There's so much to my story, and I'm scared to put it all down.
He's not coming after me. The dark triad psychopath I was married to for the best part of 30 years, without any idea of the evil within, is dead by his own hand, and I am very gratefully a widow.
It's prying do-gooders who I don't want to find any details and decide that it's my story, and I'm keeping this at a pretty high level.
Gaslighting. Enormous unsecured personal debt. Sex workers. Mistresses. Child abuse against my kids I knew nothing of - and my poor daughter assumed I knew. Pedophilia - not his own children, but that's no consolation. I strongly suspect gambling but have no evidence except for the huge debt and some odd behaviours in the last few years of his life. Isolating me socially from all I knew. Instilling social anxiety in me, so bad that a trip to the supermarket became impossible, and I have a morbid fear of social media, enough to cause a panic attack. Beating down my self esteem to the point where now, some 18 months after he took his own life, I feel so inadequate as a human being I am embarrassed to draw breath, feel like I don't deserve food, and am developing an eating disorder.
I've seen a number of psychologists over the time since he died, some provided to me through work, one I was referred to by a friend, and another by my doctor. If anything, I think I am in a worse state after their "help". A clinical hypnotherapist helped a bit, for a while, but it seems to be a bigger problem than hypnosis can help with.
None of the psychologists seem to actually have any handle on what I have been through, or what I am going through, and my family doctor is scratching his head trying to understand how gaslighting works, and how I didn't see though my husband years ago.
The only social group I had told me to "come back when you've recovered" because apparently I was upsetting a woman whose husband died of cancer the day before mine offed himself, because my style of grief wasn't considerate of her. I did read the book "Liberating Losses", and have a better understanding of their response to my grief, but that hardly helps. My reaction to the death of my husband, such as he was, was as valid as her reaction to the loss of hers. I did celebrate surviving the 12 month anniversary of his death with a very good bottle of French Champagne shared with a dear friend who is terminally ill, and it was an awesome afternoon.
I have no extended family support either. My father was an violent alcoholic Psychopath, my mother was his alcoholic enabler, and my brother (who I believe to be like my father) has recently been threatening me because I wasn't afraid to speak the truth about my father after he died recently. I didn't compromise my wellbeing by going to his funeral, either.
I needed to come to somewhere that people have some understanding of what I've been through and am still going through. It's been like a 15,000,000 piece jigsaw puzzle with no picture, and a lot of missing pieces. I think 18 months on, there's now just a few edge bits and a couple of holes to fill - but that may never happen.
All his stuff is gone. I have changed the house to suit myself and the kids, and it's vastly different than when he was here. My lawyer (my absolute hero) fixed all the matters arising, and the debts just went away. I should have a clear runway at my future, but I'm bogged.
How do I pull myself up from this? I seem to be going down further into an abyss. I want to get moving on, but the constant trickle of revelations of what he was up to seems to have had me stuck. I have worked out more of what he was doing in the last 2 days - and it's coming onto 18 months now.