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#16681 - 12/05/15 09:12 PM 13yo Psycho Daughter + Ex Wife with NPD
dubx Offline
member

Registered: 11/23/15
Posts: 3
Loc: PA, U.S.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. I'm finally finding validation and you all have given me the courage to share my story and remain open to the possibility that I might find closure some day.

That is, at least.. Until one of these psychopaths contacts me again.

My ex wife was active duty in the U.S. Navy when she was diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder(NPD). This was late in 2006. Some time around November of 2011 my daughter, age 9 at the time, was diagnosed as having Oppositional Defiance Disorder(ODD). No therapist, psychiatrist, social worker or healthcare worker has ever told me that psychopaths and narcissists are part of the same continuum. I never knew my child's mother was essentially a psychopath with higher functionality until I joined this forum. And I've ever grateful to be here. Thank you, indeed.

I left my ex wife in 2007-2008 and took my daughter with me. When she returned from deployment in 2008 I sued her for custody and filed for divorce. My daughter and I had been taken in by my parents. After close to five years in therapy and being seen by a psychiatrist, she was diagnosed ODD. At that time her therapist eluded to the fact that ODD is typically a label given to children whom are too young to be labeled a psychopath with absolute certainty. They wanted to prescribe anti-psychotic medication for her, but I was convinced she could still feel and receive love.

My daughter's behavior grew increasingly out of control and I was told by her therapist that she idolizes her mother and will exponentially make my life and anyone else in it a living hell until she gets to be with her mother. After much heartache and pain, I forfeited custody. It was the only way I could get the kid to pass the 3rd grade. The two psychos have lived 2,000 miles away from me since 2012 and are still wreaking havoc in my every day life. I've been flying my daughter out here over the past three years during the summers and this past summer I was finally convinced that she is indeed a complete psychopath.. The dragon is at her gate and my daughter will never be seen again. If, in fact -she had ever been seen in the first place. A question that has burned through my soul for many years now.

During the 8 years of our marriage and the subsequent experience I had with her mother, I renounced religion and forthwith resigned whatever faith I had left in any thing else. Today I have little tolerance for any kind of faith in general. In many ways it's a struggle not to be consumed by this ever expansive black hole. Even from 2,000mi away.

From day one -I never witnessed that woman establish any kind of genuine bond with her daughter. None. To this day I am completely baffled as to how on Earth my daughter interprets her mother to be some kind of goddess. To be in the same room with the woman over the course of 8 years drove me to question my very existence. I was sure my daughter had to feel that same fractious indifference. As long as I were home with the two of them, I was the only one responding to the child's needs. When she was less than two years old I can remember being on the phone with my mother and emphatically expressing my observations that this woman didn't appear to have any desire to be a mother.

Over the course of the next five years or so, my ex wife's rampant infidelity and substance abuse led to her picking up my daughter from preschool intoxicated three different times inside of thirty days(2006). Each time directly opposing my fears and concerns. Not only did she risk causing vehicular homicide, she also risked the preschool contacting child protective services and also risked my job each time I had to call out or leave early during that month. Not to mention the affect she was having on my daughter who was 4-5yo at the time. During those years it became a battle just to get the woman to spend 1 hour on Sunday playing with the kid. She used outside stimulation to manipulate her reality and control me with her own self delusions. I saw her pathological lies and deceit as leaving scars on my daughter and myself. She would pit my daughter against me and convince co-workers whom she brought into our home to party with that my daughter and I were simply roommates unrelated to her. She would escalate her extremes of infidelity and total lack of personal responsibility by provoking physical altercations between her 'liaisons' and myself inside our home where I was basically raising a child by myself. When called upon to defend her actions she acted is if I were a fool for having emotions. As if there should be no concern at all for the impact it was having on my child.

My daughter's defiance and rebellion and complete lack of impulse control had it's inception during these early stages. She became increasingly more and more difficult to control at preschool. I do not have one recollection of that kid ever playing nicely with me, despite my many efforts. She never wanted you to actively play with her. She forced you to watch her play. Not pick up any toys and pretend any thing or find a way to have fun together. When she did pick up toys, she never actually played with them. She only banged and slammed them around with no apparent rhyme or reason. This kid talked like a baby until she was 11 years old and didn't stop until privileges were taken away as a result. She hoards food and steals food and insists on making sure she can have whatever food remains before anyone even sits down. -to this day she does this. She's dirty. She won't bathe unless you make her do it. You can not be in the same room with this kid -without her manipulating your constant response.

And that's no exaggeration. Every normal daily function or attempt to make forward progress in my own personal life has been perpetually thwarted by this child for 13 years and still are thwarted in more ways than not. And no matter however full my hands might've been during my marriage to that psycho, I never got any help. Never. I did the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the bills, worked full time, woke that kid and bathed that kid and responded to her sick undying need for my constant reaction without that woman so much as ever batting an eyelash to help. I was completely exhausted and broken and watching my daughter's behavior spiral into madness while this woman amassed at least 8 different sexual liaisons that I know of. The only reason I didn't insist on her having an abortion when we learned we'd be having a baby is because she had already confessed to having had 5 other abortions previous to my involvement with her. And I don't believe for a second she only ever had 5 before our marriage, let alone however many she may have had during our marriage.

Her escapades reached such proportions that she no longer tried to hide it. She would bring people to our home and socialize throughout the apartment complex with neighbors until she was getting sexually explicit with people right in front of me -and my daughter. On one occasion after having sex with an upstairs neighbor during a party, when confronted, she tried to tell me that she had been sexually assaulted by him. When that wasn't enough to provoke me into violence, she took the next opportunity to start a fight between two other sexual liaisons of hers.. in the parking lot right outside of our home. She got herself in between the two fighters and I had to remove them from her to avoid her getting injured. On another occasion before I had knowledge of her interaction with the neighbor upstairs, she brought me up there during one of the many weekend parties that were beginning to blow up around my home.

Unbeknownst to me, there was a plan between her fellow revelers to drag me into an escalation and I was attacked from behind when attempting to leave. To make a long story short, I was arrested that night for assault. For defending myself from a situation that a psychopath manipulated. Furthermore, after having reached my end, I attacked this individual from upstairs when he was outside my front door. Jealousy had nothing to do with it. These people were destroying my life -and my daughter's life. When I attacked him four of his friends beat me to the ground and I had to be taken to the hospital because of a stab wound to my left bicep. I was completely sober. When I was at the hospital, my ex wife arrived. Drunk. Without my daughter. When I arrived home I found my daughter in the parking lot at 4am. My blood was all over the parking lot, our living room and into our bathroom and our front door was wide open. People were passed out in my living room and in my daughter's bed. I couldn't go on any longer..

After having custody from 2008 thru 2012 and flying my daughter out here for the past three summers I think I may be on the brink of making the conscious decision never to see that kid again. This, of course, would likely be interpreted as sacrilege by my immediate family members.

Still not convinced the child was a psychopath, I had approached this past summer with an optimistic attitude. Hoping to get involved with her social life because I know her mother is not. Hoping to connect with the kid because I know wholeheartedly that her mother is completely detached.

About a year ago I was able to finally meet a woman whom I feel is capable of receiving the love I have to give. She and I had high hopes to spend the entire summer being this kid's social support as she develops friendships and navigates her early teen years and all the subsequent mine fields therein.

This is the most attentive, loving woman I've ever met. Hands down. She was fully informed about my psycho ex wife and the fears and concerns I had regarding my daughter. My daughter arrived here and perpetuated a lie that continued unbroken from the moment she stepped off the plane until about three weeks after she'd flown back to start the school year. The depth and the extent to which this 13yo child was capable of constructing a complete ruse is utterly mind blowing.

The two of us rational, mentally and emotionally present adults were led into an entire social structure of friends complete with each interpersonal relationship between half a dozen teenagers. To the extreme that we understood the dynamic of the group and how each and every independent personality responded to the other. On a daily moment-to-moment basis for nearly three solid months we thought we were helping the kid to navigate every single text message that we thought she was actually receiving. It was summer. I didn't want to separate her from her friends. I wanted her to be able to integrate the two of us adults if and when she needed us.

We took her to the airport heartbroken. But spirits were high between the two of us adults because I'd felt like it was the best summer yet for my daughter. It felt like she knew that she could rely on us. We set her up with a laptop and laid out plans for her to have the option of real-time communication all throughout the school year for whatever problem she might encounter. But right before we took her to the airport my daughter waited to get me in private and indicated a desire for me to go into the future without this beautiful, loving woman that sacrificed her entire being to support myself and my daughter throughout the whole summer.

I couldn't understand it. This woman, as far as I could tell, had just spent the past three months bonding with my daughter in way that I have never seen any other woman form such a bond. And then, reflecting on the trip to the airport, the both of us couldn't quite understand how we could be so heart broken and were unable to detect any emotion in my daughter -other than frustration when we wouldn't tell her what surprises we'd back in her luggage. Her behavior seemed extremely odd to the both of us. I still wasn't connecting any psychopathic reality to this kid. Not without her problems, don't get me wrong.. I at least knew there were mental illnesses that needed attention. But a psychopath!? C'mon.. My life's been pretty screwed up, but what are the chances?

After she was back home and after school had started, my daughter sent me a text message explaining how some unknown man was contacting her and claiming to be her real father. I've had DNA test results since 2010.. When I contacted her mother to find out what was going on, her mother explained very calmly that this group of friends -is not real. The entire summer was a complete and total fabrication executed with laser precision and single-handedly perpetrated by a 13yo predator who set out to destroy the relationship I'd entered into -with the love of my life.

Right now, my mother and father still communicate with that psycho via text message. If she had a broken arm, they say, they'd be there to heal it. If she were sick, they'd give her medicine. That psychopath was medicated when she arrived here this past summer and it made no difference at all. None. Right now her psycho mother has her in therapy. She's been prescribed Concerta(I think)and Prozac(fat lot of good for a psychopath) -and her mother's biggest concern isn't the magnitude of lies this kid is capable of, but the amount of weight she gained while here.

I'm grateful to be 2,000 miles away from these very twisted individuals and quite frankly I have no pity for whatever it is that's caused their condition, either one of them.

If I played a role in any of it, it was a mistake, I'm a human being that can only bend but so far. I don't care WHAT made them this way. If you want my personal opinion, they should be kept in cages. I've lost the past 15 years of my best intentions to these psychopaths and I'm not equipped to enter so much as 15 more minutes

And I face ridicule from my family because of it. They have faith, you see...
_________________________
dbx

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#16682 - 12/07/15 02:08 PM Re: 13yo Psycho Daughter + Ex Wife with NPD [Re: dubx]
Notmyfault Offline
member

Registered: 11/05/15
Posts: 17
As the mother of a now adult psychopath I so understood your frustration. My son was also diagnosed Narcisstic Personality disorder, conduct disorder which I was told over and over was only not being refered to as psychopath because of the age.
I was more surprised that at first you felt she was bonding with your new friend, Who you are makes no difference, a Psychopath cannot bond. When she turned on you, that actually made more sense. My life was a constant whirlwind, I moved, changed schools went to counseling, even had fantasies of moving him and go to a small Island, where it would be harder to get in as much trouble. I started studying psychopaths for other reasons when my son was age 12. He is now ( if he is still alive) 31. As smart as I was on the subject I too would fall into denial. These children. Make you feel probably as inadequate as a child can make there parents feel. As a counselor I always believed small children don't make up horror stories. But they do and often he did. He would steal and cry and say it was really me, not him. He would put marks on his body and claim his big brother did it ( I always believed him till over and over the proof of his lying was there). And later find he did it to himself. He was fearless around animals that others would not be. His lies were pure crazy making. Reality hit when he was 17 and when I refused to give him something he called the police right in front of me and said I was beating him. The police knew him, it was a small town. But he glared at me as he said " I feel like. A battered woman and nobody will help me. I knew then he could destroy anyone and it could all be a lie. I didn't get in any trouble because they knew him. I still tried off and on to stand by his side, till he stole from the Mexican Cartels and they kidnapped him in retaliation. He would call telling me they wouldn't let him out of Mexico, I wanted to hire a lawyer, but in the end he said it wasn't so bad because they bought hima Rolex watch, I never talked to him again. I plan on writing a book, so I won't go on too much, but I do understand. He could charm anyone and did and then easily stab them in the back, it is heart breaking

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#16683 - 12/08/15 11:28 AM Re: 13yo Psycho Daughter + Ex Wife with NPD [Re: Notmyfault]
dubx Offline
member

Registered: 11/23/15
Posts: 3
Loc: PA, U.S.
Notmyfault, thank you for understanding. At the same time, my heart breaks for you. Your son is now 31 and to think of the destruction he's caused in your life and what you still go through as a result.. Despite your best efforts. Despite your greatest intentions. ..it angers me. I'm not sure what angers me more, is it the fact that we as victims can't put these individuals in cages and get on with our lives, or is it the fact that so many others who haven't had the experience of having to be responsible for and having to raise a psychopath seem to have no understand or compassion what we've been through and what we've lost. Speaking for myself, I feel incredibly judged. In part by some family members who ought to have at least some inclination of how destructive this can be. But, mostly I feel judged by the rest of society at large. Finding work is almost impossible. I have such a broken work history and have moved so many times over the years and an assault charge brought on by a life with a psychopath that no one will give me a second glance. I'm suppose to have open heart surgery and can't get approved for disability because they've determined that I should've been able to just snap my fingers and adjusted to other work. How could I have possibly done that while married to a psychopath and virtually being solely responsible for the psychopath she gave birth to? And if you dare mention to anyone in the general public that your life has been completely screwed because of your involvement with a psychopath, they start looking at you like there's no possible way you could've ever even met a psychopath and that you must be the problem because they think you are arbitrarily diagnosing any one that rubs you the wrong way as a psychopath. People who haven't suffered at the hands of these monsters have zero understanding and zero compassion for our plight. It truly does feel as if my soul has been murdered. Like I'm a living ghost. Unseen and scoffed at by critics with no compunction or capacity for understanding. It actually offers a great deal of comfort to know that you're writing a book, Notmyfault.. As I sit here now, I'm not sure what you'd call it, but I'm feeling energy that just wants to hug you and let you cry. Projection, maybe? I guess I could use a good cry, myself. .. So deafening, so defeating is this nightmare. So shattering
_________________________
dbx

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#16694 - 01/29/16 04:04 AM Re: 13yo Psycho Daughter + Ex Wife with NPD [Re: Notmyfault]
dubx Offline
member

Registered: 11/23/15
Posts: 3
Loc: PA, U.S.
"I was more surprised that at first you felt she was bonding with your new friend"

-I thought all three of us had bonded. It wasn't until the end of the summer when my new friend and I realized there hadn't been any bonding at all on my daughter's part. For her, the entire summer had been a lie. When she met my new friend, neither my new friend or I were accounting for a psychopath in any of our calculations.

I'm not sure why you would be surprised to find that some one had been fooled by a psychopath. Psychopaths are masters of manipulation.

My daughter contacted me again last night. In dealing with a psychopath, I have to remember not to have an emotional reaction. At all times, I am keenly aware that this person is lying to me and attempting to manipulate me and trying to dominate my existence. Without the paralyzing sadness, pain and fears that come from losing the child I thought I'd been connected with for many years, and loved for many years...I have to remember that what she is saying to me is a lie, that she will exploit any love that I lay down for her with this sick compulsion to manipulate and dominate every action and reaction of my entire existence and she will not stop.

At first, she might seem like she could bond with a therapist or social worker, teacher, police officer or some other innocent child in the cafeteria. Psychopaths do that quite well. I'm not surprised at all.
_________________________
dbx

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