I understand the core P pattern. I understand that P is calculatedly disordered. I intellectually understand all of it, and I know I need to run fast away from P. Yet, I still love him. I am broken inside from this truck that ran over me, and keeps backing up for more. Does healing ever happen? How? Truly, I fear for my sanity, whether I stay or run. Either way, my heart is the loser. I am crying as I write this to all of you. There is no comfort for the pain. Counseling does not help. Well-meaning friends do not understand. How does one find solace for the P experience?

Yes Senihile, I understand about the pain of feeling broken and degraded at the whim of a psychopath. And I know about how no counseling, friends, etc. can help to get relief from it. What I have found is that since the psychopath only drains and sucks out life force. that there is no chance to individuate from him/her until physical distance and enough time go by. It begins with no contact. And this can be so very hard in the beginning; extremely difficult. I think then, a lot of grieving goes on and this would be variable depending on among other things, the length of time one was involved with a psychopath and then how enmeshed by issues such as children, divided assets (as is more my own situation). But inevitably, I really do believe that there is healing from the wounds that the psychopath inflicts.

You have presented as a very strong, intelligent person. These traits will really serve you as you go through the stages of individuating and healing from the effects of the psychopath.

With wishes for relief for you,
Cherie

Senihele-

I so relate to your heartache. My reality started the first of this month.

I bounce back and forth from wanted to "have a sign" this reality is not true and knowing in my heart it is. I was very desperate for answers when I stumbled into this forum but I believed those that posted NO CONTACT. The only time I've engaged was by phone for a very short and uncomforting conversation.

I'm reading the posts, articles on the forum and some books that have been recommended. I feel like I'm getting a frame of reference on P's ( you seen have a great grasp on it) but I didn't know about any of this before. However, it does not diminish the love I have for this person and the pain I feel, but not seeing him really has helped. It has helped me focus on my own stuff right now.

I read the stories of those that are further ahead in the journey out. I just know they know. For me, since I don't have their experience and even though the players and places are different, our stories are basically the same.

I also wish you peace.
finished

Thank you for your "Script" on the P process on another thread.
It has helped me SO MUCH to see how the cycle has perpetuated itself. I work well with visuals. . .

hi senihele
think of your problem (remaining love for the P) in terms of an addiction, and in terms of your theory of the P pattern. During the BEAUTY stage he established a deep connection (on your end, anyway) and got you hooked on his false self. you had a steady supply of perceived affection and validation. who wouldn't get addicted to that? everyone of us here has, without exception. then it was cut off in DESTRUCTION, and your mind and heart were highly dependent on that supply. whether you comprehend the nature of the P or not (and obviously you do), that comprehension alone cannot erase the withdrawal symptoms. you still love the persona the P constructed for you in the BEAUTY phase... you are still hooked on the mask. but the mask has fragmented, as you say, and part of you is still looking for the mythical pot of glue (it's kind of like that pot of gold under the rainbow). i'm sure that there are heroin addicts intelligent enough to recognize that heroin use is decidely unhealthy and why. i'm sure people trying to lose weight can comprehend why ordering a 15 inch pizza at 2 in the morning might be detrimental. but that doesn't stop the needing, wanting, and good taste of the indulgence. we have all been through what you are going through. we all thought we could get back the friend or lover from the BEAUTY phase. just keep writing, reading, and exchanging experiences here. soon enough, the feelings will fade.
best regards,
persistent

senihele
a couple of quick points. you are obviously sharply intelligent and reasonable. while those things cannot defeat a psychopath's reality-warping powers while you are involved with and have contact with them, they will get you through the aftermath when you sever things. i have no doubt whatsoever. get rid of this joker!
persistent

Hi all,
Something that comes to mind is that what I found and still find myself missing is the love I felt and no longer feel for the psychopath. I miss that feeling, but not the psychopath. Hopefully, through this experience we will be able to discern and avoid them in the future. And find love with a real person.


Cherie

Senihele, I am so sorry for what you are going through. And I know exactly what you are going through. Once a psychopath gets his hooks in your soul, your rational mind, which may have served you well, pre-psychopath, becomes a mere child's toy.

The way you describe it is exactly as it is. A truck has run over you, and keeps backing up for more. You have gotten good feedback from the posters here. You have to get out of the way. And yes, it may the hardest thing you have ever done. Because you are caught in the grip of a powerful suggestion. Every most needing and vulnerable shred of you has been captured, and tuned to a glorious illusion. For one brief moment, you were fed at the depths of your being, you soared, you sang with the angels, you were everything you were ever meant to be.

Persistent is right. It is an addiction. A psychopath hones in on our deepest core being, and core hunger. Every human being (except for a psychopath) is driven by this core hunger to become truest self, to self-realize, to manifest the spirit and spiritual gifts within. Every human being feels at least a slight discomfort and personal dissatisfaction, and this is intended, it is what drives us to grow and become.

The psychopath somehow has the ability to penetrate, with x-ray vision, to our cores, to see what it is, his victims are most essentially made of. He has the ability to view our ungerminated seeds. He then "recognizes" us and we start to "become". His next move is to tear the wings off the emerging butterfly, and leave it dessciated for all time.

According to the way I see it, and the way it worked for me, the power you need to tap into, the only power that can save you, is the REAL power at the core of your being. Spiritual strength grounded in truth and spiritual reality, goodness and God. You won't find the power to overcome evil in your rational mind. You have to channel the power from beyond.

In a way that is the journey of every human being on earth, to learn to channel power from "beyond". To those who live life in the comfortable prisons of their rational minds, this may sound "bizarre". But, in fact, it is according to our true natures. We are not bodies that have spirits. We are spirits living in physical bodies. The thing we have to channel from "beyond" is our (true, spiritual) selves.

When you come up against a psychopath, you have come against a very pure form of evil. It takes a very pure form of its opposite to prevail.

This growing and strenghtening and "becoming" may continue for eons. But you are being forced to make a giant leap when you fall under the spell of a psychopath.

As you walk through these fires, suffer withdrawal and excruciating loss (it feels like the loss of everything you have ever found to love in yourself, and all the love you ever found in the world), you simultaneously give birth to your (true) self (spirit).

Recovery from a psychopath is a long, long difficult road, but along that road, I believe spiritual growth is inevitable. Without it, I believe recovery is impossible.

Cherie,

"...what I found and still find myself missing is the love I felt and no longer feel for the psychopath. I miss that feeling..."

I am so glad you said that. One of the grief processes I pass through, and revisit, periodically, is the grieving of the loss of my love for HIM. This is our loss as well as theirs. In fact, it is really only our loss since they never got anything real from our love, in the first place. But WE did. I often find myself, when I am out, revisiting the former me, whose heart was perpetually full of love for her dearly loved, precious husband, and carried a mental photograph of him, front and center, at all times. I think my god, used to be, when I was out shopping... And now...
And it just seems so horrible... I remember how swollen with love my heart once was, at all times. And now, that isn't there. There is other love in my heart. But not that primary connected to a soulmate love.

Yes. this rememberance and feeling of love. This is something that I haven't spoken of. But sometimes it hits me. Some event will come to mind and I'll remember the feeling. But I know now that it was my feeling and that he wasn't returning it. That's the part that makes me sad and forlorn. That's how it goes for me. Now I know what he is. LOL Its kind of funny...to me, anyway. But now when I meet a person with a really outgoing, pushy, overly friendly, or suggestive exterior persona, I cringe. The kind of person that always seem's "up" and like nothing bothers them. The easygoing friendly person. Ah well. Its part of the healing process. Anything that remotely resembles con artist traits is a red alert to me.

Cherie

And, as a result, we are left as void and empty as they are. We don't become P's, yet they leave us with a gaping black hole where our soul used to be.