Page 14 of 26 < 1 2 ... 12 13 14 15 16 ... 25 26 >
Topic Options
#1726 - 03/29/06 10:14 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: DetroitMan]
sylvie25 Offline
member

Registered: 08/13/04
Posts: 325
So much of your list is bang on Detroitman that it's startling. In fact, oddly enough, some of them apply to Ps Mum too. Or maybe it's not so odd...

73) .... as the P tips the scale.
LOL. Hilarious, especially because it's SO true.

P-ex tried to create the impression that I had an eating disorder (bulimia or something)probably to mess with my mind. Even suggested someone else asked that which was baloney. I don't, just have a fast metabolism. P was the one with an eating disorder, one called gluttony. If I baked a pie or something that P liked, he would wolf down the whole thing until he felt sick. Every time, lol.

Too bad we can't send all Ps on a slow boat to nowhere.

Sylvie


Edited by sylvie25 (03/29/06 10:23 AM)

Top
#1727 - 03/29/06 10:36 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: JustAMan]
Diane1969 Offline
member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 147
Oh, I have to add my own to this list

1) Mirors on the walls (in place of pictures)
yes. Lots of mirrors in almost every room.

2) Will not watch romance movies. (prefers horror movies, laughs while watching)
Only watched romance movies when he wanted to use them in his mind games. He would have me watch movies with him where he would cry his little quiet tears for me to witness. It was always used to illustrate some point I was discussing with him that was lacking in our relationship, something I needed from him, and the setup of watching the movie was always completely contrived, and something he had no intention of giving me. It was all so that I would pity him. He knew those kinds of movies made me cry because of what was lacking in our relationship.

One of his ex-girlfriends that I have become friends with tells me that when she and he were dating he always loved to watch movies with extreme violence towards women and would make her sit through them with him. He knew she had a violent childhood and those movies horrified her.

His favorite movies are anal sex porn. I found over two hundred of them in his house.

3) Blames everyone for everything which has gone wrong within the P's past life
Yes - and present life too.

4) Grew up in a dysfunctional family
Yes – violent psychopathic father, and alcoholic mother. There is some indication that his father murdered his mother when he was 12 - and got away with it.

5) been sexually abused as a child
Yes – but, only on Ps say so... Used for coercive purposes with me. Claims he was sexually abused by his mother, but his stories here were always clipped, shallow, and without any details at all. I believe this was a lie.

6) tons of pictures of P and family all over the house.(with the P in just about every picture)Shrine like
Yes. But only of one brother who is his main supporter. Tons of pictures of him with me and other women that he keeps as trophies, but these are all stuffed in a drawer.

7) P nasty towards others but nice to you (beginning of relationship)
Yes. Agree here totally, except that he was also nice to anyone in his social circle - to their face - but always salting the earth behind their backs. I found out just before I broke up with him that he was also doing this to me and had been since we first met. P's are totally two faced.

8) sleeps often and complains about never getting enough sleep.
Yes. Total hypochondriac and always popping tons of vitamins and running off to the doctor.

9) P ran away from home when a child.
No.

10) P claims you were a savior in the beginning of your relationship
No. But he did make claims of being soul mates.

11) very controlling and will even use an authoritative figures against you to get her way.
Yes.

12) asks for your opinions but if the p does not like what your opinions are they argue with you.
Yes and no. He would ask my opinion but only to get enough information to manipulate me. My opinions meant nothing to him and he never argued points, except to tell me how he wanted me to answer his questions. (I'm not kidding!)

13) drives like a maniac and gets mad at slow drivers.
No.

4) can cry on the fly and wipe tears within minutes as if it never happened.
Oh, yes. Those crocodile tears were so fake and short lived, and he always was watching for my reaction out of the corner of his eye. When I didn't respond, he'd just turn them off as though they never happened.

15) will never admit they are wrong
Yes. Absolutely.

16) neat freak
Yes – both in personal appearance and in immediate environment.

17) P has at least one aquantiance they can rely on who will be there personal "yes" at everything person
Yes. He has his Renfield who worships him. Of course he uses him to make money and talks about him like he is a total train wreck behind his back.

18) P claims to do it all and gives you no credit
Yes. He even took credit for things I accomplished and told me he did them. Totally delusional and not capable of giving anyone else their due.

19) P has to be in the center of attention.
Yes. Always.

20) says shocking things
Yes. Always saying things that were shocking and totally inappropriate. He often misjudged the people he was with and often these seemed to be geared towards ingratiating himself with someone new - but he totally misjudged. When he was with people he knew well, he never made these kinds of mistakes. Sometimes he said shocking things to purposefully embarrass "friends" at social gatherings and had a very mean sense of humor. He never got embarassed at these things, but just went on as though nothing had happened. Sometimes the things he would say were total conversation stoppers and everyone would just sit there shocked and embarassed, but not him. I just don't think he understands the whole concept of embarassemnt.

21) hides bills
no. He never had access to my bills.

22) opens up your mail but will freak out if you open up the P's mail
no... I never gave him access to my mail.

23) P wants to know at all times what you are doing
Yes. Called several times every day to check in and keep tabs. He would also drive by my house daily to see if I was home or out. He questioned my housekeeper about my activities and whether I was having friends over or not. After our break up he stalked me for months, including sneaking around my house in the middle of the night.

24) P does and goes as they please and gets upset if you ask
Yes.

25)P gets upset if you are tardy, but P can be tardy due to excuses
No.

26) P has an excuse for everything
Yes- excuses which are always lies.

27) P will lie even if they don't have to
Yes! All the time. He would tell conflicting and mutually exclusive stories and when confronted would claim they were both true or that he never said anything of the sort.

28) P will keep arguing until they get there way
No. He would withdraw and isolate if he didn't get his way, not pick up phone calls or return calls and sometimes just disappear.

29) P will call you selfish if they don't get there way
Not exactly, but he would start questioning me in a really gentle way that would get me turned inward and manipulate my emotions until somehow he always got his way. But then again, he knew me well enough to know I would never fall for that line of reasoning and that I know I am not a selfish person.

30) P uses it's own child as an attention getter
He has no children.

31) P does not like anyone getting close it's own child
N/A

32) P laughs when child demonstrates bad behavior and says something on the lines of (acts just like me in a proud way)
No children. But he did this with mine. When my youngest was having some behavioral issues and being angry and unruly (normal temper tantrums for his age, btw), he told me that the child scared him (at 4) because he reminded him of himself when he was little. When I questioned him about this he admitted that he often had extreme rage problems as a child and would completely destroy his room over and over again. He later told me that he thought my son had no core. He was talking about himself. This is interesting. I got this child into counseling at 8, and he was diagnosed as having PTSD from a couple of traumatic events that we had gone through in the recent past. When I relayed this information to the P, he said, "Well, I am no child psychology expert." When his behavior improved tremendously from ptsd treatment and lots of structuring that I provided for him, the P tried to take credit for it.

33) P claims to have tons of friends in the beginning but after meeting these so called close friends you get the impression they only like the P because they have to. (relative...work with the P)
Yes. Supposedly had tons of friends, but after meeting all these friends, I discover he really only had two, me and one guy who is his total yes-man.

34) P talks you into buying stuff (new car) boosting your confidence of what you need.
Yes. P was always taking me shopping and encouraging me to buy stuff. My ex-P is also shopaholic gadget freek. And he also, rapidly gets bored with it and it ends up in the closet. He also liked expensive cars but he is cheap. He buys late model used cars - and owns two jaguars. He lives above his means and has gone through his inheritance in short order, which is now gone. He also is enamored of kitche stuff. He loves gold paint, gold trim. His home when I met him looked like a bordello. I did talk him into toning it down.

35) P calls people they just fooled "sucker, idiot or dumba$$" after giving sob story.
Not quite. His game is more covert and emotional. He does act like he is enthralled with people and then howls with laughter at them afterwards. He is very mean spirited. He suckers people into trusting him so he can tear them down behind their back, and he purposefully grooms mentally ill or emotionally vulnerable people to do this with.

36) P Claims to be the best or an expert with everything and will tell everyone.
Yes

37) P discards people they consider being close with, who they no longer have a use for
Yes. My ex P uses everyone, and discards them in the most emotionally devastating way possible.

38) never talks about dreams or nightmares (you have witnessed them having a nightmare)
Never saw him have a nightmare.

39) P cussing while asleep in a chant fasion.
No.

40) P never says "I'm sorry" taking responsibilty. Instead they quesion if you still love them
when they do something mean or hateful
Yes. P always claimed that he was trying to be nice to me when he did something particularly devastating or hateful, or he denied it happened at all, or he claimed it was just a joke and he doesn't understand why I responded the way I did. He always denied he had any responsibility for my feelings at all.

41)P throws away your belongings because it's in the way of the P's collection of stuff.
He stole my things.

42)P is infatuated with money so they can control you and others
Yes. "Preferably somebody elses money which he doesn't have to work for!" Oh, yes! And he would never lend a dime to anyone. One of his games is grooming the elderly so that they will leave him in charge of their money if they become incapacitated or die. He doesn't always get direct control of their money, but he has garnered a pretty nice position in the college he works for by talking an elderly man into leaving his money in a fund for the college that he has had control of since the man's death. He joined a group that is similar to the masonic temple, but much less well known, because it gives him constant access to a fairly wealthy group of very elderly people, and he is now the leader of that group - in less than a year.

43) P walks around the house in heavy steps
No. He is as quiet as a mouse.

44) P enters house searching for reasons to get mad and yell at you
No. He's phobic around most direct confrontation.

45) P invites herself over to others homes but tells you we were invited.
No.

46) you once talked all the time but since you have been with your P you now find yourself listening more vs talking
no.

47)P is more like a boss rather than a loving spouse
Yes and no – total control freak but phobic around confrontations.

48) P never talks about world issues or about others feelings.
Yes. Very shallow understanding of world issues and events.

49) P never feels sorry for others unless that person has nothing to do with the P's life.
Doesn’t feel sorry for the misfortunes of others ever, but takes extreme pleasure in the misfortunes of others - but never to their face.

50) when someone else has problems the P will often turn the whole conversation around and talk about her problems instead.
No. P mined people's problems for ways to control them.

51) P uses sex as a reward system
no. P was oversexed and would have sex at any time at the drop of a pin with anyone, and would never turn down the offer of sex for any reason. But he would become verbally abusive and controlling during sex if he was upset with you.

52) P is very jealous of others when they get attention vs the P
Yes. This is the only time I ever saw him confront others, but he always did it in a weasely way by putting the other person down in a very cruel and cold way. I didn't see this often because the P usually arranged his life so that only people that would give him center stage was part of his life. He broke up the relationship that his yes man friend was in because she competed with him for this guy's attention.

53) no matter how hard you try to please your P it is never good enough
yes and no... it would please him but he never remembered. You couldn't ever bank goodwill with him, and nothing meant anything foundational. You could lay down you life for him and he'd say, "Yes, but what have you done for me lately?"

54) P is very jealous but flirts with everyone
Yes

55) P brags about all the sexual encounters they had in the past with you and whoever in front of you
Yes and no. He talked with everyone about me and our sex life, but I only found out about it after the fact. Only one time did he talk about our sex life in front of others and that was to embarass me.

56) P has temper tantrums when they dont get there way.
No. He would isolate and withdraw if he didn't get his way.

57) P starts fights with everyone who gets in there way
No. But he does what he can behind the scenes to sabotage anyone that stands in his way.

58) P told you they were fired from previous job for either alcohol or drug abuse.
No. My ex-P does not do drugs and only drinks socially.

60) P inspects work you do around the house after you finish.
N/A. We never lived together. BUT he would come in my house and check to see if my refrigerator was clean, and he would complain if things were out of order, and become verbally abusive in a back handed and snide way. I absolutely hated this and for this reason I limited severely the amount of time I allowed him in my home.

61) you get caught up in the middle of the P's chaos.
No. My ex-P is very compartmentalized and controlled. There seemed to be NO chaos in his life, but always in everyone's lives around him.

62) P gets others to hate one another after the P spread rumors to each
Yes. All the time. He was always salting the earth for everyone. His social get-togethers were always very strained for everyone there except him. He enjoyed it.

63) P has demonstrated physical abuse or is abusive physically.
Yes. But only towards my children. With me his abuse was almost entirely emotional / verbal.

64) P will threaten you to get what she wants
No. He never threatened me. He manipulated to get what he wanted.

65) P will twist your words in front of others to make you feel embarassed.
Yes. All the time, and he would do it in a mock-hurt/accusatory way.

66) P will tell you lies about what friends and family say, so you stop trusting these close friends, family members.
Yes. P lies all the time, and is always stirring up stuff so he can sit back and watch. He always mixed up partial truths in his lies so they were that much harder to confront.

67) P expects respect from others but does not respect anyone unless they want something in return
Yes. He respects no one but he is a total suck up, until he finds out he doesn't need you for some use.

68) P claims to try new things but stays within a strict routine.
Yes. He is compulsive about everything he does, and had huge anxiety attacks when anything new was introduce that he didn't have complete control over.

69) P is more concerned with image vs happiness
Image was everything. My ex-P had no substance, no emotional common sense. Image was all he was capable of.

70) When P talks with others everything is about her
Yes and no. In the beginning everything was about me. He only talked about me. Later it was only about him. I've seen this with others also, when he is grooming them. He is very good at it.

71) P always complains about you not doing anything but wont remember all the stuff you have done in the past.
Yes. Anything that they do remember that you did, they take credit for it.

72) P down plays your importance in life or your achievments or accomplishments
Yes. Totally. I got the feeling after so much of this that I didn't exist for him as a real person, so how could I accomplish anything apart from him? Anything that was solid and real and undeniable, he took credit for either because he showed me how, or he said he was the one who did it. My areas of expertise he always argued about that he knew more than I do. I am highly educated in the scientific field, and business, and I've run my own company very successfully for years. He has a social work degree (which he lied to me and told me was an Applied Clinical Psychology degree, btw). He was always trying to tell how to run my business with half-cocked and far-fetched ideas. Any time I tried to tell him why those things would be bad for my business or for my future outlook, or for my client relationships, or for my employees, he would get very upset and accuse me of not being able to "partner" with him. Gah!

73) P tells you, you are getting fat as the P tips the scale.
Yes. Sort of... he would do things like this, like take you out for a waffle breakfast and then complain about your weight. Most of the time he was slicker than this because I always confronted it then and there, or I'd turn it back to him, like saying, "Yes, I guess we BOTH need to join a gym." Then I'd suggest we do that together. It wasn't in his routine, so he would drop that line like a hot potato.

74) If you tell the P you think they were being insensitive towards someone, instead of the P changing or thinking about what they said, the P will instead confront that person trying to embarrass or them for talking about the P
No. P was phobic for direct conflict. But he would go on the warpath with a smear campaign behind the scenes. My ex-P is a real weasel.

75) P will always claim you are too sensitive
Yes. Or delusional.

76) P will also say they were only joking and you dont have a sense of humor after they insulted you.
Yes. Always.

77) P will tell you to keep certain things as secrets, but at the same time the P will tell everyone in front of you.
Yes. And he expected me to keep all his secrets while he forced me to live my life "in the window." He shared all my confidences and secrets with everyone without my foreknowledge or permission. When I shared something unimportant of his with his closest friend in front of him he acted totally shocked and he punished me for weeks for it.

78) P tells everyone they do it all while putting you down as being lazy. (they do this in a joking way)
Yes amongst other things. I felt I was always having to prove something to him. What a waste of energy.

79) P claims to be fearless, but is fearful of most things in reality. (Rollercoaster ride) (horseback riding)
Yes. But his was with social situations. He seemed fearless when he was on the hunt and grooming someone, but he was always afraid that these "new" people would get out of his control, and he would obsess about it in very weird ways. Even with his known paper dolls, if they did something he didn't understand he would always assume the worst, that he had been betrayed by them, and he would obsess about it with me. Once I pointed out the other alternatives, he would calm down. He could never just come out and ask the person what was going on. The funny thing is he could point out this kind of behavior in others as manipulative and dysfunctional but he could never see it in himself.

80) P gets upset when your friends or family call on the phone and your P has to answer.
N/A. He never answered my phone.

81) P screams but expects others to talk calmly after P initiates argument
No. But he would get very upset if I used an emphatic or frustrated tone of voice, as he always misinterpreted that as yelling at him.

82) P brags they should of been an actor or an actress/superstar
No.

Diane1969

Top
#1728 - 03/31/06 01:33 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: Diane1969]
Vanessa715 Offline
member

Registered: 02/15/06
Posts: 64
i still have to compose my list of red flags (thank u all so much for all of urs...so mny of them hit so close to home)...

but something i had not paid much attention to came to mind the other day and i wanted to share it with u...

i remembered that one day when my P and I were still together...we were laying in bed watching GOOD WILL HUNTING...and i dont know if u've seen it but there is the part where the psychiatrist is talking to Will and telling him that the abuse that he experienced as a child was not his fault and he keeps repeating that until Will breaks down crying and its all emotional and everything...

so...I start crying during this part of the movie (I was also pregnant so i cried at everything...lol)

but anyway...point is...he turns to me and says "u never experienced abuse or anything like that...so why does seeing that affect u that way...why does it upset u"...and i...not taking special note of that at all...said 'because i understand how it must have felt...

and its only now..just the other day that i remembered that...and realized...he told me everything in that one question...

he cld not comprehend how i could empathize..because he cannot...

interesting...

just wanted to share!

Vanessa

Top
#1729 - 06/27/06 12:19 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Vanessa715]
Nan Offline
member

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
Hi All,



I have been thinking! I have made, a by no means, exhaustive list of things that were odd about the P I knew.

Does any of this sound familiar?



Nan



1. Had a thing about toilets and toilet seats. They have to be cleaner than clean

2. Flushed before and after

3. Got up immediately after sex to go and wash.

4. Didn’t like handling flowers. Didn’t want plants in the house

5. Wouldn’t have anything to do with babies. If I handled a baby or a very young child, he refused to touch me till I had a bath.

6. Made his wife give their newborn child away. She complied!

7. Didn’t know how to cuddle or touch affectionately. Said that he had never done this or had it done to him.

8. Thought the military has the right approach about discipline.

9. Demanded absolute loyalty.

10. Was very dominant. Demanded sexual submission

11. Demanded logic explanations for complaints about his behaviour. Yet, no matter how logically an argument was expressed, he refused my logic. Turned the tables – it was entirety my fault.

12. Abhorred emotional outbursts from others.

13. Spoke of himself in the third person. “ The XXXX has to work.”

14. When gainsaid he could become very erratic; like a young child. Would glower and act inappropriately.

15. Could also turn threatening when gainsaid. Would get the hard look and do he piercing eyes bit.

16. Never remembered his outbursts. Or refused having had them when I mentioned it.

17. Would unexpectedly say very hurtful things:

18. Confessed to loving animals, especially cats. Has two cats. In a rage, he left the front door open and my indoor cat ran out. When I stopped paying attention to his fit, “ because I have to get the cat inside”, he said, “ F*&£ the stupid cat!”

19. Became so angry and erratic once when I refused agreement that he said that he would leave right now. He ran around like a demented person getting his things together and I just let him do it. I just sat still – said or did nothing to stop him from leaving. He must have sensed that his blackmail didn’t work, for he soon calmed down.

20. Said that he worked for several Intelligence Agencies. Backed his assertions up with long, incredible stories.

Top
#1730 - 06/27/06 12:22 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: sylvie25]
Nan Offline
member

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
1. Had a thing about toilets and toilet seats. They have to be cleaner than clean



P was fastidious in the bathroom, it was spotless. The rest of his apartment was usually a disaster area.



4. Didn’t like handling flowers. Didn’t want plants in the house



P loved plants (had been a landscaper in his early years).



6. Made his wife give their newborn child away. She complied!



Eeek! That must have been a red flag for you! P had three kids, though I never saw him with an infant.



7. Didn’t know how to cuddle or touch affectionately. Said that he had never done this or had it done to him.



P was affectionate at the beginning (mirroring my needs). After that I either got bear hugs that nearly crushed me, or not very much at all unless sex was involved.



9. Demanded absolute loyalty.



Ditto, but there was a complete double standard - he could be completely disloyal and it was supposed to be no big deal.



10. Was very dominant. Demanded sexual submission



True, also. Wanted me to do things I was uncomfortable with. He was good in this area, but often very selfish.



11. Demanded logic explanations for complaints about his behaviour. Yet, no matter how logically an argument was expressed, he refused my logic. Turned the tables – it was entirety my fault.



P overwhelmed me when he had an opinion, he wouldn't allow me to express myself. And everything eventually became my fault. And I was called every nasty female name he could think of (slut, whore, etc - when he was the promiscuous one who had betrayed me).



12. Abhorred emotional outbursts from others.



He loved emotional outbursts from others. It made him feel alive (and I think loved) when someone was screaming at him. I think his wife had taken over where his mother had left off.



14. When gainsaid he could become very erratic; like a young child. Would glower and act inappropriately.



P was often erratic and emotionally immature in his responses.



15. Could also turn threatening when gainsaid. Would get the hard look and do he piercing eyes bit.



Saw this a few times, though rarely directed at me.



16. Never remembered his outbursts. Or refused having had them when I mentioned it.



So true. Didn't know if he was faking or had actual "episodes" of some sort.



17. Would unexpectedly say very hurtful things:



Often - and would be surprised that I would be so upset.



19. Became so angry and erratic once when I refused agreement that he said that he would leave right now.



That happened several times. Though he always panicked when I wouldn't return his calls after these episodes, and he would pursue me relentlessly (email, phone calls, stalking) until I gave in.



20. Said that he worked for several Intelligence Agencies. Backed his assertions up with long, incredible stories.



Had lots of great stories and dropped names all the time. Then I realized he started incorporating some of my stories into his life when he talked to others. I'm not sure if he knew what was real after awhile.



P.S. I don't know how to do spell checking from here, but you seem to do quite well...

Top
#1731 - 06/27/06 12:30 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Nan]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
From lynnie

Thought it might be interesting to continue the comparison, so I've copied Lynnie's reply but marked her responses with a ** and mine with a ##:

1. Had a thing about toilets and toilet seats. They have to be cleaner than clean

** P was fastidious in the bathroom, it was spotless. The rest of his apartment was usually a disaster area.
##Don't remember anything about toilets but although a complete slob in other areas, P was very fastidious about food hygiene and would not eat at some people's houses.

4. Didn’t like handling flowers. Didn’t want plants in the house

**P loved plants (had been a landscaper in his early years).
##P was pretty indifferent either way on flowers

6. Made his wife give their newborn child away. She complied!

**Eeek! That must have been a red flag for you! P had three kids, though I never saw him with an infant.
##Our first serious fight was when he insisted that if I fell pregnant I would have to have an abortion. He was absolutely adamant about it.

7. Didn’t know how to cuddle or touch affectionately. Said that he had never done this or had it done to him.

**P was affectionate at the beginning (mirroring my needs). After that I either got bear hugs that nearly crushed me, or not very much at all unless sex was involved.
##P was very uncomfortable with me showing any affection or trying to hug him.

9. Demanded absolute loyalty.

**Ditto, but there was a complete double standard - he could be completely disloyal and it was supposed to be no big deal.
##My answer would be exactly the same as Lynnie's

10. Was very dominant. Demanded sexual submission
**True, also. Wanted me to do things I was uncomfortable with. He was good in this area, but often very selfish.
##Very dominant in all areas

11. Demanded logic explanations for complaints about his behaviour. Yet, no matter how logically an argument was expressed, he refused my logic. Turned the tables – it was entirety my fault.
**P overwhelmed me when he had an opinion, he wouldn't allow me to express myself. And everything eventually became my fault. And I was called every nasty female name he could think of (slut, whore, etc - when he was the promiscuous one who had betrayed me).
##P would either pretend extreme contrition - and go off and do the same thing again and again - or confuse me with a stream of pseudo logic, lies and of course any number of reasons why it was my fault.

12. Abhorred emotional outbursts from others.
**He loved emotional outbursts from others. It made him feel alive (and I think loved) when someone was screaming at him. I think his wife had taken over where his mother had left off.
##Mine also seemed to thrive on scenes and dramas

14. When gainsaid he could become very erratic; like a young child. Would glower and act inappropriately.

**P was often erratic and emotionally immature in his responses.
##Yes, very childish responses.

15. Could also turn threatening when gainsaid. Would get the hard look and do he piercing eyes bit.
**Saw this a few times, though rarely directed at me.
##Very threatening, and often violent. To the point where it was easier to just let things pass and not say anything.

16. Never remembered his outbursts. Or refused having had them when I mentioned it.
**So true. Didn't know if he was faking or had actual "episodes" of some sort.
##Mine was a heavy drinker, and we always attributed this kind of memory loss to drink. But maybe it wasn't the drink?

17. Would unexpectedly say very hurtful things:
**Often - and would be surprised that I would be so upset.
##Yes, and likewise could not see that what he had said was hurtful in any way.

19. Became so angry and erratic once when I refused agreement that he said that he would leave right now.
**That happened several times. Though he always panicked when I wouldn't return his calls after these episodes, and he would pursue me relentlessly (email, phone calls, stalking) until I gave in.
##Would never leave himself, but would rather tend to tell me to get out. Or do the pretend suicide thing and, I suspect, enjoy every moment of me trying to stop him.

20. Said that he worked for several Intelligence Agencies. Backed his assertions up with long, incredible stories.
**Had lots of great stories and dropped names all the time. Then I realized he started incorporating some of my stories into his life when he talked to others. I'm not sure if he knew what was real after awhile.
##Had loads of great stories, and said he had done all sorts of things in the army, - some of which I found later had happened to somebody else. And would incorporate stories which I'd heard other people tell him into his own for the benefit of the next listener. I don't think he had any idea of what was and wasn't real.

Top
#1732 - 06/27/06 12:42 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: sylvie25]
Nan Offline
member

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
Thought it might be interesting to continue the comparison, so I've copied Lynnie's reply but marked her responses with a ** and mine with a ##:

1. Had a thing about toilets and toilet seats. They have to be cleaner than clean

** P was fastidious in the bathroom, it was spotless. The rest of his apartment was usually a disaster area.
##Don't remember anything about toilets but although a complete slob in other areas, P was very fastidious about food hygiene and would not eat at some people's houses.

4. Didn’t like handling flowers. Didn’t want plants in the house

**P loved plants (had been a landscaper in his early years).
##P was pretty indifferent either way on flowers

6. Made his wife give their newborn child away. She complied!

**Eeek! That must have been a red flag for you! P had three kids, though I never saw him with an infant.
##Our first serious fight was when he insisted that if I fell pregnant I would have to have an abortion. He was absolutely adamant about it.

7. Didn’t know how to cuddle or touch affectionately. Said that he had never done this or had it done to him.

**P was affectionate at the beginning (mirroring my needs). After that I either got bear hugs that nearly crushed me, or not very much at all unless sex was involved.
##P was very uncomfortable with me showing any affection or trying to hug him.

9. Demanded absolute loyalty.

**Ditto, but there was a complete double standard - he could be completely disloyal and it was supposed to be no big deal.
##My answer would be exactly the same as Lynnie's

10. Was very dominant. Demanded sexual submission
**True, also. Wanted me to do things I was uncomfortable with. He was good in this area, but often very selfish.
##Very dominant in all areas

11. Demanded logic explanations for complaints about his behaviour. Yet, no matter how logically an argument was expressed, he refused my logic. Turned the tables – it was entirety my fault.
**P overwhelmed me when he had an opinion, he wouldn't allow me to express myself. And everything eventually became my fault. And I was called every nasty female name he could think of (slut, whore, etc - when he was the promiscuous one who had betrayed me).
##P would either pretend extreme contrition - and go off and do the same thing again and again - or confuse me with a stream of pseudo logic, lies and of course any number of reasons why it was my fault.

12. Abhorred emotional outbursts from others.
**He loved emotional outbursts from others. It made him feel alive (and I think loved) when someone was screaming at him. I think his wife had taken over where his mother had left off.
##Mine also seemed to thrive on scenes and dramas

14. When gainsaid he could become very erratic; like a young child. Would glower and act inappropriately.

**P was often erratic and emotionally immature in his responses.
##Yes, very childish responses.

15. Could also turn threatening when gainsaid. Would get the hard look and do he piercing eyes bit.
**Saw this a few times, though rarely directed at me.
##Very threatening, and often violent. To the point where it was easier to just let things pass and not say anything.

16. Never remembered his outbursts. Or refused having had them when I mentioned it.
**So true. Didn't know if he was faking or had actual "episodes" of some sort.
##Mine was a heavy drinker, and we always attributed this kind of memory loss to drink. But maybe it wasn't the drink?

17. Would unexpectedly say very hurtful things:
**Often - and would be surprised that I would be so upset.
##Yes, and likewise could not see that what he had said was hurtful in any way.

19. Became so angry and erratic once when I refused agreement that he said that he would leave right now.
**That happened several times. Though he always panicked when I wouldn't return his calls after these episodes, and he would pursue me relentlessly (email, phone calls, stalking) until I gave in.
##Would never leave himself, but would rather tend to tell me to get out. Or do the pretend suicide thing and, I suspect, enjoy every moment of me trying to stop him.

20. Said that he worked for several Intelligence Agencies. Backed his assertions up with long, incredible stories.
**Had lots of great stories and dropped names all the time. Then I realized he started incorporating some of my stories into his life when he talked to others. I'm not sure if he knew what was real after awhile.
##Had loads of great stories, and said he had done all sorts of things in the army, - some of which I found later had happened to somebody else. And would incorporate stories which I'd heard other people tell him into his own for the benefit of the next listener. I don't think he had any idea of what was and wasn't real.

Top
#1733 - 06/27/06 12:48 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Nan]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Author unknown

Hi! I can't belive that i fell for the act that, he is desperately in love with me, and I thought that explained many odd manipulations and trying to get rid of him being so hard. Belive it or not he did manipulate and pressure me into marrying him, I tried to run and all. He didn't want to have a prenupt(, now that would have been just perfect for him,) because of the total love. He kept me all along in some kind of a state of hysteria, confusing and confusing me. That way it's also, not just 'fun' for him, but it defenetly made me a better target for manipulations. All the way usefull as also fun...
The thing he said about people how he saw them and had seen them all his life, was in the quite beginning of our so called relationship, and we were still travelling then so he didn't show many signs of this hygienie behaviour, If he did see always people as such, it just makes me wonder, if other psycopaths might experience the same, since they seem to have so many traces in common all along and it would also a bit explain why this man or any other psychopath who experiences this, see others as obstacles or targets for abuse. I'm really at the moment also an armchair pychologist, in anything that what is about psychopaths, but I am student of psychology, and I'm heading for a reseacher as an occupation and I have succesfull reseacher in my family and I know many
academics in high positions as friends. I make often theories about many subjects that other academics find plausible, but psychopaths are really a mystery to me and I avoid making any conclusions about them, because I really know that I don't understand them and I don't know enough to see anything real, I'm not being scientifically analytic, I'm just speculating and for me it seems to be a necesity at the moment in healing.
One odd thing I spotted about his family was that he's mom seemed to be the most amazing person, charismatic, she didn't seem to have any flaws ( I didn't know her all that well ) allthough other members of the kin ( fathers side )
didn't seem to like her at all, and I really wondered why,
his husband was from a very wealthy family, but now all his money was in ' some investements ', that the mother controlled, because the father was a schitzophrenic and as the story went, when they had met, he had madly fallen in love with this woman, and after they got married he just ,nobody knows why, lost his sanity. A psychopathic trace in the family ?? Thank you, Nan ,for the reply.

Top
#1734 - 06/27/06 12:56 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Dianne E.]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Author unknown

11. Demanded logic explanations for complaints about his behaviour. Yet, no matter how logically an argument was expressed, he refused my logic. Turned the tables – it was entirety my fault.

was always my fault


12. Abhorred emotional outbursts from others.
especially hated tears felt they were used to emit pity or sympathy.
14. When gainsaid he could become very erratic; like a young child. Would glower and act inappropriately.

liked to point really up in your face and stand real close
5. Could also turn threatening when gainsaid. Would get the hard look and do he piercing eyes bit.
oh yes "the look" me and my kids know it well it goes with the "bullnosed" nostril flare thing then there is the jaw twitch

16. Never remembered his outbursts. Or refused having had them when I mentioned it.

yes i have been told i confuse him with someother guy i f******. he has no recollection

17. Would unexpectedly say very hurtful things:
hmmm.... yes this is true too
18. Confessed to loving animals. we are both "dog" people

19. Became so angry and erratic once when I refused agreement that he said that he would leave right now. He ran around like a demented person getting his things together and I just let him do it. I just sat still – said or did nothing to stop him from leaving. He must have sensed that his blackmail didn’t work, for he soon calmed down.
yes we all can relate to this one i am sure
20. Said that he worked for several Intelligence Agencies. Backed his assertions up with long, incredible stories.

mine is in the Army and weaves some pretty wild tales


extras: mine hates feet, weird huh?
ok house rules
1.there must never ever be dishwashing liquid, or small applianed on counters or sink when not being used. must be hidden in shelf
2. Only "scumbags" don't have towels hanging in their bathrooms at all times
3. canned goods must face the front and never be upside down or unorganized according to type..

there is too much if i think about it. i have a headache

Top
#1735 - 12/02/06 05:21 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Dianne E.]
enough911 Offline
member

Registered: 12/02/06
Posts: 3
Early Red flags... he targeted me before I even knew he existed, mutual friends and my own family members telling me how much he liked me when I'd barely said hello while working and he was having lunch with them all. Of course they discussed my fragility after recent past tragedy, and my resilience was amply on show. Them all telling me I should go out with him, he's so nice and he thinks the world of me. --------- Who is this guy?

Early Red flag 2 - Abiltity to polish off almost entire food offerings on a table and not notice that he's not sharing.
Query - do they all love buffet/smorgasbord so they can stuff themselves silly and feel like they're getting away with something?

Early Red flag 3 - ex-girlfriend who didn't know she was an ex turning up at my door. In tears, screaming as he led her away from my earshot. He came back and told me he couldn't imagine why she was making such a fuss, she knew it was over. I told him that was the last lie he was ever allowed to tell me. What a joke!

Early Red flag 4 - It's only fair that they have what you have, even if they can't afford it, you should provide it, or it's not fair. Don't know how he did it, but I paid for him to enjoy the same as I had, because otherwise it wouldn't be fair.

EArly Red flag 5 - inappropriate response to possible fatal pregnancy with complications - he went overboard rejoicing in the pregnancy (now I've got you where I want you?)and ignoring the risk to life.

Early Red flag 6 - on a card on our engagement attached to a single red rose 'Expect it when you least expect it' with no explanation but an evil smirk when I asked what that meant. I learnt what that meant, and I learned when to expect it.


Red flag to undo all red flags - Our vows - to love, honour, cherish and respect - were just idealistic things to say, not things that he actually had to keep, just idealistic things he said to get me to marry him, and yes he admits he has broken them, but what did I expect? He always knew i would keep them, that's what he liked about me, but that didn't mean he had to.

I think that's the most honest thing he had said in 22 years, and everything, everything I had been trying to puzzle out fell into place - devastating place, but place.


Edited to make it less specific (sorry early days - paranoia)


Edited by enough911 (12/03/06 12:48 AM)

Top
Page 14 of 26 < 1 2 ... 12 13 14 15 16 ... 25 26 >

Moderator:  Dianne E.