Hi again Dusty!

Here's another one I couldn't remember last night.

In the circle of life. . ."What we send into the lives of others comes back into our own".

That's good to know isn't it??? !!!! Maybe another take could be "poetic justice".

Have a GREAT day Dusty.

(((more hugs)))
finished

Website of Patricia Evans

It's three in the morning and I am awake and crying. I'm not crying becasue he's gone. I'm crying because I am very alone. I feel like nobody cares about me at all.

No contact is not a problem. My P has dumped me and is of course not willing to contact me. It's not all that hard for me to not call although I think about it. How is no contact going to help me cope with what's left after this devastation.

He's done this before, is gone for a year and then comes back. Except this time is different. He's on lithium. It seems to help him be a better P. He doesn't need me anymore. I can't offer financial support.

What is with this leaving and coming back that they do. I don't understand it. Could you explain to me the mechanics of this behavior. My P would leave when our relationship was in my view doing well. It seemed unrelated to me (his leaving). What is that

>>I don't understand it. Could you explain to me the mechanics of this behavior. My P would leave when our relationship was in my view doing well. It seemed unrelated to me (his leaving). What is that<<

Algaringo. . .his leaving has NOTHING to do with you. It is all about him. His stuff. He is a P. He has no conscience. He could care less about your pain. The no contact rule is for you. As you see less of him the more you can heal. When I am around P#2 it stirs up all that old emotional garbage. Then it takes awhile to get my head on straight again. I know you are in pain right now. It will be hard for a while but there will come a time when things will begin to change but only if you learn all you can as fast as you can. It is a living nightmare with these P's.

Take care of yourself Algaringo.

Love
finished

I imagine that P's must go into addiction as a way of feeling something. If you are emotionally vacant what better than to find the rollercoaster ride of drugs. The problem is that they the p's, at least my ex are drugs too. His effect on me was cocaine like. There would be the high of the charm and touchy feely followed by the 13 floor elevator drop of rejection. And I would be chasing that high and trying to avoid that withdrawal.

The funny thing is that what I can't explain is how he got so much worse the final year. He started functioning better and making money. He became increasingly callous, obsessed with business. Almost a more efficient P.

As to forgiveness which betterway mentions in the preceding post that it has a place after complete detachment. I am finding it easier to detach by being angry at him and recognizing him for the evil human being I think he is.

I think it also helped to see that once he got on lithium instead of becoming a more even tempered better person, he became more efficient at his psychopathy. That is frightening. He has finally scared me to death, and I've reached my bottom.

Algaringo

>>As to forgiveness which betterway mentions in the preceding post that it has a place after complete detachment. I am finding it easier to detach by being angry at him and recognizing him for the evil human being I think he is.<<

For me anger came before forgiveness. I got there eventually but only after I was able to understand the underlying dynamics of what made P a P. His childhood experience was probably very similar to mine. Somewhere along the line he developed into a P and I developed with my own stuff. . .codependant stuff. I became "addicted" to P's.

>>I think it also helped to see that once he got on lithium instead of becoming a more even tempered better person, he became more efficient at his psychopathy. That is frightening. He has finally scared me to death, and I've reached my bottom.<<

I hear you Algaring. I have been there also. You are in my heartfelt prayers. I am praying for your safety and protection . . .and the answers you are seeking.

finished

Hi everybody,

Some things happened this week (not contact, thank God) that have triggered some anger. Then this morning I woke up after a somewhat indirect P related dream and felt some old feelings of PTSD.

I am so tired of the "P" going through life acting as if he is so special and people treating him that way. Those around him also get special treatment from others, good treatment if part of his world, bad if they are on to him. He loves others to know he is being treated special. He says they are jealous. Do you see it as jealousy?

I want to stay neutral concerning the P. I don't like him, I don't hate him, he is nothing. And I know when I feel anger or think about P's manipulative controlling world that I am giving him power that he doesn't deserve.

Thank you all for being here. I almost emailed a sarcastic little note about the most recent "specialness" to a past coworker that I still speak to on a rare occasion. Right before sending it I thought of all you guys and deleted that part of the message.

Hopefull, so glad you are heading up the hill of recovery.
Its been a pretty steep hill for me. Hopefully I will never roll all the way back down again. Good to see you, hopefull.

Oh, one other thing. I slipped this week and said something mean about P. to somebody. I feel guilt or maybe it is fear.

betterway

Betterway,
It good to hear that you are ok. I do have dream as well. they are always disturbing, I still think of that episode of my life. I feel I have lost of confidence. I have to do so much work on all areas. It is not an easy one.
keep on going!

Hi Betterway!!!

>>I am so tired of the "P" going through life acting as if he is so special and people treating him that way. Those around him also get special treatment from others, good treatment if part of his world, bad if they are on to him. He loves others to know he is being treated special. He says they are jealous. Do you see it as jealousy?<<<

I think healthy people see P for who and what he is. I don't think they are one bit jealous. Healthy people would not be fooled or drawn in to P's game and if they were. . .eventually they would see it and get out ASAP!

>>And I know when I feel anger or think about P's manipulative controlling world that I am giving him power that he doesn't deserve.<<

Don't you think the anger is directed more on the behavior now that on the P? For me, it is repulsive and disgusting to see others make over him so when I know how he really is. Then. . .on the other hand. . .he knows that I know more about him than he would want me to know. Knowledge is power Betterway. It helps me realize that no one can sustain a relationship with him for a long period of time without becoming either wise to his stuff or spiraling down like I did.

>> I slipped this week and said something mean about P. to somebody. I feel guilt or maybe it is fear<<

You are a human being. . .and if you said something mean about P. . .it's no big deal. You have been dealt a devestating blow by P. One that is taking you years to get over. A mean comment once and a while is normal I would think. Probably needful. Let go of that guilt Betterway. . .there is no need!

(((hugs)))
finished

Hi finished,

Thanks for your post. I responded back to it the other day and the post got lost in cyberspace.


>>Don't you think the anger is directed more on the behavior now that on the P? For me, it is repulsive and disgusting to see others make over him so when I know how he really is. Then. . .on the other hand. . .he knows that I know more about him than he would want me to know.<<

I think since I'm not around the P. behavior on a daily basis anymore that maybe my anger is more directed at the behavior not him personally. He is like the energizer bunny, he just keeps on going on and on and on(I heard or read that somewhere). He is who he is and he is gonna keep on doing what he has always done. Just not to me anymore.

Have a great P. free day,
betterway