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#2197 - 06/19/03 02:16 PM Re: "What "NO CONTACT" means to me" [Re: freedom]
Anonymous
Unregistered


You know Robert tread carefully. I tried (for the umteenth time) to help my younger sister in the same situation in Hawaii, we went (my younger brother and I and the police) to her workplace and basically shielded her with our bods all the way to the car as he's trying to grab at her. Bought her a ticket and sent her back to California, where she promplty call the perp back cried on his shoulder, gave him MY phone number and I received obscene phone calls at all hours for two weeks. I would like to recommend a book by Dr's Jacoson and Gottman called "When Men Batter Women" and I'll tell you why. This book will help you identify what your sister is partnered up with a little more. These two Docs identified two basic types of batterers (course there are sub-species. They call the one type the "Cobra" and this is the type that is dangerous in the home. Tend to blitz attacks, no remorse, no love, no empathy, can be sadistic. Interestingly enough, this batterer does NOT stalk. Because if the woman leaves, they could care less, no "attachment/abandonment disorder" no "if I can't have her nobody can", nothing like that they are cold reptiles. They are very dangerous in the home however. The "Pitbull" on the other hand is the one who stalks when left, who begs for the woman to come back who monitors and interrogates and promises to change. Women leave Pitbulls more often than they do the dangerous Cobras for just that reason, because the Pitbull will drive you nuts with their insecurities. The Cobra is the psychopath. It may help you understand the situation more. Go to the library and get some books about women who find themselves in domestic situations so you can at least answer some of your own questions. Remember, love, even the warped kind THRIVES on opposition, so sad as it is, yoiu may have to wait and watch while she quite possibly ruins her own life.

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#2198 - 06/19/03 02:18 PM Re: "What "NO CONTACT" means to me"
Anonymous
Unregistered


Oops.

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#2199 - 06/19/03 03:51 PM Re: "What "NO CONTACT" means to me"
Anonymous
Unregistered


Cordelia:

This post is very interesting, especially when I thought I had researched just about everything possible on P's.....I keep learning...wow!!!!

I believe my 'personal P' is doing just 'this'; what u write about regarding keeping her housebound, to his current wife. Everyday that I am in no contact with him I see more and more of the "illusion" I was caught in...my 'meds' have been decreased and I feel stronger and stronger even though we have another financial P to worry about.... I still feel, although money is very important to life...and especially when one has saved and worked years for it.....there is nothing worse than seduction and abuse of the heart as opposed to the bank account.....because the heart is the soul of the individual. ...shatter the soul and you destroy the person.

I was watching "Larry King" last night regarding the "Laci Peterson" Case. Actually I have had special interest in the case from the onset, as I believe to this point Peterson reflects the personality of a sociopath. This, of course...is only my opinion. I stay in tune with the progress or unfolding of the 'case' as it helps me to understand the'legal system' as well as how potential P's are regarded and viewed by society and ultimately dealt with. It is the same reason that I have read "Ann Rule" extensively and watch "American Justice, City confidential".

Please explain if u will, what your constant closing line means.....I don't understand.......

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#2200 - 06/19/03 06:03 PM Re: "What "NO CONTACT" means to me"
Anonymous
Unregistered


Robert,

Like many of us on this forum we found out in our own way
(we call it the "lightbulb moment") that what we were dealing with was a psychopathic or narcissistic personality. To answer your question, I simply don't know how I would have reacted had someone simply handed me the information. I found out, on my own, by doing research on the Internet concerning complusive lying. I was searching for information to explain behavioral patterns that I was unfamiliar with and found unusual and disturbing. As I have written, and as many of the people on this forum have echoed, what I found shook me to the bones.
I will tell you, though, that I was in a similar predicament because I was close with my P's family..particularly with the mother. I was advised to approach her in a loving way with all of the information...but did not spell it out to her. I created a list of the many personality traits and behaviors that I culled from various books, articles and websites that I located. Once we discussed this list and how her child fit the descriptions I told her that many people whom exhibited these behaviors were referred to as narcissists.... and a more difficult word to take into consideration, psychopaths. She had difficulty with the concept at first...but became more comfortable with the reality and the terminology once things became clear to her
and situations and experiences now made sense.
Of course, you don't have the luxury of sitting down with your sister and having a conversation. Perhaps you could send her a letter to her work address, tell her how much you care about her and are concerned for her health and safety and attach a list of the personality and behavioral traits for her to consider. Don't even spell it out to her, or explain what they mean. Just let it sink in. She may not even consciously realize many of the things that he is doing. Perhaps you conclude the letter by stating that
"this list describes traits that are inherrent to a particular personality issue that may explain her husbands behavior" and she is not alone in experiencing this. My guess is that she will find a way to get in touch with you to discuss this further once it sinks in. If need be, send her a phone card with the letter so that she can call you from a pay phone.
Keep in mind these are only suggestions and not something that I am telling you to do. These are ideas that I might consider if I were in the same position. You have to do what is comfortable for yourself.

Rick

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#2201 - 06/19/03 06:23 PM Re: "What "NO CONTACT" means to me"
Anonymous
Unregistered


Cordelia,

You explained your closing line to me a few weeks ago and I understand it, your sense of humor, how it was a saying from your family, etc... However, Dusty was also confused by this and, I think, without trying to be brazen that you should possibly rethink including it in your future posts.
All of us on this forum think of ourselves as inherrently good people that were caught in a mind altering situation. We are the lucky ones because we have come to a heightened state of realization with our involvement in the P process. Many of us look forward to normal, healthy, loving and nurturing relationships where we are appreciated and respected for the many fine attributes that we can contribute. Having said this, perhaps it would be a good idea if you were to choose another sentence that gives us hope.
Please do not take offense, but I do find it unsettling as well.
Rick

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#2202 - 06/20/03 02:59 PM Re: "What "NO CONTACT" means to me"
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thanks for your input Rick. Part of inner-strength is having a healthy sense of humor. The fact that you are so sensitive is probably why you didn't recognize the snakes in your own liferight away. From what you say, you had to research extensively to realize what many of us just percieve rather quickly. Humor, I notice, is almost an I.Q. test AND an emotional wellness test. People who flinch too easily at twisted adages in my opinion are really just masking hidden hostilities and are too craven to be open about it. I work in a large hospital with a varied patient population. Because of my twisted sense of humor, many of our more wounded and paranoid patients know they can trust me.

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#2203 - 06/20/03 04:30 PM Re: "What "NO CONTACT" means to me"
Anonymous
Unregistered


Cordelia:

In response to your last post let me say I was disappointed with how you chose to address Rick.

I have enjoyed your postings thus far, but today when I read your reply to his suggestion, I feel you were some out of line. In re-reading Rick's posting and agreeing with his suggestion of removing your closing "humour" statement...I would guess by your standards I am also too 'sensitive' and should develop a higher "humour I.Q." because I dont feel 'this' is THE forum to subtley/overtly berate or leave anything up in the air for our readers to have to discern. We have all gone through enough questioning and analysing already. I also 'feel' we ARE sensitive; duh!...Our P experiences have helped to over- reinforce that aspect and, I think HERE (forum) I/we should be able to feel comfortable in our vulnerabilities and the sharing of them. We need support and upfront info to calm our "sensitivies".

I feel Rick has contributed a great deal to this forum as I have been reading a long time and just recently started to post.

I hope you keep posting but please remember not all of us can share the same sense of humor or even understand that 'that' is what it is.

p.s. I still dont understand the intent of your closing line, but will carry on despite the mystery.

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#2204 - 06/20/03 06:05 PM Re: "What "NO CONTACT" means to me"
Anonymous
Unregistered


Dusty,

Thank you for your support. It was very well written and touched me deeply. I stated my case out of concern and respect for all of the forum members and the unfortunate circumstances that bind us together.

Rick

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#2205 - 06/22/03 08:07 PM Re: "What "NO CONTACT" means to me"
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Dusty!

>>p.s. I still don't understand the intent of your closing line, but will carry on despite the mystery.<<

I understand it like this: "what goes around . . .comes around"

and

"whatsoever a man soweth. . .that shall he reap". The Bible says that!

There is a "Higher Power" that brings justice.

I can only do what is right for me and leave the results with God. He is the only one who can bring healing and recovery if I am willing to cooperate by learning all I can as fast as we can.

One of the great things about this forum is that I can express myself freely. I take what I like (and works for me) and leave the rest.

Keep pressing on Dusty. . .you are making great progress.

Thank you for expressing your truth. . .that's great progress!!!

(((love)))
finished

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#2206 - 06/22/03 09:48 PM Re: "What "NO CONTACT" means to me"
Anonymous
Unregistered


Finished:

You are a sweetie!

thankyou for your thoughts.......

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