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#1676 - 12/04/04 04:01 PM Re: Red Flags
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi everyone
Im new to this site so bear with me. I beleive I met a P 11 years ago. He became my husband and as so many of you have said he appeared to be the perfect man. And I have to say that he was for 6 years. He did have p tendencies during that time - controlling, low boredom threshhold, a need for constant attention, liked flash cars, flirtatios, a wicked tongue, prone to exaggeration.
Then the bombshell hit. We had (Ithought) an almost perfect marriage. Then out of the blue he told me he didnt feel the same way about me anymore (whatever that was suppossed to mean. when we first met he would tell me constantly that he was enchanted by me!
He decided to leave to sort himself out. I found out 3 weeks later that he had beem having an affair with another woman and had moved in with her.
That was 5 years ago. In all that time he has never left me alone. He has constantly told me that he made a big mistake (even though he has married this other woman)
Because of his charm and his knowledge of my huge love for him he has used me to boost his ego and kept me dangling for all this time. And I have fallen for it.
So here I am having lost out on the chance of meeting anyone else because I believed him everytime. He is a liar, a cheat, a manipulator, a crack cocaine addict (this started after our split), and recently he stole my credit card and used it to the tune of Ģ1000 before i realised and put a stop on it. He also became a wife beater (with the new wife not me) and has recently lost his driving licence through drink driving.
I have finally made the decision to cut him out of my life and wish I had done so 5 years ago.
My story is much longer than what I have written here but it would take me the rest of the weekend to complete.
I agree with many others on this site who cannot quite really believe that this wonderful person that you loved with all your heart could do the things they do. The only explanation is to accept that they are P

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#1677 - 12/05/04 06:09 AM Re: Red Flags
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Hi tapperfaith, welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear about your pain. It is lucky you are away from him and have made your decision.

When you are ready we have a "thread" to tell more of your story if it would help you. Every time someone tells their story it helps many others who only read.

My Story - Part Two

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#1678 - 12/05/04 12:47 PM Re: Red Flags
recovery Offline
member

Registered: 11/19/02
Posts: 204
Hi Tapperfaith

Hi and welcome. You are begining to make the break. It takes time with a P as they want to decide not you. They want to know they can still control. At least you are not the current wife - she has a stormy passage to come. You can just move right on and leave him behind heading to a gutter of his making.

Keep strong, and I hope we can help some.

Best of luck

Recovery

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#1679 - 02/12/06 03:31 PM Re: Red Flags
Freedom&laughter Offline
member

Registered: 02/11/06
Posts: 2
Hi

I would be interested to know if red flags were present very early with your dealings with Ps. I am new here.

I noticed with my P early red flags, he would be charming, cultured and well mannered in the evening at dinner, but in the morning at breakfast he would eat like a wild animal, I nearly fininshed with him there and then. It just seemed like 2 different people. It was almost as if he had to adjust from sleeping to wear the mask again.

Anyone else noticed lack of sense of humour,he read books with such exclusion when you are present, again like an escape.

Would be interested to hear peoples comments

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#1680 - 02/12/06 07:23 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: Freedom&laughter]
neverthesame Offline
member

Registered: 09/13/05
Posts: 53
Hi, Freedom&laughter, Welcome.

Hmmm...red flags....yes! This was the first time in my life I had met someone and knew something wasn't quite right, but couldn't put my finger on it. I was even warned by others that my P's (couple) were crazy. I thought I was doing a good thing by giving my P's the benefit of the doubt. Boy was I wrong....for such a short-termed friendship (a few months) and almost two years later they still are stalking and harrassing me...P's definately cannot be reasoned with. When you leave a P, run and NEVER look back. Don't try to be nice, don't feel sorry for them, don't have any type of communication with them, it will become twisted and used against you. P's are very obsessive and vengeful people who lead a very pathetic existence.

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#1681 - 02/17/06 07:58 AM Re: Red Flags
Diane1969 Offline
member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 147
Here are some of the big red flags my P gave me early on and throughout our relationship.

Emotional immaturity, need for instant gratification, petulance - these things are striking in an older adult. Mix that with overwhelming charm and it is a recipe for disaster.

A deadbolt on the front door that needs a key to open from inside the house - locked and key pocketed the first time you visit. "Danger, Will Robinson!"

Porn addiction and the need to act out pornographic sex rather than real but simple intimacy.

When you push just a little for depth you hit what feels like an impenetrable wall, either no response or immediate and over-board negative response. This is a good sign for any personality disorders. In a P it feels like their total lack of depth is like interacting with a small child.

All communication about others you find early on is always turned somehow to him/her. "But what about ME?" Total manipulation for attention.

Talk about ethics, morals, or common decency leave you feeling sad or forlorn, because he/she is slippery or just doesn't get the need for rules for social welfare and sees nothing wrong with this.

Indicators of petty thievery, or behaviors that show total and complete disregard for other's welfare. This can be confusing because as long as they are getting their needs for attention and gratification met, they can seem to be caring individuals - but only in that person's presence. When the other person is not around they are targeted for hatred, put-downs and derogatory back-biting. P's are two faced and can't deal with personal conflict.

Gross inability to form logical thoughts or follow arguments through to logical conclusions - I saw a lot of magical thinking in my P.

Pathologic lying that they don't even attempt to justify. Crocodile tears. Blatant attempts to manipulate you emotionally. Philandering.

Anxiety and impatience and sense that when they are not getting their needs met that they are extremely uncomfortable in their own bodies.

Trophy collecting and maintaining "friendships" with past lovers, but only those who are emotionally vulnerable people that they can continue to manipulate.

Inability or unwillingness to follow through on promises where they do not reap immediate benefit from it. They have difficulty or the inability to bank good will.

A sense of emotional retardation that is all pervasive and rigid.

Betrayal after betrayal after betrayal and never any remorse for YOUR pain and NO indicators before hand that it is coming.

Unexpected and swift emotional change from normal to extremely cold and hostile - this is extremely frightening because there is no exterior cause for it.

Personal revelations that strike you as somehow "false", somehow don't make sense, or that you intuitively sense are lies, because they are designed to elicit emotional response in you but he/she shows no emotions around it; or they are designed to stop or control your current behavior; or are designed to make whatever abusive treatment you are undergoing have an excuse that you can't argue with... "that is just the way I am."

Anything that causes your intuition to go off, even if you don't understand it at the time. Anything that makes you feel like your energy level is dropping through the floor. I had a lot of this early on... I should have listened.

There's much more, but this is a start.

Diane1969







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#1682 - 02/17/06 03:39 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: Diane1969]
tiasa1234 Offline
member

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 193
Diane1969... I just read your "red flags" and it's utterly amazing how much you have described the P I was "involved" with (that I recently ran into after many months of no contact).... Thank you again for your wonderful way with putting to words the ways I feel! Tiasa XOXO
_________________________
If you lend someone $100 and never see that person again, it was worth it!

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#1683 - 02/17/06 08:18 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: tiasa1234]
Diane1969 Offline
member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 147
Dear Tiasa,

You are so welcome! I am glad my words helped you.

But you know, we are all either graduates or students of these hard lessons. I just hope I never forget such hard learned material so that I won't fall victim to it again. And I wish for the same for all of us.

Diane1969

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#1684 - 02/18/06 02:39 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Diane1969]
ekko Offline
member

Registered: 07/04/05
Posts: 33
Hi Diane1969
I agree with Tiasa, your description of the red flags is superb.

But how do you use the information? I find myself being very suspicious when I meet new people looking for exactly those flags, they are everywhere.

How do you talk about them? I have tried to explain to two therapists what happened, the first one told me off for getting so involved with somebody who was plain crazy. The second one, who I am still seeing, told me to send the P a letter telling him, I want nothing more to do with him and is treating me like a middle aged woman who couldnīt let go.

How can I tell anybody how he saw all my secret hopes and dreams even before I talked about them, how he played on all my strengths and weaknesses?

Ekko

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#1685 - 02/18/06 04:38 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: ekko]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Hi Ekko, just an observation for whatever its worth:
In reply to:

The second one, who I am still seeing, told me to send the P a letter telling him, I want nothing more to do with him and is treating me like a middle aged woman who couldnīt let go.



I would tread with caution before giving him something in writing.

Di

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