Page 5 of 26 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ... 25 26 >
Topic Options
#1636 - 01/23/03 06:52 PM Re: Red Flags
Anonymous
Unregistered


I caught the last 15 minutes of Oprah today. It was about Domestic violence. They will have part 2 tomorrow(friday).

finished,
I looked up Domestic Violence Intervention in the phone book today. There is an abuse hotline to call. It also showed a group at the YMCA. Just so happens the P. hangs out at the YMCA and I am sure he has charmed his way into the lifes of some of the people there (the P. has lots of contacts, lots of targets). I have a job where I deal with alot of the general public. I think I would be afraid to go. I guess I feel like if someone knew me and knew the P. they would not believe me. Since the P. abuses me pyschologically and emotionally, I guess I feel like I don't belong there. After all the mobbing at my office this last year I guess I don't have much trust in anybody.

Today I have been doing alot of positive talk. I am trying to unlearn some of the thinking patterns the P. has taught me. I had a better day today. Talked to another company today about working for them. I guess it makes me feel like I am doing something about the problem when I start looking for another job (I have done this before but kept on staying where the P is because of the pain). I almost have all the details worked out, and hope I have the courage to take the new job. It will be a pay cut, but everything in my life is not about money. My health is more important.

betterway

Top
#1637 - 01/23/03 11:21 PM Re: Red Flags
Anonymous
Unregistered


Betterway,

>>>Today I have been doing alot of positive talk. I am trying to unlearn some of the thinking patterns the P. has taught me. I had a better day today.<<<

I can understand very well that people would believe that your P is a problem. I have heard the stories. I have read before that abusers just act it out in private and that they appear under control in public.
But what you have said, "trying to unlearn the thinking patterns of the P" is well said. It is actually what I should be doing as well. I have the impression that it is what I learned from that P is conflicting with my world. I thought I had learned but it doesn't seem to serve me any longer now that I am operating in his realm.

I hope you will find a job, I am sure you can find something great.

Top
#1638 - 01/24/03 07:06 AM Re: Red Flags
recovery Offline
member

Registered: 11/19/02
Posts: 204
Hi

I keep wanting to load lots of my story onto the site then hope for some help/feedback. But there is never time, soon I hope. But I did that - gave up my job and home and moved away to keep my daughter safe from her father the P. My new job has less than half the money, and I still fight the system who don't want to know or admit they made mistakes. But we are safe and happy and free to 'deprogramme' from the chaos and mess of the life that is controlled by the P.

Good luck to all of you who are still so close to the P

Top
#1639 - 01/24/03 07:16 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: recovery]
Anonymous
Unregistered


nice to meet you, recovery,
I am looking forward to hearing your story.
betterway

Top
#1640 - 01/24/03 09:22 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: recovery]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Recovery,
Welcome to the forum. One of the most important parts
of my (continuing) recovery has been to write it all
down and post my experience on this site. When we organize
our thoughts in this fashion we are working from a different
side of our brain than when we are just listening to our
internal chatter. This, in itself, can be extremely helpful
in establishing a higher degree of clarity and understanding of the situation. So, I encourage you to do this (even if you decide not to post it).Like I have said before, you
are in good, safe hands here.
Rick

Top
#1641 - 01/24/03 04:58 PM Re: Red Flags
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Hi recovery, welcome to the forum. When you are ready, I will look forward to hearing your story and how you escaped.

Top
#1642 - 01/25/03 12:49 AM Re: Red Flags
Anonymous
Unregistered


"I almost have all the details worked out, and hope I have the courage to take the new job. It will be a pay cut, but everything in my life is not about money. My health is more important."

Betterway,

You are so right. Money is not the most important thing.
I believe that you will find the courage to do whatever you need to in order to regain health and peace of mind.

The hardest part for me is usually working out the details, then the big picture seems to almost fall into place. Sometimes my parent( being vague on purpose here) would pressure me to, "finish the 'divorce', sell the house, move out of state, find anew job, and start a new life". I couldn't move to their pace. It had to be accomplished part by part, as I was able to do each step. I used to think that it was like reading a book. One chapter was my education, another chapter was legaly finalizing the end of my marriage, another was relocating, another chapter was getting a different job. And I could only handle one chapter at a time. Each chapter I finished DID help, but they had to be finished at MY pace, not anyone elses.
People who did not go through this didn't realize how the emotional battering immobilized me, and just how long it took to recover a sense of dignity, capability, trust in myself... every positive emotion or aspect of self-concept that was neutralized or reversed by the P.
Take Care,
Leti

Top
#1643 - 01/25/03 04:11 PM Re: Red Flags
Anonymous
Unregistered


Betterway

>>I looked up Domestic Violence Intervention in the phone book today. There is an abuse hotline to call. It also showed a group at the YMCA. . .<<

>>(the P. has lots of contacts, lots of targets). <<

P#2 is also VERY well known in my community. Although I live in a fairly large city it is "small" in regards to the rumor-mill. In my groups I am very careful about what I share, anonimity is stressed and I don't give clues. I have found the information and support great. I have also learned being a victim is a learned behavior and with education it can be unlearned.

I'm not implying that would be the case with you, but I personally grew up in an abusive home and married an alcholic who was at one time physically abusive as well as emotionally, verbally and phycologically abusive. His abuse was NOTHING compared to P#2. Nothing. So for me, I developed a very high tolerance for abuse. Trust me Betterway. . .being in that group was one of the hardest thing for me to do. I also got into a group a the Y but it is over now. Again. . .I was very careful not to give details that would indicate who I was talking about. I was one desperate person. At the open AA meetings (which are open to Alanons), I just introduce myself. . ."Hi I'm finished, Alanon. . .just here to listen a learn". I only comment if I want.

I know we all have to find our own paths to recovery and I'm just sharing what is working for me. My "style" is to usually isolate myself and get into "my head". I have done that for years (since the betrayal of P#2). The groups help pull me out of myself. I have found there are many ways my story has given others hope. So now when I go, I really try to look for ways to be an encouragement to others as well as listening and learning for ways to heal for myself. Does that make sense?

I'm still in the job market myself. I have been really keeping myself busy doing little projects helping my friends. I also got a new little dog. I adopted her Monday and she has been such a blessing to me.

Okay. . .don't laugh, I've heard and seen books on "what I've learned from my dog".

Here's one thing (I relate to. . .my dog that is). She is about five years old. Very friendly. Stands off wagging her tail not to sure she is welcome in my space. It has taken a little coaxing to get her to come to me and relax. I think maybe she was abused because she lays her ears back when I go to pet her.

How I relate. I was the same way. Very friendly but life had beat me around alot so I staying in the outer circle waiting to be invited in. P#2 was very patient and a super good hunter. He spent many years coaxing me out of myself. Calling, showing interest, encouraging,sticking up for me, supporting me. Gradually, he won my trust. I began to love him. Then when he asked me how I felt about him and I told him he withdrew. . . .began to isolate himself from me. Quit calling and all the above. After all the other abuse in my life. . .i really truly went over the edge. I know why the NO CONTACT thing would be hard. . .I couldn't have done it then. I thought for years. . it was me. . .betrayal. . .oh the pain.

At DVIS we talked about the trauma bonding. I will get that info out this weekend and share. It makes so much sense.

>>and hope I have the courage to take the new job. It will be a pay cut, but everything in my life is not about money.<<

Girl. . .if you have had the courage to get this far in the P process. . .you can take it all the way. After you have changed jobs, I really believe it will become easier. You'll have a whole other stuff going on and there is always the learning curve regardless of your experience. I know it's hard (((Betterway))). Your heart has been broken.

But. . .Betterway, our hearts can heal :-)

I'm so glad Oprah is giving attention to this issue. It is huge.

finished

Top
#1644 - 01/25/03 04:14 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: recovery]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Recovery
Glad you are here!
This is a great place to be. It saved my life as well as providing a santucary for me.
Hope to hear your story. . .when you are ready. :-)
Finished

Top
#1645 - 01/25/03 04:18 PM Re: Red Flags
Anonymous
Unregistered


Leti wrote: << I used to think that it was like reading a book. One chapter was my education, another chapter was legaly finalizing the end of my marriage, another was relocating, another chapter was getting a different job.<<

That is a good way to look at it. The getting a different job is a whole book in itself. LOL. I worry to much about what others think. I know the totally clueless people at my office will wonder why did I do that. I have been successful with this company, why would I leave. And then there are those that will deep down inside really know, and out of ignorance, wonder why I don't just ignore the guy. And then there are those that will have pleasure from the fact that they succeeded in the illimination process. I was planning today what to say to the owner when I tell him I am leaving. You know what, after reading "stalking the soul" again today I have decided no explanation is necessary. By explaining my reasons I might be adding fuel to the fire. I already done that plenty of times.

I'm not sure what the P. will do or say My fear is he will go back to the destroy mode. Which has kinda been on hold for awhile, to suck me back in. I have been feeling a little bit of the evilness coming back as he is preoccupied lately and the fact that I told him basicly I wouldn't play the game. I know he has alot of influence, all I can do is leave and hope for the best and not let him win by occupying my mind even though he is nowhere in sight. Now that will be a hard one.

Leti, I am reading the book, making plans, moving in a positive direction.

>>People who did not go through this didn't realize how the emotional battering immobilized me, and just how long it took to recover a sense of dignity, capability, trust in myself... every positive emotion or aspect of self-concept that was neutralized or reversed by the P.<<

so true


>>Each chapter I finished DID help, but they had to be finished at MY pace, not anyone elses.<<

I know what you mean. I will make my break. I will go "No Contact" at my pace. I get closer everytime I try to make a break. Changing jobs will be a very big step.
Hard but the right choice. thanks for your support!

betterway






Top
Page 5 of 26 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ... 25 26 >

Moderator:  Dianne E.