Betterway:

ha!...i hear u!

i have to watch for burgundy pick up trucks......i see them all over......and i try not to!!!

(((Dusty,Betterway)))

God bless you for you words of encouragement and validation. I can mentally assent to the progess of putting it behind. . .putting it into practice is a whole nother thing.

Today is a new day. I'm practicing step 1,2,& 3. Thank you for being here my friends.

(((love)))
finished

>>I can mentally assent to the progess of putting it behind. . .putting it into practice is a whole nother thing. <<

Yes, finished, very hard to put into practice. I found that I could know in my head that I needed to put it all behind me, yet my heart wouldn't let me. I gave so much of myself to that friendship that letting go with my heart was the hardest thing I have had to do. Give it time, finished, as long as your moving forward (even if we have little slips)is what matters. The P. use to tell me to do what is in my heart. LOL. To walk away was not in my heart, but it has been the best thing for me in the long run.

Enjoy today,
betterway

Betterway and Finished,

Yes, I am often able to keep my eyes looking straight ahead when I pass through my P's neighborhood. However, more often than not I do look. Fortunately, I am not in that area of town so often. I have encounterd my P's vehicle... parked downtown. Fortunately, my P was not in the vehicle...nor did I go looking. I will say that it did make me sick to my stomach though.
You know, once we have spent a great deal of time with people (in general) we are able to read them in a way....their body language, facial expressions, perhaps picking up on the subtle symbols that enable us to decipher what is going through their heads. I was never able to do this with my P (and I would consider myself a very intuitive and aware person). I commented that "I can't read you" and my P said to me "yes, everyone says that...and when people try to read me I back off, step away."
On another note I had dinner this week with a business associate. He started telling me of a recent, short-lived relationship...only two months. However, he was absolutely transfixed by this person and started behaving in ways that he would not typically find himself behaving in. Things began to seem odd to him, this other person was lying quite a bit, wasn't able to commit to anything in the future, was not able to express emotions, had a rather blank stare in the eyes, was incredibly good looking/attractive. Anyhow, it all sounded like familiar territory to me...and I asked my friend some key questions. Certainly I don't want to seem like a paranoid...but it is interesting that P-like behavior seems to be on the rise. This story ends on a bittersweet note as this (potential P) committed suicide recently. Acutally, I think my friend is rather fortunate not to have to live with the ghost of a living person.....at least there is some closure on a a certain level.

Rick

>> I commented that "I can't read you" and my P said to me "yes, everyone says that...and when people try to read me I back off, step away."<<

P. spent alot of time making sure people couldn't read him. He enjoyed making people believe things were a way they really weren't. He told me he liked to make people wonder what he was up to. When D&D started I confronted him and he said "things aren't always as they seem, are they". He had me and all the others (well, almost all of them) fooled. He loves it that only I know the truth of what really happened. It is our little secret that he was so afraid I would let out, so he had to quiet me with psycho terror.

In the end I realized that P. had several different personalities. I was talking to him on the phone one time as he walked from his motorcycle in to his office and he changed in an instant as he walked through the door. He was talking to me normally (at least what I thought was normal at the time) and then he switches to high charm with everybody in the office and devalues me with his voice. It was as if I wasn't even there and he just wanted to get off the phone and walk into his new scenario he had been creating.

This is all very interesting to me. I am able now with "NO CONTACT" to begin to see things clearer since the pain is not "In My Face" on a daily basis.

betterway

To Recovery:

Hi - just seen you on line - hope you see this before you log off.

I've read your story and there are so many points of similarity to mine. Especially the fact that yours was even worse when he gave up drink, and used going back to drink as a perpetual threat. Mine was like that two. Both of them were child abusers as well. I really feel for you and your fight to have him denied access to your little girl. Am praying for both of you.

Ali

Hi Ali

I just dip in and out while at work. Everytime the similarities are mentioned I get a shiver down my spine - it is uncanny how they operate on such a similar basis. This makes me believe that it is nature rather than nurture that causes most of the damage prior to birth and also explains why there is an almost zero chance of 'curing' a real P. It also explains why they can hide so well behind a normal family of parents and siblings. Also explains why so many people who were badly abused as children do not grow up to be a P but - although damaged - can lead a pretty normal life. I think nurture has a part to play in producing some pretty nasty types, though not necessarilly Ps. I have skimmed your story but will read it and get back to you too. Nice to hear from you - even though we could all do without the past that has brought us to this site.

Best of luck
recovery

Yes, the similarities in all our stories are scary. Also, the similarities in the way we all put up with this unbelievably bad behaviour for no logical reason. It's made me feel a lot better about my own sanity to know that there are others who have experienced the same things. There have been a lot of times I have doubted myself - could he REALLY have been that bad, or am I a nutter and making things up in my own mind? But since reading this site I know that it is not me - he really was that bad, and it was typical P behaviour.

I agree with you that it is nature rather than nurture. My P had a wonderful mother and a stable home life, although his father was a bit of an alcoholic. Knowing that it is probably a deformity of the brain makes it much easier to stop hating them. Hate is such a corrosive emotion. It also makes it much easier to realise that no contact is the only hope, as they will never change. Very sad.

Does anyone else have this problem? And how do you deal with it? It's now many years since I left the P and a couple of years since I last had any contact with him. But I have a real problem with having a relationship with anyone else. I'm fine when on my own, but as soon as I get involved with a man (or even THINK about getting involved!) I start getting PTSD flashbacks and become a nervous wreck all over again. Any comments and ideas would be appreciated!

Ali,

I have the same problem. I am extremely hesitant to meet anyone and have a hard time considering romance at this point. When I have gone out on dates and, at the odd moment, found myself feeling comfortable and interested I hear a voice in my head that says "hold on....you don't really know this person." Then I start asking calculated questions concerning emotion, feelings, past relationships, friendships, family, etc..... Of course this all ruins it for me in a way. I don't enjoy having to think like a CIA operative! I want to trust someone wholeheartedly. BUT I'm not really sure that I will ever be able to do that again.

I have really been in a downward cycle these days.... thinking, obsessing, re-living events. Perhaps it is the way the planets are aligned right now!? Does anyone else feel this way at this moment?

Rick