going on in my marraige ("Are you being romantic together?"). He looked directly in my eyes and told me he's still "madly in love" with me. If that was REALLY the truth, why the hell would'nt he try to contact me (cards, letters, etc...???) Does he REALLY think I believe his CRAP???? I just laughed at him and said "How could you stare into someone's eyes and blantenly lie - it's unbelievable???!" His reply? "I am not lying... I could NEVER lie!" (ANOTHER LIE!!!) He has NO RESPECT for my (or anyones) boundaries and never will - they DON'T (and CAN'T) change... They may PROMISE to change, etc...but PLEASE know they LIE, LIE, LIE!!! He's like a very bad joke.
Keep posting. Love and ((((((((HUGS)))))))) Tiasa xo
_________________________
If you lend someone $100 and never see that person again, it was worth it!

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#1699 - 02/24/06 09:10 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: tiasa1234]
Kathy Offline
member

Registered: 02/06/06
Posts: 22
Oh Tiasa,

Can't wait to be where you are now... actually being able to laugh again and mean it...

I wonder so about some of the original posters on here... so hoping they have gone on to wonderful things, you know?

Want that for you too, but am glad you here right now...know that's selfish, but there it is... besides can't wait to read those love letters...lol.

Exhausted, must try to sleep.

Thanks you again, so much.

Kathy



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#1700 - 02/25/06 06:39 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Kathy]
tiasa1234 Offline
member

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 193
Hi Kathy... You WILL be there - laughing and meaning it... one step at a time. I have found it to be very helpful to write about it (and read about it!)... Please keep writing and reading... you'll be glad you did. I will post my "love letters" very soon... I just have to "fine tune" them first. It's amazing to me how incredibly OPEN and TRUSTING I was to this Psycho who I knew for such a short part of my many years (I'm almost 50!!!)... I had NEVER done that before meeting him, but that's how good these creeps are at what they do! They are PROS! Please tell us more about your experience -- it really will help. Love, Tiasa xo
_________________________
If you lend someone $100 and never see that person again, it was worth it!

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#1701 - 02/25/06 09:13 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Vanessa715]
maria Offline
member

Registered: 02/20/06
Posts: 14
Hi Vanessa,

The red flags for my P started becoming really clear when I told him I was pregnant. I was in shock, felt lost, and needed support, and he became a wall. He disappeared for the first few days, then started telling people that I was pregnant (his parents, friends and despite the fact that this was something that was causing me huge distress), and it really seemed as though this had been his ultimate plan to trap me into marrying him (we had met 3 months before, and from day 1 he was talking marriage). He was not supportive, he never asked me how I was feeling or what I wanted. After I went to the doctor who confirmed the pregnancy, I told my P. that the pregnancy test had been wrong and that I wasn't really pregnant, I remember the way he looked at me - as though I was less than human - and left me standing alone in the street.
There were so many other things that he did during this difficult time that rather than support me, us, our relationship, worked only to confuse me, wear me out even further. I didn't keep the baby. It is something I think about all the time and wonder about, but I wasn't strong enough to raise it on my own at the time or to spend my life fighting him (or with him). My friends and family were so supportive and P. left me alone for a month or so after that...
But, one day at work, the 2 dozen roses arrived. A note that said "for the spring that's coming". He waited outside my office to pick me up that day, said he "forgave" me for what I had done! Expensive gifts, promises, the gaze, the words I wanted to hear, and the relationship continued for another 2 years, spiralling into a deeper, darker abyss.
There were times when he actually said things like "if you don't make a decision for us to get married, I will disappear, and get the first girl I sleep with pregnant just to marry her and you'll never see me again"... YES, he said things like this, and I stayed, but thank God, could never make the decision to move forward with him.

-Maria





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#1702 - 03/18/06 02:51 AM Re: Red Flags
Diane1969 Offline
member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 147
I just remembered a couple more BIG red flags that really bothered me very early on.

One was that he claimed he was a complete and pure hedonist. I even tried to get him to recant this since pure hedonism equals pure evil in my book because it is "self" before, instead of, and in spite of, all others - not to mention that pure hedonists are total pigs. He called me a prude... haha.

The second was that he gave me a copy of the book, "Conversations with God," and told me it was the ABSOLUTE BEST book he had ever read. When I opened it up and read the first chapter, I thought, "OMG! This is the most selfish, self-serving pap I have ever laid my hands on. I couldn't read the darned thing because it was so very psychopathic and narcissistic in its viewpoint, and totally without moral conscience. Its central message seemed to be that there is no wrong that can be committed because you are God, which totally abdicates all responsibilty for one's actions with regard to others. I still have the book, and I will slog through it some day to the bitter end.

Yikes!!!

Diane1969

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#1703 - 03/18/06 05:35 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Diane1969]
Vanessa715 Offline
member

Registered: 02/15/06
Posts: 64
thats creepy diane...

it is amazing how much they divulged to us in the beginning mixed in with convincing us they were the best thing since sliced bread...and for some reason we ignored the true things they said and believed the lies...wishful thinking i presumed...

i have a LOT of red flags that i noticed...gonna sit down at some point and compile them to share...

but i'll leave u with a thought that one of my friends who is a therapist shared with me...she said 'if ur dealing with someone that makes u feel like ur crazy its usually because they are crazy and u need to get away'...

i felt like i was NUTS the entire time...everything i had always believed to be true...about myself and the world and relationships...he made me feel was completely off and i was so mistaken...and when i tried to have conversations with him to discuss our difference of opinions...i was always left feeling as though i was insane and flawed...bc ofcourse...i realize now...i was trying to have a logical conversation with someone who has no concept of logic...so the conversations went in circles...until u cant keep up and just give in...

and the projection thing...omg...i mean...i ahve always been a person who is introspective...and tries to constantly improve myself and move forward in life...and i cant tell u how many times this many told me that 'the problem with me was that i wasnt willing to take an honest look at myself and make changes'....and that i was 'controlling'...

now...in my right mind i look back on all of that and think....WHAT THE HECK WAS WRONG WITH ME!!! how crazy...thank goodness its over...

but like i said...i'll compile my list and post it when i get a chance...:D

take care all...

Vanessa

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#1704 - 03/18/06 10:25 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Vanessa715]
Anonymous
Unregistered


I'm new on this site....my first post...anyway...I am going thru a divorce...and I truely believe my future ex is either a P or a Narcissist. When I first met her we exchanged numbers....we did a ton of talking over the phone...and than one day she just stopped calling...a month later she called me and wanted to go on a date...I agreed....and we hit it off instantly....she appeared to be my soulmate....her thinking and the way she acted was indentical to my personality.....we agreed to marry after 6 months of dating......one thing I never understood during the dating time she was always complaining about stress...and she always had a great excuse for every incident of what was stressing her out...she also complained about not sleeping enough but slept for long hours...we were only engaged for 6 months prior to marrying.....my ex told me a few shocking things about her past..... things which made me feel really sorry for her...she has had a real rough childhood...after we married everything she appeared to be, started to disapear....it was like each day I was finding out who i didn't marry...she verbally put me down constantly....was always in a position of a no win situation (e.g complain I didn't vacuum and when I would, she would claim I did it wrong for me not to do it anymore...but then after a while complain again that I never helped out with vacuuming)....she complained about me to everyone ...and it seemed no matter what i did it was never good enough for her. Her moods were up and down..she is very controling(and at the same time demanded freedom...could not question her or she would get upset)...I've seen her lie to others with a straight face and chuckle afterwards while braggin "what a sucker".....and she takes pride into manipulating others...very jealous but would flirt with whomever.....its just seemed it got crazier as our relationship grew and each new day I had to pinch myself wondering if this is really happening to me. We have a child together...and we are in the middle of a divorce and child custody...not sure what is going to happen but I decided to get a eval done so a state psychiatrist can examine the both of us and determine everything is okay. After we separated, she got a boyfriend instantly (I think she was having a marital affair) we never talked after the split up....I got the impression she was trying to punish me for leaving her ( I just wanted her to realize our relationship needed serious help which was the reason why I left)..it also seems she was just using me for a certain time and spit me out after she was done with me. I guess the big question i have...how can I determine if she truely is a psychopath?

I can give examples of some really strange stuff....she would only tell me she loved me and would express her feelings just during fights/arguments. After she would freak out she would than ask me "if I still loved her" she would never apologize...she would only say sorry if I reminded her and than she would say it sarcastically....she claimed I was too sensitive..she claims to be the best at everything(even subjects she has no idea what she is talking about)...would find my personal belongings in the trash can at times during our marriage...it was like a game to see if she could throw things away without me noticing (maybe it was her way for me to remember to take out the trash...I have no idea!!!!)....If i was sick I were to get over it...if she was sick I was to wait on her hand and foot....if she was relaxing it was because she was overworked...If I was relaxing she claimed I was a lazy. I felt like her personal slave 24/7...and her constant mind games were mind boggling......and nothing was ever good enough.....I really can't get into detail about most of our problems and her past childhood.....she does have access to a pc and I fear she might find this post some how ...but i thank anyone with feedback who might see any redflags

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#1705 - 03/18/06 11:00 AM Re: Red Flags
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Stempysong, welcome to the forum. If I may ask what got you started thinking she might be a Psychopath? It is always interesting to see what different paths members take to get them to realize they might be dealing with a Psychopath.

I have a question, did she ask you/and or accuse you of you hating her?

Di

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