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#2312 - 04/03/04 12:49 PM Re: My Story - Part Two [Re: Dianne E.]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thank you so much for these articles and words of advice from all. I know now that I'm not crazy in thinking this guy at work is indeed a P.

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#2313 - 04/11/04 01:47 PM Re: My story [Re: Dianne E.]
Anonymous
Unregistered


"Ladies if you see any of these attractive,intelligent, articulate, romantic, sexy, humorous, chivalrous guys,
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"

I was just thinking about this the other day. The P and I hit it off the minute I met him. He was so funny, articulate, challenging. It was like he was thinking what I was thinking. He kept my mind spinning in a good way in the beginning and then the mask broke and he became evil and my mind started spinning the other direction. I often wonder if I will meet anybody I get along with so well again that is not a P. I am very guarded and would be scared to let my guard down with anybody that resembeled that P. Then I think it was all a fantasy, a relationship built on lies and deceit and it wasn't really what I thought it was anyways. So maybe that kinda freindship doesn't really exist it is just something the P. uses to manipulate and control people.

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#2314 - 04/11/04 09:33 PM Re: My Story - Part Two
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Starflower,

When you get a chance you might want to read the book "Staulking the Soul" and read some articles about gaslighting. I just searched "gaslighting" on one of the search engines and found some good articles to read. I now know that gaslighting is a big part of what the office P. did in my old office. betterway

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#2315 - 04/11/04 11:11 PM Re: My story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Betterway

Glad to get news of you and know that you are doing OK. I followed your posts quite a lot when I first started looking at the forum.

You said " I often wonder if I will meet anybody I get along with so well again that is not a P. I am very guarded and would be scared to let my guard down with anybody that resembeled that P."

I can relate to that so well. I don't think I ever will meet anyone who provides the mental challenge, the excitement, the feeling of rapport and the 'buzz that I felt with P. But in my saner moments I don't want to - I now prefer quiet and easy-going friendships with people who may not strike sparks but are easy to be with and trustworthy. As for shying away from people who remind you of the P - that is probably a good thing. There are a lot of people I shied away from without knowing why before I knew anything about P's. When I first found the forum, and Dr Hare's 'checklist', I went through a phase of 'checking' loads of people - whether I believed them to be P's or not - against the list - and the people I instinctively shy away from all scored high on it. So if someone doesn't feel right, go with your instincts and check them out before placing any trust in them. Of course, your instincts will sometimes be wrong - but they are often right.

All the best


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#2316 - 04/13/04 08:03 AM Re: My story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Betterway,

Absolutely! P's are skilled and crafty wordsmiths. What they understand, far too well, is that there doesn't have to be any true intent backing up what they say. We have often mentioned on this forum the "red flags" to watch out for. Within these red flags are certain buzzwords that the P's realize will get a rise out of us or lead us to act in a certain manner.
I mentioned in my last posting that another P had crossed my path recently. Good looking, charming, charismatic, provocative .... I noticed that many, many people were drawn to this person like a magnet. However, it didn't really hit me over the head until after many attempts to make a second date the P said to me "I'm really EXCITED about getting together with you again it's just that my schedule has been so busy"... I heard the hollow quality in his voice and I realized there was no true intent when he used the word "excited." What really got this particular P off was being the object of other peoples desire.
So watch out for those buzzwords.....anything that will make you feel special, unique, wanted... and ask yourself if the person using them demonstrates in any other manner that he/she really means what they say.

Rick

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#2317 - 04/16/04 08:40 PM Re: My story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Betterway!

I can't believe it! I rarely log on anymore and when I do I look for you and the dear friends that encouraged and supported me. . .and wow. . . here you are!!!

How are things going for you these days? It has been sometime since I last saw a post from you but I think of you often as I do many others that held me up through that traumatic time of my life. This forum was my life line and my life saver. How I appreciate Di (love you Di) for hosting this as well as all the people that encouraged and educated me on the schemes of the P. What an innocent I was. . .I never EVEN knew there was a LABEL for people like this.

NO CONSCIENCE. . .I didn't even KNOW there were people that were without one! ! !

How long has it been since you have had no contact with X-P? It has been several months for me. Making a clean break was very difficult me. Even with all the pain and demoralization. . .it just took what it took for me to finially accept that it was just what it was. . .nothing. It had no future or substance. It was just my fantasy, the dream I built in my head. Just writing this is difficult because at the time I thought it was so special, so wonderful. . .so EVERYTHING. I believed the lie, Betterway. I mean I REALLY BELIEVED THE LIE.

I have accepted it now. . .and the pain is now minimal. I mean REALLY minimal. When I speak of it now it is like I am describing something that happened to someone else. Like describing a movie without any emotional involvement.

That is progress for sure as for many years any thought of the betrayal would stir up the greatest emotion pain and heartbreak that I have ever experienced. (That's no dramatiation either)! For me. . .this is liberating. I am healing.

I am still not quite to the finish ("finished") line as far as being "pain free" . . .but. . .I am so close. I can tell. The experience has lost it's power to control my thoughts and actions anymore.

I have gone on and even though it took a lot out of me. . .I have learned something. Because of my pain and what I have been through, I have been able to reach out and help some others who are going through this very same thing. The beauty of it Betterway is this. . .I can TRULY feel their pain and tell them. . . if they won't quit. . .they will be okay. That's the truth too isn't it Betterway. We just had to GO THROUGH IT. . .to get to the other side. Whew. . .it's taken a long time for me but I KNOW that I KNOW that I'm going to be okay. . .I really am.

Post back. . .I have really missed you and looked for you here!

(((hugs))))
finished

And a P.S. to all the others that remember and supported me. . .there is an appreciation in my heart to you all that words cannot express. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
With love!!
so finished
:-)

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#2318 - 04/17/04 09:54 PM Re: My story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi ((((finished)))),

Good to see you! I too don't check in too often, but when I do I am so glad to see the forum still going and wonderful sharing and healing happening.

It has been a year for me since I last initiated contact. There have been a couple chance meetings in which I say a simple "hi" and keep on going and sometimes he doesn't even get the "hi". When he sees me he always comes my way to talk as if everything is just wonderful as if I should not have any reason not to speak to him. The last few times I ran into him (about 2 months ago) I just turned around and walked away. That is all he deserves from me.

I still have my moments where I want to contact, but nothing like before. I just came out of a two week phase where I was thinking about him alot and even considered contacting, then I came here and I was rereading some of the posts and it helped me to realize contact is not an option. I had to feel the feelings but keep going in the direction I needed to go. Now when I remember the good times I remind myself of the psycho terror he put me through and then I get on with my life. No Contact has truly been a blessing for me.

I am so glad to hear you are doing better!!!

betterway

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#2319 - 04/18/04 08:33 PM Re: My story
Anonymous
Unregistered


>>>It has been a year for me since I last initiated contact.<<<

GOOD FOR YOU BETTERWAY!!!!

You know, the NO CONTACT rule is helpful in two ways ( for me anyway ). First is the break and second is that all those negative feelings don't get stirred up every time you see them.

I know at the beginning of trying the NO CONTACT, I would still see him in the business scene. Even if I was having a "good day". just seeing him would stir up all those negative emotions again. The fear, the anxiety, the rejection, the low self esteem and the WONDERING. What did "I" do wrong? Where did I go wrong? What did I say? What. . .oh what did I do wrong? The record in my head would start playing again, accusing myself for not being good enough in some way to keep P#2 happy and in my life. Then, I would have to go back to square one to get myself back on track again. Seeing him was ALWAYS, EVERYTIME a setback for me.

I can really say (for today anyway) that I am pretty emotionally detached from it all. Acceptance was a LONG, LONG, HARD journey for me.

A new life has just sorta "developed" for me. I have a new circle or friends and even professionally I have taken a sabatical to rediscover my "purpose" in life. For so many years, my life, thoughts, actions centered on P#2. On how to keep him in my life, to answer his calls, be what he wanted me to be, etc. Once I got pulled into his web, not only was I caught up in it all, I'm sorry to say, I WAS GLAD TO BE CAUGHT. Yuk. . .yuk. . .yuk.

For quite awhile I was focused and very sad about what I lost but now I am coming around to appreciate what I have gained. I know one thing Betterway. . .that WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN! I couldn't do another P. One RED FLAG will be enough AND I WILL listen to my friends. :-)

Gosh it is so good to hear from you Betterway!!!!!

Hopeful!! You out there. . .let us know how you are doing?

:-)
SSSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
finished :-)


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#2320 - 05/27/04 01:45 PM Re: My story
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States

Angel
(member)
05/27/04 08:06 AM

My scarry P

Hi to you all!

I am new to this board and wanted to write down my story.
Though it's a different story that I have read on this forum.

It's been about a year that I met my P. At first, I wasn't that crazy about him, but still hang out with him.
About 1 week later, I found myself that I was very impressed by him, bacause he was very different than the other guys I have met in my life. He was very smart and had a great sence of humor. At first, he was sending me messages how much he loved me and wanted to spent his life with me. When first month was over, than I felt a change in his attitude. I couldn't define what, but I felt it. It seemed that the hype around me was over and now he was more to himself than me.

At the same time I repeatedly had nightmares about him. And somehow he was giving me creepes. As the time was passing by, he ignored me more and more and that made me a kinda a depending person.

Than I found out a some files on the computer that were pornographic. I was shocked, because he didn't seem the guy that would watch those kinda stuff.
Anyway, I felt that something was wrong with him, but I coun't point it out. The way he acted, the way he looked. He never showed any emotions. This guy just didn't have one, I realized later on.

After more than 6 months I ended up the relationship, bacause I was confused, and didn't know what to do. I just couldn't get in his head and had the feeling that he was kind of manipulating me, trying to see how far he could go.
When it was over, I felt relieved but still had a lots of questions, untill I saw a program about P's.
Now everything is clear. I was dealing with a P, who didn't had any feelings and acted one out in the beginning, wanted to fool me and I felt for it.

Well, one lesson I learned from this, is to defenitely listen to your inner voice. Now I can finally move on, bacause I know that there was no way I could have changed him. He made me love him and he hurted me, but I recognize the signals now. It won't happen to me for the second time (I hope)

Thnx for reading my story...

recovery
(member)
05/27/04 12:23 PM

Re: My scarry P [re: Angel]

Hi Angel

Reading your story is not so different - the lack of emotions, the something wrong - but not sure what it is etc. I think you have done very well to realise there was something wrong and get free so quickly - when you are trapped in the mesh for years then they can really mess up rational thinking.

Hope to hear more of your story and hope we can help answer any questions.

Good luck

Recovery

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#2321 - 05/27/04 02:36 PM Re: My story [Re: Dianne E.]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
what to do

i have come to acrossroads. he will be coming soon. should i trust him?(NOT!) so i have to get a restraining order before he does, but then again maybe he wont do that. but all he does is lie. i am desperate. he will lie to get it but if i make the move then the horrible mess begins. i can't take it God i want to run and hide. i cant do 8 more years of this hell. please God help me.

justagirl
(member)
01/20/04 04:01 AM

Re: what to do

i am going to the court with my two youngest i have kept them from school. i am going to try to just get custody w/o the restraining order because of the risk of flight but i have no documentation to support it other than childrens word. It's unheard of but it works in the movies (joke) i dont think i will even get to put my foot in the door but i am going to do it on a wing and a prayer. time to put on my game face wish me luck

Ali
(member)
01/20/04 08:15 AM

Re: what to do [re: justagirl]

Hi JustaGirl

You are moving forward, even if only slowly! The more you take action and responsibility for making your life better, the more confidence it will give you. Is he violent? Has he been violent with the children? You don't mention what you are afraid of. Is there anywhere that you can get help and support? Friends? Relations? Local abused women's support groups?

You mention that you are afraid of a lot of things, including being a single Mum. Believe me, if you have been able to cope with a P and survive, you are equal to all of those things. It just takes time to find your feet.

You are in my prayers.

Ali

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