Hi,

Part One is getting quite loaded. If you don't find a thread already open and have a general question or comment, please post here.

Thanks,
Di

NO CONTACT to me means peace of mind. A record has been broken. 21 days of absolutely no contact. Not a single call to ignore - no nothing and I am doing okay!!!! It's a miracle. I am changing, I am growing, I am recovering. Something I don't think I can do when I have contact of any kind with that P. I hope and pray that I will be strong enough when "contact" happens again to not be pulled back in. I really hope he doesn't make contact!! Today "No Contact" is fine with me. Thank you everybody for helping me to accept that no contact is good for me.

betterway

YOU GO GIRL!!!

YOU SOUND SO MUCH BETTER ((((BETTERWAY)))!!!

Stronger, more sure and confident. Progress girl. . .you are making GREAT PROGRESS!!

Thanks for sharing. Your post is encouraging and an inspiration. We CAN do it. I'm so proud of you. I KNOW it is not easy.

Hugs,
finished

Hi (((finished))),
How are you doing? How is the NO Contact going with you? P. is not making contact that helps a great deal. I have never told him not too, never got to where I could. But he has to know that is my goal and eventually all his targets goals. Last month he told me "it goes both ways" concerning our communication. I am thinking sure does - the silence can go both ways if P just allows it to.

Molly's post about the "CASK" has been such a help. It described what the P. did to me perfectly. He was very intelligent and used that to trick and confuse me all the way.

We can do it "a day at a time". I can't promise I won't ever have contact, but I know today I am doing okay!!

take care,
betterway

Betterway,
You sound wonderful. Congratulations on 21 days of "No Contact".
-Leti

Oh Betterway. . .

>>We can do it "a day at a time". I can't promise I won't ever have contact, but I know today I am doing okay!! <<

The best we can do is just for today. Today is all we have for sure. Tommorrow will take care of itself. Tommorrow we do it "one day at a time" again. :-)

I'm so glad for you Betterway. . . I know it's been a LONG, HARD journey out of that pit. I "see" and "hear" a different Betterway right now. . .probably the "old" Betterway is surfacing again. Isn't it good to be BACK!!!

Gosh, I'm so happy for you.

Love,

Finished

I do feel different, finished. I have changed. I am no longer that naive gullible person I use to be. I will never be the person I was before meeting the P. I find myself sometimes thinking I am cold hearted now, maybe like I have also lost some of the good things. I am starting to trust myself again a little bit at a time. The P. worked hard on destroying my capability to trust my own instincts.

I was listening to a CHER CD the other day I like a couple of lines in her songs:
"I found somebody to take away the heart ache". I take that somebody to be that I am finding a new me. All I am learning and all that I want to do to change me is taking away the heart ache. Then another one is "I'm strong enough, to know that you have to go". I've known for along time P had to go, and now I am finally starting to make it more reality. It is a very hard road to travel. I still struggle with the awful hurt of betrayal. What the P. did to me is dispicable (sp?), beyond comprehension, beyond my human understanding, pure evil. In AA they say that alcoholism is Cunning, baffling and Powerful. I believe that saying applies to P's also.

I think it was on Dr. Hares website that it said, one way to help ourselves get away from the P. is for us to keep tearing them down in our minds (get rid of idealization). Others have said it is like we have to do to the P. what they have done to us. Devalue and discard. How terrible we have to do that, but it has been part of my recovery. To D&D someone I idolized and cherished has been so so hard and goes against my beliefs. I am a nice person and care about people. But dealing with a P. is abnormal and dealing with them is far from normal behavior on my part.

Thank you (((all))) for your love and support.

betterway

Betterway. . .

>>I think it was on Dr. Hares website that it said, one way to help ourselves get away from the P. is for us to keep tearing them down in our minds (get rid of idealization). Others have said it is like we have to do to the P. what they have done to us. Devalue and discard. How terrible we have to do that, but it has been part of my recovery. To D&D someone I idolized and cherished has been so so hard and goes against my beliefs. I am a nice person and care about people. But dealing with a P. is abnormal and dealing with them is far from normal behavior on my part.<<

That is very good Betterway. For me it is not so much tearing down or bashing P anymore. I can look at him and see it for what it is. Something I read on another web site really helped me.

Okay. . .went to look for it and can't find it. I'll be back with it. It showed me I did not have to be cold or hard hearted but compassionate (from a safe distance).

Good for you (((Betterway))). You are doing AWESOME!!!!

I'm going to have a great day. . .you do the same :-) !

finished

Finished,

What does compassionate mean to you? When I was first in alanon I hated alcoholics I hated anybody that even drank because of what alcholism had done in my life. Now I have compassion for alcoholics and great respect for recovering alcoholics and I don't think everybody that drinks is an alcoholic anymore. After the P. experience I can truly identify with the agonizing withdrawals from an addiction.

Maybe true compassion for P's and especially the P. I knew might come someday. Part of my "No Contact" pratice is that I have to guide my thoughts from magical thinking and any hope that the P. is not a P. or maybe he deserves a chance. I don't seem to obssess as much anymore about the betrayal but I can't allow myself right now to have any kind of good thoughts about the P.

I would be very interested in reading the post you were talking about if you can find it.

I am not real active in alanon right now, the P. confusion kinda took over all my energy for along time. I do remember my alanon sponsor telling me to pray for those people that hurt me. One of the prayers I use to say is "God forgive them for they know not what they do - and forgive me for I may not know what I do to them". Now that is fine and good but as far as P. goes I believe he does know what he did to me. I don't think he had the capacity to understand the depth of the pain he inflicted on me. But other times I do know he knew and enjoyed it (conflicting thoughts - hmmm, P. produced). Alanon help me find spirituality. I lost some of that with the P. experience. I have prayed for God to help me. The P. had always said I was the problem so I wanted God to help me change. In the back of my mind I knew asking God for help may mean I had to leave the situation. But I ignored that thought and hoped God would help me to be able to stay around P. God did help me with the problem - he helped me find this sight and gave me the strength and courage to get out. Like the footsteps poem - God carried me during the trials and suffering. It didn't always feel like it but I trust God was guiding me the whole way through.

The 3 A's (Awareness, Acceptance, Action). Got that from alanon. However, when I look at this whole very very long P. experience. I can see that finding this forum has given me so much awareness - I am no longer in the dark. I have come along way with acceptance. Taking action even though the pain was so terrible has pushed me along in recovery. I got a long way to go and just knowing that the forum is here and there are so many people that identify will keep me moving forward (even if I have slips here and there).


I will continue to think about how I can have compassion for the P. It is very sad that the P. has such great superficial qualities. It is sad that he has such great acting capabilities that he uses for evil - maybe he could make good money in Hollywood!! lol

Everybody have a great day!
betterway

Betterway!!

Still looking for that info. Your post and question to me was something that I need to think about. I do not want to give a glib or superficial answer. I know in my heart that I have been able to emotionally detach from P. It is different now. I still love P but it is very, very different. For me, love is not something that you can turn of and on like a light switch. I now see P now for who he is and what he is. I also have a greater understanding to why P's become P's. My reaction to him has become totally different.

I will be back to you when I find the piece that helped me to change my attitude towards this. Betterway, continue doing what works for you. I know for me I had to feel the anger and the bitterness until I could come to the place where I am at today. I believe that the P experience is very much like alcholism, cunning, baffling and powerful. Another this that I have learned is that P and N's usually have a problem with some kind of addiction. The addiction brings it to the fore front. Sam Vakin calls it co-morbidity.

I appreciate your posts Betterway. That last one really caused me to look inside to be able to describe what I mean by compassion. Thank you for asking the question. It was very thought provoking and I did not want to give you a "trite" answer. I'm still thinking. . .

With love,
finished