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#16845 - 11/20/16 04:53 PM Please help: is my husband a psychopath?
anja Offline
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Registered: 11/20/16
Posts: 2
Hi, im new here and I really hope that someone can help me. I am totally alone and have no family. I hope someone takes the time to read this. I think my husband might be a psychopath!?

I met and married my husband 2012. I came from Germany to America for work. I never really had family or relatives. My father had just committed suicide. But I left home already when I was 17 and was always working in England. My mother wasn't close to me and my stepfather nasty, so I left early. My biggest problem was always: loneliness.

He was my boss. He has no problem holding jobs and tends to overwork. He flirted sometimes with me and said "hello sunshine". I noticed a bit up and down: Attention and withdrawing! But i thought it was nervousness. Within 3 months working there he asked me out 3 times, but I always said no. He always said ok but then always after a while started flirting again. So I started to fall for him. He liked my religious views and the way I dressed so modest. After 3 months he walked passed me and said into my ear: "You know i love you! But sometimes love is only one sided." That really touched my heart so I met him and told him I love him too.

Back then I had really strict religious views and sex before marriage was not permitted. While dating we sometimes went over my comfort zone and I cried so he offered me to marry because then I will not cry anymore. I accepted as I wasn't able to separate but also didn't want to lose him or my religion. In the 3 months we dated he told me: that he had only one woman in his life and she died 2008 of cancer. He has 2 grown kids. I asked him a lot of questions to make sure that he is a good man. No smoking, no drinking, no drugs etc. I was very impressed that he was 49 and had only 1 woman so far.

He told me that they divorced 2001 as they had 10 horrible years. But that he married her again in 2005 to help her to get on his insurance for her chemo! He went back and forth between saying she was like Hitler, that she was very controlling, very jealous, made his life hell, sat with a baseball bat on top of him when he woke up. And at some other times he said she wasn't all that bad. He also said she threw him often out of the house and didn't want him to be with his family. He said that she asked him to separate from his family and when he said he can't, she divorced him.

He told me that he was a naughty child who got into troubles. When I met him he was super nice and feeding me grapes. He was very loving and attentive. The only problem coming up was that he only wanted short and sweet conversations. I said I need long ones and asked him if we can meet in the middle, he said yes. We married behind his kids back as he was worried they won't accept me.

While we were dating we had 3 strange incidences when he got angry too quick and said something out of order, which we always fixed again. One of those times he withdrew from me and wasn't sure of me anymore, which I didn't know, but then he came back and was very involved again.

At the wedding he told me with tears In his eyes that he will make me as happy as possible as i don't have family. 2 days later, just because I wanted to talk a little longer he got mad and said: "I got 72 hours to annual the marriage, tomorrow I will do it!" I was totally in shock!

Next day he cried and took it back. He promised he will never do it again! But he continued with it. Almost weekly he said "I'm leaving you". Something tiny would make him mad and he would change 25 opinions about me, blame me, stonewall me, say he's leaving, and even often say "I kill you", or "I bury you in the kitchen". He told me when he gets angry his emotions completely go away.

He was putting knifes into my face and always told me to stop to talk, he said my talking bothers his brain and he always mentioned headaches, noise and tightness. In between those times he would say: "I love you more then anyone, I want to be with you forever, and he would be extremely giving and kind". He would say he's a natural giver, give too much, and in his bad time blame me for being too needy.

He was always around 6-7 days good and 5-6 days bad. I thought that something must be wrong with his brain. We went to a psychiatrist as he didn't like my talking got mad and put a pillow on my face. The psychiatrist said "I think he's bipolar rapid cycling". But it wasn't convincing. He was 78 years old. Another psychiatrist was 74, he was joking and laughing with him, but when I entered the room I told him how brutal my husband really is and he said: well then I agree with my colleague he must be bipolar rapid cycling. I believed it although he never shows depression and can sleep and work.

So for the last 4 years my husband was always 1 week very nice, giving, loving and taking all the blame. But then for 1 week angry over nothing, blaming, lecturing, twisting, ignoring, violent, cold and brutal. He would also completely change back and forth ALL his opinions about me and the marriage.

In his good week he always said: I'm against violence, nobody deserves it, i totally like your personality, it's all my fault, I only can't talk long because it hurts my brain, I'm sick, nothing is your fault, I am willing to get help, I love you more then I ever loved anyone....

In his bad week he always said: you deserve violence, it's your fault, I don't like your personality, I am not sick you make me sick, I will never take drugs or go to a doctor again, if I wouldn't be your husband I wouldn't be your friend, go and get yourself a boyfriend for talking, f yourself, [censored], I hate you, I don't care if you die....

It went back and forth like this for 4 years !!!! One week good and one week bad!! He was always swearing he doesn't lie but in his bad times he said he lies hundreds of times. But in the good weeks he said he never does.

There was never reasons for him to get angry, as im a very nice and loving person. He would always get mad over nothing, overreacted and turn cold for a week. There were also weird things like when he came home and said: what did you put in my food that I married you so quick? Or he was holding my legs and I got scared and tried to pull away and he said: see, how easy it is to get violent?

One day he came home and said that he wants to sign up for a program to go to mars, he said it was in a Turkish newspaper. I first laughed but he went on and on! He said it's 8 years training and they look for volunteers. He said he will come back after but wants to do something good for mankind. I didn't believe it but he went on until I cried and said: but don't you mind to be separate? we just married! He said no and got mad! He said how selfish I am and that women let their husbands go to war too! He said I shouldn't always think of myself! And he said he doesn't mind to be separate for 8 years! He also sometimes said that if I would ever find someone else he would not be upset but send me flowers. Every time he got mad he said he doesn't love me. One time I asked him how he would feel if I said that to him. He said he wouldn't be hurt and just wait for 2 weeks and ask me again.

When he was upset he had an unbelievable emotional coldness and brutality. He even told me in his good times that at the bad times he wouldn't care if I drop death! That he loses his emotions. When we watched a movie together he wouldn't understand why I want to talk afterwards. He would say: "why talking about it? We both saw the same movie". I'm a shallow guy. I still don't know what my sister died of. He also never showed deep interest in my life or past. He said he's a shallow guy and thinks I'm too particular and too deep. He says I make connections between events and I'm not normal for talking long and connecting things and that I challenge his brain!
After one year my health was so bad and weight so down. I always tried to figure him out. I wanted to know if the abuse was intentional or if he was only sick! He constantly walked out of the room in the middle of conversations and said stop all the time.
Most conversations went in circles so I developed a system of writing down questions. So every time a bad week ended and he had bombarded me with his bad thinking of me, I would write it all down and ask him short questions. I told him I need it. He would answer them all, and take it all back again. I was able to then always believe him that he doesn't lie and that his real thinking is the thinking in his good days! I used to believe he is bipolar even though he never had real depressions.

One incident I can particularly remember! It was in the year we married. I checked his phone and found for the previous year messages from a Russian girl who was very strong with sending him love and kisses. She wanted to meet him again in turkey and said he was the best she ever had. They were writing up to our wedding day. And then he written to her that he can't meet her as he is now in a serious relationship. I was very surprised as he said he only had his ex wife and never dated anyone else, especially not after she had died.
The next day I confronted him.

He told me for 20 mins that the year before we met he was in turkey with his cousin and met that Russian girl in a hotel and she liked him but he didn't like her that much. But he still befriended her in case it changes. She kissed him only quickly good bye when she went on a bus. He only met her once and no sex. I was not fully convinced of his story but very kind to him. Suddenly he turned around and said: I DID sleep with her, I had other girls too, my ex wife was right I'm a liar and cheater, i will cheat on you too, once a cheater always a cheater. For 2 hours he was telling me how he cheated on his ex and where, and how bad he is. He said: you better leave, as sooner or later I will do that to you too! I was totally in a state of shock and devastation! I was breaking down and crying. He said he is also devastated but looked completely cold. He showered, brushed his hair, cooked his breakfast, dressed, all while he told me how bad he really is!!! I was totally sobbing and standing there and telling him how devastated I am!
After 2 hours of pure hell I said: so this is now the true story? It was perfect acting and I had no doubts but I simply asked because I couldn't cope with what he said! And surprisingly he said: "no I lied! I made that story up because I didn't want another woman who is jealous like my ex wife, so I invented that story to make you leave me!" I was shocked and said: why did you stick with it for so long? And he said: because I thought it was best. I said: you are messing up my brain. And he said: yes I'm the devil messing up your brain.
My trust got more and more damaged. But he always turned back to the nice guy again who would do anything for me, never got angry and had very good opinions of me.

By December 2014 I had heart racing, breathing problems and was very skinny. We were still very close as he always turned back to the over the top guy. I thought I was dying and he wanted to help and give space. He went into our car and slept there for over a year. I have no proof but I believed it. But even with that he went back and forth: darling I understand you need space and I don't mind being in the car. The next day he would say: I hate you for putting me in the car! He would go back and forth on everything! Anything what happened he would always blame me and stay bad for around 5 days. He would be very cold and ignore me! After that he would be super kind and take it all back. My list of questions always saved my sanity. He promised he will do them until we are in Germany and he can see a doctor.

Since April i am now in Germany to have 8 operations for my own health! The plan was he will come in march next year and go to a psychiatrist. We write every day. But the problem is that for the first 4 months I called him only 4 times as I couldn't handle my operations and my fear of calling him. I'm always afraid of his anger and getting hurt. In August he stopped his vitamins and I always felt they help his moods. He said he doesn't need them. It took me one week of suffering to convince him to take them again. I promised that if he does I will call him regular. But then I had 2 eye operations and didn't call him. He didn't complain much. But on the second of September he was suddenly not reachable for 3 days. I almost called the police. On day 4 he written and said he was on a cruise and didn't know he will have no reception! He said he needed a break and was alone. He said he will never stop to contact me again. On the 8 of October a storm hit Florida and I heard that 1 million got evacuated. After 2 days no hear from him he posted in Facebook a photo of the beach! I said I thought he died again. But he said: "take a chill pill, you always look for reasons to harass me, you don't call so you have no right to say anything!" Ever since then he is completely changed! He said the opposite of stuff again and i send him my questions. But he said he will NEVER do my questions again!!!!

Since 6 weeks he is now saying that he will never answer my questions again!!!! Every day I write and say I can't cope with my operations and I can't eat. But he alway says no and also ignores me. Last week he said I made his life hell for 5 weeks. No matter how much I suffer he doesn't want to do what we always did. He still says he loves me but he doesn't turn back to the good guy anymore. The so called bipolar cycles of one week bad and one week good is completely gone !!!!!!

I am now scared that he was never sick and just lied to me for 4 years in our good times. I'm scared that the real guy is the guy who treated me bad and has very bad opinions!

I also found out that in the last 2 months he added 33 people on Facebook and 12 women! He writes with 2 or 3 girls. And I got no idea who they are. He sends me money for my operations but he rents our bedroom to other people behind my back! I also found out that the day he went on the cruise he send a friend request to a girl in turkey and she accepted, she flew to Florida the next day, and has photos from the same cruise ship. It's only her on the photos and nobody else. But he commented and said: the man took nice photos!!!!
Now he went on a ship again but this time with an old guy! He was never social before and never had friends! He totally changed!
My older lady friend in America send him now an email saying that I'm dying and not eating as I am so confused because he always used to change back to the nice guy! And that I need to ask him my questions. She said I'm in an extremely bad condition and very low weight. He was still saying I shouldn't make rules and I said it was our agreement because you used to be violent. But then he calls me a drama queen and that he doesn't want to talk about the past anymore! Then he ignored me again! I apologized I haven't called and want to call him but not if he doesn't answer all I want to know.

I saw a psychiatrist in Germany last week who said it's not bipolar and it sounds like a personality disorder. I checked the symptoms for a psychopath and I feel he has them all. Can somebody here please tell me if my husband sounds like a psychopath?


cry

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#16851 - 11/30/16 07:09 PM Re: Please help: is my husband a psychopath? [Re: anja]
DadofRad Online
member

Registered: 07/18/14
Posts: 129
That is a very complex situation you are In. None of us are qualified to diagnose your husband online. A doctor cannot even do that. There certainly are a lot of psychopath traits there. Go through Dr. Here's checklist. But for.your own safety and sanity I would recommend getting away from bim.

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#16852 - 11/30/16 08:02 PM Re: Please help: is my husband a psychopath? [Re: DadofRad]
anja Offline
member

Registered: 11/20/16
Posts: 2
Originally Posted By: DadofRad
That is a very complex situation you are In. None of us are qualified to diagnose your husband online. A doctor cannot even do that. There certainly are a lot of psychopath traits there. Go through Dr. Here's checklist. But for.your own safety and sanity I would recommend getting away from bim.


Hello, I know that nobody can diagnose on here. But people here I'm sure have a lot of experience with psychopaths and could tell me if it "sounds" like one? I would really appreciate a lot of personal opinions to some of this behavior. Because I can't get help anywhere else really and I written that long text to get help. Thanks

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#16853 - 12/01/16 03:57 PM Re: Please help: is my husband a psychopath? [Re: anja]
DadofRad Online
member

Registered: 07/18/14
Posts: 129
You reported a lot of psychopath characteristic. He is impulsive, manipulating, threatening, controlling, it sounds like he makes elaborate plans to harm you, he is arrogant, self centered, and shows no remorse, empathy, or regret. Yes that sounds like ASPD at least and most likely a psychopath. However, I am basing that only on what you told me and I am not a professional.

Personally, I have been playing armature psychologist with my new boss. I am convinced he is the same for the following reasons. He has anger management issues, he goes out of his way to correct me about minor things, even how I sneeze. He is continually condescending, and will professionsally put me down in front of peers. He has made efforts to blame me for things I did not do (gaslighting). He us constantly threatening to get rid of me. He shows no remorse for his behaviors and will never appologize voluntarily. He is vain and always puffs himself up while putting others down. Others in the office cant stand him either. So is he just a prick or a psychopath? Not sure, but I am deciding to avoid as much as possible, and not take any of his actions seriously. If I confront or report him he will most likely just be vindictive, so I will allow myself to be victimized by him because as he does others notice and think poorly of him.

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#16854 - 12/02/16 05:38 PM Re: Please help: is my husband a psychopath? [Re: DadofRad]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi DadofRad, one thing I would suggest with a boss like this is to be very careful who you talk to about it in the office. They always seem to have people who will tell them things. Sometimes people will do it innocently and sometimes they could have a "pet" person who feeds them information.

I am very sorry you are in this situation. You have enough on your hand without one at work.

Di

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#16855 - 12/03/16 05:58 AM Re: Please help: is my husband a psychopath? [Re: Dianne E.]
DadofRad Online
member

Registered: 07/18/14
Posts: 129
Thanks I need to keep that in mind as a lot of people ask me how I'm doing now, knowing the situation I'm in at work. Also, may I add, that after knowing my sons characteristics so well, there are feelings that resurface when confronted by others psychopath traits. I feel put down, fear and dread of being around that person, feeling like I'm in a no win situation, uncertainty of how he may erupt at any given moment, manipulated or bamboozled. Yet, at the same time, I feel justified, knowing that this person is off base, unreasonable, and unable to see his flawed character. These feelings so match what I feel with my son, I cannot help but make the correlation.


Edited by DadofRad (12/03/16 12:50 PM)

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#16856 - 12/03/16 09:13 AM Re: Please help: is my husband a psychopath? [Re: DadofRad]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
It must be horrible to have one in the family plus at work.

They are extra sneaky in getting others to speak to them about situations. I would caution anyone who even thinks they are involved with one to really tightly circle the wagons on who they speak to. One never knows. I don't think people always tell them things to be evil but that is just how good they are at extracting information.

I took the fall from a corporate psychopath many years ago. I was a contractor so they had better ways to get to me. In the end it resulted in a lawsuit. I did prevail but it isn't anything I would recommend, took 5 long hard years. I was amazed when I read the "files" she had on me. The lying was incredible yet she was able to get people who knew me much longer than her to somehow believe some pretty outrageous things.

In these kind of situations my advice is always, be careful who you trust because you could be laying your own trap.

Di

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#16857 - 12/03/16 09:02 PM Re: Please help: is my husband a psychopath? [Re: Dianne E.]
DadofRad Online
member

Registered: 07/18/14
Posts: 129
That sounds like a horrible situation you were in. Is that what sparked your interest in this forum? I am pretty careful with what I say and who I say it to. I want to think that the worst they can do is fire me, but you are right, he could frame me for some misdeed and I would end up in court. That's why I do not want to confront him, because he could be vindictive like that.


Edited by DadofRad (12/04/16 11:06 AM)

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#16858 - 12/04/16 08:22 AM Re: Please help: is my husband a psychopath? [Re: DadofRad]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
In an indirect way. I was home after having my designs stolen and reputation ruined and the Internet was available. I was really just trying to keep my mind busy. I started looking up subjects that I had been interested in. One day I looked up psychopaths because I was always interested in true crime stories. I wondered about the ones that would never end up in prison. That has always been of interest to me, the ones roaming around who will destroy more lives. and never end up behind bars.

I really started the first forum just as a place to store information, this was pre-Google. Word got around and people started showing up and posting. The interesting thing the first people were parents. I actually learned what I had been dealing with one day someone mentioned the eyes and I had a flashback to that moment in time when I saw those black evil eyes. Then some friends at the time who had a crime site offered to host my forum and I thought it would be a good idea to test the idea. I was sad to move from their site but had to because I didn't have any say in who could post and frankly the victims in my section were not that comfortable being hosted in the same site talking about murders etc.

I would not recommend any kind of lawsuit with a psychopath. I did prevail in the legal sense but it is a very ugly thing to get involved in. Any kind of confrontation with a psychopath has high odds of not turning out well. We just can't think and act like they do (thankfully). For them it is about winning, not about what is fair.

Keep your head down and hope he gets a promotion and out of your life.

Di

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