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#16246 - 02/24/14 12:45 PM Trusting people
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
Hey!

I wanted to post lately about how grateful I am for this forum and the help I have received here.
But since I'm in a new relationship I have been feeling really bad. I have absolutely no reasons to not trust the man, and he is everything but a psycho, but it seems my PTSD was just asleep, not gone.
The guy proposed moving in together in a different country, and even though I want to do this, just the thought of sharing something, of being at least a little bit dependent on somebody shakes me to my very core.
I am at the verge of staring fights just to quit the relationship. The idea of having a serious relationship really scares me.
I am getting incredibly nervous, anxious.
I know it is just my old memories, but I don't know how to deal with it.

I try to just be honest and talk to him about how I feel, but every time I feel so lost and I just end up crying. Even after so many years it is still hard to talk about it.

They guy says he completely understands and he is very supportive. I am just afraid of my reactions and my behavior. I am being completely paranoid. I think it's because the feelings for this guy are so strong, and it just reminds me of the Psychopath.

Your advice will definitely be helpful!

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#16248 - 02/27/14 08:10 PM Re: Trusting people [Re: FreeBird]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Howdy FreeBird, great to see you. I think you have every reason to be concerned about such a big move. Even without a Psyco in the past it is a big move to relocate for someone.

I have a couple of questions, how long have you been dating/seeing him?

Would the move to another country be just to move in or is their marriage on the table?

Are their children involved?

Di

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#16255 - 03/08/14 12:57 PM Re: Trusting people [Re: Dianne E.]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
Hey Dianne, thank you for your answer!

I've known the guy for a year now and he is one of the best people I have ever met.
I would move in with him in a different country, he asked me to. Living together here is not an option for him and neither for me )I wanted to move out for a while). But I would be very dependent on him (Appartement, friends, etc). At least at the beginning.
No children are involved, and we are pretty young people, so it's not a very big decision. It is also what I want.

The thing is, he is very open and clear that he wants a serious relationship. I feel very good with him, and my intuition tells me to go (and if you remember I always trust my intuition), but my reason is telling me this is crazy and risky. I try to calculate the risk involved (even the possibility of him being a psycho sometimes:D), but exactly, I think I am being paranoid about it.

Even a few nights back, I had this dream where we were together and later in the dream it was my old psycho there... As if this guy changed the looks to the psychopath, but he was still the great guy and I loved him in the dream, I only realized he looked like the psycho after waking up. I felt very bad and confused.

And this is exactly what it is. I ever considered getting some professional help on that, but you know the doctors... they do more damage than help, so I decided to ask you guys.

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#16406 - 07/14/14 09:31 AM Re: Trusting people [Re: FreeBird]
marinde Offline
member

Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 58
Hi there,

I can't really help, but I can tell you I understand you.

I have a psychopath-ish ex and a son from him. Started dating again. And my PTSD flared up again. Some of my concerns were normal, some concerns were my PTSD, and I found it difficult to see the difference between the two. So I decided it was too soon to date. I too was asked to move in with him, but refused, because I would be dependent and it was too soon. So I get your fears. In my case, I also think he was not the right guy for me, I had "normal" doubts as well.

I always notice...when my PTSD kicks in, usually there IS normal concern at the core of it (f.e. someone treats me unkindly), then my mind makes it into something big (oh no, another psychopath!! he will harm us!) and tries to control the situation (let's avoid him!! never speak to him again! avoid his friends too!). Then next I tend to not take myself seriously at all (it's not at all important, not much happened, it's only me and my PTSD). I go back and forth between the two extremes. And in the end I realize there's something bothering me that should be addressed (f.e. it WAS unkind and I should tell the person I don't accept his behaviour and he should not do that again) but I shouldn't overreact.

I believe it's normal to have concerns over moving to another place where you're so dependent. Everyone could feel that way, it is a big decision. I know other people with concerns about that, people without psychopath exes and with normal boyfriends. It's a normal valid feeling! Not everything is PTSD! Don't dismiss everything you feel.

Then there's paranoid thinking, taking the normal concern too far, thinking everyone's a psychopath. That's your PTSD. I guess you have to accept that this is a scarier decision for you than for others and you have PTSD flaring up, that's a normal response too with your past. Your PTSD is a valid thing too. But you shouldn't really act on everything your PTSD tells you. If he's a truly good guy and you want to move and feel ready for that, don't run away.

You somehow have to find out what is the real concern and what is your PTSD. Take the real concerns seriously, for example do you feel pushed or not ready for this decision? Maybe you need a little more security, for example maybe you can already get to know some people, or apply for a sports club? Is there someone you can fall back on if things don't work out?

Recognize the real issues and address them.
Find ways to relax about the PTSD issues and talk with your boyfriend about them, see if he responds in a relaxed way.

Don't let it ruin a truly good thing, but also don't label all your own feelings as unvalid!!! Give yourself some time to feel comfortable with the decision!

Good luck!



Edited by marinde (07/14/14 10:11 AM)

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#16434 - 08/10/14 04:11 PM Re: Trusting people [Re: marinde]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
Thank you marinde, for your wise words!

The relationship progressed and I feel even more confused. The place we live in I don't like, it causes a lot of problems for me (not safe, a lot of stress everyday, little to do, and I am a very sociable person, I need big cities and a lot of noise to feel happy). We decided to move out soon. We have many plans together.

Recently we had a fight (I got angry about something and was mean so he acted angry too). I totally overreacted, but since he acted very mean to me for some 5min it caused some serious issues, and now I can't sleep (I wake up at night, classic PTSD). Seems that my depression is back to, I cry a lot. The bf is going crazy, he wants to help but doesn't know how. I don't know either.

I understand that I can feel bad in this place but I don't think its the only reason for this.
Either>
- the fight caused old memories to come back and now I am scared he will just turn into a psycho all at once (overreacting + PTSD)
- the is something fundamentally wrong about this relationship and my reactions are right

I am trying to dig deep and find the source of this problems but am totally lost. The bf is very devoted but he is a quiet person and that may be causing the misunderstanding too.

I really don't know what to do. He wants to move back to my old city right away cause he thinks it will make me feel better. He is ready to do anything (at least thats what he says).

But I know that moving back won't solve the problem which is within me.
Any opinions would be very helpful!

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