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#8310 - 08/02/09 09:15 AM Re: My Story - Part Two [Re: Yellowcurtains1]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Yellowcurtains1, I had a duh moment, I just posted under your question if your father is a Psychopath. It must have slipped my pea brain that I had already posted to you, sorry.

Di

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#8320 - 08/12/09 07:08 PM Re: My story [Re: Dianne E.]
searchin4help Offline
member

Registered: 08/12/09
Posts: 4
Hi Everyone,

I am new to this site and I am looking for help and advice on how to make it threw the next moment. I have been in a relationship with my mate for 16 years and we have a son together. My family and I have been through a horrific experience which I dare not post. We managed to get through this life altering experience only to have him cheat on me yet again with a girl 1/2 his age. She and I have been in contact with each other and we know that he has been deceiving us both. Our plan is to confront him about his lies and move on with our lives. I guess the thing that bothers me most is their lack of emotions. I am worried that this (Psychopath) behavior will be passed on to my son. Can anyone provide any kind of promising news. His lies have destroyed and killed my soul.


Searchin4help.
_________________________
Searchin4help

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#8321 - 08/13/09 03:08 AM Re: My story [Re: searchin4help]
Segaya
Unregistered


Hello Searching4help,

You don't sound well....
Now, the information you give is not very much or clear but when dealing with a psychopath it is not making any sense at all to try to confront them. Not even with the help of others.
The only thing you will achieve is you make him very clear where your vulnerabillities are and he will know even more how to use that knowledge to harrash you and the girl.


I don't know why people keep thinking they can out smart a psychopath or get them to feel something.... There are connections in the brain that are needed to make that happen. A psychopath doesn't have these connections. Therefor it is simply not possible for them to comprehend or do anything possitive with all the information you give them.
I know, people come to this forum to get the knowledge, but sometimes it is so clear already isn't it...
( I don't mean to attack you here in whatever form)

I am sorry to say it but we can't offer any promissing news, or advise any kind of therapy....Therapy will only get them more insight in the human brain and how it is working, and this knowlede will be abused again.
We all on the forum, have one advise only...NO CONTACT!
We say it over and over again, and will do for years to come.
Save your own live and that of children if they are involved and leave the psychopath
be...

You speak about your son and then add;he lies and destroyed and killed my soul.
We do understand those words.
But are you telling this about your son or your partner?

Can I ask what information you have on psychopathy already and did you look at the checklist we have on this forum?
is your son the only child you have or are there more?

Alhtough I do know you want to do something to defent yourself or need some kind of clearness, I am convinsed, when your partner is a psychopath indeed, you will only be more frustrated.
The feeling you are looking for will only last a few moments. Maybe you have to think beyond that and see if it will be all worth it to go through, and probably will be humilliated again?

I wish you well, and please think it all through before taking a next step.

Segaya

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#8322 - 08/13/09 10:14 AM Re: My story [Re: ]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Searching4help, welcome to the forum. Segaya has given you some very good advise. The more you can tell us here we can better understand your situation. Filling in the gaps, like how you met what some specific actions, where you stand financially. Does he come back when he needs money?

Di

As a word of caution be careful what you say to this other woman, you aren't inside her head and you don't know if she might be conned again and expose what you have discussed which will be used as more ammunition against you by the Psychopath.

I know of a few victims that have been helped by working and speaking together about their experience as the victim of the same Psychopath. I don't know if this can be the case in every situation.

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#8323 - 08/13/09 09:57 PM Re: My story [Re: Dianne E.]
searchin4help Offline
member

Registered: 08/12/09
Posts: 4
I met my mate 16 years ago. He had actually just come off of his honeymoon 2 weeks prior to when we started to date. He at first said he didn't know why he was cheating but we continued the relationship. During this time, I was committed to just being with him. About 2 years into the relationship, I decided to see other people and this infuriated him. He claimed he was going to leave his wife until he found out I was cheating. Needless to say we continued our relationship. After 14 years his wife divorced him but only after she had repeatedly find out that we were together. Also by this time we had a son together and she just got tired of him. During this time we went thru hell and back. He was incarcerated on charges of sexual misconduct against my daughter. He was cleared of the allegations and I took him back. Shortly thereafter, he moved out with me and began apparently seeing this other woman who is 1/2 age and the same age as his oldest daughter. Keep in mind that his profession is law enforcement and he is 50 years old. I first discovered him texting her over a year and 1/2 ago and he promised that he would discontinue the relationship but of course that didn't happen. I caught him again in the parking lot of his job with this woman on his birthday which was last year May. He again promised he wasn't going to see her ago. Fast forward, here we are today. About two weeks ago I discovered that they were still together. My 5 year son found a pencil box that I hid the other woman's phone number stashed in and so I called it and it was her and she confirmed that they have been in a relationship for 1 1/2 years now. When I confronted him about it of course he said he was sorry again but he took on this very nasty attitude towards me. He began yelling and screaming about how he refused to go into any details and he blamed me for not being supportive of him. He said he could admit when he was wrong but he has yet to do so. As for the finances, I have been down that road with him too many times to give into his stories. I can say that in speaking with the young woman he's seeing he has talked her into getting a credit card in her name in which he has purchased this very expensive TV that he has promised her he would pay back. From my experiences with him, he doesn't pay back any of his debts so I refuse to give him any monies. He has previously asked that I put him on as a user on my credit cards and of course I have refused because he doesn't pay back what he owes and I have experienced this with him time after time. I have not had any physical encounters with him although he can be very enraged and combative when he doesn't want to answer questions. I only learned of his behavior through talking with the other woman who has brought so much comfort to me. It was she who suggested that he may be psychopathic and after doing some research, I am convinced that he is. He continues to lie right up to 1 hour ago when we spoke. He said he wanted to work out things with me however he had just told the other woman the same thing. I find that he often times pretends to cry and become emotional but those scenes no longer penetrate me at all. I just need help on getting out of this turmoil of a relationship.
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Searchin4help

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#8324 - 08/13/09 10:16 PM Re: My story [Re: searchin4help]
searchin4help Offline
member

Registered: 08/12/09
Posts: 4
Segaya,

I feel as though you have personally attacked me. I came to the site for support not to be ridiculed or smashed further by yours words. I am new to this and I am looking for help on a way out. Before you write such harsh words perhaps you should take a closer look at what you say. I'm sure if you've experienced this yourself you can relate to the pain. Thanks for making me feel even worse.
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Searchin4help

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#8325 - 08/13/09 10:19 PM Re: My story [Re: Dianne E.]
searchin4help Offline
member

Registered: 08/12/09
Posts: 4
Dianne,

Thanks for your concern. I am pretty sure that she is not taking information back to him. She is seeking a healing process from this as well.

thanks,
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Searchin4help

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#8326 - 08/14/09 04:27 AM Re: My story [Re: searchin4help]
Segaya
Unregistered


Search4help,

I said in my writing already I am NOT attacking you.

The rest of it is plane information. If you can't take it in , then don't but don't tell me I am in anyway trying to be harsh!
And it is not possible for me to hurt you.......
If you come here for a clear solution, I am sorry, no one can give that to you and you will be disappointed over and over again...
Isn't it just tooo easy to blame others for the way we feel ourselfs, when not hearing
( reading) what we want to hear ( read)?
I am nobodies victim.. not even yours!
And take this from me. If, what I have said to you was harsh in anyway, Dianne would have deleted it long time or asked me to delete it.....
She wil do lots to keep this forum like it is.....
Segaya

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#8327 - 08/14/09 08:55 AM Re: My story [Re: ]
Jan
Unregistered


Hello Searchin4help

Your story sounds sadly familiar and I hope you can find some information and support here to help you get through a tough time.
Have you looked at the checklist in the resource section of the forum to help you decide if your ex has the characteristics of a psychopath? We can’t make any sort of diagnosis but you will be able to come to your own conclusions and then be able to look for more information.

I would be very wary of giving information to the other woman not because you can’t trust her but she may tell him things in, all innocence, you have said and that gives him a weapon to beat you with. Information is power and if he knows you are suffering in any way he has something over you. It will feed his ego if you try to tell him how much damage he has done or how he has hurt you or anyone else so no contact is the only way. If he knows absolutely nothing you have the upper hand.

You have been very wise about looking after your finances so you were obviously aware for a while what this guy was like and you probably want to stop him doing the same thing to others but as often happens the person you are trying to warn turns against you because they don’t want to believe they can be fooled so easily. It’s a sad fact that others have to find out for themselves and are likely to think you are just being vindictive…either that or they get defensive because they are embarrassed for being easily duped.

You are the priority now and you need to find ways to move on and the best start is to take care of yourself and keep as far away as possible both mentally and physically.
If you have read up on psychopathy you will know there’s no ‘cure’ so there only way forward and that is no contact but as you have a child together that will be very difficult.
Does your son have a relationship with his father? You mentioned being concerned about your son developing the same behaviour and wondered if there is something in particular that makes you question whether psychopathic behaviour can be passed on. If your son has grown up in a household where there has been a lot of problems there are many reasons a child would display certain behaviours. That situation should improve once the ex is off the scene.

I hope we can offer you support and there is promising news…many of our members have moved on, got out of relationships like yours, some have gone back to education and some to good jobs, their finances have improved and it’s very much down to each person as an individual how they do this. Many go back into the relationship believing the promises to change only to have to go through the leaving process again …and often more than once.
It’s in your hands to move on and you will find you will get all the encouragement you need when you are feeling less able to cope. We can also offer some practical suggestions as well but that sometimes depends on where you live as different countries or even states have different regulations and laws.

Best of luck and good advice is to write everything down, keep records and documents. Sometimes just putting the words on paper gets them out of your head, other times you may just want to vent your anger and it’s good to get it out.

Regards
Jan

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#8396 - 09/08/09 07:11 AM Re: My story [Re: ]
happy.chap Offline
member

Registered: 09/06/09
Posts: 19
Hi Searchin4help.

Sorry hear of your experiences & my heart goes out to you. Im sure you will get much inspiration from the members on here which will hopefully give you the strength you need to make some constructive decisions & positive steps in the right direction.

Its not really my place to advise you but if i were in your situation i would make a big effort to look outside the box & see the bigger picture. I would try & set my self a goal & in your case i feel a good goal would be to get your inoccent 5 year old son as far away from his psychopthic father as possible. Its fact that patterns have a tendency to repeat themselves which doesnt bare thinking about & unfortunately your current circumstances will be subjecting your son to his fathers destructive behaviour.

Because your psychopathic partner is still in your life im guessing you feel very weak & vulnerable & more sensitive than you would normally be. You must remember that the majority of members on this forum have or are currently suffering in the hands of a psychopath but we're all members for the same reasons. I agree with you that Segaya did come across as a tad harsh & direct with her advice & some would say insensitive but im sure she didnt intend to make you feel attacked.

I dont doubt the members on here including myself will support you to best of our ability. To talk & learn about other peoples experiences is an excellent constructive step in the right direction, but you must never lose sight of the fact that the only person that can help you is yourself. By joining this forum you've made a massive leap in the right direction, you've proved to yourself that you can be strong which gives you power. Like myself alot of people are angry & want to punish their partner (in my case ex) & teach them a lesson for the pain & suffering they've caused but due to the fact psychopaths are incapable of normal emotions such as feeling guilt, remorse or empathy is there a suitable punishment other than to take control back of your own life, which definately means getting him out of it. You need to be absolutely sure you want this man out of your life, if you do you will eventually find the strength, if you dont or your not sure you need to accept who & what he is because if he is a psychopath you will NEVER change him! I hope my experience & how i freed myself from my psychopathic partner helps to inspire you into making the right choices.

I wish you all the luck in the world & hope you manage to realise & achieve what it is you want.

Take care. Happy.chap

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