Hi sylvie

Just reading through the problems you are having makes me think that it is not worth fighting what you are up against and I think I would leave the area. From what I have been finding out about p's, they are too dangerous to come up against. I see now that had I got out of the way when I first left home, and had no contact, then the relationship with my sons would not have been as bad as it is now because p has used the contact I have had with him and the boys to further destroy the relationship with them despite me working hard to improve it.

For the immediate future, I think I would get the police involved though if it was me and the negative implications for others are the responsibility of the purpetrators not you. Bullying just gets worse if you do nothing IMO. But I realise it is a hard decision that only you can make knowing the repercussions.

Hi Sylvie,

On the question of whether we are at fault for getting hooked unto a P, there are, just as you mention, different schools of thought.

As far as I am concerned, we are who we are by virtue of nature and nurture. Our eyes are blue or brown, our skin is light or dark, we are tall or short and no one is going to say anything other than that is nature, i.e., genetics. By virtue of nature AND nurture some of us are soft spoken and gentle, others loud and temperamental and so on. Some of us are very nurturing with other people while some of us are more predisposed to minding our own business.

I do not think that it need be a negative personaility trait that attacts a P. For example, strong, very capable and nurturing women can be just the thing to attact a needy P. Being strong, capable and nurturing is not a negative characteristic. Being a well-to-do business woman can also be an attractive trait for a P who is out to get a little economic freedom on such a woman's tails.

As you know yourself, a P can be a chameleon, who knows just how to appeal to whatever characterics we have. A P is very good at reading other people and honing on on the one aspect where a person is in need of support, love and care.

We all need support, love and care, and some of us manage to get the right amount of erach from work and family, but most of us are lacking in those departments. It need not be something that bother us or make our lives difficult in any way, it may simply be that we know that a little more of those things would fall on a dry spot and when it is offered to us by a seemingly caring, intelligent, attractive ,supportive and accomplished person, why would we say, 'No thanks!'. It's almost too good to be true and such nice men don't grow on trees.


You write:

"I just want to figure out if I and others need to develop a more scaly exterior going forward and nip these things in the bud before they spin out of control. "

Yes, I think we would wise to figure out what in our make-up that attracted a P in the first place. Perhaps, we need to be tougher in certain areas. The strong and capable need to realise that they cannot save the world and those of us who are aware that we are (were) lacking love and support, can learn to be more realistic about where such can be found without compromising the Self.

If everyone was like H.H. Dalai Lama, there would be no need for such an enlightened being to exist - he would be superflourous.

As far as I understand the Dalai Lama, his message is that we must practice compassion - and what better place to start than with our Selves.

Take care,

Nan

Rick1 started this thread to discuss ideas/etc. of revenge against Psychopaths. Please let's return to the topic as I think it must be an idea that runs through the mind of any victim = how to get revenge and if it is worth it or dangerous.

In reply to:

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rick b1

07/29/03 03:10 PM

Many of us have posted concerning the cycles that we experience in dealing/having dealt with a P in our lives.
Confusion, depression, guilt, adulation, clarity. I sometimes find myself cycling in another direction...revenge. I think about creating
a situation or setting something up in my P's life to get back in some way. Mostly it involves hitting at a place that will really have some impact (if that is even possible) but always, always in a manner that could not be connected directly to me. I'm curious if anyone else finds themselves fantasizing in this way as well and if they would care to share what the payback might involve. Of course, in dealing with a P a setback really isn't that at all...for too long at least. A true P would just pick himself/herself up and move on to the next situation. In that way they truly are like the characters in the Terminator movies.

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Thanks,

Di

Maybe a thread of ideas of why people think Psychopaths get attracted to victims would be in order?

Hi Mati and Nan,

I haven't had much of a chance to respond to your posts before this. Nothing like dealing with P situations to keep one busy. I am going to respond on the General Discussion thread since I don't think it's about revenge per se, but more just about addressing the situation.

Regards,
Sylvie

Hi Mati

Just came accross one of your earlier posts and thought how uncannily your description of your P in photos reminded me of my ex. He too would look apologetic (the unassuming victim) or nervous even shifty on occasions. But just as the mask slipped and my time was up i caught the real him on video - and it scared me as he was sober and venemous. It was a redflag I tried to ignore at the time.

I hope you do have the strength to keep fighting for your sons, with God's help you will get through. I don't know why some have to suffer so much - but there must be a plan for us all.

Best of luck

Recovery

recovery

Thank you for that. I find a real need to have it frequently confirmed to me that p IS a p at the moment when I am forced into communication due to my sons and my refusal to give up on them. A few have advised me to walk away and leave them to it, they not being children now, and after they have treat me so badly but I tried and I cannot do it. I cannot cope with the grief and besides, although p is more powerful than me, he is not more powerful than my God.

I have been able to be calm and reasonable with them recently. One of my boys says that he does not know who to believe so he has decided not to believe either of us. I said that it is a pity because he will likely miss the truth and if I was a dishonest person then I would have had his father sectioned by putting on a scene and calling the agency instead of having to leave my home (he has been on the mental health team as he acts out psychosis to stay sick) I also was able to catch him in a lie to my son as p has talked about us getting back together but told our sons there was no way he would go back to me. I had a breakthrough as I think my son believed me this time and is mad his father lied.

I hope that I am doing the right thing. I know that if the boys stop alienating me so much then p will spring into more action and the boys will suffer by being torn more. A bit of hope is that my son says that he wants to live with just his brother and with neither of his parents. Hopefully any comeback from p will reinforce this decision. He will probably put on the suicide act to keep them with hinm though.

Interesting to hear about the photo's. Some other ones have a sort of hangdog expression too. Mine kept up some of the mask for a long time, and I did not see the venemon until he knew I knew. I have managed to cool that now though and he has replaced the mask somewhat as he thinks that he has managed to convince me he is not p. At least he thinks he is letting me think this.

I will not go on forever though. I just want my boys to get fed up with him then I can break contact with p hopefully when I have got onto a better standing with them.

love
Mati