Lynnie,

It seems that when they are being 'nice', they do such a good job of it that they worm their way so deep into our hearts that it is almost impossible to believe the 'bad' P really exists. And our brains are made in such a way that we tend to forget how bad the pain really is, when things are unbearable. (Like a mother forgets how bad labour pains are once she has her baby in her arms). And that is just why P's can fool you into going back to them time and time again; why we keep coming back for more and getting hurt all over again. Unfortunately the 'good' P is no more than an illusion; he is not a real person and you can never, ever gain his love because he has none. We have to believe that and be strong in staying away from them; it is our only hope. It's going to be hard for you if he is trying to come back into your life, but stay strong. You are worth much more than he can give you.

I've just finished rereading all the posts in this thread and it's been very helpful. I feel like I'm participating in a group therapy session!

I am now "forced" to have weekly interactions with P. He hasn't (yet) given up on showing up at league, and I can't bear to quit. Last night he had his charming, fun P mask on, and I ignored him and didn't make eye contact. He's ignoring me for the time being, so it's working out but is quite uncomfortable.

I am no longer a nervous mess when he shows up, but I do have a lot of unresolved anger and am experiencing that bizarre guilt about ignoring him. It has been coming out in the form of bad dreams and obsessing about the whole thing the next day.

When will these negative feelings go away? How do I get to the next step in the grieving process?

My friends think his showing up and ignoring me is the calm before the storm - that he won't go away until he explodes again. I just can't bear to think that I'm going to have to deal with this indefinitely. And I feel so badly for all of you who have to deal with so much worse.

Sincerely,

Lynne

Lynnie,

I can't remember if your P has his sites set on a new target or not. If not, once he finds one he will move on eventually. P's discard people like we would swat a mosquito. If he feels he is still getting a rise out of you...or is waiting for you to break, somehow.... it may just be his way of exhibiting dominance and control. Don't buy into it. If you enjoy your league continue going. What kind of a league is it if you don't mind my asking? If this league involves sport where you would be competing directly against your P...that would be a tough situation for anyone, even if they were dealing with a recent ex-partner.. P or not.
I have to drive in my P's neighborhood from time to time for work related business...so I know that sense of dread. I couldn't imagine having to square off with my P once a week in the same room. I sometimes wonder if this sense of foreboding and devastation ever goes away completely. Like anything, with time I imagine it gets better. Are there any forum readers that have been "P-free" for 5, 10, 15, 20 years? We would love your feedback. Please weigh in.

Rick

>>> I can't remember if your P has his sites set on a new target or not. If not, once he finds one he will move on eventually. P's discard people like we would swat a mosquito. <<<

I know he is upset that his ex-wife is seeing a very brawny guy that P can't intimidate. I think I had a couple months of "no contact" because he was focused on the ex-wife and her new relationship. And I'm pretty sure he's always on the lookout for new targets. I noticed him being charming with a new girl on the league last night - I don't think he was all that interested in her, but her eyes lit up with the attention. It's amazing the way he can work a crowd.

Thanks for the suggested read - The Devil in the White City - I've just started and it's uncanny how the author caught the P personality. I see my P in just about every page.

>>> If he feels he is still getting a rise out of you...or is waiting for you to break, somehow.... it may just be his way of exhibiting dominance and control. Don't buy into it. If you enjoy your league continue going. <<<

I'm glad you didn't advise me to quit, because I really enjoy it and don't want to be intimidated by him. I guess I should use the time to desensitize myself to seeing him and practice self-control. As long as he doesn't get a rise out of me, I win and (hopefully) he will tire of his latest game and find a new one somewhere else.

I had a very interesting physiological reaction when I saw him last night - instead of that "punch in the gut" feeling I started yawning uncontrollably. I wasn't tired - I think I was subconsciously taking your advice to act bored!

>>> What kind of a league is it if you don't mind my asking? If this league involves sport where you would be competing directly against your P...that would be a tough situation for anyone, even if they were dealing with a recent ex-partner.. P or not. <<<

It's a pool league, and it's possible (but not too likely) that I would have to play against him. The last couple weeks we have played on tables next to each other which was very strange. Last night he lost pretty badly, so I'm hoping his ego won't allow him to be seen as weak in my eyes and he'll quit the league.

>>> I have to drive in my P's neighborhood from time to time for work related business...so I know that sense of dread. I couldn't imagine having to square off with my P once a week in the same room. I sometimes wonder if this sense of foreboding and devastation ever goes away completely. Like anything, with time I imagine it gets better. <<<

I'm wondering if weekly "non"-interactions with him will help me get through this whole thing, or if it will set me back. It feels like a setback at the time, and during the next day or two, but it may help to make my resolve stronger over time. Time will tell.

>>> Are there any forum readers that have been "P-free" for 5, 10, 15, 20 years? We would love your feedback. <<<

When I first discovered this site, I read tons of posts. I noticed that most people seem to go through a similar healing progression and eventually stop posting. As they stop posting, newly enlightened P targets begin posting their stories. I'd be surprised if there are a lot of people reading who have been P free for years. Hopefully, they are all living joyful P-free lives and aren't still trying to process all this pain by participating here

Rick

I just want to note here that you keep coming back to the point that they all move on to torture someone else.

Why are you so exactly sure that they move on? If I could depend on that, I believe my life would be a picnic... but mine does not see able to move past me however long I ignore him (20 months?).

Kind regards

K.T.

Lynnie,

Yes, I remember the situation now. I should have re-read some earlier postings.

I am so glad you are reading The Devil in the White City. One of my best friends recommended it to me. Oddly, he was reading it when I was in the middle of dealing with my P. Needless to say he told me I must read this book. I would be interested in hearing more feedback from you as you read it.

Rick

K.T.

Every single P is unto himself/herself. No two are alike completely. From my own experience, and from what I have read cover and over again, most P's do move on to new victims once they no longer get a source of narcissistic supply from the most recent. So, on some level your P may think you are capable of this.....or you are a member of his "core group." Most often this core group includes at least one member of the P's family...or others that "provide"
for the P in some way, shape or form. Several researchers
have touched on this...but I don't think anyone has gone into great depth.
So, for whatever reason....your P keeps popping up. Maybe
he gets some sort of satisfaction thinking that you are always "on edge" ?

Rick

Lynnie,

I am curious if you have read further in Devil in the White City and any thought/comments you might have. Other than that, I hope that all is well with you.

Rick

I agree Ali. The saddest part is that the P, because they lack the ability to empathize so they don't really care about the victim and frankly can't seem to see the victim's pain, pick on precisely the vulnerable person that will find their game devastating. I think it's interesting that some of my personal friends who are tough and cynical see through my ex husband easily.

I have after years begun to heal. Although the funny part is that I realize that I am vulnerable to the "nice" facade still. So it seems good that I believe my P has disappeared for good. I kind of know it in my bones. He has had a relapse on cocaine, said he was going into a 28 day program. That was a week ago and he hasn't called to let us (his 19 year old daughter and myself) how he is doing.

I haven't told my daughter he relapsed, and I won't if he shows up, but if doesn't I will have to let her know.

The reason I think he is gone is that he undertook and kept up sending us a montly amount that was quite generous even though there is no court order. I think once he has relapsed he may not be able to continue to do well financially. Rather than continue with the pressure to produce I think he's going to leave. I don't know why I am almost sure this is the case. It is eerie to think that he will vanish without a trace. But I just feel so sure. I don't know why, it's virtually psychic.

Algaringo

Hi, Rick -

I've read about half of "The Devil in the White City". It's really quite good - and chilling. Larson turns a phrase in such a way that a few words evoke a memory of my P's behavior. Very creepy, but good for me since P looks like he's enjoying keeping tabs on me once a week.

The first couple weeks that P showed up he looked a bit freaked out, but lately he seems to be getting the mask back into place. He's turning on the charm with a bunch of my acquaintances. He's careful not to talk to any of my real friends because they know the story. He gave me a big, fake smile the other night - our first eye contact. I looked away and continued ignoring. It's very difficult because I feel like a jerk for being so antisocial toward him, but I don't want to end up like one of Holmes' many victims!

I hope you are doing better in the journey than I am at the moment...Lynne