Hi KM56,

Welcome to the forum.

I almost threw up on the keyboard when I read that you met the P in a non-dating support forum. That’s where I met the P I knew and your initial description of him sounds so much like him that for one minute there I thought it must be the same man. I am 57 and I gather from your alias that you must be 56, so the age fits too. Be thankful that you never met him. I did! Since I met him in a support forum, I was (obviously) looking for and needed support and he caught onto this and shamelessly used it to his advantage.

I know it’s difficult to write about. You have never met him and yet you have experienced emotional abuse that makes you fearful and frightened, not just for yourself but for other on-line friends. The MO of this man is so close to the MO of the P I knew that it’s like a bad déjà vu.

One of the things that made me fall in love with the P, even though I had never met him, was his high intelligence and uncanny ability to use words. He is a real wordsmith and knows how to use words to get the maximum effect. I too fell in love with a man I had never met. We wrote daily emails to each other and before I met him, he was the kindest, most supportive and most thoughtful man I had ever encountered. Or so I thought!

This man had a violent past. What he has told me and what is actually the truth is very difficult to say. I met him several times. I flew thousands of miles to meet him and I wish I had not. Yet, even without having met him he had done damage that I am still fighting to repair. I have not had any email contact with him since Christmas and I have not seen him for two years. He’s a spook, a ghostly presence in my life and I will never write to him again.

I confess that I am concerned that the man you encountered is the same man that I met. There are some differences but that could be purely semantics from a clever mind.

Please do not write him anymore. Whether he is the same or another man, he is a dangerous acquaintance and he will continue to make you feel that you are Alice on a bad trip in Wonderland where nothing makes sense.

I will write to Dianne and give her a few markers about the P I knew. Dianne has my permission to pass these few tell-tale signs on to you. Dianne can do this without revealing our real names and email addresses. I am not certain if there is anything we can do if it is the same man, but at least you’ll know that you are not the only victim.

Please take care,

Nan

km56!

Welcome to the forum! You will find a lot of support and understanding here.

The internet has become quite a useful tool for P's on many levels. They are able to keep a tremendous amount of anonymity, revealing only what they choose to... or create,
while finding out as much about us, their "victims", as possible. And because they are free of having to impersonate feelings, intonation, facial expressions and body language they are cloaked in a cape of our own expectations and assumptions.

I know only too well about this because I met my P online as well. We chatted and e-mailed for four months. Now I know that all along he was gathering as much information about me as possible..... and he played me like a fiddle! I was totally sucked in. It's taken me a long time to give myself a break. As I have stated over and over again on here.... if we knew their "secret" when we first came across our P's we wouldn't have fallen for their schemes. And trust me, once you train yourself to remain "present" and start looking for what is missing rather than being sidetracked by the picture that is presented.... other borderline personality disorder individuals and P's that you meet will fall away rather quickly. They don't like it when people are onto them!

Rick

Ali, thank you for your welcome. I don't know about you, but did ever feel more like a "mother" than a "lover"? Like, I would have to reparent this person before he could accept love as an adult? And looking back, how ridiculous it was to even think I could take on that responsibility, P or no.

Nan, I don't blame you for your response. When I first found this forum I saw so many similarities to my P I wondered if some of his other victims, particularly his ex-GF, were already here. I hope you don't mind, but I just took a look at some of your old posts, and from the details I read, I really don't think your P and mine are the same person. In the "How to Spot a Psychopath" thread you say you're Danish and that when you visited him you were 5000 miles from home? That would put my P in the wrong geographical area to be your P. Also the 56 in my nick doesn't refer to my age or my date of birth.

My P was highly intelligent too, but all self-educated. He definitely wasn't a wordsmith. He was a self-made man, and I was impressed by all he'd overcome. There was a shy, vulnerableness to him that was a complete lie.

Nan, my heart goes out to you for your experience. I know that I'm lucky things did not go further.
Nan said:
"He’s a spook, a ghostly presence in my life and I will never write to him again."
Yes...that's how I feel.

I have no problem with you writing to Dianne, but I just wanted to reassure you quickly that I don't feel we are dealing with the same man. If we are, yes, I would like to know. Again, thanks for writing.

Rick, absolutely, I was *so* open with him. And later, words and ideas that I'd said would come back at me, parrotted out of his mouth as if they were his original thoughts.

Rick b1 said:
"It's taken me a long time to give myself a break."
Yup. And it's gonna take me awhile too. I still feel *guilty* about "abandoning him (which I know is crazy), and I'm still kicking myself about "how could I be so stupid,", and "where the hell did my own moral code go?", etc...

rick b1 said:
"They don't like it when people are onto them!"
Oh yeah! You should see the email he sent me last winter when I tried to break things off with him the first time. It's chilling.

K

Just to clarify.... I met my P online and we chatted & sent email's back and forth for 4 months. We finally met in person and started spending time together casually for 3 months. At that point I was asked if it I could have an "exclusive" relationship.... and I should have paid attention to that wording. Ha! It was not "mutually exclusive"... just "exclusive." P's are soooooooo tricky! Well, the relationship (or was it merely an experience?) lasted for another 4 months... a total of 11 months from initial contact to "light bulb moment!" And, come to think of it, the recovery took just about the same amount of time before I started feeling like myself again!

Rick

Hi K,

It's true that the different P's discussed sound very alike, almost as if they were the same person.

It's also true that I am Danish and yes, of course you are welcome to read any thread here, including mine. When I met the P on-line I lived in the States, so the 5000 miles away from home puts him in a country very close to DK, where I live now.

You write:

"I have no problem with you writing to Dianne, but I just wanted to reassure you quickly that I don't feel we are dealing with the same man. If we are, yes, I would like to know. "

The fact that you met him in a non-dating support forum really made me sit up and take notice and my first thought were that if it was the same man, I would do what I could to stop him. I know that he has meet, at least, one other woman on-line. I was terribly vulneable, when I met him, and to think that he had found another vulneable victim made me very angry and also very concerned for you since in your post it sounded as though you were still having some contact with him.

You have read some of my other posts and you are the best judge of whether this man is the same as the man I met. You write that the man you met is not a wordsmith. The P I knew IS a writer par exellence and I got so caught up in his clever words that I couldn't see the forest for the trees.

I have in fact left a letter with Dianne describing this man a little more. She will send it to you if you ask her for it.

You mention to Ali that you felt more like a mother than a lover. Yes, the P I knew even tried to call me mother. I was stupefied! He was a big baby with a violent mind.

You write:

"I am still kicking myself about "how could I be so stupid,"..."

Yes! A sad welcome to the club. With hindsight we are all wise.

So long as you do not have contact with him, you will slowly get better. I am sorry if I scared you. The thought that it could be the same man made my fear rise to the surface and all I could think was to do what I could to protect you against further damage from this clever man. It also brought many memories back, and I am certain that my fear was palable in my response to you.

I now have more good days than bad days, but the bad days are BAD.

Take care K,

Nan

Rick wrote:
"Ha! It was not "mutually exclusive"... just "exclusive." P's are soooooooo tricky!"
Oh yes! I watched a show on A&E last night about a man on trial for murdering his wife. He'd given 3 different versions of what happened the night of her death. On cross-examination, DA tried to pin him down to one version. The guy actually said, "For any question there are several different answers." I don't know if that man was a P, but that's pretty much how a P's mind works.

"And, come to think of it, the recovery took just about the same amount of time before I started feeling like myself again!"
It does an awful number on you. I'm glad you got out of it.

Nan wrote:
"also very concerned for you since in your post it sounded as though you were still having some contact with him."
No contact for 10 days now. Yay me! And he hasn't tried to contact me, which is odd (but good). I think the fact that, unlike last time, I didn't actually say goodbye, has made the difference. He's definitely got Narcissistic tendencies, and it was always *me* coming to him in our relationship. Now I've disappeared, and it would be beneath him to seek me out. Which is fine with me. Hope it stays that way. The last time, I explained to him why I had to end things, and he sent me a terrifying email. Silence is better.

I emailed Diane today asking her to forward your email to me, so we can determine if this is the same guy and put our minds at rest. From reading your posts, the only detail that really jumped out at me was that your P sometimes referred to himself in the third person. Mine did too.

And please, don't worry, you didn't scare me. I'm touched that you were concerned for me. This is a very caring community and I feel so lucky to have found it.

K

Hi K,

I got a message from Dianne that she had not received the list I wrote for you. I have now written and sent her another list. If you find anything there that rings your bell, please write me via Dianne and we can exchange more concrete details.

That bit about speaking of himself in the third person really was odd. I have never comes across another person who did that...well, maybe the English Queen does. This man spoke of himself by using the name of a powerful animal.


I am glad to hear that you have had no contact the last ten days. When I finally said goodbye, the P did not write me back. But it took a long time to get to that point. He loved to argue using a very advanced " begging the question" type of logic and when that did not work, he would whine and do the 'poor me' bit, trying, often successfully, to make me feel guilty.

The last time I saw him, he got angry over a trifle and said that he would kill me. He is a violent man.

Have you thought of seeing a therapist, just to get a handle on what's happening in your mind right now? It can be extremely helpful.

As far as the man. Should he write: Ignore his letters.
Stay clear of any contact. It's your best bet to heal your mind and get on with your life.

Take care,

Nan