When you're in a situation where you don't merely have Low Self Esteem, rather you have No Self Esteem, how do you get to a healthy place?

I am struggling with feeling like I am unworthy of food, oxygen, anything really.

I have no social circle, no extended family, and my self-esteem is so low, and my social anxiety so bad that I have no abiity to mix with people I know, let alone with people I don't.

I feel like I am a bad person by association with my late husband. He did some truly dreadful (criminal) things.

I am seeing a psychologist regularly, and I am having regular hypnosis for Self Esteem, but it's like treacle in winter. No a lot of movement. The hypnosis does at least seem to help. The psychologist - she's a good doorstop. Just sits there, doesn't achieve much.

I've tried the self-help exercises and checklists that abound on the internet. They make me cry. Asked to list 5 good things about myself, I honestly can't. I feel like if I try, I am lying, or talking myself up when I have no right to do so. Asked to "celebrate the little things", I am reduced to tears. I have never been "allowed" to celebrate the BOG things, let alone mark any smaller things in any way.

My 50th birthday last year, my kids chucked an enormous tantrum and basically wrecked the day. I had been looking forward to my first birthday without my late husband, he would not have been there to ruin it. Plus it was my 50th. The day upset me so much that I am now reduced to tears any time I think about it, and I am thinking about it lots, because it's my birthday next week.

How does this get better? It's 18 months since his suicide, and 12 months since I discovered the worst of what he'd been doing. I was in a relationship with him for 32 years. I read that it can take a year for every year of the relationship to recover. I will be dead by then, or such a geriatric that I won't be capable of much.

I want a life, a social circle, a significant other as part of a healthy relationship. In hindsight, I have been loneley, manipulated, controlled my entire adult life. I need a normal healthy life. But I am stuck, and I don't know how to move forwards.