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#16891 - 03/05/17 09:01 PM At least he is dead
gratefully_widowed Online

Registered: 03/05/17
Posts: 2
There's so much to my story, and I'm scared to put it all down.

He's not coming after me. The dark triad psychopath I was married to for the best part of 30 years, without any idea of the evil within, is dead by his own hand, and I am very gratefully a widow.

It's prying do-gooders who I don't want to find any details and decide that it's my story, and I'm keeping this at a pretty high level.

Gaslighting. Enormous unsecured personal debt. Sex workers. Mistresses. Child abuse against my kids I knew nothing of - and my poor daughter assumed I knew. Pedophilia - not his own children, but that's no consolation. I strongly suspect gambling but have no evidence except for the huge debt and some odd behaviours in the last few years of his life. Isolating me socially from all I knew. Instilling social anxiety in me, so bad that a trip to the supermarket became impossible, and I have a morbid fear of social media, enough to cause a panic attack. Beating down my self esteem to the point where now, some 18 months after he took his own life, I feel so inadequate as a human being I am embarrassed to draw breath, feel like I don't deserve food, and am developing an eating disorder.

I've seen a number of psychologists over the time since he died, some provided to me through work, one I was referred to by a friend, and another by my doctor. If anything, I think I am in a worse state after their "help". A clinical hypnotherapist helped a bit, for a while, but it seems to be a bigger problem than hypnosis can help with.

None of the psychologists seem to actually have any handle on what I have been through, or what I am going through, and my family doctor is scratching his head trying to understand how gaslighting works, and how I didn't see though my husband years ago.

The only social group I had told me to "come back when you've recovered" because apparently I was upsetting a woman whose husband died of cancer the day before mine offed himself, because my style of grief wasn't considerate of her. I did read the book "Liberating Losses", and have a better understanding of their response to my grief, but that hardly helps. My reaction to the death of my husband, such as he was, was as valid as her reaction to the loss of hers. I did celebrate surviving the 12 month anniversary of his death with a very good bottle of French Champagne shared with a dear friend who is terminally ill, and it was an awesome afternoon.

I have no extended family support either. My father was an violent alcoholic Psychopath, my mother was his alcoholic enabler, and my brother (who I believe to be like my father) has recently been threatening me because I wasn't afraid to speak the truth about my father after he died recently. I didn't compromise my wellbeing by going to his funeral, either.

I needed to come to somewhere that people have some understanding of what I've been through and am still going through. It's been like a 15,000,000 piece jigsaw puzzle with no picture, and a lot of missing pieces. I think 18 months on, there's now just a few edge bits and a couple of holes to fill - but that may never happen.

All his stuff is gone. I have changed the house to suit myself and the kids, and it's vastly different than when he was here. My lawyer (my absolute hero) fixed all the matters arising, and the debts just went away. I should have a clear runway at my future, but I'm bogged.

How do I pull myself up from this? I seem to be going down further into an abyss. I want to get moving on, but the constant trickle of revelations of what he was up to seems to have had me stuck. I have worked out more of what he was doing in the last 2 days - and it's coming onto 18 months now.

#16892 - 03/11/17 06:41 PM Re: At least he is dead [Re: gratefully_widowed]
DadofRad Offline


Registered: 07/18/14
Posts: 68
I will not say I'm sorry for your loss. I am glad that you are free of him. Unfortunately it is not as easy to be free of the fear, lack of trust, wounds, and regret from all he has done to you and your children. No one can really understand what you have been through except a fellow victim. It is too easy to rationalize, blame the victim, or judge you.

Know that the wounds you hold and the lessons you have learned do serve a purpose, if nothing else than to help you recognize a psychopath in your life or the life of someone you care about. You understand something about mental illness that only our elite group does -- there are people who are brilliantly manipulative, have no conscience or empathy, but can pretend they do and even fool most professionals. You have an ability to recognize that, which puts you ahead of many psychiatrists (not that they will listen to you).

I would only recommend that you continue to reach out and live again like you did with the champagne. Rediscover the things you love and do them with people you trust. There is a song I love "tell your heart to beat again". Listen to it on YouTube. There is a powerful video with it too.

I am also learning to stop obsessing about my psychopath. I have learned that thinking about him only feeds my pain and sorrow. I constantly want to figure this out and solve this puzzle, but finding out what he is and getting him out of your life is as much as we can hope for. I am learning to consider certain thoughts poison to my soul. One of those thoughts is thinking about my son. Someone once said, I think it's from the book the socio-path next door, the best revenge you can get on a psychopath is living a happy life. If he gets you down, and keeps you down, he wins. As we know, its all about the game to them.

Edited by DadofRad (03/11/17 07:23 PM)

#16893 - 03/23/17 04:36 AM Re: At least he is dead [Re: DadofRad]
gratefully_widowed Online

Registered: 03/05/17
Posts: 2
Thanks for the reply. I agree that it does serve a purpose.

I have saved a friend from a marriage to a Psychopath, before the fact. She's caught on to his nature after a lot of prodding and provision of literature by me over a period of weeks to months - only to have her mother, a retired psychologist take one look at his emails and categorise him the same.

I'm still struggling along. It's been a very bad week for my mental health. Suicidal thoughts because I feel so inadequate as a person. I had a psych appointment this morning, it seemed to help for once.

The eating disorder has morphed a bit into Protein Sparing Modified Fasting, which is better than Anorexia, and I have some body fat that needs to go, so for now I am working within the rules of PSMF, but if I get low in body fat and am still dysfunctional, I'm going to need more targetted help.

I have had to take a restraining order against my brother. I believe he is every bit as much a Psychopath as my father was. I really don't need more rubbish from my family of origin, but they are toxic, so what else would they do? Apart from blame the victim, which they are highly skilled at.


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