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#16936 - 06/14/17 03:44 PM My Psychopath sister married a worse psychopath
Healingsis Offline
member

Registered: 06/14/17
Posts: 4
Loc: california
My sister is five years younger than me. We didn't grow up together after she was 12 as I went away to college. She didn't affect my childhood other than insisting on being the golden child in her teens and frankly I was happy with my life two counties away. I have been reading about psychopaths and NPD for months because the last 20 years with my toxic sister have finally been put into a context that makes sense. I'm here because, although I'm No Contact, I'm helping my elderly mother heal from emotional abuse of my sister. My husband and kids agree with me but do not want to hear about psycho or anything she does. Psycho's antics have kept my mother and I trying to avoid her outbursts and suffering for projecting our sense of decency on her. Sister has no desire for peace or reconciliation. She targets holidays for drama.

I would like support in remaining no contact, dealing with her crap and not having it enter into my happy family life with my husband and kids. I would also like help in assisting my aging parents with her emotional abuse. My parents and brother and I are all healing in our own way and see the patterns to varying degrees but my mom (age 82)can still get hooked easily. I can also get emotionally triggered by the psycho but have managed not to react outwardly. For years, I excused her nastiness because she always plays victim and she's envious of my life and I was trying to be patient for family peace. When my intuitive daughter was 10 she told me Aunt Psycho doesn't like you (11 years ago).

Things have really gotten bad since psycho sister married a man I now believe to be a Psychopath. They are educated, own a home, and at this time have 3 biological children. Psycho has tormented by mom with not allowing her to see or have a relationship with the grandchildren since they were very young. My mom hasn't seen them in a year, prior to that it had been almost a year. Psycho has cut out of the biological children's lives: three aunts (including me and in-laws), a step child, my daughter, my brother and my mom unless she hoovers around to start the cycle again with my mom. It has come out my sister has gossiped and lied about me to many in our extended family and convinced my parents for years of terrible things about me and my husband.

The serious offenses:
1. Their oldest daughter (my sister's step-daughter) has been banished from their home since age 14. She just turned 17 and lives with her single, biological mom. Three years ago, We found out the stepdaughter had been cutting herself severely for over a year, was being given the silent treatment and started drugs and ran away. Her therapist stated she was emotionally abused. This became part of a school report.
2. Psychopath husband convinced our entire family his ex-wife was bi-polar and an unfit parent. He has never paid child support and has been a nightmare in custody hearings. Both he and my sister broke up his previous marriage, defamed and harassed his ex-wife for many years. My sister was also married at the time and they moved Psychopath into her home while her husband still lived there.
3. Sister brags about how her blank stare on scares her kids and they ask her to put on sunglasses.
4. They've manipulated tens of thousands of dollars from my parents and pitted them against each other.
5. She has tried to bait me into a public fight where I would sound obsessed and petty for over 4 years. I have her blocked on all social media.
6. She is on social media all the time. She pathologically lies. She uses flying monkey's all the time to cause drama in our family.
7. She has projected on me (to our extended family) that I am "just mean", and things she has done to me she tells people I do to her.

Thanks for listening. My father's health is bad. My mom needs peace as she is the caregiver and she deserves a pleasant holiday without the crap.
_________________________
healing sis

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#16937 - 06/16/17 10:07 AM Re: My Psychopath sister married a worse psychopath [Re: Healingsis]
DadofRad Offline

member

Registered: 07/18/14
Posts: 85
Welcome. This community is small but hopefully we can support you. As you review the post here you will find many tales of victim at various stages of discovery, acceptance, and healing.

I find it interesting that this psychopath married a psychopath. Typically, they seem to be attracted to those they can victimize. Does your mother or father have any idea that their daughter might be a psychopath? Do they at least realize she is manipulative and turns family against each other? Asking your mother to exclude her child from the Holiday's may be too much to ask, but at least try to establish that they should set clear boundaries to maintain peace. If they are too weak to set that, you can always just set your own boundaries in that you will leave if certain things are said or start to happen. Or just stay away and visit your parents when she is not there.

My situation is different because the psycho is my adopted son. Yes, the Holiday's are worst of all, and I have made it my goal over the last 3 years to have him institutionalized as much as possible, so our holiday's are visiting him remotely when we want, on our terms. Last Christmas, we had Christmas dinner at Denny's Restaurant, took him to a store and then dropped him off again. Even those visits can be stressful for us, not because he is acting up, just because we are so on the edge when we are around him because we never know when he might blow up. I really don't know how or when we can let our gaurd down and really be friends with other families to begin healing. It's always difficult to let people get close, because if they do, they may find out of little secret and just won't understand and conclude that we must be horrible parents. Even the question, how many kids do you have is difficult, because if we tell them the truth they will ask about the missing child.

Keep posting, we all need each other's support.

Dadofrad


Edited by DadofRad (06/16/17 10:23 AM)

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#16938 - 06/16/17 11:19 PM Re: My Psychopath sister married a worse psychopath [Re: DadofRad]
Healingsis Offline
member

Registered: 06/14/17
Posts: 4
Loc: california
Thank you for writing. I can only imagine having this going on in your immediate family and trying to explain it. I'm a parent and I would feel conflicted. I believe my sister has NPD. She has married a Psychopath or psychopath and he definitely is the one in charge. She is a covert abuser and he is much more dangerous. At this time, she's the one who's working. Because he's had free time, he cancelled his biological daughter's (1st marriage) medical insurance (Covered California) while she is in therapy and after a hospitalization to try to financially hurt his ex-wife. It's been resolved but they create crisis all the time, act the victim, manipulate money, avoid taxes, have illegal rentals on their property etc. He is not working because he has had two businesses be taken over by their investors due to his "tyrant" behavior and inability to work with others. He's an inventor. Enough has happened over the years to lead me to believe he abuses my sister. I've stayed in contact with his daughter (they abused her terribly: she was cutting and attempted suicide. My sister still wants to destroy her and works at it). I've just tried to make sure my mom and I acknowledge her birthdays, Christmas and let her know that she didn't lose almost her entire extended family because she pissed my sister off 3 years ago when she was 14. The abuse and destruction is unbelievable and it never ends. Thanks and I'll keep you in my thoughts.
_________________________
healing sis

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#16939 - 06/17/17 12:16 AM Re: My Psychopath sister married a worse psychopath [Re: Healingsis]
Healingsis Offline
member

Registered: 06/14/17
Posts: 4
Loc: california
with regard to my parents "knowing" about my sister. They acknowledge she has a personality disorder. They acknowledge she has done countless terrible things and lied. My mom has said she would raise her differently if she had it to do over. They know. They have the luxury of being protected by me and my brother. The abuse has been particularly mental for my mom the past year and she knows and acknowledges how much she is hurt by it. This is progress. I know they fear her too and boundaries have been set for some things. (They can't stay at my parents house when they're in town.) At this time, I do not plan on ever being around her for things like holidays. My mom fears getting her around me too. I'm a trigger for her. I last saw them a year ago.
_________________________
healing sis

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#16941 - 06/18/17 11:13 AM Re: My Psychopath sister married a worse psychopath [Re: Healingsis]
DadofRad Offline

member

Registered: 07/18/14
Posts: 85
Sound like you have a solid understanding of what is going on and have set firm boundaries. I continually struggle between my love and hope for my son, with what I know is the reality of the situation. Keeping him out puts me in a manipulative role, in that I am not parenting as much as I am trying keep record of all of his questionable behaviors in order to justify keeping him out.

Dadofrad

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#16942 - 06/19/17 06:59 PM Re: My Psychopath sister married a worse psychopath [Re: DadofRad]
Healingsis Offline
member

Registered: 06/14/17
Posts: 4
Loc: california
I've just read your posts. I'm sorry this must be awful. I do understand the importance of a normal home life for your other kids, wife and you. Having a safe home where you can all develop family traditions etc. without the constant manipulations is so important to your other kids. All I can say is the psychos grow up and cause a lot of pain and problems. I have also watched my sister mirror behaviors and then use them on others. take care.


Edited by Healingsis (06/20/17 12:58 AM)
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healing sis

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#16945 - 06/25/17 08:55 AM Re: My Psychopath sister married a worse psychopath [Re: Healingsis]
DadofRad Offline

member

Registered: 07/18/14
Posts: 85
Thank you for your support. It has been somewhat horrible for last 5-8 years and before that very difficult.

Here are a couple of thoughts I had lately about psychopaths:
As I was thinking about movies and media, it dawned on me that most of the films covering this are from the 80s. Whereas, now I believe these characters are more prevalent (mass shootings, terrorist, etc), there really isn't much media attention to the subject or a sign that society even want to try to understand what is happening. I'm not sure there is any good explanation for this except to blame it on the Internet and smart phone age where we are all so amused and consumed by trivia, we don't have the patience to think deeply about complex subjects. Plus everyone lives in their own political bubbles to the point, they rarely thoughtfully interact with people of differing viewpoints. I also blame the APA for changing definitions and diagnosis so many times, and being so politically correct, it makes it almost impossible to label someone without being stigmatized. Anyway, that's my soapbox for the day. What are your thoughts?

I watched We Need to Talk About Kevin again and was surprised that I noticed so much the second time how the mother was dealing with PTSD. I saw how emotionally scarred she was, isolated, having flashbacks, simply struggling to survive, and also saw that I was feeling much of the same. I wondered what the path would be to come out of this. I know I have to keep pressing forward, and not to stop caring about personal goals and goals for my family. I may not be able to fully participate in local communities yet, but I can still find satisfaction in enjoying little things in life.

Dadofrad


Edited by DadofRad (06/25/17 10:34 AM)

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