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#2292 - 07/16/03 04:02 PM My Story - Part Two
Anonymous
Unregistered



Hi all,

I am new here, but after reading your stories I felt compelled to tell my own. My ex (P) and I were "married" for 5 years and 4 days. The relationship was sprinkled with adultery, lies, financial hardships and oh my God...DRAMA! But from the outside I had a relationship all my friends envied. I had poetry, music, limosines, parties and grandiose shows of affection and expressions of love. At the time I thought it was the greatest love of my life. It was also my biggest nightmare.
As our realtionship progressed I became more and more obsessed with making him happy....being what he wanted me to be. Through his adultery I found myself further and further isolated as he intentionally targeted my closest friends as conquests. Through it all I took responsibility for his behavior (eventually) and forgave him. Each time it ate away more and more of my individuality. I found myself constantly worrying over my own behavior and my own failings in the relationship.

On our 5th wedding anniversary he picked me up in a limo....complete with roses and champagne. Over dinner he expressed his undying love for me...and his incredible luck to be with me. We toasted to the next 5 years. I was in love all over again and basking in the glow of his adoration.

4 days later he awoke, dressed and packed for a 3 day business trip. I dropped him off at the airport myself. Later that day I stopped to pull money out of the ATM only to discover the account was empty. (Here I will cut to the chase)
He had changed his identity, wiped out my bank accounts and moved on to his next victim with as many of my valuables as he could could carry. Over the next 3 months I discovered nothing I had ever known about him was true. (Except his family) Even the name he gave me was a variation of his real name. There was no record we had ever been married, or that he had ever existed. I learned from his Brother that he had been diagnosed a narcissistic psychopath in 1991....and I was victim number 9. I was completely devastated. I didn't think I could go on without him. My friends had me on a suicide watch (they returned to my life upon his exit) and I sought therapy. I started reading everything I could get my hands on about his "condition". Throughout the next year and a half he continued to call....telling me he loved me....telling me I had misinterpreted what had happened and he had not "really" left me. In the beginning I would listen, wanting to believe him, but eventually I understood they were further attempts to manipulate me.

I worried that I would not be able to turn him away if he suddenly appeared in my doorway. I knew I was vunerable to his incredible charm. So I got a restraining order against him. I knew I was free from him when he called the last time. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner when the phone rang. It was him. He talked for a few minutes and I aws interested in the new version of "How everything is really OK between us" when he said something that made me start laughing uncontrollably. In a low voice he half whispered "Don't forget to lock your door, Sandi"

I started laughing so hard I had to put the phone down! No matter how I tried to get myself under control it made me laugh harder. Finally I pulled myself together and picked up the receiver. To my surprise he was still there. This made me laugh all over again. (shorter this time) When I again picked up the phone he asked angrily "What's so damn funny?!" I replied "Yes, Phil ... I lock my doors. But now I lock the bad people OUTSIDE!" To which I laughed and hung up the phone. I must have laughed for 30 minutes. He never called again.

I was finally free...both internally and externally.

I just wanted to say that eventually it DOES stop hurting. Eventually you will SEE them for what they are and they will not have any more power over you. Don't punish yourself for being "stupid", "forgiving" or "naive". Rejoice in the fact you have that to give. Take heart in the fact that you CAN grieve, that you CAN feel. Because they will forever be closed off from everyone and will never know either sorrow or joy. And yet you.....will love again....and be loved in return.

I am not saying it has left me without scars. I am still hyper sensitive to lies from men I meet. I have not yet (after 3 years) found another man to love. But I know I will. I know you will too.

Sandi


Edited by Dianne E. (08/30/03 09:40 AM)

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#2293 - 07/16/03 07:51 AM Re: My story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Sandi,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story.

>>Take heart in the fact that you CAN grieve, that you CAN feel. <<

That is what I needed to hear today. At times I feel so numb to feelings. When reading what you wrote it reminded me of how I did have feelings, lots of them, I have so much compassion, I have a big heart, I use to care about people (now Im suspicious of everybodies motives). Then came P. He made my world shine. Then he took my feelings, my caring heart, my friendship and stomped all over them and crushed my spirit. I am in recovery now - with No Contact- and I know I will feel again. He may have taken the good away for awhile but he can't have it forever. I also know that I feel so much empathy and love for the people I meet that really share from their heart and know what the real pain is of dealing with a P.

Nice to have you here on the forum, Sandi.

betterway

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#2294 - 07/16/03 07:56 AM Re: My story
recovery Offline
member

Registered: 11/19/02
Posts: 204
Hi Sandi

Everytime it takes my breath away about how alike they are these Ps. I agree that there is life after P and that is wonderful. But the ties that bind to my P is our child and the knowledge that although she is safe just now - she might not be in the future. I want him unmasked - but ofcourse the harder I tried to prove my case the more he could portray me as a ranting !$%$$% - people might believe one affair, even 2 or 3 consecutive but 2 or 3 simultaneously, well it was easier to go with the P. So we moved.

That is why I am an avid reader here - to get clues on how to best protect. I am pretty much in the future but with an eye glancing back - just in case.

But I agree that when you finally get the measure of the P and realise the one you loved does not exist - then the sense of freedom is phenomenal!

best of luck

recovery

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#2295 - 07/16/03 03:19 PM Re: My story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Sandi,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. The threads of similarity are too much to ignore. They all really do seem to follow the same pattern.

Yesterday when P#2 called at first it was work related, then his voice went low and seductive and he asked what I was doing that afternoon. There was no mistaking what he meant. Fortunately, I had plans but the fact that I responded to it was shocking to myself! When I hung up I felt violated and yucky.

>>I worried that I would not be able to turn him away if he suddenly appeared in my doorway. I knew I was vunerable to his incredible charm.<<

I hear that!!! I was caught totally off guard. It has been 10 months since I was "with" him last. It was a NIGHTMARE that has taken me months to get over and am STILL working on getting over. I was shocked at my automatic response. Like I said, I'm more vulnerable than I think to him. . .still.

I posted an article on another thread by Dr. Sam Vaknin. He is a Narcissist. It so mirrors what you described. It is a very interesting read.

http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/9128/102150

>>I just wanted to say that eventually it DOES stop hurting. Eventually you will SEE them for what they are and they will not have any more power over you. Don't punish yourself for being "stupid", "forgiving" or "naive". Rejoice in the fact you have that to give. Take heart in the fact that you CAN grieve, that you CAN feel. Because they will forever be closed off from everyone and will never know either sorrow or joy. And yet you.....will love again....and be loved in return.<<

I am finding that to be true in my life as well Sandi. It feels good to open my heart again. I only do that with people I KNOW are safe right now though.

Again. . .thank you so much for sharing. I am so glad you joined us :-).
finished


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#2296 - 07/16/03 04:02 PM Re: My story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Sandi:

Welcome to the forum. So many read this link, but not enough, for their own well intentioned reasons, tell their story.........we/i understand why. it is so scary...and heartbreaking and exhausting/unbelievable.

thanku for sharing............

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#2297 - 09/19/03 12:11 PM Re: My story
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
This came to me by email

I need help in posting this story. Thanks M

Subject: Strength to go On

Yesterday, September l6, I filed for divorce from my N/P.It's been so very hard on me physcially and emotionally to say the least with my whole family involved. My n/P is in a rehab. And I have l yr. restraining order on him. It took me a while to actually get the divorce papers, and to actually fill them out. I have a whole support group that I am attending each week for domestic violence support. I go from denial to anger. Just in July of this year, we both were at a spiritual retreat together (that I paid for $388.00) for just 2 days. I supported him through last February, since we have been separated. I bought him cigarettes, treats, birthday gifts, etc. I spend my college loan about $l, 300.00 on him.

Anyway, I am still a student and have just received my financial aid for the fall. I did not have to give him any (now I have emergency funds) saved for my kids and me. He took my spirit, my money, my trust, and my love.

He abused my kids and me verbally and emotionally. He threatened and terrified us and I always took him back, believing that he would change. But the finally straw was in the latter week of July, this year, the State of Maine, came in and told me that he had been accused of sexually assault and physical assault on his little step-daughter, age 8, over l0 years ago. You can believe my shock and despair, my rage. The state pleads with me to do the next right thing, and yes, he is a monster, and divorce him. The abuse he put me and my kids through these allegations are so very bad...his no empathy as always, no remorse, only what he needs, again and again, his lies and betrayal.

I'm so very fearful still, as the divorce papers are on the way. Thanks for listening.

I was so very naive.

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#2298 - 09/19/03 02:52 PM Re: My story [Re: Dianne E.]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Dear M

I can well imagine your shock, horror and anger when you found out about your P's step daughter. But sometimes it takes a shock like this for us to realise what we are dealing with - and what we have put up with, all for nothing. If I hadn't found out that my P was abusing my nephews, I would very likely have kept on and on going back to him; taking the abuse and trying to believe in his pseudo personality. I also was VERY naive. I'm glad you've had the courage to take your life back into your own hands and hope you find peace, healing and a good life for you and your children.

Best wishes

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#2299 - 01/19/04 03:49 PM Re: My story
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
so stupid- i wrote him this letter before he left

just more crumbs for him to bake a damn cake or rather open a bakery. more to hurt me with. when will i learn?!!!

Dear "P",
I am sitting here feeling more isolated and alone than I ever have. I know this was my doing and that you would have kept going but I knew in my heart that even though this would hurt me more than a 1000 bullets, it was best for both of us. You were the person I was closest too and I feel like a part of me has died. It hurts so much but it is good right? I will have to hurt to heal.I guess writing this made me feel not so alone like I still have a part of you here with me to listen.
I called Christi, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I told her it was okay if she still anted you that we ended it and it was ok for the two of you to be together.
You and i left each other a long time ago anyway we were starting to hate and that is a bad thing. I will never ever love anyone the way I love you but like I said sometimes love isn't enough. I am so sorry, I wanted us to live happliy ever after but sometimes it doesn't turn out that way for whatever the reasons. it doesn't matter who is at fault because the fault doesn't change the situation. I have respect for the fact that you are being amicable and that we were able to reach an agreement without hurting each other more.
Like an idiot I was watching for the van walking and crying and talking to myself and God and asking for strength and guidance to see this through.
I am afraid to be alone and to do this . To get a job and be a single mom. It sticks like a lump in my throat and a knife in my gut. i guess if it was easy I wouldn't be normal. I kind of wonder if you and Dan went to a bar or to play pool or where you went but like I always said to you that is none of my concern. I am sorry that we have caused each other so much pain and disappointment. I wish so many things that we could go back to that first day we met and start over but that could never happen.

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#2300 - 01/19/04 04:00 PM Re: My story [Re: Dianne E.]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
My husband is one ( psychopath)Am I an enabler?

Ok i don't know where to begin. some parts of this are rather explicit and I am not sure it is suitable to post however these exerpt are key elements that need to be mentioned in order for my story to be told.

I met my husband in sept of 89 i was 21.i was calling chat lines because i had just gotten out of a bad relationship and had a small son 3 years old. I was a stripper ( not proud of it ) it paid the bills. i dated and was very attractive had a few dollars in the bank and a car. He lieved the next town over. I met him the same day. He told me he was 21 (he was 18) and lied about his name and pretty much everything. He was handsome, chivalrous and charming. He told me this heartbreaking story about how before his dad died (he is not dead) they built something together (a hot tub with a rock waterfall) but had never gotten to finish it. He cried and I hugged him (we were in the jacuzzi) we had some clothing on. He said his father left him the house and business and the guy living there was an old family friend and the trustee of his fathers will ( actually a homosexual 24 years older than him that he had lived with since he was 14) Next thing I knew we were kissing passionately and and were naked it was very intense and He was already in me for about 5 seconds when a little voice inside my head said (omg he's not wearing a condom and he also will think you are a slut) I really liked him so I stopped it. I expected him to do the typical guy thing and say "but come on don't you want it? I thought you liked me. You can't leave me like this' But instead he says , " thats okay I'll wait until after we are married if I have to. I respect your wishes." this really freaked me out! I had never encountered a man who so easily gave up the sexual persuit once having gone as far as I did. This left me perplexed.He then made some sandwiches and we watched TV for awhile. we laughed and talked for hours about everything. He seemed to be the perfect guy. Said he wanted kids but most women his age didn't want a commitment etc etc. I found out later he had been listening to me on the chat line for months and even had a notebook detailing all my likes , dislikes etc. Instead of being upset, I was naive and thought "Gee this guy must really like me to go to all that trouble to impress me. How stupid I was! Silly girl. Later that night he let me have his bed and slept on the couch. I lay awake until 5 am wondering when he would make his move but he never did so finally at 5 am I jumped his bones and from that point we were inseperable. the next day he took me and my son to the mall. He knew I was looking for someone not only good for me but most importantly a father for my son. He lavished him with toys and piggy back rides and hugs and i had never seen my baby so happy. From that moment I was "in love" (actually infatuated with an illusion) He pretended to go to work in "his" business and I got nosy, I went through his things and found juivenile court records for all kinds of petty crimes, Breaking and entering, driving without a license, running from a police officer etc. They had his pic but a different name and the age of 17! I was stunned. So I got out his little black book and decided to call a few names in the. There were 3 girls I talked to. One sounded very depressed and she was much younger than I was (17) she said she loved him and wanted to have his baby but had had 4 miscarriages and had not seen him in over a month but would take him back in a minute, the other one siad he was dating her daughter and she was in a long term psychiatric treatment center because of the mental abuse in the relationship, the next one said he was a jerk and a loser and I should run. then the phone rang, I answered and she asked for him, I said he was not there , she says "so are you the new slut he is sleeping with?!" I hung up. Of course I was stunned and overwhelmed but I enjoyed the ride so far so thought I would stick around and see what came next. He brought me to meet his mother, while he was outside I asked about his father. She said he is not dead! He lives a few towns over and never sees his kids. I dont know why my son feels he has to lie to impress people. I think he has low self esteem because of his father.
A few more days passed (3 days since meeting)and I called in to work because he said he wanted to spend time with me. It was not a sacrifice since I enjoyed his company so much. He lit my ciggarettes, opened doors etc. a real gentelman. I let him drive assuming he had a drivers license and he took me to a tattoo parlor and said he wanted my name on his arm because he never wanted to forget the day we met even if I went my own way. I was amazed and told him he was crazy but he insisted so I went along and even paid for it. I went home to get a few things and when I drove back ( I love (my name ) was written in spray paint on the bridge! I loved the attention and the fact that this wealthy, sexy, romantic guy wanted to take such risks to impress me. the sex was phenominal and It was all dangerous and exciting and I liked it. We were driving along and he stopped at this scenic overlook and got out and he took my hand and said" if you are anything like you have been these few days, I want to be with you forever. I have never met anyone like you and probably never will again. If you would have me, I would like you to be my wife."my jaw dropped, I told him he was crazy that he was not in love he was in lust and we should take our time to get to know each other. He said he would wait as long as it took.I felt i was pretty worldly and had been around the block a time or two. I guess I figured I had done all their was to do in life and here was this gut ready to make a commitment and support me and my kid. No more seedy, dimly lit barroms with men pawing at me. It didnt seem like such a bad deal. So I had decided if he was stupid enough to marry me than I was stupid enough to accept. Later that day I asked the guy he lived with some questions, he was very evasive. I felt something was not right. He kept telling me just to ask "him" so later that night I told him about the phone calls, and asked about his dad, the legal papers and this guy . He broke down and cried like a baby. said his mother was very abusive, she wanted him to deal drugs at school but he wouldnt and there was this guy who was like a father figure to him ( the guy he lived with ) he had no where to go and couldnt take it anymore. His mother was in debt and was going to lose her house so the guy gave her $5000 and she gave him her son. He said at first it was great and he was like a real dad. He had lived with him for almost 4 years, after about a year, he was telling him he didnt think his pensi was normal for his age and so the guys says lets see and then it began. He said he wanted it to stop and got in trouble all the time and had numerous girlfriends, but as soon as they found out they left him and he would understand if I did too. He said he had nothing , no money etc. Iwas heartbroken. I felt his pain like I have never felt pain. I had to help him! I had to save him. I told my dad the story and he moved in the next day. More to follow

Ali

Hi

Welcome to the forum - look forward to hearing the rest of your story. You said "I felt his pain like I have never felt pain." It is amazing that they can have this effect on us - when really their pain is phony; they are just putting on an act to manipulate us.


Ali

Nan
(member)
01/18/04 06:42 AM


justagirl
(member)
01/19/04 01:16 PM

Re: My husband is one ( psychopath)Am I an enabler?

Even though I know it is all a lie it is so hardto accept. Part of me wants to believe and like a heroin addict needs a fix, i need him only theres no methadone or fix for this diseased addiction

Ali
member)
01/18/04 06:42 AM

Hi, welcome to the Forum

You write that you don't know where to begin. I can understand that. Once you discover that you've had a P in your life, a million and one thoughts run through your mind and it's hard making head or tails of what really happened.

Writing is, IMO (in my opinion), a fantasic tool to discover, who, what, where and why.

I look forward to reading the rest of your story.

Meanwhile, take care, be safe.

Nan

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#2301 - 01/20/04 03:21 PM Re: My story [Re: Dianne E.]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
hmm just curious is there somewhere we could see or post pictures by any chance? it would be great is there was a "p" alert website lol. it could say this:
"Attention"
Ladies if you see any of these attractive,intelligent, articulate, romantic, sexy, humorous, chivalrous guys,
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

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