Aloha!
First of all, I would like to introduce myself… My name is "Bob" and I am going with the pseudo of "Akalabob"… "Akala" is the Hawaiian word for "sun".

Now, for my problem… My dad passed away last January, which was the beginning of my problem. I did not know that my sister was a psychopath until after that. I checked with Dr. Hare's checklist, and she fits the profiles very well. These are her symptoms:

1. She tries to control everyone and every thing.
2. She is a chronic liar.
3. She is greedy, and after material things.
4. She can shop until she drops.
5. She has no guilty conscience.
6. She has been "transferring" guilt.

Since the death of my dad, my sister picked two fights with me, with the last one causing me to "disown" her. There are only two of us "children" in the family. Because of relatives believing her lies, I have discontinued communications with two aunts and an uncle. The lies are very vicious

Before I ramble along too much, my question is, how do I deal with the lies of this psychopath of a sibling. She is 64, and I am 61. I will answer any questions that you have either here, or on email.
Aloha,
Akalabob

Hi "Bob", welcome to the forum. Can you be more specific and perhaps give an example that makes you think your sister is a Psychopath? The dividing line is if a person does not have a conscience. Perhaps this is the case here, however some of the criterial can be misleading if a person is dealing with a garden variety creep.

Di

Aloha Di,
OK, I will give you more specifics.
My sister has been in public office for about 20 years, in the Hawaii State House and Hawaii State Senate. She is divorced after a rocky 14 years of marriage, with three children, (Now all adults with the youngest being 38 years old) Since her divorce, she has had a few relationships with other men.

When my Dad died, she picked two fights with me. The first, was before the funeral, when she took charge of everything. The second, was soon after the funeral, when she claimed that I got anything and everything I wanted from our parents, and she didn't get one red cent. (Which is a filthy lie)… Being of Asian ancestry, I could have inherited my parent's entire estate, but I insisted that my sister got half, because we are in America, and third generation.

What really hurt, is that she has been telling family members, that when dad died, I was grabbing everything and anything I could get my hands on. (Another vicious lie) So far, all I have taken is a lathe, which belongs to, and I returned to, my father-in-law, and a vice, (worth about $60.00) which has some sentimental value to me. I took those items in June, while my dad died in January.

The reasons for the lies, is she is transferring guilt, which is another trait of psychopaths. Since my dad's death, my sister has taken all of my father's work, (he was a craftsman) both of my parent's birth certificates, the marriage certificate, a silver coin collection, (approximate value of about $2,000.00) and I am not sure what else, as I do not live on the same island that they do. (Mom is still living)

Throughout my life of 61 years, I do not recall my sister ever apologizing for anything. She got into a dispute with her best friend from high school and college, and did not speak to her for about 20 years, a dispute with our mother, and they did not speak for about 3 years, an uncle, who she did not speak with for about 6 years, her oldest daughter who she did not speak with for about 8 months, an aunt which she has not spoken with for over 10 years and counting. I haven't had any such problems with family members until now, and I have not spoken to my sister for 7 almost months.

I hope that I covered enough, but I do not want to go rambling along with too much information which can be confusing.

What I need, is advice on how to handle this situation.
Aloha,
Akalabob

Wow, Bob, your sister sure sounds like she has something. Have you explored all the possibilites including Borderline Personlaity disorder?

Besides not speaking to people for a long time, does you sister exhibit signs of lacking a conscience?

This is a tough one when a person is in the family so to speak. No contact is the general idea with Psychopaths. Is this possible?

Di

Aloha Di,
I am not sure whether or not my sister has any remorse for what she does, but I really don't think so, because she never apologizes for anything. You would think that having that sister for 61 years, I should know the answer to that, but I really don't.

There was a time, when we were "friends", and the friendship ended abruptly when my dad passed away. I don't know if she was lying about some things while my dad was living, but I do know that she is telling some vicious lies about me now.

Here is one incident that might help. Four weeks ago, my sister went to my mother, shaking and crying, stating that she will never trust my mother's attorney again, because she believed that the attorney told ME, that she said that I was grabbing everything since my dad passed away. (He did not.) She also said that she should not have said that. Saying that she should not have said that is really an admission that she did say it. I told my mom, that something has to be done about the lying, but because of certain circumstances, my mother is forced to be neutral at this time. Between my sister and me, I have always been favored by my mother. (I think my dad favored my sister, but both mom and dad were very fair…)
Aloha,
AkalaBob

You say most of these problems started after the death of your father?

It could be related to the psychological trauma of seeing a loved one die, especially if she was close to your father. Perhaps you should explore this angle and try to convince your sister to see a psychologist (which won't be easy, I don't envy you the task).

Aloha TomaK,
I really don't think the problem started only after the death of my dad. I really think the problem started maybe as early as childhood, without my noticing until it really affected me.

My sister has a few things going for her. She is still a powerful person eventhough she is now out of office, because she knows a lot of people. Giving credit where credit is due, she is intelligent and good looking.

While I agree that she needs professional help, that is one thing that would be most difficult to get her to do, because I am really not speaking with her at this time.

I was very surprised by her damaging lies, as I never expected anything like that, but now I really wonder if she lied like that about the other people that she had disputes with...

I stumbled over Dr. Hare's checklist while surfing the WEB... Before, I thought that a psychopath was a criminal.. Now, I am a little less ignorant about it. I think my sister is a psychopath, although she doesn't break any laws.
Aloha,
Akalabob

Hey Akalabob, I agree that there may be some death issues going on with your sister....but, there is something else that may be possible. You said that your dad (sort of) favored your sister. Well, my grandmopther had always kept a sort lease on my mother; kept her in check. When she died though, all bets were off and she has become much more blatent with her tactics. Just something to think about.

Aloha Emittime,
You may be correct, but I have not given the whole story out because it would simply take too much space. My parents have been through a lot in their lifetimes.

My Dad lost his dad about a month before he was born, and lost his mother at the age of 12. Being the youngest of 8 children, dad was raised by his siblings. They did not know this, but they were either a half or a quarter Portuguese, with the remaining blood being Japanese. ALL of the 8 looked 100% Japanese, with the exception that some of them were "tall" for Japanese people their age. (About 5'8")

Dad fell in love with my mom, and against the wishes and will of most of his siblings, married her. (She is Korean, and Japan and Korea was at war...) Mom was the second child of a family of 7, with the oldest dying of typhoid at the age of 15. My grandfather, (my mother's dad) was a Methodist reverend, so they were very poor, and my mother was given up for adoption with no one ever adopting her… She was placed in the Susannah Wesley Home. Needless to say, my mom came from a VERY poor heritage, and was VERY insecure. This combined with her being Korean made her "trash" to my dad's older siblings.

When my sister was born, my dad was extremely proud. I think my mother might have been resentful, because she then had to share the "attention" that she got from my dad. Then, WW II started, and I was born. I think my sister might have been resentful because I was taking a LOT of the attention being a son of an Asian family. Mom and my sister never did get along well… Dad to me, was ALWAYS as fair as he could be.

While my parents were poor, we were a LOT better off than most of the Americans of Japanese Ancestry (AJA) here in Hawaii, because my dad had a job which was important to our government. The rest of the AJA were subject to extreme ethnic discrimination. My parents sent both my sister and me to private schools and college, which was common with less than 10% of the AJA I knew.

I think my sister believes that she got a "raw deal" when it came to our upbringing and opportunities, although she is a college grad, and became a leader in the Hawaii State Government. I also think that her actions are because she is taking measures to "even things up"…
Aloha,
Akalabob

"...Needless to say, my mom came from a VERY poor heritage, and was VERY insecure"

My Grandmother was the same way, and from a similar rough childhood. The psychopath "gene" seems to skip a generation on my mother's side, my great-grandmother abandoned my grandmother at birth.

The most important thing here to remember, is not to feel guilty now yourself. If she is a psychopath, there can be no love lost.