>>I have been through exactly this cycle. what makes them drop you and return?<<

Algaringo. . .it is ALL about POWER and CONTROL. First they put us on the pedastal. . .then when they secure our love and devotion. . .we are devalued. . .less than garbage. Then. . .if we are dumped by them and start putting our lives back together without them. . .they return. As long as we are depressed, upset, reeling from shock they seem happy almost. The minute they see we can make it without them. . .OR any indication that we are moving on. . .they return. And then. . .they begin the loving/creation stage. It is the P game. For me it stopped when I found this forum and began to read, study and accept that I had been a P magnet. I work hard every day to break the cycle and old patterns of behavior that got me here. It is a tough road but staying in the cycle with P is definately the hardest way.

Stay with us Algaringo. . .there are great threads here. I think I have read every post. I relate to almost every one. I see my own story in others and I learn. . .and learn and learn. I'll never be able to quit. I'll always have to stay in touch to be aware.

It is hard for our brains to wrap around these truths. I had to work on keeping an open mind.

Be gentle with youself. It is a lot to absorb.

finished

Finished,

Something unexpected has happened. I believe my ex husband the P has disappeared. We have a daughter and he was giving us financial support that was generous so this is a very mixed blessing.

Last I talked to him he had had a serious relapse on his cocaine addiction after 13 years of sobriety and was checking himself into a 28 day program. He was supposed to call to let us know where he is. Never has. My daughter is not franctic but yes worried and has called him several times from her cell phone, so he'd know it's her.

I have the feeling that he will want to divest himself of the obligation to give us support. Therefore, I doubt he will contact us again. This is not a thought or theory, but a deep intuitive feeling, that I'm unlikely to see him again. I am almost happy if it weren't for my daughter and the money. I think that someone who's been in treatment for a week can call their family, so the fact that he doesn't answer the phone from any location, seems to say to me he's gone. I feel very weird.

I am having a lot of problems with loneliness. I do not have a lot of personal friends, though I have quite a few acquaintances. I have had some setbacks in my personal relationships. This is the part that is bothering me and with which I am trying to cope as best I can.

Your P sounds more like a manic depressive. I think it's difficult to tell. I thought my P was a manic depressive. Manic depressives do have a switch. Does you P become hyper, obsessional, talkative, have racing ideas, grandiose. Do you feel he's faking the remorse during the depressed cycle. I don't think true P's have remorse ever. They may say they do. If you P is a manic depressive, the lithium will definitely bring him down off the highs, but it's a crapshoot if the lows will disappear. He may very well become tractable. How is he doing?

I'll tell you how "my" P is doing since he left me Jan 2003 with a 103 degree fever and took all the blankets, came back in Mar 2003 to ask me to marry him again, then dumped me a week later because he deemed me a whore like his mother. "My" P is currently singing solo around town calling a song we wrote together one of his own (I am a musician). I last saw him hiding behind a tree watching me while I sold CDs for a band I manage. He stood there for 3 hours, by the way. And, unlike his usual pattern, he did not hook up with a new "love" over the summer. He has been alone since we parted company. I assume he is about to go into his winter "bardo". I'll tell you what: If he drops off the face of the Earth I will be happy as a pig in sh_t. I hate him because I still love him despite all the torment he put me through, and even though I have ostensibly moved on to sing with someone else, become part owner of a record company, manage the most popular band in the southwest, etc. The one thing I don't have in my life is someone to love who loves me back, and quite frankly, after my experience with P, I may never allow myself to fall in love again. It's just too damn painful. If you are with a P, GET OUT and STAY OUT. These people are broken, and can't be fixed.

Hi Algaringo,

>>I have the feeling that he will want to divest himself of the obligation to give us support. Therefore, I doubt he will contact us again. This is not a thought or theory, but a deep intuitive feeling, that I'm unlikely to see him again. I am almost happy if it weren't for my daughter and the money. I think that someone who's been in treatment for a week can call their family, so the fact that he doesn't answer the phone from any location, seems to say to me he's gone. I feel very weird.<<

Just a thought as I read through your post. One is he is in rehab. If he has just relasped after 13 years sobriety he is probably dealing with a lot of issues unrelated to you or your daughter. Just the experience that I have had with alcholics and addicts is that they usually reappear. He will most likely make contact at some point.

>>I am having a lot of problems with loneliness. I do not have a lot of personal friends, though I have quite a few acquaintances. I have had some setbacks in my personal relationships. This is the part that is bothering me and with which I am trying to cope as best I can. <<<

At times like these the loneliness seems aplified times a thousand. I wish I could to reach across the internet and give you a hug. Please know you are not alone. There is a bond and a friendship between us here in the forum. When someone is reaching out, I know that I want to offer whatever experience, strength and hope that I can. Many us us here genuinely care. We will be your "friends" and encourage you through your crisis.

((((algaringo))). Be kind and gentle to yourself. It will work out. . .

love
-finished

Senihele. . .SISTER FRIEND!!!! IT IS SSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD TO SEE YOUR POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>> I hate him because I still love him despite all the torment he put me through, and even though I have ostensibly moved on to sing with someone else, become part owner of a record company, manage the most popular band in the southwest, etc. The one thing I don't have in my life is someone to love who loves me back, and quite frankly, after my experience with P, I may never allow myself to fall in love again. It's just too damn painful. If you are with a P, GET OUT and STAY OUT. These people are broken, and can't be fixed. <<<

Oh Senihele. . .perfectly said. Me too. . .I hate him because I still love him. I wonder if I will feel that way forever.

>>>I may never allow myself to fall in love again. It's just too damn painful. If you are with a P, GET OUT and STAY OUT. These people are broken, and can't be fixed. <<<

More good words Senihele. . .I relate at EVERY level. I will never forget the pain and maybe that is fortunate because I like you will be extra ordinarily cautious about falling in love (if ever).

It is so good to see your post. I feel like I just heard from a very dear and precious friend. You have no idea how many times I have thought of your Love/Creation analogy. It was the first time I was able to see all the stages and how it related to me.

Thanks for the response. . .you ALWAYS have good words and great insight!

(((love & hugs)))
-finished

Hi Finished!
It's nice to know someone thinks about me. I think about you too, but have stayed away from these boards in order to move past the P experience. I feel that if I died in my house, no one would find me for weeks despite all the people I'm working with, and friends that I have. I am still in deep grief over P and can't sleep at night. I swear, but P just about "finished" me.

Hi Senihile

When I read this I felt the tears well up as I know how you feel. Since I moved away from the P with my daughter I have found work and many aquaintances but I can't trust mysself to trust new people, and I have nearly managed to do what the P tried to do - isolate me from friends and family. Luckily we go home every few months and I catch up with a social life for a few days. But I pray that for you, me and all the victims, we will put it past us, we will recover and we will reach out and make a new life.

Please keep in touch thru the forum - maybe we can bounce ideas off each other on how to get out and grab some life?

Thinking of you all

Recovery

Senihele,

I also have not been as active on the boards as I was in the beginning. When I share now it is from where I am at this moment and not where I was in the past. I've made progress but it has been without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever been through.

October 1st was a year since that whatever it was happened. I have had many of the same PTSD symptoms. This morning in the shower I noticed I had a rash all over me again. Also the feeling of being disoriented and extrememly emotional. I thought I was out of the woods but about Wednesday it started. Better today though. . .

>>I am still in deep grief over P and can't sleep at night. I swear, but P just about "finished" me.<<

Senihele. . .I have mourned for years over this. Just very recently I have noticed I am not carrying around that deep grief. I still have my times (this weekend) but they are less and less.

Please stay in touch from time to time. You cannot believe how happy I was to see your post. I'm not kidding here. . but just yesterday morning I consciously thought about you. You can imagine how excited I was then to see you here!

(((Love you Senihele)))
finished