I do feel different, finished. I have changed. I am no longer that naive gullible person I use to be. I will never be the person I was before meeting the P. I find myself sometimes thinking I am cold hearted now, maybe like I have also lost some of the good things. I am starting to trust myself again a little bit at a time. The P. worked hard on destroying my capability to trust my own instincts.
I was listening to a CHER CD the other day I like a couple of lines in her songs:
"I found somebody to take away the heart ache". I take that somebody to be that I am finding a new me. All I am learning and all that I want to do to change me is taking away the heart ache. Then another one is "I'm strong enough, to know that you have to go". I've known for along time P had to go, and now I am finally starting to make it more reality. It is a very hard road to travel. I still struggle with the awful hurt of betrayal. What the P. did to me is dispicable (sp?), beyond comprehension, beyond my human understanding, pure evil. In AA they say that alcoholism is Cunning, baffling and Powerful. I believe that saying applies to P's also.
I think it was on Dr. Hares website that it said, one way to help ourselves get away from the P. is for us to keep tearing them down in our minds (get rid of idealization). Others have said it is like we have to do to the P. what they have done to us. Devalue and discard. How terrible we have to do that, but it has been part of my recovery. To D&D someone I idolized and cherished has been so so hard and goes against my beliefs. I am a nice person and care about people. But dealing with a P. is abnormal and dealing with them is far from normal behavior on my part.
Thank you (((all))) for your love and support.