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#16833 - 11/02/16 01:38 PM Re: Adopted Child & RAD [Re: DadofRad]
FeelingDefeated Offline
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Registered: 11/02/16
Posts: 1
Reading this post convinced me to join this forum. I'm at such a loss and feeling such a feeling of helplessness and defeat for both myself and my adopted daughter. We adopted two unrelated children at the age of 3 from St.Petersburg Russia. Both now 15. She was thriving there, potty trained, dressing herself and speaking full Russian. He on the other hand had never left the infant room and was expected to "just die there" if he were not adopted. Once in the states we found through surgeries that he actually never heard words with his hearing issues. He had two caregivers at the most while institutionalized in comparison to her possible sixty.

He has social issues but is very intelligent and shows absolutely no signs of RAD. She could be a RAD poster child and now upon finding this site I'm convinced that she does have psychopath behaviors. My sister has her doctorate in psych and has mentioned this in the past as well although absolutely no experience in RAD she has researched extensively.

She has stolen from us and her siblings upon arrival, purposely breaks everything, has absolutely no sense of what is hers and what isn't to the point that I've searched her garbage for years for household items etc....unopened Christmas presents (although unwrapped) etc.....as though there is no attachment to things as well. She refuses to use sanitary items and chooses to use my kitchen towels, scarfs, shirts etc for her cycle. She then stashes them in various places within the house (we have a very large home) until we track them down due to the stench. She just started using toilet tissue.....just so many unexplained thought patterns. Her IQ on a curve is just at 70 using the Belle Curve through the public school system. You truly can not believe anything she says and yes, just as others mentioned, she can make herself believable to the outside world (such as school settings etc) by manipulating the conversation.

I'm her target....I'm the disciplinary and I make the rules. I weight 112# and her at 170....she towers over me...her violent outbursts and issues make all of us feel like prisoners in our own home. We have 3 biological and the 2 adopted. One biological, 12 years old, and the 15 year old still in the home. I have pictures of my bruises although this last weekend was an all time new as she threw me across her bedroom slamming my head into her dresser. She feels no remorse and tells me that I should be more careful as to what I ask her to do (rules again) as I know that she has anger issues.

Recently she painted her eye with red marker and black make up waiting on the bus. Thankfully my boys texted me to tell me of this as she was telling everyone that she had been hit. I was able to reach her counselors and they were able to call her into their office and make her wash her face. This morning she threatened me upon the request for all of the children to be sure their beds were made (now mind you I do not go for perfection)that she DID NOT have to follow my rules and that she'd see me in court and then visit me in jail because she was going to tell everyone of her head injuries. We have never laid a hand on her.

Unless you've lived in a prison like ours you just can't imagine how awful it is and how it doesn't matter what you attempt to do to make them love you......that it's just not a reachable reality.

Since I started this forum thread I received a phone call from our county solicitor who I've reached out to telling me of a RAD boarding school here in GA. I phoned her therapist who is from the country Georgia and only sees foreign adoptions. She and I have an apt tomorrow.....defeated or not.....if I can afford it.....and for the safety of the others....this is her future.

I feel bad for all of you in this same situation.....and if you're not....but you read....please don't judge.

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#16834 - 11/03/16 11:50 AM Re: Adopted Child & RAD [Re: FeelingDefeated]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Feeling Defeated, thank you very much for sharing your story. It helps more people than you can imagine just by sharing. I hope today's meeting goes as planned. Members over the years have suggested some pretty good ideas on how they kept things safer in their home if she does stay with you while waiting to be placed. If you are interested I can fill you in on what I have learned from them. If you want to follow another members story you can click on their name and their posts will show up.

Best Regards,

Di

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#16835 - 11/05/16 12:30 PM Re: Adopted Child & RAD [Re: FeelingDefeated]
DadofRad Online
member

Registered: 07/18/14
Posts: 129
Thank you for posting. I hope your child gets into the program. If it works out, I would like to hear more about the program. Do you have to pay for it? If you do a search for all my posts, you can see what I did and how I am handling mine. I've still got regular challenges, but he has not been in our house for the last year and prior to that he was only with us 6 months in the last 2.5 years. Like you, when he is home we all live in fear and constant stress, never knowing what type of outburst or intentional accident he will create. No one deserves to live with the abuse you have endured, What we did after having him in 3 residential care programs, was refuse to pick him up for reunification. In our state there are legal charges for that, but we got a dependency lawyer and the judges so far were understanding. They are still trying to fix him and send him back, but we can just keep refusing as he continues to get hospitalized for dangerous behaviors. For the most part, we haven't had to pay too much, but lawyer fees, but we don't know how things will end up. Please know that you are not alone, there are ways to protect yourself and family, and none of this was your fault. Keep standing...she'll be 18 soon.


Edited by DadofRad (11/05/16 05:04 PM)

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#16848 - 11/28/16 07:31 PM Re: Adopted Child & RAD [Re: DadofRad]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi, this is an interesting article with some new research about early childhood detection.

Psychology Today

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#16850 - 11/30/16 07:02 PM Re: Adopted Child & RAD [Re: Dianne E.]
DadofRad Online
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Registered: 07/18/14
Posts: 129
Interesting. At least they are starting to get it that there is a organic in-born factor, but only after seeing studies that these traits are evident early in life. Yet, they still assume that because they are young they are treatable. But the logic does not follow: An adult psychopath is not treatable, but a child psychopath is. That would be wonderful if it were true. We have been doing everything we could to parent, provide a nurturing environment, and treat his unique condition. Yet nothing has worked and he has gotten worse. When will our psychology experts get over the self delusion that everyone can be helped by their trade, and everyone thinks and acts like they do? I hate to be so negative, but treatments have failed me greatly. Yet, in spite of all the history and evidence I have of his untreatability, I still have to endure every new therapist pretending that they are making progress even as his behavior goes down hill. And they always assume that some environmental factor is the root cause. Please!

What I have learned is that personality does not really change. A good natured child becomes a good natured adult. A angry and aggressive child is usually angry and aggressive when grown. Yes there are life experiences that make a person depressed, angry, or defensive, but usually personality rises above or beneath depending on the personality. If that normal person with true environmental factors finds help from others or even religion, they can return to their true personality. The psychopath, however seems unaffected by both consequences or help.


Edited by DadofRad (11/30/16 09:31 PM)

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#16868 - 01/01/17 11:14 AM Re: Adopted Child & RAD [Re: DadofRad]
DadofRad Online
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Registered: 07/18/14
Posts: 129
Thought I would give a quick update on my son and our legal position. He is in a court ordered residential program. And just like the other three he went to, this one minimizes and under reports his problems and will most likely release him in 4 months with the plan to step down to another foster home. I think it's harder for the foster home to hide behaviors and I will certainly be in contact with them regularly to get updates. More than likely he will have more meltdowns in foster and then get placed in another resident program, so we will just keep cycling back and forth and we continue returning to court ever 6 months. At age 16 he can age out in a program to just stay in a program until 18, and he can stop bouncing. Our visits are good but he saves his outburst for the primary caregivers. Some Doctors and case workers have suggested termination of parental rights, but our lawyer says to defer to her on that topic as it has major legal impact. I told her privately, if we can we would like to terminate, but that option usually does not come up. So we continue dealing with social workers, lawyers, court dates, and required family counseling but at least he is not in our house and MAYBE they are helping him.

My psycho boss continues to disgrace me and harass me and make me miserable. I will began applying for a new position.





Edited by DadofRad (01/01/17 11:17 AM)

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#16870 - 01/06/17 08:46 AM Re: Adopted Child & RAD [Re: DadofRad]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi DadofRad, always appreciate the updates. If it is appropriate to ask, what is the thinking that it isn't okay to terminate the relationship?

Do you think part of the issue with these foster care people under reporting is because the personality type of the people running these places feel that there is a cure for everything? I noticed that pattern when I used to read at a RAD forum. They seemed to have a high tolerance for brushing issues aside and some thinking that hugs would cure. They would actually say that while at the same time advocating locks and cameras in the house like one would find in a prison to make sure they woke up the next morning. I always thought if they really thought that hugs would cure these kids, why the feeling they might get attacked during the night thus the alarms on doors etc.

Also the other pattern in that group that seemed to be shared by most of the members was that somehow the bio-parents were to blame. I always thought as though as it must have been the parents got out of the situation to save their own lives and family not that they were lousy parents to begin with. Or the other possibility would be that the bio parent who gave up was the one the child got the gene from.

I wish you all the best finding a new place to work. It is a no win. I don't mean to sound harsh and negative but really you have your family and life to protect and I don't believe that trying to keep one step ahead of a psychopath at work or life is any kind of win for the victim. Like I mentioned before be very, very careful who you discuss things with at work if anyone. Personally I would not trust anyone with what you are going through. They always have people around them who will report things to them. I am not saying the people reporting things are evil and in most cases they think they are not doing anything wrong. The psychos just have a very clever and evil way of extracting information that could damage in a way that appears innocent.

All my best,
Di

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#16872 - 01/07/17 10:06 AM Re: Adopted Child & RAD [Re: Dianne E.]
DadofRad Online
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Registered: 07/18/14
Posts: 129
Thanks again for your support and feedback. First, there is a distinction here between therapeutic residential programs and therapeutic foster homes. The residential programs are institutions usually with therapists, psychiatrists, and a full time staff for monitoring. They are good programs, but tend to work in isolation, and therefore manipulate records in order to meet their insurance goals. Therapeutic foster homes are just regular foster parents who have gone through some seminars on special needs children in general. They are working basically under the same circumstances I would be in if he were home except they can request special social services if needed. Under the foster, the child will see a private psychiatrist and counselor. Under foster care, I should get a more honest report of how he is really doing. I wonder though if at some point the foster parent will be directed not to communicate with me or to hide his behaviors as well. Regardless, we will be able to take him to our therapists where the truth should eventually come out.

I started putting out my resume on the first, and have already gotten calls. I think my boss is getting nervous as he is trying to explain some of his previous comments. Apparently his bosses treat him the same way, which means the entire leadership has ASPD characteristics. And from what I see of them, I can believe it.


Edited by DadofRad (01/15/17 10:54 AM)

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#16873 - 01/11/17 01:45 PM Re: Adopted Child & RAD [Re: DadofRad]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi, thanks very much for explaining the differences. Kind of makes my head spin. It must be tricky with the reporting from the foster parents. I would seem that kind and caring people would be the types who would extend their homes to these kinds of kids. I guess what I am saying they would seem to have their own filter of the situation and that would vary wildly. I guess the kids would be pretty good at reading the system and working it to their advantage.

That is great news that you are making steps to find new employment. I think your observations are very accurate. Corporate work is a real draw to them, just guessing that the higher up they are the harder they would be to pick out. I hope you have great success and find the right place, the stress at home would be enough without adding a crazy system at work. Glad you are working on moving away from them.

Di

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#16874 - 01/14/17 10:38 AM Re: Adopted Child & RAD [Re: Dianne E.]
DadofRad Online
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Registered: 07/18/14
Posts: 129
The foster parents will be taken in and fooled initially, they will at least have to be honest when major incidents occur. Also, if I develop report they may call me when things get crazy to discuss. It's hard to make that call to the police to report your kid is out of control, but I can explain the need an scenarios where appropriate. Also we will have counseling with him with our Doctor, who knows exactly what he is and is not fooled.

Very Interesting week. We had a conference call with the staff at the institution and my son was online too. I brought up a yelling and cursing outburst reported by the school. The Dr and therapists proceeded to lecture me about only emphasizing progress and gains and not to bring up negatives. I said this is not practical, in a home and school environment we address negatives with consequences, and my son must be equipped to handle that. Shortly after that my son hung up the phone. I called my son to talk about it later and he told me hung up because he did not like the way the staff was talking to me and that I was right. I thought at first, this is a good son, then I rightly thought, he is playing me. Later I asked the staff why they thought he hung up on us and of course they thought he was upset but my negativity. So he acts out, gets attention and uses it to manipulate two parties to his advantage. Wow!

At work my coworker told me that my psycho boss had previously approached him asking him to belittle my work and berate me. I was shocked but not surprised. My coworker told him no, and after that, I notice him treating that coworker more harshly.


Edited by DadofRad (01/15/17 10:55 AM)

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