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#9379 - 03/07/10 04:05 AM Re: My story [Re: Dianne E.]
delvene Offline
member

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1
Hi everyone, I am a new member -

I don't know if my story is the same as everyone elses, all I know is that I met somebody who completely destroyed any semblance of self I had. For two years after it ended I cried EVERY SINGLE DAY from morning to night and wished myself dead for relief...

Lucky for me, that I met my now husband - a wonderful, humble man who picked me up out of the debris...and helped me like myself again. No idea where I would be otherwise.

It starts before the actual story starts. I was involved with my 1st husband for 12 years - although he was not a psychopath, we had a volatile, abusive relationship...to the point that there would be weeks when we were in the house and not even utter one single word to one another...It came to a head after the birth of our third child, who has down syndrome...(on some level he needed to blame me for it because he was unable to deal with it) - So, I packed up my three children and moved back to the area where I grew up to be close to my family.

I was 33, flat broke, had never worked and could see myself with not many options.

So, I took a job selling novelty bags on Saturday's and Sunday's, for very meager money, and enrolled in college as a mature aged student during the week.

This is where the real story begins:

I decided I was going to do a course in Network Management/Engineering as the big IT boom was still in the early stages...and I was thinking about the best ways to be able to support myself.

J* was a lecturer in one of my classes. Straight away he had more presense than anyone I had ever seen. The students flocked to him on their lunch breaks. I wouldn't say he was handsome, in any classic sense of the word, but he was the most attractive, confident man I had ever known - (To this day I am still attracted to him).

At this point it gets fuzzy - He screwed with my mind so much that for a long time I did not know what was real and what wasn't - I have been to counselling over this...but there is still a confusion that I cannot shake.

I can say at first, when first meeting him, I thought he was full of himself - and I never spoke to him outside of class...

Something changed and I started to feel protective towards him, as if I was entirely responsible for his mood.

I never sought him out. NEVER. I knew he was married, due to his wedding ring...But he started to seek me out. Before and after college and during breaks. He was so charming, so caring, so witty, and so funny....that going to college became about *J. And nothing else.

Then he stopped wearing his wedding ring.

When we were in his class, he would sit next to me with his leg touching mine...and master flirt with me.

Him: *D wants everything.
Me: What do you mean I want everything.
Him: (A wink) Sorry Freudian slip.

Midway through my course (18 months through) I got offered a job - a well paying job - from a firm that I had been doing some temp work for. So I deffered the rest of my study and left college.

Thats when he started calling me at home.

He told me he was going to call over on his way home from work one day, for a cup of coffee, to talk to me about how the job was going, catch up and ect. At this time, please understand, I was already smitten, so I agreed.

He came.

He sat me down.

"I have left my wife. YOU drive me crazy. What are we going to do about this."

That is when our relationship started.

All the way through I had the feeling that he had never left his wife. Little things. He would stay over but have to leave at 5am in the morning...Among other things that made me confront him about it. The reply I got was this:

"Why would I lie to you? I am in love with you. I don't use those words lightly because I have been hurt by them."

He told me he wanted to marry me. Had big plans for the future....But still it was always peppered with uncertainty on my part...

To the point where I made him PROMISE that what he was saying was true. He did so without blinking an eyelid.

When it all came out in the open...he had been away on a holiday with his football buddies.

We had been speaking three times daily on the phone, and when he came back he was coming to spend the week at my house. He had asked me that while he was away, I told my ex-husband about him (who was still trying to get back with me) - and also told my kids that he was more than JUST a friend...

I did all of this. (Now trusting him implicitely)

On the day he was due to arrive at my house, he never turned up. This was a man who rang me 4, 5, 6 times a day and I never heard from him for a week.

Then he called, said we needed to talk, and arranged to pick me up for dinner.

Over dinner:

"I can't leave my family."

Me: "You told me you'd already left."

He ignored that comment. Looked at me in a way that made me feel stupid for believing what he'd told me. (Like I should have SOMEHOW known that it was a lie).

Then I started crying - I was devestated.

Then, of all things, he offered me his alternative - AN AFFAIR. I promptly refused.

Over the next few months, in the middle of dealing with my own grief, I started to feel sorry for him. Started to feel bad about myself for not being smart enough, and understanding the "ways" of "PEOPLE" for not figuring it out sooner. Absolved him by concluding that he probably thought I knew, and if I had of been smarter, I would have.

I wrote him an email - basically saying, "Don't feel bad, you are still a good teacher, it was a two way street...ect, ect"

He promptly rang me.

"Please can we still be friends. Please can we talk on the phone occasionally. I am having second thoughts. I am so sorry. I really really miss you. I think about you every day."

So I said yes.

Understand, I never EVER called him once.

But a few weeks later, on New Years Eve I sent a group message wishing everyone a happy new year.

The next day I got a message with the txt. "I no longer want to be your friend. Do not contact me again."

I wrote back. "Okay fine. Whatever."

Then the phone rang and it was his wife. She was the one who had messaged me.

He had twisted the whole story around, like he had never done anything...had been an innocent party and I was a home wrecker trying to take him away from his family. He had not told her I was his student. That we had been involved at all as anything other than friends. And he'd never left her.

When I told her my point of view - She immediately gave him an excuse - "Oh he was probably just having a mid life crisis. He is feeling old." (He was 50 at the time.)

Everyone else gave him an excuse too. Friends I had made at college, listened and ohhed and ummed, but suddenly I was the bad guy. The home wrecker.

Because he is so charismatic everybody adores him. He is like a people magnet.

I had a complete nervous breakdown after his wife called - even started to believe that maybe it was all in my head, that I had made it all up, that I was insane. This is how much he had me doubting myself. (lucky, lucky, lucky for me that I had saved his emails and his txts- because that has been a Godsend. I know that I am not insane. I have proof.)

Worse though, I still loved him. I tried to twist things around to make him innocent...It was easier to believe that I was the bad guy.

For two years after that I COULD NOT FUNCTION. I left my job. I nearly got my children taken off me by my ex husband, because all I could do was lay in bed all day crying...and I thought, for the first time in my life, about suicide on a number of occasions.

There is so much more to this story that I do not have the capacity to even write down...and the length would make it unreadable. All I can say is that I now know that there are people who can completely, completely destroy others through manipulation.

Before then, I never, ever knew such evil existed.

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#10926 - 03/30/11 08:10 AM Elvie's story [Re: delvene]
Elvie Offline
member

Registered: 03/25/11
Posts: 17
I don't wanna call this guy psychopath at this point because I don't want a label to prejudge anything, you know? It's possible he isn't a psychopath, and one reason I'm telling this story is to find out what others think about that. So I'll call him X, if that's ok.

I'm also changing some of the actual circumstances etc to make it harder to recognise his identity in the small chance that anyone he knows finds this place.

I first met X when we were both in our twenties. He a little older than me. We both worked in a local store part time. I was separated from my first husband, with a small child to raise, and was living with my widowed mother, having recently moved back from living abroad. He was Oxbridge educated, with a good degree, but had recently dropped out of studying for his phD and was also living back with his parents, working at a job for which he was ridiculously over-qualified and nursing some slightly half-baked plans to be an actor.

Unlike a lot of you here I didn't fall in love with this guy, I just kinda liked him. He was not too tall, good looking in a clean cut slightly preppy kind of way, and with a very English, obviously highly intelligent, nerdy, but with a great sense of humor. He gave off a 'what you see is what you get' kind of vibe: gentle, humorous, quite sweet, naïve and uncomplicated. He'd had a few brief relationships with women, all casual and – he said – more or less disastrous. And one live-in Chinese girlfriend who'd gone back to Hong Kong a year or so before we met.

As I said, there were no fireworks, but we started seeing each other. I'd just got out of a fairly nasty marriage to a controlling man. X seemed safe by comparison, and 'safe' was just what I wanted right then. He seemed to really like my little boy, struck up a friendship with him, played games with him. He was sweet and soft-spoken and thoughtful. Always willing to do what I wanted. Always happy to go along with my plans or ideas. I felt softly nurtured. It was healing.

But even then there was something a little odd. I mean he was a very intelligent man, yet he seemed to have absolutely no awareness of and no interest in his own deeper motivations. He'd give reasons for things he'd done in the past that were obviously the kind of things you offer as 'public' excuses, while knowing inside your own heart they are not really true or only partly true, you know? Yet when I'd say stuff like “sure but that wasn't the only reason was it?” (as you do sometimes) he'd just look at me blankly. It was like one of those robots in Star Trek . You could almost see his brain flickering and the words 'does not compute' flashing up in front of his eyes.

To give one early and quite benign example: he told me the story of his relationship with the Chinese gf, and said it had ended because she'd gone back to Hong Kong. He said she'd wanted him to go with her, but he didn't have the money for the fare. I said, “sure, but you prob didn't wanna go all that much, yeah, because if you had you'd have just found the money somehow.”

He gave me the blank look. “No, I just couldn't afford it.”

“So, you wanted to be with her but it had to end cuz you couldn't scrape an air fair together?”

“Uh, yeah”.

“And you never thought to suggest she could come back to the UK?”

“Uh, no”.

“Did she mind you not going over there?”

“Uh yeah she wrote and said she wanted me to be there so we could get married”

“You were supposed to be getting married?”

“Uh, well, she wanted to I suppose”

“And what about you?”

“Uhhh...I gueeessssess...but I couldn't afford the fare”

Well, it sounds like crap doesn't it? Vague, weasel-worded crap. I mean it just doesn't add up. But when I said so there was just the blank look and silence, so in the end I just let it go. Figured he was poor with expressing his feelings, got easily con fused or something.

Few years down the line he told me how he'd been surprised when she suddenly said she wanted him to go out there and get married and he'd written to say “thanks for planning out my life”, and that had ended things.

Few months later still I found out she was still writing to his mother (who liked her a lot more than she liked me) and sent him a note after our first child was born saying “I love you and little Y” (our son's name).

He has always professed not to have a clue why any of that was happening.

But that's jumping ahead anyway.

A few months after X and I became an item my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My father was already dead, so as an only child I ended up taking care of her and my small son pretty much on my own. To make it worse the doctors didn't tell her the terminal part – they told me. And since she obviously didn't want to know I ended up keeping the secret to myself. It was a pretty hellish time. Looking back, it's maybe significant I didn't confide in X, even though I was seeing him. To be honest he became a fairly peripheral figure while I was coping with everything. He'd help if I asked, but never really enquired or expressed much concern.

When my mother was taken into hospital after a fit, and I was told she probably wouldn't becoming home again, I asked X to come stay at the house for a while. To be clear, I wasn't asking him to move in, I just needed someone to be there to take care of my little boy while I as doing hospital visits, and to be honest I welcomed just having another human presence in the house. He was an obvious choice because my little boy was used to him and enjoyed his company. He willingly said yes and came to stay, sleeping in the spare room, saying he was happy to just be a friend while I needed one. I was probably a lot more messed up than I realised at the time, and acting quite oddly. I started up a hopeless relationship with an old (married) bf, without even knowing why, which only added to the angst, so I was grateful for having X there to be kind and non-judgemental and listen to my various woes.

But some time in the months following something very weird happened that I've only recently begun to think about. During this time my mother died, and her alcoholic sister came to stay, had a fall, broke her pelvis and ended up in the very same hospital ward that my mother had died in, then camr back to my house to stay for a looong convalescence. She had also had cancer and was suffering from cirrhosis of the liver, so coping with her sickness and her bouts of drinking took up a lot of my time. Maybe that helps explain how I didn't notice what happened. But I'm not sure it does...

But anyhow, some time between the October when he came to stay, and the following summer X seamlessly morphed from being a 'friend' who had moved in temporarily to help me out, into a live-in partner, who was violently jealous of the way I had been 'selfishly' carrying on with the married bf I'd been seeing. The odd thing is I don't remember when the change happened. It was just suddenly the way things were. As if X managed to change all the rules while I wasn't looking, and all that previous agreement was just forgotten – by me as well as him – and another reality was imposed!

It sounds so crazy, and I don't really know how to explain it. I guess I was very very isolated at that time; both parents dead, extended family not wanting to get involved in all the trauma of death and illness. And with a small boy to raise. I was probably quite traumatised too I guess with all the sickness and fear. I remember feeling floaty and detached a lot of the time, as if I was looking at life through perspex. As if nothing was quite real.But I'm not sure than can really explain it.

Anyhow, somehow, X had stopped being the friend who was helping me out and had become my live-in partner who was indignant and jealous about me 'betraying' him with this 'other man'. Even after I stopped seeing him, X would rage about him, get drunk, fly into incredible, incendiary rages you'd never have guessed him capable of on first meeting. It was like being bludgeoned into submission. “Accept you've been cruel and evil to me or I'll just keep screaming at you” sort of deal.

I knew somewhere in my mind that this was insane, but just couldn't find the focus and energy to express it. I was just kind of grateful when he was being nice, and tried to avoid saying anything that would make it all start up again – though even so, whenever it did start up X would say I'd provoked it be being unreasonable in some way.

I also started to be dimly aware of something odd about him and his mother. She'd never much liked me, but there's nothing that unusual about that in a 'mother-in-law'. .One thing that felt odd was the strength of the hostility. The first time he took me to her home it was probably one of the most coldly hostile atmospheres I have ever encountered. She was polite, made us tea and did impeccable small talk, but it felt like the air was solidifying around me as I sat there; as if she was emanating some kind of weird force field that was almost suffocating me. Twenty-something years on I can still remember it. Never felt anything so coldly implacable from that day to this.

And it never got much better with her. Given that I was a twenty-something 'orphan' at the time her son moved in with me, and given she had no daughters of her own, you could imagine she might have taken me in as the daughter she never had, or at least tried to be a mother to me to some extent. I used to wish she would do that. But no. Oh she was mostly quite amiable, but in that chilly, formal way, with disapproval always peeking through. And she'd sometimes make covert derogatory remarks, or sometimes quite direct and devastatingly rude comments.

A friend who witnessed her talk to me one evening leaned in to whisper “Oh my she hates you”.

And yes, I think she did. Though I never knew why.

But the truly odd thing was that X seemed to be unconcerned about it, and seemed to make no effort to bring us together. In fact quite the opposite. So often he'd seem to accidentally end up putting me in some bad light or another when his mother was visiting. Make it seem - without actually saying anything directly critical - I was being lazy, selfish, or incompetent.

It was weird really. He had no interest in contacting her, and would neglect to call or visit for so long I'd feel I had to say “you should call your mum, she'll be wondering what's up with you”. Yet when she was around he'd be on his best behaviour; kind and considerate to her, and somehow giving the impression he was desperately hen-pecked by me. He never flew into a rage while she was there. Never got drunk or violent. And when I asked him to do anything he'd jump up and do it as if he lived only to please me.

She obviously thought I was a lazy slut and just didn't deserve him. And I suspect she thought he went so long without contacting her because I made him do it. He probably never actually told her that – because he doesn't often do that. But I'm sure he somehow managed to let her assume it, you know? That's the way he always works – using little hints and half-truths and careful omissions to sort of lay a trail for people to follow. That way he can lead someone to believe something while being able to claim later that he never intended them to get that impression and it was all a terrible mistake.

(I think that's more than enough for now; it's unfair to ask anyone to read any more than this at one go, and it's kind of exhausting trying to frame it all in words! I might try and tell more later. But if anyone doe read through it, I'd like to know how it seems to them; is this man a psychopath? or just highly mesed up?)

be well

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#10933 - 03/30/11 01:58 PM Re: Elvie's story [Re: Elvie]
Violet Offline
member

Registered: 07/08/10
Posts: 105
Elvie,

I have read through your posts a few times and I am trying to form a picture....Several thoughts come to mind. The first thing that I wanted to tell you is that you really have no reason to concern yourself with rambling or the length of your post. I will respond here with a long winded and wordy post to ease your mind smile Posting here serves more than one purpose. You may have initially posted here looking for answers, confirmation, validation, and empathy. But beyond that, there is great healing to be found when we write about our experiences. Something about organizing our thoughts in written form also helps us organize our thoughts and feelings within our mind and heart. We were never offered a course in writing to help us describe our most painful experiences. So cut yourself some slack, even if your post feels awkwardly worded to you. I read through a few of your posts, and I think that you express yourself fairly clearly. Please, don't concern yourself with rambling or wordiness, that really is irrelevant.

You are asking us if we think that this man is a psychopath? I am inclined to think so based on the information you have given us so far. I am sure that you have heard of the Hare psychopathy checklist? Have you taken a look at it to see if you recognize if he has the majority of the traits? In my personal experience, it was the Hare checklist which confirmed for me that my daughter's father is indeed a psychopath. It was not a matter of, "well, he has a few of these traits...." In my case, he has EVERY single trait that is listed. I couldn't deny it if I had wanted to. But I did not want to deny it.

Like other members here, there was a feeling of adrenaline upon the confirmation of his psychopathy. An immediate feeling of partial closure in the sense that it was not, "all in my head," followed by a strong sense of panic, "what- this is the same psychological spectrum of serial killers!?!" Prior to my learning about psychopathy, I had always known that there was something not right with him. I always knew that he had an anger management problem. I knew that he had been in many altercations with the law. I knew about his drinking problem as well as his violent tendencies. So before anyone ever mentioned the possibility that he was a psychopath, I knew he was a liar, a cheater, a drunk, and a thug. Yet looking back at all of it collectively, and placing it on a list of psychopathy traits, was an unforgetable and undeniable moment.

Sitting at my computer I felt relieved, that there wasn't a problem with ME bacause I couldn't, "just get over everything." It put all of my pain in a new place. I felt that I was no longer the person who made bad bad decisions to be involved with this man. Upon discovering he was a psychopath, I was able to view myself as a VICTIM. This is such an important realization towards healing. I can understand your urgency for an official answer. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to give you an official diagnosis. There are several things that you have told us which certainly give reason for you to question if he is a psychopath...

He attempted to commit murder. Very scary. His openness to talk about and admit his intentions are very alarming and suggestive that he has little if no conscious. You mentioned that he had a psychological evaluation. You were informed that it was likely he has a personality disorder, and counseling was suggested. That speaks volumes. Most mental health professionals do not loosely throw around the term "personality disorder."

You mentioned that your relationship developed with him shortly after you had just gotten out of a nasty marriage to a controlling man. It is not uncommon for a psychopath to seek out victims while they are vulnerable. He moved in on the scene while you were still on the rebound.

You said that he dropped out of a PhD program. Psychopaths have a hard time sticking to one thing. They can have a hard time taking projects to completion. You also said that he had half baked plans to be an actor. My ex-psychopath had half baked plans to be a performer as well, he was going to be a great singer. He talked big stuff about how is singing career would take off. At the time, I thought he had great potential too, he certainly had the confidence.

My ex-psychopath portrayed that he had been through a disastrous relationship as well. She was horribly mean to him. It took him very little time to have me feeling quite sorry for him. Years later, I found out she was the one being tormented by him.

I felt the same way at first that you described. Almost as if he managed to create exactly what it would take for me to jump right in. He seemed to really like my friends, my family. He was sweet and soft-spoken. Always willing to do what I wanted. Always happy to go along with my plans or ideas. My ex-Psychopath also offered "public" type excuses for things he had done in the past. Q: "Why don't you have your driver's license?" A: "I got into some trouble stealing cars when I was younger." Answers that only admitted slight responsibility, with enough remorse to stop me from further questioning.

The blank stare. Yes, we understand the blank stare. The blank stare of a man misunderstood. The blank stare of someone who is hurting and suffering. The blank stare with a glimmer of hope that you are the one to complete him, make him right. The blank stare mistakenly interpreted as intensity, passion, and longing in the soul. The blank stare that in reality is the result of the brain's lack of ability to send and receive signals of emotional processing and understanding.

The blank look that represents hate, love, dedication, and betrayal all at once. He would look at me with that blank stare and tell me that he was going to marry me. He looked at me with that blank stare and told me that he was in love with me (within the first week, how could I have possibly thought that was sincere!) The same blank stare when he played with that large kitchen knife, telling me he was going to slice up my face. The same blank stare when he would say to me, "we are in this together." The same blank stare when he said, "Yeah, so what if I F*&%$# her, I make love to you."

Psychopaths like to leave relationships open-ended. They frequently use avoidance, or very little communication to leave us stringing along, years later. I am not surprised to hear your X was still encouraging communication between his ex gf and his mother. Have you considered that they may have had a child together?

My ex-Psychopath always played stupid as well. Having, "no clue" what I was getting so upset about. I could hold the evidence in front of his face, and he would call me a liar and somehow turn his dishonesty in to my paranoia and hurtful accusations. They talk in circles. That is how they manage to flip things around without us even realizing it. They are big on loyalty issues. My ex always got himself worked up about the various ways in which I had "betrayed" him. How I chose the dog over him, chose my family over him. Whenever he did something wrong, it turned out that way because of something I had done to "betray" him in the first place.

Regarding the mother-in-law hating you...that makes sense. None of my ex-Psychopaths friends ever liked me. That was because he always badmouthed me to them. No doubt, he was bad mouthing you to his mother. Unlikely that you were being defensive or imagining her hostility. Psychopaths never really have strong ties to their families. Long lengths of time without communication are not uncommon. My ex-Psychopath had absolutely no contact with any of his extended family. The only family he had when I met him were his children. (he never married their mother). Just as you described, he would neglect to call or contact his children for so long, that I would have to suggest it. When he did see them, it was based upon plans I had suggested.

Little hints and half-truths, that sounds familiar too. It is advantagous for them to operate like this. As you said, they leave a little trail for people to follow. And the other half of the truth? Well, they can always adjust that other half on the spot to make it work for each situation. Intricate lies and manipulation.

So, to answer your question...Is he "highly messed up?"....uuhhhh, for sure! He tried to murder his own mother!
Is he a psychopath?...there is more evidence pointing toward it than away from it. How is his relationship with your children? You mentioned he only recently landed a secure job? You mentioned that you have been separated from him for years, does he just wander back around when he feels like it? Has he been in any other legal trouble, aside from the attempted murder?

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#10935 - 03/30/11 02:48 PM Re: Elvie's story [Re: Violet]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
I have a question rattling in my mind. Is his mother still alive or died of "natural causes", if dead did he gain financially. If she is alive what is their relationship with her and does he have any siblings that knew of his murder plans?

Speaking of long winded, I developed a chronic habit, I am in the habit of being a chronic saver of text as I go along so I will usually write in Word to appease my fear of losing the copy. When I write an email I am in the habit of clicking “save in drafts”. It took losing a couple long winded posts or emails and now the habit is so much a part of how I operate at the computer I would have to admit it is indeed chronic;)

On the flip side I don't have to write my long winded pieces more than once, lol.

Di

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#11236 - 06/17/11 03:03 AM Re: Elvie's story [Re: Dianne E.]
Boglin Offline
member

Registered: 06/15/11
Posts: 20
Hello,

I am new here, and think I posted my story in the wrong place yesterday.

Having read so man terrible stories, I count myself very lucky to only habe this one to report.

I don't know whether I have dealt with a psychopath, or someone who is normal but just seems to have a very, very nasty side, but I have been deeply, deeply hurt in the past and my most recent encounter with her has left me convinced that she was deliberately trying to destroy my life.

To cut a very long story very short:

In 2004, to my surprise, I fell insanely in love with another woman. She fell in love with me, too, but at the final second, panicked and pretended she hadn't, and was very very spiteful and verbally abusive to me. I was left doubting my perceptions and, indeed, my sanity. I was emotionally devastated that someone I had loved and trusted so mcuh had done this to me. She talked about me to other people who knew me, telling them I was mad, and the trouble was, I was so hurt and angry and confused, that I probably came across as someone who had lost it. In essence, I had a nervous/emotional breakdown.

I tried and tried to get her to talk to me and explain her cruel behaviour, but there was total shut down on her part. In my pain and confusion, I emailed her every day for six months, on a fruitless quest for answers. I am and will always remain convinced that she got every one of my emails, but in the end, she shut down her email address and got a new one.

I had limited contact with her for the next seven years - I let her know (via a friend) when i had a baby and she congratulated me.

She came back into my life this year. She is a novelist (so am I) and has just had her first book published to great acclaim. She asked me - by phone - to go to Seattle and meet her for four nights on a book tour which her US publisher was sending her on (we are both English). I said no, it wsa too mental. (I live in England ans she lives in France.) She said Please. I said ok. Booked tickets.

We then had a crisis, when her publisher altered the dates of her tour, and on the day I was meeting her in Seattle, she was now going to be in San Francisco. However, she didn't phone or email me to tell me this. She just announced it on her website.

I noticed that she never, ever referred to our plans in any emails we shared. Only ever by phone. Whenever I addressed them in an email, she avoided any answer. I now realise this was to protect herself.

I sent her loads of emails over the course of a weend, asking her what I was meant to do with mt ticket to Seattle, cos the airline wouldn't give me a refund. I was very cross and upset. She didn't reply to any of my emails. In fact, I didn't hear from her for three weeks. I tried to sell my tockets, or get a refund, but I couldn't. Eventually, I phoned her and she asked me to meet her in San Francisco instead, but I felt instinctively that she had left the 'relationship' by now.

A week before we were due to meet, she flew out to America. I couldn't contact her, so I emailed her through Facebook to try and finalise the arrnagements, asking her to meet me at the airport, etc. She didn't reply to my mails, but I just said I had to go (because I couldn't get rid of the tickets, and it was an arrangement we had), we didn't need to pursue a relationship, we could just be friends and get the horrible past between us to a good place.

She wasn't at the airport to meet me. I was very upset. I went to the bookshop where she was doing her reading and she pretended to be surprsied to see me. She shouted at me, said she didn't know why I was there, and told me to go away and get on with my life. She was very nasty. 'I have nothing to say to you,' she said.

As I walked away, I looked through the window and she was laughing.

In my upset, I then emailed her via FB and said, 'this trip has cost me 2 grand. I suggest you give me 2 grand or I'll tell your husband.' Of course, I would not really have done this, but I was distraught.

As soon as she got home, she contacted the police and said I had been stalking her for seven years. The police came to my house, took me to the station and made me make a statement, which I did - being totally honest. They then read me her statement and, though some of it was true (I had emailed her a lot after she told me she didn't love me and I was heartbroken, cos she was telling so many lies, I was really confused) it was also full of lies - that I was an alcoholic, that'd I'd joined a group of lesbians and asked her to join it with me (!!), that I'd sent her lesbian pornography, that I used to demand information about her intimate life with her husband, that she believed I was very troubled and could be violent, that I had made six silent phone calls to her husband while she was away. She even went as far as to say she believed I had Scizophrenia.

Anyway, there was no arguing. The police were on her side and they cautioned me for stalking.

Sometimes when I tell this story, it sounds so crazy, I think I must be making it up, or that I am mad and I really did misunderstand her. BUt I know I didn't. I am an intelligent, professional woman who doesn't go imagining love affairs or phone calls where someone invites me to meet her in America and commit to a romantic relationship with them.

I felt sure this woman loved me at some point, but now I question eveything. I am just at a loss to understand her abusive behaviour now. I wonder whetehr she has always had this very cruel streak and that, over the years, it has grown worse.

She has a normal, everyday life - married for 23 years, two lovely children, lots of friends. She is a good mother and her children clearly love her.

So I'm not sure that I am really dealing with a psychopath or just a very, very cruel, emotionless person. I am certain that her recent dealings with me were an attempt to sabotage me, but she has no motivation to do that at all.

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#11930 - 10/03/11 09:40 AM Re: My Story - Part Two [Re: NoesMama3]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi NoesMama3, welcome to our community, sorry for not welcoming you sooner. I would like to reply to your questions when I return. Would you like a "thread" started so we can also have others with SIL's help out? Just let me know and I start one and move your post.

Di

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#11931 - 10/03/11 02:03 PM Re: My Story - Part Two [Re: Dianne E.]
NoesMama3 Offline
member

Registered: 10/01/11
Posts: 12
Yes, Di, that would be great. Many thanks.

Also, there's been a new development, though minor: she's been sending my husband messages online making various demands (which she could easily take care of herself). I believe that she's trying to draw him back into her web. Any suggestions?

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#11935 - 10/03/11 02:31 PM Re: My Story - Part Two [Re: NoesMama3]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi, I moved your thread here:
Psychopath Sister in Law

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#12241 - 11/07/11 08:13 PM Re: My Story - Part Two (part one for me) [Re: Anonymous]
Miss Treated Offline
member

Registered: 11/06/11
Posts: 7
I have been here for one day. I too have read all your stories. We have all been through the same. I need to tell my story now. It's a long story (i'm sorry, and I understand if you guys cant read it all!!), but venting helps so much. To all of you out there, vent!

My psychopath had been my first love as a teenager. We parted… had not talked for over 30 years. Several months ago we met again. Our lives became lovingly entangled. It was long distance, but so nice... thanks to skype. We spent each night together, working together for hours and hours, talking and falling asleep… side by side on Skype, for months. He called me his wife. I called him my husband.

All the work I was doing was for him. He needed the money so bad… he was bankrupt. I was ok with that, until the work become too much. I needed to lessen my work load. But then something felt wrong. He started communicating less with me. No more constant txt messages. Fewer nights on Skype. Sometimes almost a whole day went by without hearing his voice. I was devastated. He would tell me of friends… women… that he was helping. It made me jealous… he did this on purpose…it made me work more to keep him. I felt more jealous every time he mentioned another female friend of his. Then I felt he was not telling me the truth about these friends. I confronted him, but he had such convincing stories (lies) to tell me, excuses, that I felt bad for the lack of trust. He demeaned me for that. I apologized (!!! How stupid!!!) But then it became good again. I was working even more for him, hours and hours, to make him feel happy, to not push him away. But I still did not trust him, yet I loved him. I could not live without him. I told my friends about the pain I felt. Then my friends started questioning his lack of sharing the earnings with me. I would talk to my sister and she so thoroughly warned me… she asked me what I was getting out of this relationship. She saw me in constant worry and pain. She said he is thinking of himself only, he is evil… back away. I tired, but then I was in such deep pain. I was addicted to him… pain of withdrawal, glee with the return. This went on for so long. the addiction, back and forth, happiness and despair. I was blinded by love.

Then he went on a trip to meet with a relative to further our work projects. He had told me a month in advance. We spoke when he was there…. We spoke on skype when he returned. But then he told me he left his phone there. At that very moment I received a txt from his phone… it was a picture of him with another woman. The heading of the txt said “My new girl.” We were on skype so I asked him to explain this. He said he left his phone in the car of a crazy woman. But this “crazy” woman called me. She was the one he went to be with. He had sex with her. He was her new mate. She was going thru his phone and found my txt’s and 8 other women’s txt’s, talking of their love for him. He was courting 8 women at the same time!!!!! He told us all he loved us sooo much. He asked almost all of us to marry him. He gave us the promise of a happily-ever-after life. And now he was exposed. He used each one of use for something… money, sex, work, connections. When anyone of us would hold up and not perform, he would so easily move to the next. Round and round. The women started calling me. We all spoke… including his wife!!!(yes, found out that he was married!!!) and we all learned the truth. He betrayed us all. He is a narcissist, a psychopath.

He denies it all. He does not feel bad. He says those other women are crazy. I know he tells them I am crazy. He said he will not beat himself up over this. Not at all. Why should he?? He then said his life is good.. he spoke of work… his work. He says he is doing great.

He is not concerned about me, not the 8 of us. None of us matter. We all spoke for a few days, trying to console each other. Not possible.

One of the worst parts of all this... I often think about one time he and I did get together. I expected such a loving embrace. But he was cold, somewhat affectionate, but was not acting as "my hisband". He slept with his back to me. We met eachother one more time, and it was the same. I refused to acknowledge it all then. I was in my glory for just being next to him. Yes, I feel so stupid for being so blind.

So here I am. He deceived me (us). He used me (us). He cheated on me, with 8 other women. And he wont admit it!! He wont explain it. He wont apologize. He says this unfounded ridiculousness is so easily behind him, time to move on. He says he is a good man, not a stealer, not a cheater. He doesn’t care that he is killing me. He is a true psychopath. My heart is broken, I am devastated. For me, he died. I am grieving so deeply. It has been a week and a half. I am drowning. But I am here.

If you are reading these words, thanks for listening.

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#12242 - 11/07/11 08:28 PM Re: My Story - Part Two (part one for me) [Re: Miss Treated]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
Sounds a lot like my ex h also. He would go from one person to the next, clinging, he went from marriage & separation of a few months to me, then for the next yrs that we were together he wouldleave at drop of hat & disappear for month then come begging back into my life.. it was pure insanity & has left me confused at how a human could do this & not care..he's been gone a few yrs now, no word.. his, "other half," he called me.
Right. & like you say how many does he have? He will do this the rest of his life he will never be, "alone," but always using someone. It angers me because of the devastation he caused in my life.
I can relate to the fact they destroy lives. I would say my life overall resembles that now, I am having to put back together what is shattered.. He calls himself a strong Christian man with gifts of prophecy too...
HUGS! I pray you can find healing, here & other places. it helps me so much to speak of this at places like this, to be honest & let go of it all.. it was so traumatic & still a few yrs post his leaving I am STILL dealing with it all.. it will take Yrs to heal. Take care!

Originally Posted By: Miss Treated
I have been here for one day. I too have read all your stories. We have all been through the same. I need to tell my story now. It's a long story (i'm sorry, and I understand if you guys cant read it all!!), but venting helps so much. To all of you out there, vent!

My psychopath had been my first love as a teenager. We parted… had not talked for over 30 years. Several months ago we met again. Our lives became lovingly entangled. It was long distance, but so nice... thanks to skype. We spent each night together, working together for hours and hours, talking and falling asleep… side by side on Skype, for months. He called me his wife. I called him my husband.

All the work I was doing was for him. He needed the money so bad… he was bankrupt. I was ok with that, until the work become too much. I needed to lessen my work load. But then something felt wrong. He started communicating less with me. No more constant txt messages. Fewer nights on Skype. Sometimes almost a whole day went by without hearing his voice. I was devastated. He would tell me of friends… women… that he was helping. It made me jealous… he did this on purpose…it made me work more to keep him. I felt more jealous every time he mentioned another female friend of his. Then I felt he was not telling me the truth about these friends. I confronted him, but he had such convincing stories (lies) to tell me, excuses, that I felt bad for the lack of trust. He demeaned me for that. I apologized (!!! How stupid!!!) But then it became good again. I was working even more for him, hours and hours, to make him feel happy, to not push him away. But I still did not trust him, yet I loved him. I could not live without him. I told my friends about the pain I felt. Then my friends started questioning his lack of sharing the earnings with me. I would talk to my sister and she so thoroughly warned me… she asked me what I was getting out of this relationship. She saw me in constant worry and pain. She said he is thinking of himself only, he is evil… back away. I tired, but then I was in such deep pain. I was addicted to him… pain of withdrawal, glee with the return. This went on for so long. the addiction, back and forth, happiness and despair. I was blinded by love.

Then he went on a trip to meet with a relative to further our work projects. He had told me a month in advance. We spoke when he was there…. We spoke on skype when he returned. But then he told me he left his phone there. At that very moment I received a txt from his phone… it was a picture of him with another woman. The heading of the txt said “My new girl.” We were on skype so I asked him to explain this. He said he left his phone in the car of a crazy woman. But this “crazy” woman called me. She was the one he went to be with. He had sex with her. He was her new mate. She was going thru his phone and found my txt’s and 8 other women’s txt’s, talking of their love for him. He was courting 8 women at the same time!!!!! He told us all he loved us sooo much. He asked almost all of us to marry him. He gave us the promise of a happily-ever-after life. And now he was exposed. He used each one of use for something… money, sex, work, connections. When anyone of us would hold up and not perform, he would so easily move to the next. Round and round. The women started calling me. We all spoke… including his wife!!!(yes, found out that he was married!!!) and we all learned the truth. He betrayed us all. He is a narcissist, a psychopath.

He denies it all. He does not feel bad. He says those other women are crazy. I know he tells them I am crazy. He said he will not beat himself up over this. Not at all. Why should he?? He then said his life is good.. he spoke of work… his work. He says he is doing great.

He is not concerned about me, not the 8 of us. None of us matter. We all spoke for a few days, trying to console each other. Not possible.

One of the worst parts of all this... I often think about one time he and I did get together. I expected such a loving embrace. But he was cold, somewhat affectionate, but was not acting as "my hisband". He slept with his back to me. We met eachother one more time, and it was the same. I refused to acknowledge it all then. I was in my glory for just being next to him. Yes, I feel so stupid for being so blind.

So here I am. He deceived me (us). He used me (us). He cheated on me, with 8 other women. And he wont admit it!! He wont explain it. He wont apologize. He says this unfounded ridiculousness is so easily behind him, time to move on. He says he is a good man, not a stealer, not a cheater. He doesn’t care that he is killing me. He is a true psychopath. My heart is broken, I am devastated. For me, he died. I am grieving so deeply. It has been a week and a half. I am drowning. But I am here.

If you are reading these words, thanks for listening.

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