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#15212 - 05/22/13 04:00 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: threetimesstunned]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
Well, it's been 2 months no contact but it was really really bad before and I was contemplating a solution of half a year or more, I just wanted us to part in a civilised way but that's not what the Psychopath wanted.

I'm actually doing pretty well but I must admit I have it easy - I was not married to him, no kids, "only" 4 years together and he is not really going after me, he's really preoccupied with his new victim so I can put myself together. He's also kind of more sophisticated - almost no physical abuse (he only hit me a few times before but was never "into" it fortunately - I think he just wanted to see how far he can go) and the psychological abuse was very subtle, he rarely called me names, it was only manipulation, lying and such and it's easier to deal with when you know what's coming.

I also got a lot of support from friends, family and co-workers, who apparently despise this guy which I find really surprising - turns out I was the one with the best opinion about him to begin with.

So I had it relatively easy compared to most people here.

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#15214 - 05/22/13 07:23 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: crocodile]
threetimesstunned Offline
member

Registered: 04/07/13
Posts: 32
Originally Posted By: crocodile
Well, it's been 2 months no contact but it was really really bad before and I was contemplating a solution of half a year or more, I just wanted us to part in a civilised way but that's not what the Psychopath wanted.
I'm actually doing pretty well but I must admit I have it easy - I was not married to him, no kids, "only" 4 years together and he is not really going after me, he's really preoccupied with his new victim so I can put myself together. He's also kind of more sophisticated - almost no physical abuse (he only hit me a few times before but was never "into" it fortunately - I think he just wanted to see how far he can go) and the psychological abuse was very subtle, he rarely called me names, it was only manipulation, lying and such and it's easier to deal with when you know what's coming.
I also got a lot of support from friends, family and co-workers, who apparently despise this guy which I find really surprising - turns out I was the one with the best opinion about him to begin with.
So I had it relatively easy compared to most people here.


That's interesting about your friends not having liked him. I had the same experience: really no one who met her liked her; one of my friends could not bear even to LOOK at her, and I could not figure out what was going on with him. I was so enchanted I could NOT figure out why this was the case.Other friends said the same thing about her: she doesn't care about your life, your friends. I had to remind myself that I had not liked her myself, 1.5 years ago. We met online, and the first two times we met she actually creeped me out as I noticed how she watched me, with beady eyes. I don't know why I agreed to meet again. But once I was hooked, that was that, I felt really seriously attached; I never thought to wonder about what was happening. That was the early honeymoon phase; she absolutely swamped me with all the good stuff, and I became like putty in her hands. With hindsight I now remember the red flags: attempts to destabilize me sexually; weird lies; sudden blasts of aggressiveness; all mitigated by the "love bombing" via text and email. I've never gotten so much attention in my life; way too much. I think now that--with my compliance--there was maybe even some sort of hypnotizing going on. My body knew something, though: I developed all sorts of psychosomatic disturbances plus panic attacks.

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#15216 - 05/22/13 08:08 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: threetimesstunned]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
Quote:
My body knew something, though: I developed all sorts of psychosomatic disturbances plus panic attacks.

Same with me. I felt constant anxiety from the start. When it comes to not liking him - I was attracted to him from the start but also felt that he's not "my kind of person" - I usually know pretty fast the people I'll get along with well and those who I'll never be real friends with (not necessarily because they're bad people, just not "my kind") and never go out of my way to please them. I remember I found it surprising that he got interested in me and how easy it was to be close with him in spite of my initial feelings. I thought that maybe I was just wrong in the beginning... well, I wasn't.

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#15217 - 05/22/13 08:09 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: threetimesstunned]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
I guess if he was not sexually super attractive for me I'd have not liked him as well, I usually have a good intuition for people. I was just so much into this guy and so happy he seemed to be interested that I gave in immediately and let him do whatever he wanted ignoring all the red flags.

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#15218 - 05/22/13 08:20 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: crocodile]
threetimesstunned Offline
member

Registered: 04/07/13
Posts: 32
Yeah, in hindsight so many red flags in the beginning; I did note them (I remember individual moments so well) but thought I was just being "paranoid," self-destructive.
In my case, too, God forbid, no physical violence (though she's not a stranger to it), really no offensive language except for these rare moments, when suddenly everything was torn to shreds (the abyss opening up), just for a split second. Language is highly fetishized in her hands, so precious, so self-conscious, so--artificial. And so... weirdly, full of hate in its intention, NOT in her superficial use of it.

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#15219 - 05/22/13 08:23 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: threetimesstunned]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
Now I think about it - I met him when we started working together and I was bullied by people at the workplace, all his acquaintances, as I was a new employee and I'm rather shy by nature. The way he got to me was that he after some time of this bulling in which he never took part (at least when I was looking), he talked to me that he sees what's going on and he wants to help me and is always defending me in front of these people and so on. Now, I'm wondering if he did not actually manipulate others into not liking me and mobbing just to be able to pose as this nice guy who's totally on my side. This sounds like a typical strategy - isolate you from the environment and set up the we against the world scenario. I have no proof of course, but I know at the same time I made friends in the same company at another department via a colleague and somehow they all seemed to like me from the start so maybe it was really him setting me u for trouble:/.

It was all so cliche: first he's trying to help you against all the bad people around you, then he tells you his sad story so you feel bad for him and then when you're totally into this guy he changes into his real self...

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#15220 - 05/22/13 12:37 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: crocodile]
threetimesstunned Offline
member

Registered: 04/07/13
Posts: 32
Originally Posted By: crocodile

It was all so cliche: first he's trying to help you against all the bad people around you, then he tells you his sad story so you feel bad for him and then when you're totally into this guy he changes into his real self...


That's what I'm finding, too, that she is a textbook case-- every single cliche confirmed. The very terrible event (the details of which didn't add up). The worst things for me: the gaslighting and the sense of betrayal. We shared so much (intellectually and emotionally) and nothing ever meant anything to her. That's hard to take. Also that I let her play the same game with me twice! But I had to be sure.

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#15230 - 05/24/13 11:19 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: crocodile]
tigerlilyj Offline
member

Registered: 05/24/13
Posts: 10
Originally Posted By: crocodile
Now I think about it - I met him when we started working together and I was bullied by people at the workplace, all his acquaintances, as I was a new employee and I'm rather shy by nature. The way he got to me was that he after some time of this bulling in which he never took part (at least when I was looking), he talked to me that he sees what's going on and he wants to help me and is always defending me in front of these people and so on. Now, I'm wondering if he did not actually manipulate others into not liking me and mobbing just to be able to pose as this nice guy who's totally on my side. This sounds like a typical strategy - isolate you from the environment and set up the we against the world scenario. I have no proof of course, but I know at the same time I made friends in the same company at another department via a colleague and somehow they all seemed to like me from the start so maybe it was really him setting me u for trouble:/.

It was all so cliche: first he's trying to help you against all the bad people around you, then he tells you his sad story so you feel bad for him and then when you're totally into this guy he changes into his real self...


Wow... what I'm so amazed at after so much research is how psychopaths are like a "species," they all share traits - identical ones - like the way all zebras share stripes.

Mine did the exact same. 2 years ago when we first met, he caught me that way: us against the world, like you said. Told me that i was "not following the good path" and to be aware and strong against all the cruel people in this world: isn't it ironic that I believed I was being saved by the cruelest one of them all?

It worked like a charm on me, he is 8 years older so I naively thought he was wiser and knew what was good for me, I swallowed all of his [censored] for months really believing he was helping me. I have to admit that he did help me for a lot of things, he took care of me, got me back on track from my depression, and was so good to me in the beginning of our relationship. I was in a low point of my life when we met (of course: if I hadn't been weak, he wouldn't have fooled me to become his girl...)

He always told me his story of how hard his childhood was and this made me justify his abusive behavior for a long time, normalized it thinking "its okay, he is the one, we will get through this together."

Never accept excuses from someone for their mistreatment and abuse of you, and even if it is so hard, just walk away... Respect yourself.



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#15234 - 05/24/13 07:50 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: tigerlilyj]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
Yeah, the worst part is that in the beginning he also really took care of me. Or at least it appeared so since now I'm realising that:
- some of it is only what he said (like his "defending me" in front of others - it may well be he was the one who spread stories in the first place but I believed him since he was the only one to talk to me)
- some of it was real favours but usually small ones which he made look like he's saving my life though in reality they required no or close to no effort from him (and then I realised he either bragged about it in front of the whole world to see how good he is and/or went on to remind me about them on every occasion)
- whenever I needed substantial help which would take a lot of his time, effort or god forbid any money he had an excuse (or he would promise to do it and then never remembered the conversation/changed his mind because of some horrible offense on my side/couldn't make it because of some sudden family emergency)

In the same time I constantly offered my help and never heard thank you (except when he used his overly expressed gratitude to manipulate my behaviour).

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#15235 - 05/24/13 08:05 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: tigerlilyj]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
Quote:
got me back on track from my depression


Well, mine used my mild depression to manipulate me into even worse problems - he basically drove me crazy (with a help of the so called "professionals") and of course he was doing it all to help me. What started off as a low level depression (and that was even mostly driven by him since it was 2 years into the relationship) ended up as panic attacks, severe depression and anxiety and borderline-like symptoms. Plus some others. Funny how all of this disappeared completely without any drugs/psychologists (I won't ever trust any one of them after this I think, the are a bunch of incompetent people with own issues and an unfounded believe that they understand others perfectly because they finished some studies - I'm still waiting to meet one who's not like that) 2 months after NC.

I actually realised that he was actively putting things into my head and I was replicating them in real life (somebody here wrote something about Psychopaths and hypnosis...). I only resisted his attempts to drag my family to this [censored] - he was implying I was abused as a child and tried to make me believe there was something wrong with my family (which of course was what the "professionals" also believed even though I told them again and again I have NO childhood issues and had a normal loving family). Now I think about it these were the only moments I resisted his BS - when he tried to set me up against my close friends and family. I fear to think how bad it would be for anyone who had less support and hard faith in people close to them. I guess that's his next victim (she's the one who actually was abused by her family and had a history of suicide - an easy catch for him...).

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