I am reading all about hese P's that will keep on apologizing and returning to their partners. I am recently seperated from my P. he is incarcerated for being a P. towards me and numerous others (of course). It's the emotional stress that is worse than ANYTHING (you all understand I suppose) My question is. Now that he is gone, at least temporarily, should I expect him to try and come back in my life? And so, how to deal with this? Remember, this man does not want me, even stronger, he HATES me, and has made this quite clear on numerous occasions. Once again, I am new at this, nobody really knows about this. The only positive thing I have done so far, is to refuse contact and make sure he stays where he is for as long as possible, only this way I know for sure that we are safe. Thanks guys. Just need a dose of reality .

Petra,
Welcome to the forum! You are in good hands here.
We all understand what you are going through. You
said that you are doing everything you can to ignore
your P and that is great. It's very difficult, particularly
if he is still calling you. From what I have read he
will eventually lose interest and concentrate his efforts
on his other targets. And, since you mentioned that you
are not the only one he is bothering, that is actually
a good thing. He'll move on. It may take some time but
he will.
Rick

Hey! Petra
welcome to a safe place
i had to press charge on my x-p once and was not the only one

freedom

finished
(member)
01/21/03 07:24 PM

Re: When will he give up?

Hi petra
I don't think I have seen you here before.

When will he give up? That is a question we all ask. . .

I'm glad you are here. . .this forum is a great place to be.
finished

hopefull
(member)
01/21/03 09:04 PM

petra,

welcome to the forum, what i have learn is that it takes time to find an answer, it one own mind that seems to reach a point of comfort despite our eagerness to know. Seek knowledge, and answer will come. Keep him out for the longest, if he is in jail i am sure you have a restrainging order and don't hesitate to contact authorities if needed. protect yourself.

Thank you all so very much, it is nice to be in a place where people actually know what is going on. Of course my friends think this is all horrible, but then they don't live through it, and we are. I am seriously thinking about moving to another country. I have this opportunity. Unfortunately I have to leave a lot behind, and I do not know if I should be so fearful of HIM, rather that just face things head-on and try and deal with this.
I know for one thing that this man does NOT want me back, he just wants to control me more. What has hurt me the most is that he had it all; beautiful wife, house, children, he could be so succesful, I wanted to look after him. He never, ever apologized to me, always justified that what he did was totally right (in his mind) and that I was the lier and needed to be hospitalized, imagine... I maybe have handeled things wrong as well, but I do always apologize when I am out of line..
No remorse, no rgerets. What also bothers me is that even though he hates me, (has said this numerous times) he still for some reason wants to come into my life and tell me what is wrong (everything of course, all my fault) I mean, if I hate a person so much that I can not deal with this anymore, I would be happy to stay away, and move on. What is this?

Hello petra, welcome to the forum.

>>should I expect him to try and come back in my life? And so, how to deal with this? <<

I guess the P. will always try to be in my life or effecting it in some way. He just can't let it be. I have had such a hard time letting go emotionally, and if he would just go away it would be alot easier. Since Im not at the office anymore he cant get at me that way. So now things are happening in the business world. I can't be specific because of anonymity. All I can say is that when I changed jobs I am in the same field but changed the type of business I do within that field, if that makes since. Now the P. is planning to do the same thing just at a different company. He has to compete with me somehow. He doesn't know I know yet, but he knows I will find out. My instincts are to call him up and tell him how stupid he is. However that would be exactly what he wants - a reaction.

The P world is so bizzare. I guess I do have some control. He is reacting to what I do. I could have fun with that. However that would probably make me a P.

I have to continue on in the direction I am going. All though I am still feeling alot of the aftermath of the P. world. Keep trudging forward, knowing I will be okay.

Thanks for listening. I had to share it here, or I might call up the P. On another forum I saw a great saying concerning not responding to their crap. It was "don't feed the animals".

Hope you all are doing better and better each day.
betterway

"No remorse, no rgerets. What also bothers me is that even though he hates me, (has said this numerous times) he still for some reason wants to come into my life and tell me what is wrong (everything of course, all my fault) I mean, if I hate a person so much that I can not deal with this anymore, I would be happy to stay away, and move on. What is this?"

They love the control - G

Hi Betterway!

>>The P world is so bizzare. I guess I do have some control. He is reacting to what I do. I could have fun with that<<

Fun is never in the P eqasion (spelling?). It is a game we cannot win because the rules change at their convienience. They throw out the bait to see if we will take it. It has been my experience that it is a "no win" situation.

You are on the right path Betterway. A little saying I heard was "you can't move forward looking in the rear view mirror". How that spoke to me was. . .if I an focused on the past. . .I'll stay stuck. Our past can be our greatest asset if we can learn from our mistakes. . .(learned in Alanon). :-)

>>He has to compete with me somehow<<

Another game. Your saying "don't feed the animals". . .applies for sure. Obviously he thinks you are competition or he wouldn't be stealing your ideas (like P#2 did from me).

Have a great day. . .
finished

Betterway,
Finished is right. One has the impression that we could play with them, but that just momentarily, while they pull you back in. The same happens to me, I thought he was reacting and I could have my littel revenge and play back, but you never win with Ps. I got hurt again. Don't feed the animals.Right!

he does not give up

first i get a call from his girlfriend tuesday night about 9pm
she was saying that p and i were still seeing each other and i told here i haven't heard from him since the phone call that it was over
she said she has proof
i don't see how because i am telling the truth
this lady is acting exactly like him
then at 2 in the morning
i was spending the night at my big support lady friend
i get a call from p wanting to see me bad
that it was over with her
but he was using her cell phone
i told him
i do not want to be with him
because you keep saying all these lies about me
having giving you drug and herpes
and he says it is a lie
she is just saying that so i won't be with him
so i hung up and he kept calling
and i would not answer
maybe because my friend was there
because when he called back yesterday wednesday
i talked to him and it is such a mistake
he is not leaving her
he just wants to see me
and i tell him you are trying to get me in trouble
you are using her phone and she will know that you are calling me
he says that he will tell her that he is trying to appease me because she is harassing me
some kind of wild story
she is very jealous
he says that she is worse than him

well i am telling him that i miss him
i am not doing well at all
i know that i will not win in this battle if i talk to him on the phone
we are talking about meeting
i told him
no i want him to be checked first
before i would touch him again

your right p always wins
sometime i feel that i got him at his game
but it always turns around and bites me in the soul

now i have her upset with me

he wants to see me sometime
which won't take him long to be upset with me again

he wants me to tell her that i will press charge on her if she keeps calling
and i don't care for those kind of threatening conversation
he says he will teach me how to respond to people

i do not want to learn how to be a psychopath
which sometime i feel that the more i befriend him
i am his supporter

i am doing so well being with good friends
doing what i wanna do freely
without someone over my head
threatening me about everything i do and think

i have so much freedom with my friends

so i am confessing my sins of temptations
talking to him is not good at all
now i am all in flame again

hell aint'no paradise

freedom

well my flame
is going out
thank be to God

we talked again today
p says that his girl friend called the police on him for hitting her
he had to go
and he was upset because she does not want to give him the guitar which she paid for it

this is the same ritual
with all the other women 6 including me
so far since i met him in 98

i am feeling nauseated
pregnant with discuss
that i would desire him

i am playing around talking like yeah
it would be nice to get together
i did missed him
but i told him that i do not want to see him until
he gets tested at the health clinic
with the result in my hand
he wants me to go with him
i told him i already got tested

i am enjoying my peace
why should i mess it up

i have wonderful nice peaceful friends

now i am fearing again
that he will come around me
when i am out
it will be my fault
because i am talking to him

i should not answer the phone
i just want to rub his nose in to see what he is doing to his life
he was going to be in a movie but did not show to sign the contract
had some gigs in Europe the agent had to canceled because his behavior was not respectful toward people

he loves money
and could make a lot
he is very talented
he does not need to promote
people are calling him to play
but he refuses the good that comes into his life
he'd rather try to hook an old or young lady
who thinks he needs a boost to get back into his music
when he really do not care
about music
he is just good at it
and use it as a tool to meet women

i really feel sorry for him
it is like his brain
is going against the courant
really it is going sideways of the courant

i am not any better
for being with him in words or presence
this will be a very big effort
for me not to talk to him on the phone
in person i do not want to see him

after i talked to him on the phone
i felt that all the dead people i knew
were looking at me
like i was doing something wrong
i should not talk to him
i am encouraging him
in his behavior

freedom

should i say when will i give up?

well i think i am doing very good
at not seeing him
monday and tuesday
he's calling me to meet him
and i tell him it would be so nice
but i feel sick in the stomach
because everytime you get a new girl friend
you have to say all those lies about me
and it hurts me inside
i don't want to hurt anymore
and he tells me it is not true he did not say those things to her she made it up

i was at the jam session last night he came by with his motorcycle showing off asking for me
i would not get out of the place
he cannot come in in this particular club
he got thrown out and it is not the only club that he cannot go in
so anyway on the way home
i live a good 45 minutes from the town to my house
half way home i get a call from p begging me to turn around
and i would tell him that i want to see him extra bad too
but i know you will ask me for money and i don't have any to give you
you play those game that you love me and then it is just a money thing
so he hangs up and he is mad at me
which is fine with me
that way he will stop calling me
i'd rather have him mad at me
then acting that he is in love with me
which is a lie

so i am proud of myself

now

last night
i did had friends at the club who were there supporting
me in my new adventure of NOT to see him anymore
because they all know how many time i go back to him
and they are tired of the same old routine of me getting con by him
and not just with me but all those other ladies that he con as well

i feel that i am on top of the big mountain
that you and my friends in person all help me to climb
i want to get on the other side
to get full victory over him
he is an addiction
so just to show you how bad i am
i called him tonight
(he is back at his grandpa's house
since his newgirlfriend called the police on him for hurting her)
to forgive me for not being with him last night
we have been doing the same pattern
over and over
so now i really know that he is mad at me
because he hangs up
i told him that i am trying to do the right thing
by giving him up
because i am tired of him breaking my heart to pieces
and i tried to call him back
because if he would forgive me i would go see him tonight
that is how weak i am tonight
i know i just need to go to bed and sleep
and he does not pick up the phone
which is great that way i won't sin tonight

so i am proud of myself about last night
i did not give in

i still feel nauseated
like when you are pregnant
just to think of what he was-is doing to his new girlfriend
acting like you like her making love to her
when you are suppose to be in love with me
i told him last night
and his response was that he had to play the game
to get back on his feet for his career
which he does not need any woman to go about his career
his agent is taking care of that

i don't know but he gets pleasure out of hurting people
and hurting himself that way
because he is starting to have a lot of people mad at him
some people realized that there is something wrong in his head that is not hooked right
but some people want him dead

i tell him p you are going to put yourself in jail again
he does have to go to court for telling a man he was going to kill him if he does not tell him where his daughter is
the one he was stalking
he tells me that he can get one year for that
i try to reason with him about doing things that will get him in jail
and it is not sinking in
there is something missing

he says that people are against him because they are jealous
they don't want him to succeed
which is a lie
so many people tried to help him but to no avail

i have this friend that i met when p was with another woman
i did not tell him that i knew p
one night we were talking about musicians
i ask him did you ever heard p
he tells me this true story
that happen 8 years ago
my friend lets name him Z and his fiancé were going to get married
well p was coming around where they were working
and started to tell her that he (p) was an undercover cops
and that z her fiancé was on drug
which he is not he is a great artist and he does not want to mess his mind with drug
and she started to believe p and ruined z's reputation
after that she did not want to get married with z

so i would not tell z that i knew p
we had stop seeing each other
and a year later i had got back with p
we go to this club and z is there
so p acts nice to z knowing him from years ago
and z is looking at me like
and wants to talk
so p get jealous and does not want z to talk to me
so z tells him look she is a friend to me
and i can talk to her if i want
so p punch z in the face
they threw him out of the club
i left him in the parking lot
p was really mad that i knew z
i told him that i met him when you were with one
of you new girlfriend
i get lonely and i love to meet people
i am a friendly person
like he is

so this is just to tell you how a p can be

sad
very sad
p would be a millionaire
if he would just stop doing what he's doing to himself
blaming other people for his action
he is a very lovable person when you meet him
but then he turns into a p

freedom
there is victory in the air
i am having a big battle inside
the good side is winning
so far so good
the dark side of me is cringing
i was having a terrible headache
thinking how good it would be to be with him
he gives me energy but i cannot go through all this other stuff that comes with the energy which is a killer

once in awhile z calls me just to see if i am still alive
and he did a little while ago that is why i told you all the story about him
and we were talking about p how he still sees him sometime
and p acts civil towards him
now z has a nice girlfriend we met
they are nice people

thinking of you all
freedom

he does not give up

he came to my job today
i took a lunch break to get him out of the property
because my co-worker wanted to call the cop on him
the manager told him too many time not to come here
but i told her no
i did not want to make a scene in front of other co-workers who do not know what is going on
i let him in my car to go to lunch
he wanted money as usual
i argue with him that i cannot provide for him
it is money for my family
so he gets sexual
making improper touching
in public or alone in the car
i keep pushing his hands away
it is really weird in a sick way
or say improper sexual comments out loud so other people can hear
it drives me crazy when he acts like that
and then i give him the money so he will leave me alone
he says he is trying to seduce me
but darn that is not how you get a woman
he is getting worse about that
so he knows i will give him money when he acts like that because i cannot stand it
it is another one of his game

he got his first dwi in another state
a few weeks ago
he wants me to drive him for his court date
and pay his fine
huh! duh! what!

when he got back to his town
he calls me from a guy who cuts grass
wants to go in business with him
telling me that he will send the man to my house to cut my grass (i live far away from him)
he called the lady friend in his town this afternoon telling her that he is sending the guy over to cut her grass
she hung up on him

whoever he meets he wants to do something for them or with them for fast cash
he hustles
he could make so much money with his music
one of his song won an award
he does not need to promote
people would love to have him come play

they call him

i talk to him on the phone a little while ago
and i was crying
he ask me what is wrong
and i tell him that i am praying for you
i don't want you to go to jail again
i want you to be good towards others
i want you to do the right thing for yourself

i told him today he was a psychopath
and he just mention one of my sin
it was no big deal

i really feel sorry for him
it is like he cannot help it to be the way he is
he was born without a conscience
he did not choose to be the way he is
he has so much to offer
he brings a lot of joy in people's life
but it turns into a twisted twirl agony
we don't know what hit us
how could someone be so nice and talented and pow wow
you can't believe it that it is really happening
you feel that it will go away soon or later
the later is getting stuck in an eternal gear

he gets arrested so many time for hurting people
that one day he will stay longer in jail
than the 2 months and a few more days

ok i am getting tired of talking about him
you can see his con actions are getting more obvious

i do not want to go back with him
sincerely i don't want to
he is very forceful though

it is my fault
i should not talk to him on the phone
it is a very simple order
because i can see myself
being sucked in the drain
i had a little respite when he was with the other lady
but now i can see that he is in that rut again
where i come in
until he finds another woman to con

freedom

Freedom, Something you said reminded me of my own situation:

i did not want to make a scene in front of other co-workers who do not know what is going on

I dealt with this in my own home by leaving the room immediately after the police arrived. When we are in a public place or at work, we can leave the office or room until the P is removed. The police also can have one officer with you, in another area, to take your information, and the other officer can deal with P. Or both can deal with P and then take your info after P is subdued/detained. And the scene would not have been made by you... it would only be made by P. There is nothing for you to be embarassed about. I now believe that so, so, strongly.

P tried to belittle me in public, but I completely ignored him and left the area. And truly, to anyone who didn't know the situation, it would only have looked as if he were a lunatic, ranting at a total stranger. A P is shameless, not egoless, but shameless. And they use our sense of guilt and/or shame to manipulate and control our situation.

Hold your head high Freedom. You've nothing to be embarassed or guilted about. And you can be proud that you're learning about P's ways of operating, you're learning to detach, and are getting stronger every day.

Blessings,
Leti

Petra,
My P would apologize in a very heartfelt and sincere manner. 1 week later, I would find out he was still doing the same thing; or a week later I might tell him how much I appreciated what he said, and how much better I felt. To this he would reply, "Did I say that? Funny, I dont remember. I can't remember anything farther back that a few days. I didn't say that, did I?". then, like an idiot, I would tell him, "Gosh P, what you said were healing words to me, and really helped me to put the hurt behind me." to this he would say something like, "I don't focus on the past, only on the future. I can't remember that."
He was completely, totally, wierd with this. After learning about Ps, I now know that how he was talking was TOTALLY, NORMAL, common behavior and words--for a P.
The thing that helped me most was when I decided that it no longer mattered if he ever came back or when. I committed to not allowing him back in, even if he tried again. And that was the beginning of my journey out of P-made hell. Even though I committed mentally, my heart took a long time to fall into place with my commitment. Memories of the "good"-fantasy that it was- still occasionally overtake me. But it gets easier and easier. It also helps to mentally enact the scenarios that might happen, running into P again, or having him show up at your door. It helps to menatlly rehearse behaviors that are going to enhance YOUR health, and protect you from further involvement. I think a good therapist or assertiveness training session can help alot with developing the mindset that is involved in this preparation.
Take Care,
Good Luck to you.
Leti

p is trying to apologize
he keeps calling me
and i get excited
but when he talks and is telling me how he started therapy today
he wants to get better
he loves me
and i just ain't buy it anymore
i am tired of desiring him
i am broke anyway
i keep telling him
and he says but i don't want your money
i answer this is going on for 4-5 years
and you tell me the same thing over and over
and nothing has change
you still want me for money
he cries but it is fake

so i am doing better
the temptation of the flesh is great
but the good in me is getting stronger
i want to do the right thing
if i really love him i will leave him alone

i feel surrounded by the spirit of everyone that cares about me
it is a strong....
but the temptation is so strong to go see him
i know if i go
it will cost me negative outlet
for the sake of his fake love

freedom