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#16554 - 03/19/15 02:34 PM Psychopath or BPD?
still_in_shock Offline
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Registered: 03/18/15
Posts: 3
Please help me understanding who have I married.. Here is my story (apologies, it is too long):

He wasn't diagnosed and neither does he admit to having any issues.

I don't know where to begin, as the story got so messy and complicated. To fully paint the picture, one needs to provide the details , but it'd get too long. I'll try to be as concise as I can.

We've met online 2 months before my breast cancer (BC) diagnose. He was 27, I was 31. We've spent online 5 hours/day video skyping, and 2-3 weeks after he sent me flowers proposing to be his GF. I agreed. Even though we haven't met personally yet, the chemistry and connection was intense. I was planning to go and see him in FL, and the day I was to buy a ticket I was diagnosed with BC. The diagnose devastated me as I have no family in the US. I told him ready he'd leave, but he said he'd be there for me. Needless to say, I was stunned and awed in admiration and infinite gratitude. A turbulence of medical events followed and he's been amazingly emotionally supportive, talking to me daily over the Skype. We first met 2 weeks after my radical surgery (double mastectomy), and he left back to his state declaring serious commitment in my regard. That one week of his stay was a fairytale time of my life - he was utterly caring, loving and kind. I was knocked off my feet, especially given my state - a young woman who's just lost her breasts is courted by an amazing, handsome young man who is treating her like a Goddess. A month later, I wanted to fly and see him and a few days prior to my departure he proposed over the Skype to marry him the first day I arrive. Important to mention - between May (when he first came to meet me face to face) and June (when I was flying to just spend some time with him) - he knew he was let go of his work, and so he was becoming unemployed, had over 40K in debts and had nowhere to go. I've been a long-time contract worker for a very reputable agency. Not earning much, but enough to sustain myself. But the fame of the employer I've worked for add value to my credentials and income earning potential.

With no hesitation I agreed to marry -- think about it, if this person not even knowing me agrees to stand by a woman who's just been diagnose with cancer, what other proofs that he's THE special one do you need? I thought if he is accepting me in this state, he'd be there no matter what. So we've loped on month 4 of our acquaintance. And only recently, after the triller shocking story that's happened, I've realized that when were marrying, we were actually seeing each other in person for the second time only.. It never occurred to me then, as I felt as if I've known him for 20 years.

After his release, I've helped him moved to my state (from South to the East Coast). Things were beautiful for little, but then I've started noticing very strange mood swings. He's wake up in the morning not talking to me for no reason, and be depressive and resentful. A day to two later he'd become extremely happy, excited, anxious, chatty and playful. Between the episodes even his physical looks would change. I was so confused, especially because of his groundless feeling of elevated resentfulness and hurtfulness where he'd blame me for every little thing. We've started often having clashes as his constant blames and resenting me started getting to me. Plus, he's been saying very hurtful comments, which I still do not know whether he actually realized what he was saying.

Still technically in our honeymoon stage, I walked on him horrifically cursing me off to his friend over the Skype. Once I walked in, he's turned into a puppy smiling asking how was my day and was just so fake. I was devastated and stunned, as I saw a completely different face of the person I've married. Prior to the moment, that person represented himself as an extreme Godfearing person, conservative christian, church goer, praying multiple times a day, etc. He came from a very christian family, was homeschooled and was virgin when marrying me. And here I am walking on him complaining about me to his friend in horrific profanity and instructing his (single male) friend to | please read | the girls around "rip their pussies" and "never pay for them, for those hungry students"... I was so shocked. At that time, it's been over two months he was unemployed, staying at my tiny place and I've been the one working and covering all our expenses - from food, to rent, to dining out, buying him gifts, etc. And that was when I was still going through all my medical treatments, and all.

Fast forward. He relied heavily on my network of friends and connections in the city to get a job. Once he did, I've noticed his attitude change. He became nosy and not as "worshipping" me as before. 5 months after I knew my job contract was not being extended, and I it was a 6 months notice. The moment I told him (silly me, hoping for a loving hug), he flipped shouting he wasn't going to work for both of us, and that I "must" find a job. I quietly cried, I was hurt. I paid his way through, still weak and sick for 3 months.. Ever since, his attitude has changed and he started picking on things, getting easily irritated and annoyed by everything I go. But, we still did have good time occasionally. But his mood swings towards getting anxious and depressive were getting more often.

Fast forward: 14 months after we've married, I had to travel overseas to visit my family. I was away for 6 weeks. He barely contacted me there, and it was most meet who would reach out missing him and trying to talk. He did not seem to miss me or wanting to talk much. I was impatiently waiting to go back to him and upon my return, he met me with a straight face at the airport and did not talk for 2 days. By that time, I've already knew when he is in his down mood, its better to avoid him, as he'd spur a fight no matter what. Then I finally asked what was going on, and he's exploded fiercely, yelling and shouting at me how much he liked living without me, how happy and liberated he was, and how beautiful it was to come home where there was no me.. The first time I've ask was whether he's met someone. And even to this question, he's attacked me badly yelling I'm such a witch for thinking about him that bad. Previously utterly hypersexual (when he needed to have sex with me daily, several times a day), he was avoiding me physically making excuses being tired. I then realized he was a sex addict, addicted to porn and was masturbating hiding from me, and then was even doing it at work, in the bathrooms..

To my return from the trip, he has completely checked out of out relationship. He started going out with friends, socializing too much (which is fine, as long as I -- as a wife, was invited). But he would not.

Ever since we've married, I was the one insisting he should pursue his graduate degree, as to live in this highly competitive city one has to have one. So I was helping out with info, resources, hints of how to get it for free, etc. I was softly pushing him to prepare for GRE and just work on it. Needless to say, for this push to work on education, he too - was yelling at me mad I was telling him how to live his life. He did apply, and got into the best program with the top university to study for free. And here, as well, I was the one showing his shortcuts and pathways in this city where I lived for 10 years. Only down the road I've found out, moving to this big city was his utmost dream, but he could never afford coming he bc of the cost of living. So the day he got the admission letter (which is a guarantee of a good life upon graduation), I invited him to a dinner at a french restaurant to celebrate. There, he lied to me that the next day he was invited to a home party, whereas I found out on his phone he was arranging for a celebration with the friends he acquired in this new to him city, and was leaving me behind. When I confronted him, he went wild saying "yes, i am having a party, this is the most important event in my life, where I want to see only dear to me people. and you are not invited"... I was stunned.. That day, he came home at 3 am in the morning, drunk like pig. I've managed to check his phone and saw he was at a night club.. My christian, God fearing husband.. I had to call his mom and tell her about his volatile behavior checking if this is something she knows after he son. That enraged him, and he lashed..

From thereon, he's became very emotionally and verbally abusive, especially over the economic matter, giving me a hard time that I was not able to find a job still. He'd pick over the matters of drinking water, me putting things not the way he liked, and just over everything. He'd occasionally get nice and do good things too, like after severe verbally abusing me, insisting on rubbing my feet, or cooking for me. One day in the morning, he called me "fencing b___", yelled at me "to go back to my country" (I was not born in the US) and was so nasty, and in the afternoon he sends me texts as to find what would I like for dinner, and how do i like my salad. Or the other day, he declined to take me to a party with him saying he's not going to pretend there among his friends that things "are peachy between us", and comes home with my favorite flowers.. Or after that time with the secret party, when I was so hurt, I am coming home and I find a pot with beautiful orchids, beautiful dinner (he made spending hours in the kitchen) and deserts... And inconstancies like these were throughout the marriage, confusing and totally draining me.

On month 3 after my return home from my trip (month 17 of our marriage), triggered by that conversation with his mother, he went in rage cashing out our joint account, taking 2/3 of the very scarce savings I've put together while completing my contract, dropped his name off the account and texted me to get myself my own health insurance, as he is not intended to provide one for me anymore.. In the text, he also said he was divorcing me. A couple of days after (when we were already too distant and preparing separation papers), I've told him I've got a new small contract with my employer. A couple of hours later, we drove to the store and on the way back, getting into the car, he scared me with hysterical cry.. He was weeping like a kid, all covered in tears and snot, shaking and bawling that he didn't expect things going this way, he was dreaming traveling the world with me, that he always loved me and etc. I was comforting him, and cried too, as I thought it was sincere and he is regretting his impulsive decision. We left the parking made up, he was not letting go off my hand, clinging to it, and the next few several days he was again all into me, taking me places, having too much sex, etc.

Then followed the week of mistreatment, emotional abuse, and same story. On Thanksgiving he announced he wanted to celebrate it with his family, and he is not taking me, so I was basically left home alone (yet again, I have no family here). Then 2 hours before departure, he changes his mind and starts maniacally insist I am going with him, and did not leave me alone until I agreed. Christmas and NY, the holidays he knew were very important to me and me building the plans for the day months ago, he made sure he'd ruined them for me, saying he did not want to celebrate the holidays with me, and basically sent me away to my friend's. By the time I returned from my friend's (and stupid me, even though my husband was treating me like | please read |, I was still sitting there in TN , ordering surprise holiday cupcake delivery for him), he went to the courthouse getting the divorce papers.

In January 2015, he announced he is moving out and so should I. All this time, he was secretly looking for a place for himself, and once he found a nice deal, he declared I should be out of the place too, as he's not going to pay for the rent. I was still between jobs, with no income, with only $1500 that he left me. To my objection to move out, he enraged and was acting wild, yelling and saying very hurtful things. He then started threatening he'd be evicting me with a court, to which I responded "well good, finally I'll have a chance to tell people how you've been treating me". He started insulting me I was none in this country, had no rights as I am not a US citizen, and none would believe me. I went through a nightmare of searching for a place (being denied applications as I don't have a stable income), arranging for a big move, searching for pro-bono legal consults and many other stressful matters.. It was hell.

Today is day 23 since we've separated. Only now, the reality is sinking in, and I am still in shock processing what's happened. In a matter of 2 years, my husband went from the person I view as a saint into extremely abusive husband who's kicked out his unemployed wife with a medical history to the street in winter planning to revoke my health insurance.. In a matter of 2 years, with him, I lived from a fairytale like love story and to an horror movie like ending.

I know its long. And I have dropped so many cases of his crazy behavior... I have so many examples of volatile behavior of his..

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#16555 - 03/19/15 06:31 PM Re: Psychopath or BPD? [Re: still_in_shock]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Still In Shock,

I am not clear what this means:
Quote:

After his release, I've helped him moved to my state (from South to the East Coast).


What was he released from?

Typically both psychopaths or BPD's don't get diagnosis unless there is a situation that causes them to. I say typically because I know of a few cases where they did submit to a diagnosis under assumed names. The real issue isn't so much his diagnosis but I am not sure what your question is?

He doesn't sound like a BPD to me more along the line of a psychopath who saw you as a way out of his situation based on what he was saying.

I am suspecting the first few months that you were in constant contact that he was a very good listener and used a great deal of effort to appear to get to know you?

Have you met his mother and what was her reaction to your call?

The problem with these people is of course they have to be nice at the beginning to lure you in. I am not sure what your question is. Are you thinking it is a good or safe idea to remain with him? He may be doing all these things to get you to leave him so it is easier on him. I am not clear on your current living arrangement. Will you be able to stay at the place without him? Is this the same place you were in when he moved in?

I think he could be a lot of things, but none of it sounds healthy from what you have said so far. I am sure it must be very upsetting, but it is important to separate the issues. By that I mean to take a hard look at what it has become vs. what it was in the beginning. Do you think that is possible at this point?

Have you considered that his mood swings and impression of being depressed could be part of an act to keep you off balance and feeling sympathetic to him?

Di

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#16556 - 03/19/15 07:04 PM Re: Psychopath or BPD? [Re: Dianne E.]
still_in_shock Offline
member

Registered: 03/18/15
Posts: 3
Hi Di, thank you for your feedback. What I meant by "release" - being let go off the Navy. Which is another mystery. A friend of mine is insisting on having finding it out why had the Navy let him go so soon? Barely one year after the joining. And their initial commitment is usually 4 years at least. But he got an honorary discharge. I checked the papers he had, but didn't find any specific details as to why except for the "honorary discharge".

His mom never called me, and only contacted once via FB just to say she was praying for me. I know he brainwashed his whole family that I am the mentally ill one. I saw his text correspondence with his mom where he was saying how bad he feels for my mental state, and while he doesn't love me as a woman anymore, he still cares for me as a human. And that he feels sorry for me being crazy.. His mom/family takes all he says for the gospel truth and I last saw her telling him she too feels so bad for me, but my behavior is so outrageous and she hopes this situation (him divorcing me and leaving in such a difficult state) "will bring me to my knees". The last one is the exact quote and I don't know what she meant - she is an ultra conservative christian woman and i think she might have meant to the knees to pray her God; or - to my knees in a submission and regret?.. She is in disbelief of my "behavior" as described and twisted by my husband. He NEVER told me how he's been mentally, emotionally and verbally abusing me at the end, however was passing to his mom every single word I was telling him in response. And when his words are taken out of context, and I am quoted as saying "the first thing I am going to do after we divorce is to have a baby, so f** you" -- would indeed sound bad. He quoted every single thing I've sad in anger to his mom. So the baby thing was said when I saw him flirting texting with a girl 8 years younger than me on FB and telling her "I am finally divorcing my wife, cannot wait. I've married but then found out she was mentally ill. Thank God she didn't get pregnant with an anchor baby!" So when I saw him saying that my heart bled.. He knew how much I wanted kids with him... My number one priority in life is to be a mother and have children and family. So once we married, I was really asking for a baby but he was absolutely against it. Following BC, doctors really insist to have children sooner and have OBGYN preventative surgeries. So it added more motivation for me to have kids, but he wouldn't care even for a serious medical reason. And then I saw him saying "anchor baby" about what could have been our child. And I remember him using that term re: illegal immigrants saying people cross borders illegally "drop their babies here as anchors to stay in this country" and he's used this term against me...

And I was here in the capital 10 years before I met him, educated and good professional, whereas he (white american low skilled southerner) could never come here and it was the biggest dream of his. I remember when he first moved to DC, someone asked where he was from and he said in a very narcissic tone "Well, I am a Washingtonian" Oh my, it sounded so annoying then.. So now he is so proud boasting to his friends and family that he lives in DC, in the upscale area, works at X place and will go to the #1 graduate program for free.. I am so stupid.. I remember he was adjusting his CV based on mine. I sent him the winning graduate level essay of a friend of mien who went to Ivy league school and he wrote his essay in an identical style with opening remarks in an exclamation direct speech, etc. Just now I've realized that was the reason he didn't want to show me his essay for a while, because it was so close to the one I've shared with him as a good example. I had to persuade him to show me his, and took him over a week to finally show it to me. His major motto in life is "fake it till you make it" and he did fake it so well.

My question here was - based on your guys thorough knowledge of psychopathy, does he sound like one? Because I was very convinced he was a borderline. But then I came across an article about psychopath and he match the criteria as well.. So I am confused now. And in general, BPD and psychopath symptoms sound very similar.





Originally Posted By: Dianne E.
Hi Still In Shock,

I am not clear what this means:
Quote:

After his release, I've helped him moved to my state (from South to the East Coast).


What was he released from?

Typically both psychopaths or BPD's don't get diagnosis unless there is a situation that causes them to. I say typically because I know of a few cases where they did submit to a diagnosis under assumed names. The real issue isn't so much his diagnosis but I am not sure what your question is?

He doesn't sound like a BPD to me more along the line of a psychopath who saw you as a way out of his situation based on what he was saying.

I am suspecting the first few months that you were in constant contact that he was a very good listener and used a great deal of effort to appear to get to know you?

Have you met his mother and what was her reaction to your call?

The problem with these people is of course they have to be nice at the beginning to lure you in. I am not sure what your question is. Are you thinking it is a good or safe idea to remain with him? He may be doing all these things to get you to leave him so it is easier on him. I am not clear on your current living arrangement. Will you be able to stay at the place without him? Is this the same place you were in when he moved in?

I think he could be a lot of things, but none of it sounds healthy from what you have said so far. I am sure it must be very upsetting, but it is important to separate the issues. By that I mean to take a hard look at what it has become vs. what it was in the beginning. Do you think that is possible at this point?

Have you considered that his mood swings and impression of being depressed could be part of an act to keep you off balance and feeling sympathetic to him?

Di

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#16557 - 03/19/15 07:10 PM Re: Psychopath or BPD? [Re: still_in_shock]
still_in_shock Offline
member

Registered: 03/18/15
Posts: 3
We live not too far from each other - perhaps 3-4 miles away. I always lived in this area of the town (safest, nicest), then he came and found a job nearby. To him its the fame to live in his neighborhood. I know where he lives, I do not think he knows my address. He may guess if he needs to since its the place I used to live before and I brought him here when we were looking for an apt previously. I told him I liked his place, so he probably know I'd be back here. But then, given how absolutely disinterested he became in my person, moreover hated me as his worst enemy, I do not think he'd be looking for me or needs me. I am sure he's chasing another woman at this point, as I am quite confident that was the reason he was going nuts as to get rid of me ASAP (he was in such a hurry as if the train was leaving and he needed to catch it). So he's pretty preoccupied now. I don't think he'd ever want to see me. Last I saw him, he couldn't wait to divorce me. He was counting days.

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#16558 - 03/19/15 09:14 PM Re: Psychopath or BPD? [Re: still_in_shock]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi, I think some groups tend to bunch the diagnosis into one huge lump which I personally do not nor do I agree with it. They are very distinct from my own personal experience. My mom was a BPD and the huge difference while she may have been difficult and confusing to a child and even as an adult she was never what would be the same or someone whom I would describe as evil. She did clearly have a conscience which is where the dividing line is between them and us. That doesn't mean that some psychopaths may have comingled diagnosis.

The actions he took with you appear to put him in the category and knowing more of your interactions can help you to also see the differences. That is why I always encourage people to write their story there is something about seeing it in writing that helps to see things more clearly. It can also help you to process the relationship so that you are not at risk at attracting another one. This is something that also can happen; another one will show up but just look and act differently but without really understanding how the first one got to you; it can be a revolving door.

In general, they look for a “type," and that is generally someone kind and caring. Hard telling about his military release so soon, maybe they felt that, for some reason, they were better off letting him go without getting tangled up. He could very well have set up the arrangement that it would be in the military’s best interest to cut him loose.

His mother may either be fooled by him, which is possible, or maybe he got the gene from her, and she doesn’t see that anything can be wrong on his end.

How exactly did you meet him online? Did he spend most of the time in the beginning asking you questions and appear to be a great listener?

I wouldn't be so sure that he might not circle back around at some point, frankly that happens a lot. I think you need to prepare yourself in the event that he does that you don't answer and have done some work on boundary issues to insure it won't convince you it was all a big mistake (him leaving) and take him back.

Di

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#16606 - 07/21/15 04:08 PM Re: Psychopath or BPD? [Re: still_in_shock]
Wowser Offline
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Registered: 07/21/15
Posts: 4
To me this is a valid question. I only kicked my bf out two weeks ago so I am still in the thick of this nightmare.
I have been struggling between the two disorders myself...and it does make a difference which one it is because one is much more treatable than the other. I haven't told my story on here yet; but I will (I'm on my phone and will go blind if I have to text the whole story with two fingers). I need advice and clarification myself.

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#16607 - 07/21/15 06:22 PM Re: Psychopath or BPD? [Re: Wowser]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Wowser, I will look forward to reading your story. I think it is a very important thing to clarify before going off and declaring someone a psychopath. I totally disagree with these groups that just lump them all into a pile.

Di

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#16608 - 07/21/15 09:15 PM Re: Psychopath or BPD? [Re: Dianne E.]
Wowser Offline
member

Registered: 07/21/15
Posts: 4
I agree, Dianne. One is worthy of empathy, the other not at all. At the moment, I am trusting my instincts and treating the situation as if he is a psychopath. I am alone with two children and I am being protective. However, I don't want to continue treating him as an evil predator, if I am wrong.

Here's my story.

I actually went to high school with the guy. However, he was several years ahead of me and I never knew him at all; just the face and the name. About four or five years ago, we became friends on social media. We chatted about superficial things and told each other where we were in our lives. I told him I had a boyfriend at the time and he followed with a sexual comment. I ignored it because he made it sound like a joke. I'm no stranger to men lacing their conversation with sexual innuendo so I didn't think much of it and just passed over it as best I could. We didn't have another conversation after that but he remained on my social media account.

Fast forward to one year ago from now.

I received an unexpected message from him, saying that he was leaving one state to travel to another, and was passing through my area on the way. He would be staying in my area for a week. Would I like to catch up after having not seen each other for 25 years (since high school)? My first instinct was I didn't want to go, but that was because I had just had a bad experience with a narcissist (I have always known I'm an empath, but didn't know until recently that I attract these kinds of people...anyway, that's a whole other kettle of fish for me to deal with another day). I ended up deciding to go, only because I knew him from my childhood. I mistakenly assumed that that would mean I was safe.

He was the perfect gentleman. Always opened the car door for me (which I found chivalrous), asked me about myself and let me talk on and on and on. I did notice that he never said much about himself; but that made me like him more, because my ex was a narcissist who never stopped going on about himself. I thought he was very humble; which is one of my favourite attributes in others. In hindsight, I realise I gave him so much information to work with. I have always been very open and for the first time in my life, this has brought me undone.

I saw him for two nights in a row and he went on his way. We kept in contact and visited each other a couple of times over the following month. He was courteous, kind, a good lover. He loved to cook. He was intelligent or so I thought in the beginning - it became obvious over time that he kept recycling the same information over and over. He would even tell me facts that I had told him previously, like it was the first time I'd heard them and he had accumulated that knowledge on his own. It happened so many times, I thought it was a bit odd.

This story is going to go on for awhile so I'll apologise for that now smirk

As I started to fall for him, he became a little distant. I don't mean geographically, although he was a plane ride away from me. I mean with the correspondence. He had told me that his ex-girlfriend had treated him bad and he was being cautious, but that also the geographical distance between us was difficult. This made me identify with him more because we had both been hurt. One day I sent him a message outlining exactly how I felt and he decided to come visit me. We spent a few days together at my apartment but he was still holding back. I decided not to pressure him and leave him to his own choices. The day he left, $250 of my money disappeared. It was my child support from my ex and all I had done was collect it at the front door of my house and walk back inside. I DO have a habit of misplacing things so I thought that maybe I had dropped it on the way back into the house or it was in another pocket somewhere or something. I told him about before he left and he seemed genuinely concerned as he helped me look for it. About a week later, when he was back where he lived, he sent me $400, saying; "I can't let my lady and her children suffer." The truth is, I DID suspect him, but I ignored the bloody warning because all I heard was 'my lady' and the fact that he had given me $150 more than I had lost.

Things began to heat up and he sent me love quote after love quote, until he called me to say that he was in love with me and let's start a relationship. It was only 3 and a half months after our initial meeting that our relationship was in full swing. He made me believe that we were soul mates. He must've said 20 times that I was the female version of him. I couldn't believe how much we were alike, how well he treated me, how great we got on. We liked all the same things...from food, to occupations, to life goals. We had a similar past. Both our fathers were abusive arseholes. We hated the same things to. He said he'd never met a woman as intelligent as I and that he found it incredibly sexy.

I think it's important to note that I suffer with anxiety and am on medication for it. He divulged that he too has depression and is on medication and I finally felt like I had a partner who understands what it's like to live with an invisible mental health issue.

Cutting a bit of information out; a few months later we decided we wanted to live together. Initially, myself and my children were going to move to where he was; a country town where I had no friends or family. I have always been a bit of a gypsy and have traveled a lot so that didn't bother me...plus I hate the city so welcomed the idea of a change. I told my friends and family what I was planning to do, much to the dismay of the father of my kids. At the last minute, he changed his mind; said there was no work where he was and he would move to me.

So he did. From the very beginning, he virtually ignored my children. He's never had any of his own and said that was the reason. That he was trying to adjust to the situation. I am very understanding so I went along with it and was patient. All he wanted to do was have sex with me...at inappropriate times...like when my children were in the living room. I am ashamed to say that in the beginning I complied. I will forever be angry at myself for some of the things I did where they could overhear. But he kept telling me it was a natural act and nothing to be ashamed of. God. I feel sick.

Pretty much from the moment we lived together everyday, his mask would occasionally slip. Days of depressive moods, blaming my children for EVERYTHING, trying to convince me they were bad and being so behind my back (no-one has ever accused them of anything even remotely close to bad. In fact, I have always received compliments about their conduct from friends, family, teachers), having a violent, verbal outburst at my son, telling me how to run my children and my house, trying to poison me against my ex (more than I already felt),demanding sex when I was working (I work from home), silent treatment, sulking...you name it. You would think this would make me run, but he only peppered my life with these things; the rest of the time he treated me like I was the best woman on Earth.

One morning I found him face down on the lounge after a depressive episode (he had stopped taking his meds) and was unable to rouse him. I actually believed he was dead at first. I called his sister who is a police officer to come over and she came to try to reason with him. She was really supportive but she said to me, "You know, he's amazing when he's on his meds and not when he's off them." I said to her, "I'm not so sure about that." I realise now (after a visit to his Mother), that he has been fooling his own family for decades. I think it's also important to note here as well, that he had a brother who committed suicide (sorry, he always got angry when I mentioned the word; 'committed'. 'Suicided' I had to say...actually there were a few terms for different things he insisted I use) nearly 20 years ago.

The next part you can choose to believe or not; but it's the truth. I still had not ever entertained the notion that he would hurt me. He looked me right in the eyes several times and told me, "I would never do anything to hurt you" with such sincerity that I believed him. I started to dream about 'twins' about a month ago. Night after night after night. Then I was bombarded with people and the media mentioning 'twins' wherever I bloody went! I even posted on social media; 'WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE TWINS?!'. It was relentless. I started having palpitations every day. Then the gut instinct hit me 13 days ago but I still didn't understand why. I tricked him into letting me use his phone and went straight to his messages. Lo and behold! Woman after woman after woman. We must've struggled for ten to fifteen mins for that phone and I am still covered in bruises today. I actually had to bite him on the hand because he was over the back of me while I hunched on the floor. I kicked the arsehole out. While he was gone, I bypassed the password on his computer and found out it had been for the ENTIRE relationship. I found photos, messages, you name it. It was like a filing cabinet of girlfriends past, present and future. I found his ex-girlfriend's number and called her. My GOD! What he did to her!

The last two weeks can only be described as hell and I already know I am going to need counseling after this. I have barely left my home. He has terrorised me with too many suicide threats to count and oscillates between declaring his love for me and threatening me. Passive aggressive threats and when they don't work, nasty ones. Message after message after message. He continuously plays the victim and tries to lay the guilt trip on me. I have barely slept or eaten the entire time and I am in distress. I still have some of his things here and his two dogs. I still haven't gone to the police yet. For two reasons; I initially thought he needed serious help and at first thought I could provide it...and because his sister is a police officer, she supported me and I didn't want it to affect her. I got his last message just 5 minutes ago and realise he will never, ever stop....EVER. Obviously there is more....but far out, I could write a book before I'm done. I just want him to leave and forget he ever existed but I feel stuck in a nightmare I can't escape. I have stopped working, laughing, and look at everyone like they are one of these things. I have just witnessed him have a complete meltdown and I do not know that person. He looks different, moves different, sounds different. NO AMOUNT of literature can prepare you for this. It is the most incredible, frightening thing I have ever come face to face with.

Sorry Dianne, I know you'll probably have to edit this. And don't bother going out of your way to answer my initial question about BPD. I just answered myself. He is a textbook psychopath and I will never look at the world the same again frown Thank you for listening.

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#16610 - 07/22/15 04:53 AM Re: Psychopath or BPD? [Re: Wowser]
Wowser Offline
member

Registered: 07/21/15
Posts: 4
I just wanted to add...that after me kicking him out, he stopped going to work. He now has no job, no home and no money and is concentrating all his attention on me...begging me to come home. I have done a lot of reading and I know he was just beginning the 'devalue' stage...he did not have time to set up a new victim..though he must be busting his ass to find one now! I also said earlier that he has been fooling his family for years but not to the point where they are completely oblivious. His mother told me that his behaviour started at about 16 and he would always boss his younger brother around. She thinks he is carrying the guilt of that behaviour in correlation with his brother's later suicide. She said a lot of other things too and gave me a number for a domestic violence place. I also find it interesting, that his sister who had come here a month earlier, said if anything happens while she was away (she was leaving for overseas a couple of days later and is still there), he could go and stay there until her return (his mother lives in the back of the property)...but his mother told me that they had decided to change the locks on the side gates, just prior to the sister's departure. They obviously know a lot more about him than they let on...and that's their prerogative. I know that blood is thicker than water. The thing they don't realise is, that they are just as much a target as anyone else. Now and in the future...and they are good people. He went to his Mum's last week and he told me that she said he couldn't stay there...yet I had spoken to her on the phone just one or two days prior and she had made me (perhaps unintentionally) feel guilty for dropping some of his clothes to her place. Said I may be 'antagonising' a suicidal person. I understand why he can fool her so easily, because she has already lost a son to the same thing...but the f*&%ing guy is acting! The entire thing is fabricated to garner sympathy and to make me out to be the devil and not him. INCREDIBLE!

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