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#2332 - 10/19/04 10:35 AM Re: My story
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
jazzyb
(member)
10/19/04 06:29 AM

Hello I am new and I'm glad I found this site. My story, well, it's finally starting to sink in. I met a "wonderful" man on the internet, several years after an abusive divorce and several failed relationships. I shared with him how I had been lied to, manipulated before, and he was so willing to listen because he too had been hurt before, and was coming out of a bad marriage in which he had never felt loved at all in his life. He had a "troubled" childhood, never had any friends, had low self-esteem and because he was in the military, his ex wife, who was the only woman who had ever agreed to date him by the way - had taken a chance on marrying him but got tired of following him every place so he had given up on love. He believed in "old fashioned" values, love, romance and relationships.

We began a six month period of seeing each other every day, he was there for me - whatever I needed he did it. Called every day, but - he worked nights, he was in the military but he had a cell phone and lived with his Aunt, or so he says - I never visited there which should have been my first clue. Then, because he was about to go to Korea, he began staying with me the last six weeks beforehand. I didn't question it, but I thought it strange that he didn't want me to take him to the airport the morning of his departure. "It was too upsetting". He called me once he arrived and we kept up our long distance relationship the whole time he was gone. Long letters, email, and he came home to visit me for a week. Now, while he was gone, for some reason he made up some lie that he wanted to tell me before he left that he had a "sex change operation" - (yes I know it's weird), that he had really been born a girl and changed into a man. So I was really hurt and upset for about two weeks. Then he came back and said he made the whole thing up because he was hurt that he found out about a previous boyfriend I had. I told him he had mental problems and needed help. He agreed to counseling, begged my forgiveness and came home to visit me - getting on his knees - the whole work. Talked about marriage, the future - all the things I wanted to hear. I should have gotten a clue but didn't. He promised the assignment to Korea was 1 year and he'd be back, we'd get married, no more lies he'd be true blue and so forth.

Well, the year was up, and all of a sudden, he got assigned to "Qatar". He was so, so upset because it was going to be to a "remote" location, in a secret facility because of the type of work he does. But, we'd still be able to keep in touch, email each other and the deployment would only be for six months. He came home for a short visit and went off to supposedly Qatar. I kept asking for a mailing address but, due to "secret" issues and what with the war and all - he couldn't give it out. Months passed and I asked about the return. Well, with the war escalating, he got extended six more months. He came home for a short visit around Christmas time. Meanwhile, he called me every weekend, always on a Sunday. I asked why not Friday, Saturday? It seems he's working 24 hours a day and the phone lines are so long. Always telling me how much he loves me, we are going to be together, we are getting married after he comes home, I am the only one. I spent my weekends sitting here, tied to the phone or the internet. I kept asking - is it time to move on - he'd say no, I still love you, you are my life, I am your man - so forth. Well, it's been a year and a half. He said he'd be back in August. But August came and he said he got extended and didn't know when he'd be back, but he "retires" from the military in July 2005 and he will definitely be back in January. I was so upset and asked him are you sure you are not close by?

Everytime he calls, caller ID said he's in Chicago, but he says it's the calling card location that they use. He has an Arizona driver's license, but when I asked him about it, he says it's because he has too many tickets to get one in the state in which we resided. Around Valentine's day, I happenned to do a search of a dating site and found his screen name. It showed he was searching for someone in the Arizona area. When I asked him about it and I was pretty upset, he claimed that it was an old ad, he didn't know why it was there, etc. Like a fool, I believed him. Meanwhile, still no address, more stores of love, the future and so on, but no date of return. Finally, a few months ago, he mentioned that he wasn't being fair to me to keep this relationship going on so long and if I wanted to move on he understood. I was like.."why now, if you're coming back", then he said he overheard someone in the "tent" saying that but he didn't really want to end things, still loved me. Three weeks later, he calls me and tells me he's going to Iraq! He said he'd be there for 3 weeks, that communication would be the same, he'd still email me, still call. I said, well it sounds like you are not coming back and perhaps I should move on. He said - absolutely not. I still love you, I am coming back, nothing will stop me, blah, blah. Well, it has been 3-1/2 weeks, and I have not heard one word from him. I feel like the world's biggest fool.

I have searched every website, and nothing. I called private investigators and they made me feel stupid because without a social security number, they can't trace anything. I went to see a psychologist and talked to her. She said he sounds like a sociopath and I should check him out. I got a little more industrious and searched military bases in Arizona. I called one and asked for him. Sure enough - they told me "he's on leave and will be back on Monday!" I wanted to scream, I am angry. It's as if I don't even know him. What's worse is, he has a key to my home - I live in a different state, he knows everything about ME and I obviously know nothing about HIM. I have written dozens of emails - everyday thinking he would respond and he has not written one word to me. At first they were the usual, but now they are angry. His lies - he met my family - they all thought he was wonderful, that we were getting married, what do I say to people? I feel humiliated, but I am more angry. I know I have to change my locks, but part of me wants to believe that it's just not true.

To see him and meet him - you would not believe it! I wonder how I can ever, ever believe or love another man again. I want to, but I am so burned. I gave him everything. To his credit - he never asked for money, but my trust, my love. What is wrong with me? Why can't I get it right?

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#2333 - 10/19/04 01:07 PM Re: My story [Re: Dianne E.]
recovery Offline
member

Registered: 11/19/02
Posts: 204
Hi Jazzyb

Welcome and hello. Wow the story is always so familiar - the techniques - the blatant lies etc etc. First I would advise that you do change your locks - just a precaution to ensure your peace of mind. Then I would advise you to hold a 'I've escaped from a P Party' because you are lucky that you did not get married, you don't have his child, he did not get you into debt or into any frauds or cons. i know that while the hurt and anger burns inside it is a wee bit difficult to celebrate - but do try.

Trusting again is another issue - that we all have to learn, and I have not mastered this yet. But we can't let them win as that would be the final straw. You sound intelligent, kind, hard working and you deserve better - much better. I would not bother doing any more investigating or confronting - there is no reality for a P - only whatever fantasy they have conjured up - so you can never get to a truth about them - it is like walking on shifting sands. Remember it was because you are nice and intelligent and normal that you were a target. Forget him, try and learn from the experience and vent your anger in posts on this forum. We can listen and maybe help. Sorry I have been so blunt -I hope you don't mind?

Best of luck

Recovery

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#2334 - 10/19/04 05:59 PM Re: My story [Re: recovery]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thank you for responding and no I don't mind you being blunt. I know that I need to move forward, in fact I am planning a vacation for my birthday with friends in a few weeks. You know, this hurts, but in a way it is a blessing in disguise because what if I HAD married him? I was beginning to question things anyway, because things just weren't feeling right. In fact, he even mentioned that if he got assigned to "Arizona" before he retired, he planned to live there and "commute" home on weekends and holidays until we could actually be together! He didn't want me to have to move away and leave my career for the last 6 months of his duty assignment. Looking back, it's all so clear now. Red flags all over the place. Yes - I think I will give my internet investigations a break! I could use some sleep instead of obsessing over where, who, what? It's not doing me any good and I just feel sick inside. I have a mixture of emotions - mostly anger. The pain is lessening, although I'm sure that if I confronted him, it would be so upsetting. Yet, at the same time it's hard not to think of all he said and pretended to be. It's just hard to understand why they do this to us. What is ironic, is that he always told me that his brother did not speak to him and that he had been told by his brother that he "destroyed everything he touched". He always said it hurt him and when I asked him why his brother felt that way about him the only answer he gave me was because of things he said that he did when he was growing up. Naturally I was blinded and just figured it was childhood sibling rivalry. Really, I don't want to mourn him, because in a way - I'm finally free of the waiting. But I did believe I had a future with someone. I was convinced that I had finally found someone who loved me. He listened to me, we laughed together at things, he was attentive. It's just scary not knowing who the heck he really is. I think the idea of a celebration is a good idea. The only thing is that I just feel too humiliated to tell people what happenned just yet..especially all the ones who are so "worried" about him - fighting in the war in Iraq and all! I just feel embarassed. I wonder if other women who felt this way had any issues moving past this stage and just telling people what had occurred? It's like I'm trying to protect HIS image, rather than seeking the support from friends who would want to nail him if they knew what he did!

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#2335 - 10/20/04 02:06 AM Re: My story
recovery Offline
member

Registered: 11/19/02
Posts: 204
Hi Jazzyb

Don't worry about telling people. You need to tell people only what you want to tell them when you want to. I had no choice - I had to find out what was going on and from everyone I knew as we were in a very messy divorce/child custody case. It is devastating finding out about a P, but so much worse when it is played out in court with the P still rewriting the past as it suited him!

Your friends who have never experienced a P first hand will find it dificult to understand, just as you do, but they will also be learning. The hardest thing is that there are no reasons - the P just does what he does to get what he wants at the time.

I hope you have got to the worst - because then you know you can start putting it behind you. I know it it took several months of revelations in my case.

Best of luck


Recovery


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#2336 - 10/20/04 04:58 AM Re: My story [Re: recovery]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Welcome Jazzyb,

I've just downloaded some thoughts on obsessing about Ps to Sadwiser, I think they are also valid here.

Ps and conmen, of which I think yours could also be one, sometimes assume fake identities. My P started doing this 18 months ago. He pretended to be an ex-Marine who got a US passport for fighting in the Gulf War... it got him a lot of interest with women, it taps into our rescuer fantasies. I know that my P used this fake personality so much that he eventually wasn't sure if it was true or not.

I think your P also sounds like he could be making up scenarios so far fetched that his sanity is questionable.

There's nothing shameful in sensibly reassessing your situation upon realising that someone you thought you had a future with has mental issues that he is not prepared to address. I think that's responsible not shameful, especially since the worry seems to be affecting you greatly. We all have a responsibility to take care of ourselves first, if you are in a mess you are no help to anyone.

If he is really in the military, they will intervene and help him.

I can only imagine how devastated you must feel Jazzyb... this guy really sounds like he has been down right callous to you.

Hang in here with us Jazzyb.

Kind regards

KT

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#2337 - 10/20/04 07:23 AM Re: My story [Re: Dianne E.]
Nan Offline
member

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 501
Dear Jazzyp,

A somewhat belated Welcome to the forum!

I can only tell you how sorry I am that you were caught by this man. Your story reads almost like a textbook case of the clever con man.

I too met the P I knew in a forum albeit not a dating forum.
He had the same long and convoluted stories of having served in the military at various hot points across the world. He too lied about who he was, he too was the victim of this, that and the other thing and there was no end to the stories that even included having worked for Intelligence.

Yes, of course, like the P you met, this was a secret and so I should not ask him questions about it. He was paranoid about having his picture taken and explained his nervousness about it with the (fact?) that it was an old thing from his Intelligence days, where he could not risk that the other side found him.

At this point, I would like to mention that contrary to what one might suppose from the above, I have been tested to have a slightly above average intelligence <chuckle>. I will never know or truly understand how I fell for all these incredible stories.

Like the P you met, the P I knew was initially the kindests, most understanding man I had ever met. And yes, he too had had a bad marriage that had marred his ability to trust....

When you start reading the many different stories here, there are all more or less the same, as if made from the same film script just with diferent actors and actresses.

Please do NOT blame yourself. I too was ashamed of myself until I found this place. You could not have got this "right" no matter what you had done. You were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and the man found you and used you for his own entertainment.

In time, you will heal and in time you will hopefully realise that the world is filled with caring, loving and compassionate men and women.

Please keep posting.

Take care,

Nan


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#2338 - 11/06/04 09:32 PM Re: My story [Re: Nan]
Anonymous
Unregistered


WOW. I have read the follow on posts responding to my additions to this site. I sat here thinking of a way to respong and I just kept saying wow.....so that is what I wrote!

Its been a while since I posted. I have had the flu. Thank you for taking the time to reply - to all that did. It seems amazing to me that I have found some like minds here. Even with wonderful friends in my life, my outlets seem few to discuss these issues.

I have a few busy days ahead catching up with things following being down with the flu. I want to compose a reply for you and I will do so very soon. In the mean time, I wanted to tell you I have read your words and appreciate them very much. I will write more soon. Thank you!

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#2339 - 12/12/04 07:50 PM Re: My story
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
knowingbut
(member)
12/09/04 01:38 AM

I joined this forum the other day after running a search for help and i have been absolutley stuck to the threads ever since.

Ok - My story so far. I met my partner ( whom I now know to be a sociopath ) just under three years ago through a friend whos husband was working for him , he was tall dark good looking a cliche i know but true none the less.I was sat in my friends kitchen the first time i ever saw him and he popped in out the blue to do some business .I had my then 2 year old daughter with me, my marriage of ten years had desolved a year earlier and i was starting with this friends help to rebuild my life. He seemed totally smiten with my daughter from the miniute he saw her and was exceptionally charming and plesant towards me.
I grinned like a teenager - no one had made me feel like that for a long time .I was an attractive girl but my confidance was still shattered and it was a huge ego boost to think this apparently goodlooking succseful business man might be interested in me.

However as he left my friend said ...dont even think about it hes bad news. When i questioned her and asked her to elabroate she had heard lots of different rumours from him being gay to him being a child molester. Naturally I was shocked and gave it little thought from then on ..until one day ..the same week my friend and i and her husband were all at my house and this man drew up outside in a suit ....i again was quite taken aback i had no idea he knew where i lived . he had apparently come to see my friends hubby and finding him not at home came to me assuming he would be there. Once again dispite all thier warnings the feelings swept ov er me as he appeared to ficus his talk towards me and gave my daughter some money for some sweets ...he then took off again only to return laterwhen i was alone that afternoon asking about some info id promised to give him with reguards computer's -he asked if he could pop back tonight for it i said fine...and then he asked if it was ok to bring some food with him as he would be hungry when he finished work.i found it a little odd but agreed. He ended up staying the night and we spoke of everything ..includeing the accusation he was a child molester ..plausably he launced into a fine detailed story about his ex partner and a vengance thing...her trying to destroy his life with false allegations that he was unable to have contact now with his own daughter and was purseing a lengthy court battle with the mother. I didnt disbelive him.

The following couple of months i was on cloud 9 , he loved me! he was charming and treated me like a princess - i was used to being short of money and he would throw it at me i took him to meet my family absolutley certain they would feel the same about him but they were unsually quite though not hostile ...apparently he used toi go there a fair bit alone and my dad found his questioning over personal issues ( my dads insurances , pensions ect) a bit disturbing at such an early stage of aquaintance. I made excuses for him saying it was just his way..he was very forthright and they were civil and polite from then on but still remnained untrusting of him .I was dissapointed but brushed it off.

We began clashing over my children...my little girl he adored however my tweo boys ( aged 5 and 7 ) he had little patence with and in my mind was often overly harsh in his language..he appeared to speak to them as if they were miniture adults and have no idea how to come down to thier level it worried me a lot. One time during a furious row with him i told him my children would always come frist ...which i belive is totally natural he said "your a fool they dont respect you and its because you use child centered parenting always thinking of them and not you" but before he came along we were fine..I tried to bite my tongue when he was harsh and he never hit them so i figured maybe it was just my natural protective instincts kicking in and i was being over sensitive, but he seemed to delight in humiliation with them often belittleing them in front of thier friends..i found it harder and harder to cope.

I met someone else and tried to break it off with the (P) ...he wouldnt let it go and eventually succseeded in ruining the relationship ...he played the carrers role then..stayed with me through the pain i felt at loseing the an id got close to ....turned -nice- again and gave me the feelings id had when we first met..he began to get highly religious and would ask me to pray ...and read the bible with him...this was all bizare to me but with hindsight i was in the midst of a breakdown at that point and complied. I gave up my own house and moved into his.Things soon changed back for the worse ..only much worse than before. I felt trapped felt i had burnt my bridges he wouldbe sullen and uncareing spend his time out and about and i would be stuck there cleaning his house ..he would call me lazy and insult me contuinously. Until evcentually i tried a half hearted attemtpt to take an overdose. In bed after i had taken the tablest i calmly told him...he looked at me and groaned as if i was just an incovneniance ..he then cuddled meas i shivered with fear abot what the next hours would bring...then stunningly he tried to get sexual with me...that part will stay in my mind forever..as i lay there potentially dying he tried to have sex with me...and he did with no concent on my part i cried all through the experiance.

I didnt die obviously...and things went right back to normal.I felt unloved - i didnt trust him though i never had anything specific to pin on him because he was always so evasive..i just didnt trust him sexually of in anyway infact. I planned escape..phoned my family and broke my silence...i planned a removal truck while he was at work...and was to stay with my family until i could get rehoused.

The escape was put on hold as my pervious divorce came to the forefront of things and i actually managed to get a house that way....it seemed perfect and i told him i was moving back ( but not calling the relationship off ) i didnt have the guts ..i figured once i had my own security back it would be easier...but once again it changed and he was back to being a great person....really great ..we got on...he still had issue with the boys and favoured my girl but he had calmed on it lots. I asked my family for my sake to be civil and give him another change ..they bit thier tongues and did it.

this brings me up to the present...last weekend i found out by accident my best friend ( who had been living with us all the time at his house and working for me ( i started my own business in computing there )had in the past 6 months been having sexual encounters with him..i was stunned ..hed always treated her terribly ....humiliated her belittled her called her every name under the sun i even witnessed him hit her and throw her out on one occation into the street crying and barefoot..in my eyes he loathed her and put up with her for me.I know she is an insecure person...desperate to be loved like most of us ...had depression problems and a big weight problem ( 19stone ).He would stay at his own house on a wednesday night after playing basketball because it was late and didnt fancy the drive.I was fine with that it gave me a chance to have some space.But i was worried ..i knew dispite his nastiness towards her she had confessed many months before of being attracted to him...my distrust of him heightened my feelings ..and i approached him and asked if she had ever tried anything on...he said he would ask her each wednesday night to rub his feet as they ached but that was it ..I asked him to not do that again....we rowed and he said i was being pathetic...she was revolting ect ect...none the less he stopped staying there.

It turns on on several occastions spanning a 6 month persiod he was unfailthful with her ..never full sex but oral..and he never touched her. When confronted he denied it and took great offnece..but i knew she was telling the truth ..I eventually gave him so much evidance he had to admit it but even when he did he shrugged and said "i hated her i just wanted to abuse her ..it was nothing." she on the other hand had fallen for him and was mortified he phoned her telling her he loathed her and had used her and it had been boreing.
I told him to go ....he phoned up crying..i stuck to my words...he screamed shouted..threatened me with all manner of things.
The she phoned me ( id forgiven her because i knew her motives were at least pure ...i felt betrayed of course but she wasnt to blame not really ) and said he had offered to take her to the house to collect her things ..immediatley all my resolve of finishing with him took a back seat and all i felt was pure anger and jealousy..i could picture them spending the night there alone together laughing at me and i couldnt handle it ..he said he hated her but was he telling the truth.I phoned him up immediatly ( i know i played right into his hands now because that was the reactions he had hoped for ) and told him if he wanted me back he wouldnt ever go near her again..infact i said " ojk fine ...pick her up tonight but dont take her to get her things bring her here...and we can all talk

so we did ..

she told her side ..he told him...and somewhere inbetween lies the truth he wouldnt admit to many things i know shes beeing truthful about so i know he still lies but to prevent the pain of thinking of them together ( it made me physiclaly sick ) i kept him there and sent her off

the next day ( today ) what on earth have i done...

I can think of a million reasons why i KNOW that i know that i know this man is a sociopath...he matches every red flag going...and i cannot give all the details as it would end up being a novel but here i am and my question is when hes nice....its so so so good....is there -any- cure...could he ever change? if not please where do i ever find the courage to get him away from me im so scared of the aftermath and what might happen.

x

Dianne E.
(Administrator)
12/09/04 08:57 AM
Hi knowingbut,

Your situation sounds very sad and must be very hurtful for you. In answer to your question about if a Psychopath can change, unless something was developed last night it is not possible at this point.

You might consider reading this excerpt.

Can Psychopaths Change

recovery
(member)
12/09/04 02:57 PM

Hi knowingbut.

Wecome. I read your story and it sounds typical of so many here. But why, after all he has done, do you still want to try and make excuses for him. Even if you only look at his behaviour with your friend and the contempt with which he has treated you both then you surely must see you are dealing with a nasty person. Keep focussed on the real him behind the mask and you will be able to let go of the illusion. I am no expert, but it seems there is no cure.

You need to think about your safety and the SAFETY of your kids. H ave you family and friends who can help and support and keep you safe from him and from your own desire to think he might change?

Good luck, I know it won't be easy which ever route you choose. Hope you don't mind me being a bit blunt.

Recovery

km56
(member)
12/09/04 06:59 PM

From the link Dianne provided:

"In addition, Hare believes, intervention can appeal to their self-interest and make use of the best available cognitive-behavior programs. Yet this requires their active participation. "You say to them, 'Most people think with their hearts, not with their heads and your problem is you think too much with your head. So let's change the problem into an asset.' They understand that. They say, 'Oh, yeah. I'm too rational. Like Spock on Star Trek.'" "

Whoah, does this ever resonate. Except instead of Spock, he compared himself to The Borg.

Nan
(member)
12/10/04 07:56 AM

Hi Knowingbut,

Welcome to the forum.

The mind has a tendency not to believe what it knows to be true, especially if that truth is counter to what we think we want or need. You very obviously know that this man is bad news. You even suspect that he is a psychopath. Yet, you are grasping at straws hoping, thinking against all the available evidence that he will change and once again become your prince on the white horse that you feel you need in order to survive.

You, like most every one of us here, want(ed) to believe that the perfect man exists – that you found him, and that he, against all odds, would continue to be perfect. There is no such thing as the prefect man (or woman) and the sooner we all divest ourselves of this bit of idiotic and misbegotten thinking, the sooner we will see the light.

Psychopaths do not change! That’s like asking a tiger to change its stripes. It cannot be done.

You must focus on your children and get them away from this man who is very busy damaging their self concept, which can have a devastating effect on the rest of their lives. Your first responsibility is to your children. You are their mother and they, rightly, look to you to protect them against evil and wrongdoing.

You know that this man has a very damaging effect on your children and that effect will keep magnifying the longer you allow them to be in his presence.

As well, to be the best parent possible you must protect yourself. By allowing this man near you, you are on a slippery slope downwards, and I speak from personal experience. The more you are around him, the more he will damage you too, and the result will be that you will not be able to adequately consider your children’s welfare.

You have now taken a step in the right direction. You are consciously aware that this man is in all ways damaging – to your children and to you. Please hold on to that thought.

The only way is to get away. Get away and avoid all contact. Nothing he says, nothing he promises is worth a dime. This man is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. This is no fairy tale and there are NO happy endings. It’s all too real and the sooner you allow yourself to believe what you know to be true, the sooner you will be okay.

Take care,

Nan

Mati
(member)
12/12/04 01:10 AM

Hi knowingbut

Welcome to the forum. Talking to those who have made the break and have formed a new life for themselves is the best thing you can do for yourself at the moment.

Please do not let anyone who acts like a p anywhere near your children. Too late I found that my childrens' father (and step father) worked behind my back to destroy my relationship with them, in a way that looked like he was 'defending' them from my 'strictness' which was normal parental behaviour, whereas he acted like their best friend. They are severely messed up and one commited suicide so beware that all you see is not all there is with this type. The longer it goes on the more damage you are left with and it takes a long time to recover from it and even more for the children.

Even with him out of my life it carries on through my (adult) children. Take care of you and yours when you have the chance.

Mati

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#2340 - 12/12/04 07:59 PM Re: My story [Re: Dianne E.]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
learner
(member)
12/12/04 07:16 PM

He let his 4 year old son drive a car on the highway and thinks that's cool. He habitually lies about where he lives. He has no conscience - no idea of consequences of his own actions. He pays no maintenance for his child (not uncommon - but he thinks he's justified because he's "above the law")He bought a listening device, stole taxi fares in a private hire vehicle registered in a false address; got beaten up by taxi drivers, then after an overnight stay in hospital, went straight back to the activity and place which caused him to be beaten up. When I moved house he followed in a mobile home and lived a fantasy life calling himself my husband and introducing himself to my friends and neighbours as such! He gave an interview to the press claiming to own the largest website in the world for used cars (!) and claiming that he had set up a professional training school for taxi drivers (all complete fantasy)all the cars were supposed to be ecofriendly and of the Virgin franchise (which, of course, he doesn't have!)He has made certain remarks of a sexual nature concerning out daughter (describing in graphic detail how others might sexually abuse her). He has threatened to kill me - not to my face but on an official government department recorded telephone line! He has taken me to court for custody of our daughter but doesn't have an address. His father is manic depressive. He sacked his solicitors partway through the court case and refused to pay them a penny .......shall I go on??????

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#2341 - 04/18/05 06:42 AM Re: My story [Re: Dianne E.]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
amiratuka
(member)
03/25/05 03:09 AM

I have just found out that I am married to a psychopath. It is amazing how he is pulling a fast one through the court system. He is in the military and has been trained to be an interrogator. He's been interrogating for nearly four years now and is incredibly good at F**king with people's minds. He has really done a job on me and is now working through the court system to get custody of our three children. He has already gotten temporary custody and has had it for the past six months while I go through mental evaluation after psych evaluation to prove that I am not crazy and an unfit mother like he so claims. I have forked over nearly $10,000.00 in legal fees to prove this and am having an extremely hard time proving that he is the one that needs the help. My children are all under the age of four. I have been a stay at home mother and wife for the past five years. I have gone through tremendous mental and emotional hardship and have nothing to prove it. How can I prove in the court system that my husband is a psychopath? As it is, I had criminal charges dismissed against him on the condition that he undergo a psych eval just like I had to do. All in the hopes that the psycologist that does the evaluation is able to see through My husbands fake persona. Even so, it is overwhelming to know that this man has my children every day. I have not seen them in weeks. It is not legal for him to keep me from them but he is doing so by lying to the day care and those around him. So, when I try to go and see my children I am prevented by those whom I had considered my friends. I have court documents that say that the custody is JOINT and temporary and that we have equal rights and say in all matters pertaining to our children but no one belives me. I have to wait to document every time I am refused the right to see or talk to my childrn so that we can take it to court and have him held in contempt of a court order. My children have been sick since the first week of being in his care. Constant fevers and colds. I have to demand that he take them into the doctor (he told the doctor that I have no right to take them in and make medical decisions) and threaten legal action before he will. I go to my lawyer and am told to just wait and let him dig his grave. How much longer do I have to wait?!? and What about my babies?!? they are suffering...he tells them that I don't love them anymore, that I am sick and will hurt them. He tells my children that I have gone crazy and have to be with the doctors a lot. That is of course hurting my babies. My Oldest (four years old) will defend me until she is blue in the face. He's olny tearing them down and what can I do? Just wait for him to dig his grave deeper?!? I need help here!

Granted I have a social worker who sees (my husband) for what he is and she is documenting everything. She will be supenaed for the custudty case and will testify for me. My deepest concern is my children. What type of damage will this do? How do I fix it when I get them back? and of course I always fear that (my husband) will talk his way out of this mess like he has every other time. So, what do I do to help my lawer build this case. Even she does not believe that (my husband) is the way he is. She says "You two are bad for each other" constantly. She finds it hard to believe all that I tell her about what went on in our relationship. Even I find it all hard to believe. But it is all true. Is there really an end to this caous? Will I ever be rid of him? How do I come out of this mess on top? Any advice would help.

Nan
(member)
03/25/05 08:49 AM

Dear Amiratuka,

First, allow me to welcome you to the forum. Second, for your safety, I have edited out your husband's name. Where you had written his name, I have substituted (my husband). Other than that, your post is just as it was when you wrote it.

Have you read Toccata's thread:

'The Trouble Other People Have Understanding', which you will find in the 'Psychopaths in your Life' section?

Tocatta's thread and the link, will give you some idea of why it is SO difficult to make other people understand what you are going through and also why you are having a very hard time making anyone believe that what you say is true.

Let me assure you that I understand you and that I believe you!

You are probably stretched to the breaking point. And you are stressed out emotionally and perhaps financially as well. You are understandably worried about your children and their continued welfare. In short: you are in a VERY distressed state of mind. I am certain that you are aware of all the above.

However, what you may NOT be aware of is the fact, that the more stressed, distressed and hysterical you become, the less you will be believed against your husband's cool, calm and collected PUBLIC behaviour, which is all any of the people, social workers, doctors, psychiatrists and day care personnel involved, will ever see.

This is a sad fact and I am truly sorry for you are in a terrible situation.

I cannot give you any real good advice on how to deal with
all these people. What I can do is suggest to you that you be ever calm, cool and collected whenever you are dealing with any of these people. The object of this exercise is that you want to be BELIEVABLE. You want to be and present the real thing irrespective of how you feel inside. It's a hard thing to do, but it works.

Try to present a calm and level exterior - take deep breaths.
Do not shout.
Do not lose your sense of proportion.
Do not make weird or wild accustaions about anyone.
State your case as calmly and efficiently as you are able.
Be polite at all times.
Use good vocabulary.
Do not swear, sneer or use an ironic tone of voice.
Be factual and logical without resorting to hysteria.

NEVER, never have any conversations with your husband without a witness present. If he tells you that he needs to talk or see you or anything like that, politely refuse unless you can have another person present. You should not tell him this, you should simply arrange to have another person present - one of your parents, someone from the family, a girlfriend or a neighbour. If your husband comes to the house meet him outside and STAY there. You are safer this way and chances are that your husband will behave with reasonable decorum since there is a strong change that he will be overheard. Above all, BE POLITE with him, but be FIRM.

Collect evidence - writings, phone messages, anything at all that can be used against your husband. No item is too small or insignificant. Do NOT alert your husband that you are doing this. In fact, keep it to yourself until you have something you can definitely use - then present it.

I know that you are very worried about your children. I believe that your best chance to see them again and to beat your husband at his own game, is to be as calm, cool and collected as you can possibly be.

And stay in touch. We will do our best to support you.

Take care,

Nan

amiratuka
(member)
03/25/05 11:33 PM

Dear Nan, Thank you for your advice. I'll be using it in the near future.

As it is now, I have a restraining order against my husband and he also has a no contact order through his chain of command. Meaning that if he contacts me in any way he will be breaking a direct order from his Major. My husband didn't get really bad until this last time. He had just been a verbal and mental kind of guy finding extreme fun in messing with my mind. The last time however I had told him that I was not going to move with him and that we were getting a divorce. He didn't take it all to well.
Now, We exchange the children in front of the local sherriff and I have taken every letter that he has written me since the restraining order to his chain of command and my laywer. But I am still fighting an uphill battle. How do I educate my lawyer on the type of man he is? How can i get her to believe me?

Thankfully I had a friend convince me that I should have the bruises photographed and medically documented. So, Social services is involved and the woman that is working with (my husband) believes me. But I have to wait for her to document everything. She believes him to be a narcissist and after answering a questionare that my own psycologist gave me about my husband he says that he fits the profile of a psychopath. Of course after reading up about it I totally agree. My husband never ever remembered my birthday in five years of marraige and never ever remembered to buy me christmas gifts. I packed my clothes in and out of an old suitcase for our whole marraige because my husband insisted that a dresser was too expensive but he had a dresser for his clothes. I wasn't allowed to get a hair cut because it was too expensive but he had his hair cut every two weeks. I couldn't go to college because we couldn't afford it then two days after we discussed that my husband purchased a brand new computer that was equal to the cost of my tuition and books at the local community college. He could shove me outside in the cold and rain and then convince me that i had insisted on standing out there myself.

I can't imagine what it is that he is thinking. I really don't think that he is going to do anything else to me now. He'd be a fool to. I am not going to fall into his traps anymore. I refuse to have any contact with him whatsoever and plan on keeping it that way. When we go into court for that emergency custody hearing he will have his whole world come crashing down on him. He has been caught, finally. But it is a long time in putting together the case. I have to admit that I am looking forward to seeing him dig his hole deeper but at the same time it will be a painful thing to watch. I am not wanting to see him break down and am told that he might just do that in or directly after the courtroom that gives me back the kids and the house. How do I handle that? I am not really ready to see him again. how do I prepare myself for that?

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