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#2352 - 12/05/06 02:29 PM Re: My Story - Part Two
kludgette Offline
member

Registered: 12/05/06
Posts: 6
I had to reply to a post - as it would not let me start a new post.

I'm wondering how this condition affects children. What is the visitation usually awarded to a Psychopath? I ask my Psychopath to leave because of his treatment of her (and he is VERY clear on that - I do have proof). We setup a mini visitation schedule that seems to work only intermittently - no overnights, a couple of hours 2 and 3 times a week. I set it up with the understanding that visitation would be with his mother - or my ex-brother-in-law whom he has lived with twice since he left. I've had to on occassion try to force him to see her (as she wanted to see him), but that backfires (he'll refuse). He's had freedom to request overnights over the past 11 months but only did so 3 times. Two times for sleepovers at new girlfriends (2 and 3 weeks) which I said no (both relationships ended about 4 wks later) and once at his parents (while he was living at ex-brother-in-laws house).

He teaches our daughter to cuss - knowing that bothers me, encourages public nudity - again to get to me and treats her with anger and indifference (SIT DOWN SHUT UP I'M WATCHING A MOVIE!). Watching "we were soliders" is one my 3 year old saw with him after he left. She actually said "dismembered body parts". He posted girly nude pictures all over his bedroom to her dismay then denied they existed (taking them down the next week). He believes it is perfectly acceptable to parent in two completely opposite ends of the spectrum (rules, discipline - he doesn't beleive in discipline - it's punishment and expectations). He got VERY angry when I signed her up for dance stating it was "girly". She needs to be "tough, be ready to fight and go nose to nose if need be". His job as a parent is to "Toughen her up (hurt her) before life does" - both physically and verbally. She was 2 when he started this. She was 12 months when she needed "strict discipline!" This visitation was voluntary. No court ordered it.

His "mask" came off after we realized I was pregnant - before the wedding date and therefore the wedding was canceled (by me). It was a horrible 3 1/2 years from the time I was pregnant until I asked him to leave. He was on anti-depressents breifly, and that helped some of the symptoms and made life tolerable. When he ran out (didn't tell me until he was taking 1 every other day), he felt that he was "cured" and didn't need them anymore. Then he really started letting loose on our little girl again...

I was able to keep this out of court...until he refused to return her to my care - she witnessed this. It scared her (and me) to death. On the advice of my attorney I informed him that visitation would have to cease indefinately. I had to press telephone harrasement charges on him, he called the police on me to "check on her welfare"...fortunately the officer that responded had been involved in several cases of him beating up co-workers (one 60yrs old - he's late 20's). His father owns the company, so they never press charges however. He started court procedings despite my attempts to get him to resume limited visitation (which he refused). He didn't see her for 7 weeks because he wasn't going to do it my way - he needed the control...asked me "when are you going to realize that YOU are not in control!".

The court decided to make a decision without a hearing despite an attempted kidnapping him and his mother were involved in with our daughter, despite his last refusal to return her, despite the fact that she has knowledge of oral sex stating her boyfriend would lick her down there when she gets older, etc etc. I'm glad he started court...as there have been MANY issues I have been unable to address. If I ask him to stop cussing in front of her (because her language was becoming a BIG problem), he only cusses more and tells her it is OK to do it too. If I ask him to not encourage public nudity...he'll do it right in front of my face. If I ask that he refrain from introducing girlfriends after 1 week, he'll try to get Taylor to spend that night at the girlfriends house after the second (or third) week. It's insane.

I feel bad for him...but I know he can't help it nor be helped. I am putting in a motion for a pshyc eval...I don't think he can fool them though he'll try. He can cry on command, loves it when people say "Poor (name), I feel so bad for you". He is not capable of being self supportive - currently lives with his parents (his 7th home in 11 months). I know once court is over, the first weekend will be spent at a new girlfriends house - and if he has overnights..she will be there too - it will likely be the 2nd or 3rd time she's met the girlfriend. Right now he is limited in visitation that is "family only", and can't drive due to a DUI he got the morning of her birthday. His parents are financing his court efforts even though his mom told me prior to our separation to "do whatever you have to to protect that little girl from him. I respect you for what are doing, will respect you for asking him to leave and only wish I would have had the balls to stand up to his father as you are standing up to him". His sister who has been brought to tears by his treament of her children and even once blocked my number from calling due to abusive/screaming/ranting phone calls from him also is standing behind him with full force.

I could go on forever with oddities and fears I have of this man. After his mask came off, I did whatever I could to appease him and keep him around until our daughter was old enough to feed herself if need be, and tell me if he hurts her. I hoped to protect her from him to the best of my abilities - knowing once he is gone I can't keep her safe anymore. I know one of us will end up in the hospital because of him someday...I'm scared.

I paid the deposit on a Guardiam ad litem...money well spent, but right before Christmas. It hurts. Now the Pshyc eval is going to suck more of my much needed funds. I wish nothing more in life than our dauther to love him. For them to get along and be happy. But I don't know if it's possible. As my lawyer said...you can't sue him to be a good father. I feel bad that I brought a child into this situation. I love her dearly of course and feel blessed to have her...I just wish she'd get to grow up with both her parents...together. I know his influence is bad...my ex b-i-l thinks he should have NO contact with her. My parents are in the same line of thinking. It's hard...it would make me feel horrible...but in some aspect I agree. He's tried to "deal" offering to take it out of court and "save you (me) money" by settling on shared parenting...um...no. Then he tried to say Tues, Thurs and every other weekend. I kicked him out for being an abusive parent. I can't imagine what will happen to her if he gets every other weekend. It's so hard to wipe his influences from her. When he didn't see for 7 weeks she started acting like a little girl again. Stopped saying she was ugly...stopped saying she was stupid...stopped saying she wanted to take her cloths off for men when she gets older (she's 4 now)...stopped cussing...actually WANTED to watch the wiggles (instead of adult type TV-which I don't allow), stopped yelling at me and hitting me, stopped raging.

Fortunately...my Psychopath isn't that bright. I hope that works in my daughters favor. I need the courts now to help me find her best interest. I'm just not sure if they are more worried about her...or "fathers rights". I'm in Ohio, so laws lean more towards the mother (especially when parents weren't married). I'm just wondering what others experience is on this.

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#2353 - 12/06/06 08:27 PM Re: My Story - Part Two [Re: kludgette]
denfox Offline
member

Registered: 11/27/06
Posts: 82
Dear Kludgette,

I do wish that I could offer you greater support. I am no expert in these matters, but as I read your story, I am deeply concerned for your child, and for you.

Is professional counseling economically possible for your child, and for you? I think that your four-year-old girl will definitely need some professional help now and probably in the future. Children are amazingly resilient, but they do not forget and those wounds inflicted in formative years can become larger problems in rebellious teens and adults.

I also think that this psychopath man has hurt you - though you didn't complain about yourself much - he must have hurt you more profoundly than you may even see now.

I do hope you're okay. I know you'll do everything possible to protect your child.

-denfox

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#2354 - 12/07/06 07:07 AM Re: My Story - Part Two [Re: denfox]
kludgette Offline
member

Registered: 12/05/06
Posts: 6
Thanks. I feel OK. Heartbroken for my broken family. But I got my strengh back (after his second time sucking out my soul) a year before he left and didn't let him touch me that way since. He's toyed with me some since leaving...I fell for a few of his mind games, but it was never real bad. If he'd call yelling and ranting accussing me of something, I'd just say call me back when you can speak without yelling and hang up. I basically treat him like a toddler. If that's what he's going to act like...that's what he'll be treated like. Both my mom and his mom used to say...so is it tough rasing two kids alone? (meaning my Psychopath and child). Yup. Sure was. Much happier now!!!

I have talked to one counseling center...I can't for the life of me find her insurance card though (it's always in the same place).

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#2355 - 12/07/06 08:44 PM Re: My Story - Part Two [Re: kludgette]
kludgette Offline
member

Registered: 12/05/06
Posts: 6
Disturbing news. I got a second opinion on my case and was told I had no chance of protecting my daughter from her father. If I request he has a mental eval...I have to have one too. It would be around $4000-$5000 and I have to pay for it all. I'd have to sell my home to do that. She said all I could probably prove is that he is a bad parent...not unfit, thus visitation would be standard schedule J (one day a week every other weekend Fri-Sun), despite the witnesses I have which she called flimsy (all in a 1/2 hr meeting from a HIGHLY respected lawyer). She stated he could have sleepovers with 16 different women with our daughter there in one year and there was not a darn thing I or the courts could or would do about it (as long as she didn't watch them have sex). She said he could teach her to cuss...disrobe...watch gory movies...hit, scream and he could scream at her and that is all his right as a father. I just don't think I buy that. My soul can't buy that. My stomach is in knots. I can't even describe how I feel today.

My lawyer seems more optimistic...but not much. I'm going to try and arrange a deal for a reasonable schedule that would give him the opportunity to request more time without giving it by default in exchange for less child support. Heck...I'd drop it all if he'd leave her alone (though I'd hope he'd still have SOME contact with her - just not court ordered).

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#2356 - 12/10/06 11:30 AM Re: My Story - Part Two [Re: kludgette]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi kludgette, I just wanted to let you know that I have read your posts and will have time later today to answer

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#2357 - 12/13/06 07:22 AM Re: My Story - Part Two [Re: kludgette]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi kludgette, I sincerely apologize. I have been battling a horrible migraine and I know I promised to answer a couple of days ago. Hopefully some of the members might see your post and offer some support, unless everyone is too busy, I will do everything I can to offer some support at least by tomorrow. Today is a bit better but I haven't meant to leave you hanging. I have only been checking in to make sure everything is okay and will get my brain unscrambled to reply soon.

All my best,

Di

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#2358 - 02/08/07 09:49 AM Re: My Story - Part Two
just me Offline
member

Registered: 02/01/07
Posts: 10
Hiya
I have had the same, my boy is now 5 and I have a daughtrer (conceived by force) who is 3 and has Down Syndrome, I feel lucky that I have played him along for 2 years, and due to receive my reward, his mask is slipping and our court social services and my slicitor are supporting my request for no contact and a psychiatric assessment. Protecting the children has always been paramount,a part of my brain that he never got too. I now feel stronger than ever and ready to do battle. It certainly wont be easy, Im convinced I will end up in hospital for it, but if it gets rid of him, it will be worth it.

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#2359 - 08/14/07 05:17 PM Re: My Story - Part Two [Re: just me]
Mati Offline
member

Registered: 08/01/04
Posts: 169
Sorry but I could not find how to start a new thread, so I will just put it here.

I read this link yesterday and could not sleep last night I was so astounded at what it said about psychopathy being a neurological condition. It just fits my husband profile exactlyand is the first time that I have been 100% sure that he is a Psychopath.



http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_know_if_someone_is_a_sociopath

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#2360 - 08/16/07 11:51 AM Re: My Story - Part Two [Re: Mati]
Mati Offline
member

Registered: 08/01/04
Posts: 169
Hoping to start some discussion about the link I have given, it says that psychopathy is a neurological condition involving under stimulation of the cortex and a dysfunctional way of the brain organising information from the start of life. These defects mean that the conscience does not develop, but there is hope of a treatment. There is an electrical devise which can be inserted to stimulate the cortex.

One of the things that stood out for me was that my Psychopath took Ritalin and amphetamines and saw an amazing improvement. he said he felt normal for the first time. The effect did not last however. The article says this is what happens.

He also told me that he felt like he is in 'The Crystal Maze' (a tv show) trying to catch thoughts that are flying everywhere.

My Psychopath has a great deal of neurological problems which are exactly as this link describes. He was brought up in a stable family which means that he is not a 'raging Psychopath' but he does not have some of the traits unless he is lying. He always claims to really care about cruelty to animals and children and acts really upset about it. I suspect that it might be an act. Any ideas?

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#2361 - 08/19/07 04:02 PM My Story - Part Two
leftoverbrains Offline
member

Registered: 08/19/07
Posts: 2
Hi All,

I feel ashamed because I'm still living with the psychopath and have no immediate plans to leave him. I have been out of the work force since our first child was born and don't have any marketable skills. I think leaving at this time would make things worse for me and the kids. I can't talk about this with my friends because I'm ashamed. I don't want it becoming part of the local grapevine because I'm afraid it will somehow affect my children. My Mom as well as other members of my extended family understand what is going on. They support me emotionally, but they live in other states.

The highly socialized psychopath has been seeing a psychiatrist for the last 18 months for ADHD. I did not suspect anything else was wrong with him when he first started going. He went because his lack of concentration was starting to affect him at work. He has been on ritalin ever since and it has helped his ADHD. Other than the ritalin, he does not take drugs or drink.

I met the psychopath in an electronic chat forum in the early 1990's. It wasn't through the "internet", but through a BBS that supported real time communication. We lived on opposite sides of the coast. I had been divorced for over 5 years. He said he had been divorced for about a year.

I eventually moved in with him and married him within 18 months. We had children together. I supported his career, including being patient through an internet start up company. The company was bought out by a much larger company, so we made a lot (I mean, a lot) of money in the form of stocks. We agreed to continue living our comfortable lifestyle only on his paycheck while allowing the windfall to grow under the guidance of a financial advisor. The money was supposed to take care of our children's education and his early retirement in about 10 years. We also hired an accountant and an estate planning lawyer to take care of certain things. During this time, I did not involve myself with paying bills, getting the mail, income taxes, etc. What was I doing? Supporting his career and taking care of and educating our children.

During this time, he seemed like the perfect husband - almost too perfect. He is the calmest person I have ever come across which for me is a good thing since I'm not. He doesn't get upset. He's very logical. He gets along with almost everyone.

Issues stared to come to light last October when he was away on a business trip. It was one of the few times over the past several years I had to get the mail. Normally, I dump the pile in a basket without going through it. When I saw something from the IRS, I decided to open it. Not only did we owe MAJOR taxes, they were late.

I called him about it. He said it was all a mistake. I called the IRS. It wasn't a mistake. But, he kept insisting it was. Then he told me the accountant was going to straighten things out. When I asked to speak with the accountant, he gave me a phone number that always ended up in voice mail. No one returned my calls.

When he came home, he kept insisting his story was true. I told him I was going to pull a credit report on him. He didn't seem bothered by it. He watched me go online, give his info and a credit card number. As soon as the transaction went through, he stomped out of the house. He is not the stomping kind of person, so this really bothered him. The report showed many charge accounts I was unaware of. The total balances of the cards was in the 6 figure range. All of the bills were paid on time, but with minimum amounts. There were two PO Boxes listed that I was unaware of.

At some point, he came back home all calm and collected. He said he was sorry and that he made a mistake. When I asked him about our financial portfolio, he said it was doing fine and that everything was still there. Within a week, I would find out it is all gone with nothing to show for it. I still have not gathered the energy to examine the paper trail on this.

He also closed out our joint checking account and opened a new one. I need to order several years of statements.

We had to sell off some assets in order to pay off the credit card debt and taxes. I talked to his psychiatrist on the phone about it. I told him he would not tell the truth about any of those things until I cornered him. He mentioned the term "psychopath" in passing.

I was going over the edge, so I made an appointment for my own therapist. She used the terms "Psychopath" and "narcissist" to describe him based on what I told her. That is when I started doing a lot of reading.

At the beginning of this year, I received a bill in the mail from his immigration lawyer, the immigration lawyer I didn't know about until several months after he hired him. The psychopath has been legally living in the US for the last 25 years. He told me the paperwork was too complicated for becoming a citizen, so he hired a lawyer to help. Anyhow, the bill was itemized. One of the items said: "Status of Divorce". I mistakenly thought he was trying to divorce me. He said the item was in reference to his divorce from his former wife. I told him I wanted to see his divorce papers. He said it would not be a problem. I didn't think it would be a big deal, either.

I terminated my therapy sessions because it was a one hour drive. It was not a good idea for me to drive because of severe anxiety. Even when I wasn't really thinking about the situation, I would find my hands shaking on the steering wheel from time to time.

Tax time was getting near. He kept telling me everything was fine. The accountant mistakenly (?) sent all of the paper work to the house. He included an email from the psychopath asking that everything be sent to his work office. There was a huge tax bill from the result of selling stocks in 2006. Although it upset me, it didn't surprise me. At that time, it suddenly occurred to me that it was very important I see some divorce papers. He did come up with some papers, but they didn't look right to me. It showed that his former wife filed for divorce. Child support documents were missing. I didn't see a judgment for a divorce.

My Mom ordered the divorce papers herself in June because I was too disorganized to do it myself. The psychopath reassured her over and over again that he was divorced and that I'm just upset and not thinking straight. My Mom received the papers. A final judgment did not exist. Papers were filed in the early 90's right before I started communicating with him through the BBS. They were not finalized. He is a bigamist. Some of those papers did not match the papers he did give me because he altered them. I didn't want him in the house anymore, so he willingly slept in the unfinished second floor of the detached workshop.

It turns out he started divorce proceedings in February, 2007. There is a statute in some state laws that allows for dating a divorce when it should have happened (nunc pro tunc). Sometimes papers get lost. Sometimes people are stupid. He and his wife filed as a stupid people. But, he's not stupid. He knew. It took him weeks to admit to me he knew. Well, he didn't come up with it. I just kept saying it over and over again until he no longer denied it. His reason? He doesn't have one.

The bigamy is the reason why he needed an immigration lawyer. He wanted to file for citizenship. One needs divorce papers in order to do this. He also needed a legal way to get out of his bigamy. Both of them knew. They knew for almost 15 years. I have never spoken with her. The psychopath was good at keeping us apart. Living very far from her helped with that. Their son is now 17 years old. The state actually gave them a divorce dated 2 days before the psychopath married me. At some point, I let him back into the house because it is very hot outside, even at night.

He continues to go to work, pay the bills, etc. He will cook, clean, etc., when I'm unable to which seems to be a lot these days. He keeps saying he is sorry. I know he isn't really sorry. He keeps telling me he won't lie, but he does. I told him when I catch him lying, he needs to leave the house.

He just got caught lying 2 days ago when I saw the document which outlines the child support agreement. It is twice the amount that he told me. He said he pays according to a verbal agreement, not the amount on paper. I don't think so. He is paying what it says and I don't know where the money is coming from. He has money somewhere, but I don't know where and he denies it. I have asked him not to be in the house again until he finds a psychiatrist who will treat him as a psychopath.

I did tell his current psychiatrist about the bigamy and other lies he told after our first conversation. He will not label him as a psychopath, Psychopath, or whatever term he personally uses to describe such people. I am to assume he had a bad childhood. I'm to assume it is possible for him to strengthen his conscience. I realize the doctor is there to advocate for his patient, but he really seems to ignore the fact there are 2 children in the crossfire. He ignores the fact that I am not in the position to help fix him.

There are other things. He controls my phone calls and internet usage through spying on me. Yes, I know how that sounds. He set up and is in charge of the phone system through VOIP technology. He is in charge of internet connectivity at our house. I never do or say anything to anyone that I wouldn't say to his face, so I don't know why he bothers. I find it very creepy, though. Of course, if I wanted to say something without him knowing, all I have to do is use a disposable phone, someone else's internet connection, etc.

The psychopath saw a different therapist last week. He is not a MD or a PhD. The psychopath claims that the therapist kept pressing for marital counseling even though he made it clear that I am unwilling and unable to take that step. The therapist did not want to work with him without marital counseling. If I'm going to spend the time and energy to get counseling, it will be for myself so I can figure out what I want and what I need to do to get there. The psychopath will not be working with that therapist.

The psychopath allegedly has a phone interview with a psychologist on Tuesday. The psychologist specializes in borderline personality disorder. He's not a borderline as far as I'm concerned.

I'm not sure what the future holds. I have a feeling I will need to divorce him because I don't think he will ever stop lying to me and I don't think I can tolerate it for the long haul. He doesn't beat me or the children. He is not a drug abuser. He hands me his paycheck for now. He appears willing to work with a doctor. He is worried that a label such as psychopath could get "out there" and affect his job, though.

One would never guess by looking at him or knowing him that he is a former bigamist of nearly 15 years, a forger, a thief, or a habitual liar. I also know there are probably many other things I am unaware of when it comes to this person.

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