Page 13 of 26 < 1 2 ... 11 12 13 14 15 ... 25 26 >
Topic Options
#1716 - 03/22/06 06:19 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Diane1969]
Vanessa715 Offline
member

Registered: 02/15/06
Posts: 64
Diane...

im definitely gonna work on compiling that list...

so many things...so similiar....

the two that are MOST glaring are the sex issues which i would love to delve into more....that whole thing was EXTREMELY confusing and demeaning for me...but ive managed to pull out of even that funk...lucky for me...

and the other thing was the focus on appearance....especially the house...he drove me CRAZY with that...and i kept thinking to myself (ur so concerned with how the house looks but u dont care about what ur life looks like...i dont understand)...

anyway...they are just nuts...luckily i see the whole relationship through different eyes...and see things so differently...now his actions...and words are almost laughable...and i cant believe i fell for ANY of it bc it seems so transparent now...but i dont come down on myself for it now...it was what it was...i realize my vulnerability was my humanity...and my ability to empathize...and my having a conscience...and i am happy i have those things...but now know to use them more carefully in the future...

thank u all so much...

i feel like a new woman...i almost feel like he never even happen...i feel no residue from the pain...i feel awesome...really...and i wouldnt have EVER gotten to this point this fast...without all of u...u have been amazing...really!!!

THANKS!

Vanessa

Top
#1717 - 03/22/06 10:07 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Diane1969]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thank you for the kind words, I'm sorry to everyone as well, because it seems everyone else who comes to this site has similar problems as I. I wish I could interact more, I am usually good at listening and giving advice to friends and family with personal problems. But in all honesty, the more I learn about this subject, the more questions I have about this mental illness. I never thought in a million years prior to marrying, I would be afraid of my wife to be. As reality set in during our marriage and now being separated, I am very scared of this person who I promised to love and cherish for the rest of my life. She is so unpredictable and so controlling I know her goal now will be to try and get under my skin. She is the type of person who will do everything in her power to make my life difficult.
I know this because I witnessed this behavoir as she destroyed whoever got in her way while we were married. Each time she demonstrated this behavior towards others I became more fearful to disagree with her. I am still afraid of her knowing what she is capable of doing and I wish I knew how to comunicate with her so we could have a civil conversation. As of now I only try to comunicate with her when only needed. I only provide facts and mostly listen. Only speak to her when it is a must.

When we speak now I pick up on all her bait and sympathy stories as she blames others for some problems our son is having at this time. She also manages to email me periodically, with a statement only to respond back upset of why I never replied to her question. anyway, thank you all for the kind words. stempysong


Edited by Stempysong (03/22/06 10:09 AM)

Top
#1718 - 03/22/06 11:32 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Vanessa715]
Anonymous
Unregistered


(ur so concerned with how the house looks but u dont care about what ur life looks like...i dont understand)...


that is so strange..my ex was the same way...our house had to be spotless. She would freak out if someone just so happened to drop by without notice. She would never get upset with that visitor. She would wait until after the person would leave to lash out at me on how the house was such a mess. In the begining of our relationship we purchashed our dog/puppy. It seemed after the newness or novelty wore off over the dog (she no longer got attention from her family for having a dog) It was now time to put the dog in the classify's because it was dirty and sheded hair. My Ex was a clean freak and took pride in it....so much it was nothing to throw away my belongings she considered junk. She chose while I was not home yet, what I could keep and what got thrown away.

Top
#1719 - 03/22/06 01:16 PM Re: Red Flags
Anonymous
Unregistered


Stempysong, I pray that God will bless you with a peaceful future and peace of heart.
I am still young and don't know much about marriage-breakups, especially not with P's -- FORTUNATELY!

I become very humble as I read more of people's experiences here. I have been fortunate not to have lived through a tough marriage or other long relations with P's. My ex-boyfriend and I were quite distant. Thanks to him smuggling in a cell-phone into his prison cell and calling me at night, I have learned a great deal about him. More than I did during the two years prior to three weeks ago. His mask came off so easily, like butter. Because he allready had quite a good control of me by then, so it was just a question of time before he would really reveal himself. Before that he wouldn't tell much about himself because of the censors that taped the calls made from the prison phone. He was afraid that they might analyze him, make a profile of him.

Anyhow, I feel humble because I haven't been through and stuck in all the dirt that others here have. I bet your fight for freedom is harder but even more gratifying when bearing fruits than what I feel now that I'm shaking off my ragged garments -- so to speak.

I wanted to share some more of my story here -- some red flags!

When I visited my P, he had a scrutinizing almost prying look on his face. He watched my moves, my face, as if he was searching for something. It made me feel painfully watched and uncomfortable so I slammed my eyes down quite a great deal of the first couple of minutes. At first I convinced myself that he had only been welcoming and sincerely interested in me: I subconsciously denied the initial awkwardness and discomfort that I felt!

He later explained that he had to watch me because he had to make sure I was honest. It was only part of his precautiousness as a member of this illegal organization. In my opinion he showed no modesty or deference of me at all by doing that. My idea is that that could be a way of absorbing my mimicks and behaviour to try to imitate me. I sensed that he continued to watch me during that whole one hour or so – needlessly!

He explained later on the phone that he was “shaking all over”, that he was "sooo nervous". But I did not notice a flicker of insecurity or that his body shook. He was overtly self-confident, his voice did not shiver, nor did his hands. His stern, wide and vigilant gaze was unwavering. As if he was looking at an object through a microscope. I really felt watched, guarded. And at that time I supressed that feeling, I undermined it.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” I thought in the quiet recesses of my mind that were so overwhelmed and shaded by the “good qualities”, the loveliness of what was going on, my... “soulmate”.


Edited by UpLate (03/22/06 01:22 PM)

Top
#1720 - 03/22/06 02:23 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: Vanessa715]
Jacq Offline
member

Registered: 02/06/06
Posts: 14
Vanessa, I'm so happy for you. In fact, your attitude is really helping me to get through this, too. Reading your words helps me to realize I feel the same way, that his lies and actions were laughable and I too, am seeing all this through different eyes (and the Wellbutrin and Lexapro is helping, too...ha). Feeling like it almost didn't happen like it was just a bad dream...yes..I'm getting there and it feels SO much better. What goes around comes around and he'll get his someday.

Top
#1721 - 03/27/06 12:12 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: Deb]
sarah Offline
member

Registered: 12/24/05
Posts: 82
Loc: U.S.A.
Deb,

I've been too Depressed to get on here and post much. But I need to talk to you. You replied to my psychopath/demonic post and I've not forgotten it. You are further along than me! I've had a major set back, but we do have much in common, being raised by a Psychopathic mother. Mine is still alive and I've added a little more, to "My Mother" thread today, till it brought back too much and I almost had a Panic Attack remembering... Have to bury it again for now, cause it's just the tip of the ice berg and I'm not ready to go further, yet!

*************************************

What you were saying here about Red Flags! {which is how I found this message board in the first place}

Oh my! They do mirror you, that is so true!... P1 and P2 became everything that I was! At first anyway.

P1 was shy, at almost 20 and I was shy at almost 13. When he took my virginity that summer, I thought it was love, after all we had so much in common, both of us were shy and quiet, Yeah right :-\ Now he's a Bandido, with all that that implies, and I'm Agoraphobic with Major Depression, PTSD and Panic Attacks! So who's shy?

And P2 loved Rock-n-Roll, like me! He was bragging about all the bands he's seen! How he saw all of the big name bands in Miami! Sure they had concerts in Miami, it's an International City, but how many 'Great' Rock bands came from Miami? Jimmy Buffet was from the Keys, but he did Country Rock, like "Hello Texas".. After Elvis, Rock-n-Roll was being perfected in Louisiana & Texas, and in South Texas we were booing Tom Jones off of the stage at the height of his career. Miami had a Jim Morrison concert where he was peeing on his Miami fans. P2 stole the truth about Rock, but he had me thinking we had something in common, Rock music. He bragged about it, as if Rock itself was born in Miami. But where the Stones and the Beatles got their inspiration for Rock music, wasn't in Miami. They got it from "The Real South" where I grew up. Miami is not the South, though it's in the South, it's really a big city where the big bands make money, not music...

Later, P2 almost had me thinking that Rock was inspired by P2 himself, lol!

Deb, I need to talk to you, you give me hope that I might be able to drag myself up out of this latest "black hole" that I find myself sinking farther and farther down into.

God help us ALL!

_________________________
Sarah

Top
#1722 - 03/28/06 06:23 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: sarah]
maria Offline
member

Registered: 02/20/06
Posts: 14
hi sarah,

I felt myself falling into a black hole a few days ago and Deb replied to my post - it might be helpful for you to read it - it's the most recent post in "Coping Suggestions".

Hang in there! You found the strength to break from your P, getting out of this black hole will be much easier than that.

-maria

Top
#1723 - 03/28/06 10:22 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: maria]
DetroitMan Offline
member

Registered: 03/28/06
Posts: 45
I decided to write out a list of some of the red flags I have seen with my ex. I am wondering if anyone else has seen or dealt with some of the same issues as I.

1)Mirors on the walls (in place of pictures)
2)Will not watch romance movies.(prefers horror movies, laughs while watching)
3)Blames everyone for everything which has gone wrong within the P's past life
4)Grew up in a dysfunctional family
5)been sexually abused as a child
6)tons of pictures of P and family all over the house.(with the P in just about every picture)Shrine like
7)P nasty towards others but nice to you (beginning of relationship)
8)sleeps often and complains about never getting enough sleep.
9)P ran away from home when a child.
10) P claims you were a savior in the beginning of your relationship
11) very controlling and will even use an authoritative figures against you to get her way.
12) asks for your opinions but if the p does not like what your opinions are they argue with you.
13) drives like a maniac and gets mad at slow drivers.
14)can cry on the fly and wipe tears within minutes as if it never happened.
15) will never admit they are wrong
16) neat freak
17) P has at least one aquantiance they can rely on who will be there personal "yes" at everything person
18) P claims to do it all and gives you no credit
19) P has to be in the center of attention.
20) says shocking things
21) hides bills
22) opens up your mail but will freak out if you open up the P's mail
23) P wants to know at all times what you are doing
24) P does and goes as they please and gets upset if you ask
25)P gets upset if you are tardy, but P can be tardy due to excuses
26) P has an excuse for everything
27) P will lie even if they don't have to
28) P will keep arguing until they get there way
29) P will call you selfish if they don't get there way
30) P uses it's own child as an attention getter
31) P does not like anyone getting close it's own child
32) P laughs when child demonstrates bad behavior and says something on the lines of (acts just like me in a proud way)
33) P claims to have tons of friends in the beginning but after meeting these so called close friends you get the impression they only like the P because they have to. (relative...work with the P)
34) P talks you into buying stuff (new car) boosting your confidence of what you need.
35) P calls people they just fooled "sucker, idiot or dumba$$" after giving sob story.
36) P Claims to be the best or an expert with everything and will tell everyone.
37) P discards people they consider being close with, who they no longer have a use for
38) never talks about dreams or nightmares (you have witnessed them having a nightmare)
39) P cussing while asleep in a chant fasion.
40)P never says "I'm sorry" taking responsibilty. Instead they quesion if you still love them when they do something mean or hateful
41)P throws away your belongings because it's in the way of the P's collection of stuff.
42)P is infatuated with money so they can control you and others
43) P walks around the house in heavy steps
44) P enters house searching for reasons to get mad and yell at you
45) P invites herself over to others homes but tells you we were invited.
46) you once talked all the time but since you have been with your P you now find yourself listening more vs talking
47)P is more like a boss rather than a loving spouse
48) P never talks about world issues or about others feelings.
49) P never feels sorry for others unless that person has nothing to do with the P's life.
50) when someone else has problems the P will often turn the whole conversation around and talk about her problems instead.
51) P uses sex as a reward system
52) P is very jealous of others when they get attention vs the P
53) no matter how hard you try to please your P it is never good enough
54) P is very jealous but flirts with everyone
55) P brags about all the sexual encounters they had in the past with you and whoever in front of you
56) P has temper tantrums when they dont get there way.
57) P starts fights with everyone who gets in there way
58) P told you they were fired from previous job for either alcohol or drug abuse.
60) P inspects work you do around the house after you finish.
61) you get caught up in the middle of the P's chaos.
62) P gets others to hate one another after the P spread rumors to each
63) P has demonstrated physical abuse or is abusive physically.
64) P will threaten you to get what she wants
65) P will twist your words in front of others to make you feel embarassed.
66) P will tell you lies about what friends and family say, so you stop trusting these close friends, family members.
67) P expects respect from others but does not respect anyone unless they want something in return
68) P claims to try new things but stays within a strict routine.
69) P is more concerned with image vs happiness
70) When P talks with others everything is about her
71) P always complains about you not doing anything but wont remember all the stuff you have done in the past.
72) P down plays your importance in life or your achievments or accomplishments
73) P tells you, you are getting fat as the P tips the scale.
74) If you tell the P you think they were being insensitive towards someone, instead of the P changing or thinking about what they said, the P will instead confront that person trying to embarrass or them for talking about the P
75) P will always claim you are too sensitive
76) P will also say they were only joking and you dont have a sense of humor after they insluted you.
77) P will tell you to keep certain things as secrets, but at the same time the P will tell everyone infront of you.
78) P tells everyone they do it all while putting you down as being lazy. (they do this in a joking way)
79) P claims to be fearless, but is fearful of most things in reality. (Rollercoaster ride) (horseback riding)
80) P gets upset when your friends or family call on the phone and your P has to answer.
81) P screams but expects others to talk calmly after P initiates argument
82) P brags they should of been an actor or an actress/superstar






Top
#1724 - 03/29/06 04:43 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: DetroitMan]
JustAMan Offline
member

Registered: 09/04/04
Posts: 186
In reply to:

"I decided to write out a list of some of the red flags I have seen with my ex. I am wondering if anyone else has seen or dealt with some of the same issues as I."




Hi DetroitMan,

A little background – I’m a good friend and former partner of a woman who was suddenly abandoned by her P husband for another woman almost 2 years ago. She contacted me via email out of the blue at a point when she was feeling very 'down'shortly after her P husband had left the family home. We'd been out of touch for over a decade. Since then we have exchanged several thousand pages of email (We dont live physically close to each other) – during the course of which it became apparent to me that her (now X) husband was abnormal to say the least!

I came to the conclusion after extensive research and questioning her about his character and life history (which she was quite happy - even keen - to supply me) that he is a Psychopath according to the definition devloped by Robert Hare.

This P is in his early fifties now, and it always amazes me when I read posts like yours how much they all have in common – even with the female P you describe.

For the purpose of this exercise I will refer to my friend as W (woman ) and her psychopathic ex husband, as is customary, P.

What I will do is annotate your list….

1) Mirors on the walls (in place of pictures)
No. P had almost no influence on the ‘character’ of their house, which W had filled with pictures. Having visited the house I get no sense of his character from it at all. He is though the sort of guy who cannot pass by a mirror without taking a peek.. and most likely whipping a comb out to put those stray hairs back in place. His favourite possessions are his clothes, shoes, car, haircare products, colognes, CD's and guitar. Everthing needed to present the 'right' imgage...

2) Will not watch romance movies. (prefers horror movies, laughs while watching)
P liked all sorts of movies including romance, horror and comedy, especially comedy and violent war movies. I think he was studying human emotional reactions.

3) Blames everyone for everything which has gone wrong within the P's past life
Yes

4) Grew up in a dysfunctional family
Yes – violent father.

5) been sexually abused as a child
Yes – but, only on Ps evidence. Claims abuse by an employee of his father. W is unsure whether this is real or a pity play.

6) tons of pictures of P and family all over the house.(with the P in just about every picture)Shrine like
Normal amount taken by W. Hardly any of W and kids taken by P – he had to be almost forced into it. P had no interest in taking family photos. When he left, he took no photos of his children with him, which I find highly indicative. When there is a relationship breakdown between normal people and the father is either required or decides to leave the family home, the one thing he always wants is some mementoes of his children – presents they have made for him and photos. P took neither which really upset his children at the time.

7) P nasty towards others but nice to you (beginning of relationship)
Depended largely on their social status. Would be fawning towards those he perceived as his social superiors in order to butter them up, nasty toward those perceived as socil inferiors. He’s a real snob! In the beginning he perceived W as a social superior. Referred to her as ‘aristocratic’

8) sleeps often and complains about never getting enough sleep.
P is hypochondiac and uses any excuse to stay in bed.

9) P ran away from home when a child.
Yes. Only to reappear in the middle of the night making a huge noise, Thus precipitating a violent family argument. Perfect, no?

10) P claims you were a savior in the beginning of your relationship
Yes. P claims W saved him from anxiety attacks ( I have one piece of evidence that these were a phoney pity play) W also saved P from going to court by paying back the money he had embezzled from the company he had just left (been fired from?) when they first met.

11) very controlling and will even use an authoritative figures against you to get her way.
Yes. Ps with a High narcissistic component in their characters tend to be boot lickers.

12) asks for your opinions but if the p does not like what your opinions are they argue with you.
Yes

13) drives like a maniac and gets mad at slow drivers.
Yes. This is highly symptomatic and relevant to a point about Ps fear you make in an item below.
Psychopaths fear response is depressed like all their emotions, and this tends to encourage fast reckless driving. I think it’s the high sensory input – ‘the rush’ which fast driving produces which they enjoy. Normal people also enjoy the rush and enjoy being scared when they know that they are in reality 'safe'. E.g. on a roller coaster. Reckless driving to a normal person is just really scary and not at all enjoyable as we know we could at any minute get killed or injured - the emotional response this produces is very unpleasant. Ps don’t feel this.

4) can cry on the fly and wipe tears within minutes as if it never happened.
No. Has only ever cried twice (as far as I know), and then very briefly. Did not cry at his mothers funeral.

15) will never admit they are wrong
Yes

16) neat freak
Yes – both in personal appearance and in immediate environment. Would scream at children if they made any ‘mess’ would scream at W if cooker top and kitchen work surfaces were not perfect and spotless. WOuld kick the cat because it was 'messy' - a longhair which shed hair on the sofa, which would then get on Ps clothes, which enraged him.

17) P has at least one aquantiance they can rely on who will be there personal "yes" at everything person
Yes. Apart from his new woman he has one male business aquaintance who he appears to have under his thumb and is milking for money.

18) P claims to do it all and gives you no credit
Yes

19) P has to be in the center of attention.
Yes

20) says shocking things
Yes. Several mutual friends noted that P said some crude & lewd things at P and Ws
wedding.

21) hides bills
Ignores bills

22) opens up your mail but will freak out if you open up the P's mail
No info

23) P wants to know at all times what you are doing
Yes, He did. Not so interested now he has a new victim.

24) P does and goes as they please and gets upset if you ask
Yes

25)P gets upset if you are tardy, but P can be tardy due to excuses
Yes – excuses which are often lies.

26) P has an excuse for everything
Yes- excuses which are often lies.

27) P will lie even if they don't have to
Yes! Pathological lying is a weird isn’t it? It took me a long time to understand that one!
Even lies in situations where it is uneccessary AND will cause him problems. A habitual pathological s**t stirrer

28) P will keep arguing until they get there way
Yes

29) P will call you selfish if they don't get there way
Yes

30) P uses it's own child as an attention getter
To an extent he used to when his and W’s first child was involved in a particular sport at a national level. Now he does not.

31) P does not like anyone getting close it's own child
No info. Certainly he gets angry when W’s youngest child wants to skip their fortnightly visitation to be with somebody else.

32) P laughs when child demonstrates bad behavior and says something on the lines of (acts just like me in a proud way)
P couldnt care less so long as the children were not disturbing him… all boundary setting and disipline was left to W

33) P claims to have tons of friends in the beginning but after meeting these so called close friends you get the impression they only like the P because they have to. (relative...work with the P)
No info.

34) P talks you into buying stuff (new car) boosting your confidence of what you need.
P is a shopaholic gadget freek. He’s bought thousands of pounds worth of usless s**t that he didn’t need over the years. After five minutes he gets bored with it and it ends up in the closet or garage never to be seen again. . Expensive new cars he cannot afford a speciality. The repo man is on his ass for the Saab at this very moment!

35) P calls people they just fooled "sucker, idiot or dumba$$" after giving sob story.
Yes

36) P Claims to be the best or an expert with everything and will tell everyone.
Yes

37) P discards people they consider being close with, who they no longer have a use for
Yes

38) never talks about dreams or nightmares (you have witnessed them having a nightmare)
No info

39) P cussing while asleep in a chant fasion.
No info. I don’t think so , this is something W , I’m sure, would have mentioned to me. Shes’s layed out everything which is out of the ordinary.

40) P never says "I'm sorry" taking responsibilty. Instead they quesion if you still love them
when they do something mean or hateful
Yes!

41)P throws away your belongings because it's in the way of the P's collection of stuff.
No info.

42)P is infatuated with money so they can control you and others
Yes. Preferably somebody elses money which he doesn't have to work for! A 'loan' or an 'investment'

43) P walks around the house in heavy steps
No info

44) P enters house searching for reasons to get mad and yell at you
This was true a while ago. I persuaded W not to let him in to stop this happening. He’s not allowed beyond the front step now and if he starts to rant gets the door shut in his face. When he comes to collect his daughter, he rings then gets back in the car. Initially he would ring, come in the house and then engage W in conversation which would often degenerate into an argument.

45) P invites herself over to others homes but tells you we were invited.
No info

46) you once talked all the time but since you have been with your P you now find yourself listening more vs talking
During the last few years of their relationship, W was starting to break the spell and argue back. This does appear to have been the case in earlier years- W was intimdated and dominated by P

47)P is more like a boss rather than a loving spouse
Yes – and towards children who were afraid of him. They are no longer afraid of him. Mainly just angry with him. Youngest now has a love-hate relationship with her father. I think it will break completely over the next year or so as she comes to the realisation that P will never change, will never be the ‘good daddy’ she wants him to be. Her brother has already come to this conclusion and has broken off all contact with his father.

48) P never talks about world issues or about others feelings.
Yes

49) P never feels sorry for others unless that person has nothing to do with the P's life.
Doesn’t feel sorry for the misfortunes of others full stop.

50) when someone else has problems the P will often turn the whole conversation around and talk about her problems instead.
Yes

51) P uses sex as a reward system
As an expression of his ‘love’ - subtext in a womans head ‘ If he wants me this much he must love me’ Most women seem to get sexual response and emotions mixed up. A situation which Ps exploit.

52) P is very jealous of others when they get attention vs the P
Yes. Would storm out of parties if this got too much for him.

53) no matter how hard you try to please your P it is never good enough
yes

54) P is very jealous but flirts with everyone
Yes

55) P brags about all the sexual encounters they had in the past with you and whoever in front of you
Yes. The first time this happened to W she said she couldn’t bare it and ran out of the restaurant they were in.

56) P has temper tantrums when they dont get there way.
YES. The essence of the P. Toddler tantrum which they’ve never grown out of. The normal process of socialisation which occurs in young children does not ‘take’ in a P as the required emotional resonses for it to latch onto do not exist.

57) P starts fights with everyone who gets in there way
Not always. P just avoids a lot of people. Especially those who have him ‘sussed’

58) P told you they were fired from previous job for either alcohol or drug abuse.
P WAS fired form job just before W met him for fraudulent expenses claims / credit card fraud.

60) P inspects work you do around the house after you finish.
Yes

61) you get caught up in the middle of the P's chaos.
Yes. All Ps are tar babies. Done deliberately (instinctively?) to keep you in a highly arroused, highly strung, worn out, worn down and MANIPULABLE emotional state.

62) P gets others to hate one another after the P spread rumors to each
Yes

63) P has demonstrated physical abuse or is abusive physically.
Only once. P is slim and not tall. He hit W once, then she knocked him down! He never tried it again. She’s very muscular for a woman. His abuse was almost entirely emotional / verbal.

64) P will threaten you to get what she wants
Yes

65) P will twist your words in front of others to make you feel embarassed.
Yes

66) P will tell you lies about what friends and family say, so you stop trusting these close friends, family members.
Yes P temporarily turned W against her own sister – who she had been close with. W figured out what P had done after he left her and is now reconciled with her sister.

67) P expects respect from others but does not respect anyone unless they want something in return
P is a snob

68) P claims to try new things but stays within a strict routine.
P has a core set of interests, but no routine. He will abandon a project unexpectedly and start something else. His life is a huge list of temporary short term enthusiasms and unfinished work and projects.

69) P is more concerned with image vs happiness
Very concerned with image Ive no idea about what his internal emotional states ‘feel’ like. I suspect that psychopaths are not capable of experiencing what you and I would label ‘happiness’ I think what they mainly feel is a sort of low level dissatisfaction and anxiety.

70) When P talks with others everything is about her
P thy name is egotist. Of course. The P is the centere of its own universe in a way that normal mature adults realise they are not. Q: “How many Ps does it take to change a light bulb?” A: One. The P just holds up the bulb and waits for the universe to revolve around it.

71) P always complains about you not doing anything but wont remember all the stuff you have done in the past.
Yes. Ps have defective memory as normal memory relies on emotional tagging which they lack. We remebr stuff which is important to use because the important stuff gets a large emotional tag. As everything 'feels' equally important the P finds it difficult to remember anything... Like trying to remember the layout of a group of objects where the only difference is a subtle variation of grey. Ths stuff it does remember usually relates to short term personal gain.

72) P down plays your importance in life or your achievments or accomplishments
Yes . All part of the domination game

73) P tells you, you are getting fat as the P tips the scale.
Yes

74) If you tell the P you think they were being insensitive towards someone, instead of the P changing or thinking about what they said, the P will instead confront that person trying to embarrass or them for talking about the P
Yes. Ps always wan control over the channels of communication around ‘their’ people, who they see as possessions.

75) P will always claim you are too sensitive
Yes

76) P will also say they were only joking and you dont have a sense of humor after they insluted you.
Yes

77) P will tell you to keep certain things as secrets, but at the same time the P will tell everyone in front of you.
Yes

78) P tells everyone they do it all while putting you down as being lazy. (they do this in a joking way)
Yes

79) P claims to be fearless, but is fearful of most things in reality. (Rollercoaster ride) (horseback riding)
If you think about it, this is not consistent with the ‘crazy driving’ commonly exhibited by Ps. The fear emotion in Ps is as depressed as all others. Ps are in reality pretty fearless. The ‘fearful’ behaviour is, I think, a con.

80) P gets upset when your friends or family call on the phone and your P has to answer.
Yes

81) P screams but expects others to talk calmly after P initiates argument
Yes

82) P brags they should of been an actor or an actress/superstar
Yes. P has always seen himself as a rock and roll star, specifically, John Lennon. He plays the guitar and occasionally gets it together enough to give public performances in small venues. More recently I think he sees himself as Phil Spector. A pure fantasy as although he bought lots of recording kit he never produced anything.

Top
#1725 - 03/29/06 08:46 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: JustAMan]
DetroitMan Offline
member

Registered: 03/28/06
Posts: 45
Thank you for the reply Justaman, during my entire marriage I was very confused while being giving, always reasoning and making excuses for my P. I often tried to ignore her behavior for my sanity. I thought if I could lead by example her behavior would improve but as our relationship grew each day, each day became more and more of a mad frenzy.

I found your feedback very interesting

"5) been sexually abused as a child
Yes – but, only on Ps evidence. Claims abuse by an employee of his father. W is unsure whether this is real or a pity play."


My P told me her family never believed her when she told them about her brother sexually abusing her, and I too wondered if this was just made up for me to feel sorry for her. I never heard any of her family members mention of this abuse. I have no solid proof other than what she told me, which wasn't much.

"13) drives like a maniac and gets mad at slow drivers.
Yes. This is highly symptomatic and relevant to a point about Ps fear you make in an item below.
Psychopaths fear response is depressed like all their emotions, and this tends to encourage fast reckless driving. I think it’s the high sensory input – ‘the rush’ which fast driving produces which they enjoy. Normal people also enjoy the rush and enjoy being scared when they ‘know’ that they are in reality safe. E.g. on a roller coaster. Reckless driving to a normal person is just really scary as we know we could get killed or injured - the emotional response this produces is very unpleasant. Ps don’t feel this."


and

"79) P claims to be fearless, but is fearful of most things in reality. (Rollercoaster ride) (horseback riding)
If you think about it, this is not consistent with the ‘crazy driving’ commonly exhibited by Ps. The fear emotion in Ps is as depressed as all others. Ps are in reality pretty fearless. The ‘fearful’ behaviour is, I think, a con."


wow...you nailed it. This never made any sense to me until I read your post. My ex (P) would be fearless when confronting a sales clerk while she would tell that salesman off while getting something for free because of her "out of control" behavior. (which I could never do, and after each time she would do this I would conclude afterwards she was crazy!!!) But my ex P is afraid of something like a rollercoaster ride (which is perfectly safe but is a thrill for the norm)
P would also tell me stories of her fearless past in the form of a superman tale. Knowing how fearless she was with most things, I believed her. But at times, I would find her stories contradicting from the real truth the more I got to know her.

34) P talks you into buying stuff (new car) boosting your confidence of what you need.
P is a shopaholic gadget freek. He’s bought thousands of pounds worth of usless s**t that he didn’t need over the years. After five minutes he gets bored with it and it ends up in the closet or garage never to be seen again. . Expensive new cars he cannot afford a speciality. The repo man is on his ass for the Saab at this very moment!


my ex P would buy stuff out of the blue and I would find it in the trash the next day or within a few weeks. She would go back out just to buy something new to replace the item she just bought and threw away. Half of her clothes still had tags on them.

After our child was born she told me not to buy clothing for our child because of the bills I owed (credit) status. She would than complain to people within my family that I never bought clothing for our child. After talking to my family members, they would tell me that my P was complaining about me, she would tell them that I never buy clothing for our child that I didn't care about our child like her. So I would than buy clothing for our child which is what I wanted to do from the get go. This clothing I would buy would disapear. My guess is that she threw this clothing away in the trash.

7) P nasty towards others but nice to you (beginning of relationship)
Depended largely on their social status. Would be fawning towards those he perceived as his social superiors in order to butter them up, nasty toward those perceived as socil inferiors. He’s a real snob! In the beginning he perceived W as a social superior. Referred to her as ‘aristocratic’


sorry about that, she was nasty towards the people (her family) she considered being close to at that time. And very nice to me. She was also very nice to my family at first.

16) neat freak
Yes – both in personal appearance and in immediate environment. Would scream at children if they made any ‘mess’ would scream at W if cooker top and kitchen work surfaces were not perfect and spotless. WOuld kick the cat because it was 'messy' - a longhair which shed hair on the sofa, which would then get on Ps clothes, which enraged him.


We owned a dog at one point. She appeared to love this dog until she became pregnant. After she got pregnant she came up with more reasons why we should get rid of the dog as each day grew. to the point where she put the dog in the classify's to any free home. The Dog hair drove her nuts. She also kicked our dog often.

A habitual pathological s**t stirrer

exactly!!!!

46) you once talked all the time but since you have been with your P you now find yourself listening more vs talking
During the last few years of their relationship, W was starting to break the spell and argue back. This does appear to have been the case in earlier years- W was intimdated and dominated by P


I did the same thing. I listened until I heard enough. I too was argueing back with my ex (P) for the last few months of our marriage and thought I was getting somewhere until she discarded me for someone new.




Top
Page 13 of 26 < 1 2 ... 11 12 13 14 15 ... 25 26 >

Moderator:  Dianne E.