>>> I feel truly sorry for you that you have to face your P on a weekly basis. I don't think I would be able to handle it.... knowing what I know. <<<

An interesting thing is happening, Rick. I'm beginning to think that running into P on a weekly basis is actually helping in my healing process. I'm becoming desensitized to his presence. I'm also resolving some things that are brought up by running into him - things that I would suppress if I didn't see him regularly. Also, I've stopped looking over my shoulder all the time - I'm no longer afraid of running into him.

I still have not even said hello to him. And instead of diverting my eyes when I see him looking at me, I was able to look right through him yesterday. He was bragging to a friend about how great his life is, and I knew it was all part of the act - that he was still hiding behind his mask. I didn't feel like I was missing something - instead I felt happy that he's not in my life making me crazy.

Perhaps these weekly interactions are a blessing instead of a curse...Lynne

Lynnie,

I can imagine that the exposure would actually work to your advantage after a while.... depending on the situation at least. I'm happy that you are in a better place and feeling more comfortable with the weekly contact. One question, though, if it is even pertinent at this time. Has your frame of mind changed to the point that you think you could open yourself up to the possibility of being involved with another person?

For me, no contact is still the best at this time. I have found that the longer I am away from my P the healthier I feel about myself, etc... The memories, remembrances and
pain is fading. I rarely obsess about the situation any more. Sometimes I go off on a mini-tailspin, but it doesn't last for long.

Rick

>>> I can imagine that the exposure would actually work to your advantage after a while.... depending on the situation at least. I'm happy that you are in a better place and feeling more comfortable with the weekly contact. <<<

Several weeks ago when P started showing up, I didn't imagine that I might become desensitized to his presence. I just prepared myself for the worst each week. I think it helps that he hasn't been aggressive toward me or my friends. He's making his presence known and doing his "life of the party" act for anyone who will listen, but it just reinforces that I made the right decision to get out of that relationship and maintain a "no contact" policy.

>>> One question, though, if it is even pertinent at this time. Has your frame of mind changed to the point that you think you could open yourself up to the possibility of being involved with another person? <<<

I have been involved with someone since the relationship with P ended. The new guy ("Q") was a friend I hung out with when P was going through the many dumping phases of his cycles. Q happened to ask me out when I experienced the "last straw" with P. Q has been very understanding, supportive, and attentive and has almost literally saved my life - certainly my sanity. Q is a wonderful person, but I still find myself holding back. I'm not sure I will ever let myself love so irrationally again. Also, I'm still having a little trouble trusting my instincts after denying them during my relationship with P. So while I am involved in a good relationship, there is still a part of me that is being overly cautious.

>>> For me, no contact is still the best at this time. I have found that the longer I am away from my P the healthier I feel about myself, etc... The memories, remembrances and
pain is fading. I rarely obsess about the situation any more. Sometimes I go off on a mini-tailspin, but it doesn't last for long. <<<

I'm glad you are feeling better. It definitely helps when the recovery time from the tailspin gets shorter and the time between tailspins get longer. You can tell that you're making progress in the right direction.

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I just read a very insightful article, "Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser".

It describes why victims stay in abusive relationships. It also had good advice for friends and relatives of victims.

Love and Stockhold Syndrome

**edited to make link clickable, Di

Lynnie, Excellent article. Thank you for posting it. For those of us that are trying the "no contact" rule it is alway helpful to be reminded of how we felt while we were in the thick of it. Yes, this article brings back a lot of feelings, situations and memories. I have a friend that has recently seperated from a P. I recognized the situation more than 8 months ago but my friend did not want to see it..... as the article clearly spells out. Now my friend is in that emotionally charged state... crying at the drop of a hat, the deep pit of emptiness in the stomach, confusion, wanting to be with the other person but knowing it is not the right thing to do, etc..... All that I could say to him was that it will get better the more he is away from his ex. And to all of the people out there that are reading this....trust me, it does get better. I recently hit a milestone and I felt like the spell from my P was lifted and I feel great. There are many days that my P doesn't even cross my mind and I don't obsess about him any more. Believe me, the longer you go without having contact with your P the better !!!! Rick

I do beleive that within his "capacity" to love and within his concept of "love" he loves me. however there is no feeling of being "in love".
I know ...sick thinking huh?

I've just read one of your posts - dated quite a while ago - and I wondered whether you were still using this forum? I simply couldn't believe how similar your experiences are to mine. Almost every sentence you wrote could have been written or uttered by me. I've only recently come across this site and I'm still trying to get my head around navagating it successfully. However, fate kind of led me to yours and here I am responding. Have you been able to stay away from your ex? Does your life resemble, once again, the life you had before you became involved with him? I apologise if this is bad timing or if it brings back painful memories ... it's just that I could relate so well to what you expressed and it compelled me to contact you.

Hi Clarity,

Welcome!

Since most P's have the same MO, I think that you'll find that many of the posts here resemble each other even though they are written by very different people.

When I started reading posts, just a few months ago, I thought, " I could've written that AND that." It was so uncanny to be among other people who had experienced the same horrific relationship. It was such a relief to realise that I'm not the only one who was led down the garden path by a P and I felt that I could look at the experience in a more objective manner.

I don't know about others here, but my life will never be as it was. I'm sadder but also wiser now. Still, the experience continue to reverberate through my mind. Right now the all-pervading thought is why did he do it? I know that the answer must be, 'because he could', but somehow it doesn't satisfy.

I think we can all in various ways relate to each others stories. I for one have found this forum and the people here, very helpful. I am glad you found us.

Regards,

Nan

Nan,
Thanks for replying so quickly.
I feel I'm in the wrong thread here - although I'd love to jump right into this topic. However, I'd first like to tell you all a little about what's been going on and how I feel right now. I attached a document to my initial email but I'm not sure whether you were able to view it. I've just spent the entire evening on this brilliant site and now I understand how to move around ...! Consequently, I'll introduce myself in one of the new forum threads. Hope you find me there...

Hi Clarity,

Thanks, yes, I found your post in New Forum members.

Please rest assurred that every one of your feelings and experiences with this man can be corroborated bu almost anyone here.

Please believe me when I tell you that you are NOT crazy. You are a sane, intelligent woman caught in the sticky web of a nasty 'spider' whose behaviour has slowly ground you down to the point where you question your sanity and your intelligence.

It's a journey I recognize. I too, started doubted what I knew was the truth. I too started thinking that I'd completely lost my mind, not to mention my intelligence.

P's are SO good at making you feel that you are the insane, unreasonable and crazy one in the relationship, when the fact of the matter is that it's the P who answers(not that he's agree to that) to all these labels.

There is nothing you can do to change to this man. NOTHING! No matter what he says - no matter what promises he makes, please believe that he has no intention of keeping his word or abiding by the promises he makes. All he wants is to take you for another long emotional ride to hell in a handbasket.

Does this man sound like a P? Yes he does, but only you will know for certain. The point is that no matter what he really is and P is a very good guess on your part, he does not have your best at heart. He never will! The only person that he cares about is himself.

You write that from the time you met him and till now, you have lost all sense of yourself as a capable woman who can make strong independent decisions. As long as you stay with him, you will continue to feel this way. He is NOT going to allow the strong, independent woman to come back. Such a woman doesn't serve his agenda, whereas a simpering fool does. I too was such a simpering fool. I hardly recognised myself and I surely didn't think that I would ever sink so low, but I did! It's a horrible state of mind and I feel for you.

I got out and I am GLAD. Now my life is, once again, starting to make sense and I can see the sun and smell the roses. Not every day, but almost every day.

If I understand you correctly, you have no children of your own. Is that correct?

Please consider getting out of the relationship. Move FAR away. Have NO contact with the P. I know it's hard and I know it's fraught with practical and financial difficulty but once you're out the fog will lift. I promise you!

You once had all your ducks in a row and you can do it again. Think of it as a business challenge. Write out what you need to do A then B and then C and then do it.

You sound like woman who knows how to get things done. It may seem to you that you have forgotten, but your letter tells me that you know how.

First though, you have to make it clear to yourself that you're in a relationship with a manipulator par excellence. You will NOT win no matter what you do - no matter what you say to him. The only way to win is to get out and to stay out.

Most of all, please believe that hidden just behind the simpering fool is a strong, capable and intelligent woman -YOU!

Hugs,

Nan