I am sure there are a lot of members out there reading our posts, relating to our stories, perhaps drawing some parallels
with their own experiences. We would really appreciate hearing from you as it helps with our own healing as well.

Rick

Hello everyone

I have been reading the posts on this forum with great interest since I met one of your members on another forum and her story sounded so much like mine. This was only very recently, and it is the first time that I have thought that my husband could be a p. I thought that he had some kind of psychosis but now I understand the distinction.

I know that no-one here can diagnose him, but I would be interested to hear what others think of the possibility of p, and also I would be grateful for advice for the future apart from the NO CONTACT advice I have seen, which I intend to comply with.

I was swept off my feet by a man (I will call him p for now)who seemed perfect and who actually wanted to father my two children from a previous marriage. However soon into the marriage I hit problems when I found out that he was severely in debt but had omitted to tell me apart from mentioning his car (not expensive)was on credit. The reality was way above this. He only told me because he ended up unemployed soon after the marriage (and has remained so mostly). I was shocked that he could have deceived me by this ommission particularly as I had been married to a compulsive gambler previous (and he knew this) and I had been left to starve frequently. You would think that he would have realised I needed honesty more than most and financial stabilty and security.

The thing which hurt me though was the lack of real understanding or concern about what this knowledge would do to me. I lost respect and trust in him yet he did not even seem to be really sorry. Rather sorry that he had been found out. Whenever it was mentioned later he was always defensive saying, it was in the past why did I have to bring it up and he had said sorry what more did I want?

The amount was colossal for a young man who had been still living with his kind generous parents at 26. He lacked all sense of ecomomising, and resented my attempts to reform him (!) I had an inner feeling of something not right and felt that he was trying to change my sense of reality. I can remember a frequent saying of his 'Just you and me' and his belief that no-one was to be trusted. My family and friends soon disappeared from my world, seemingly going a bit strange with me. I have found out from my daughter that he would say things to her to sabotage our relationship. She soon started to cause a lot of trouble and was very angry with me whereas before we had a good relationship (she was 10 when we married) I lost contact with her after she went into care at 15 (she says because of p) and she did not want to see me. She said recently that p had kicked her and broken her leg.

Recently after over 20 years of a very unhappy marriage where he has totally disregarded all of my feelings, and where there has been constant issues and arguments over money and sex, he had very callously told me that he wants to end the marriage. But not a clear message like this. He seemed to be saying that he found it hard living with someone (anyone) and wants to live alone but for us to stay married and friends but this did not match with his behaviour which seemed to say that he wanted out of all obligations to me, and he had certainly started to treat me differently, with a great lack of respect. But he is never straight in what he means, it is always shrouded in this nice guy image (which most people are taken in by) Glib charm explains it perfectly.

Finding this forum has opened my eyes to so many things which puzzled me in the past and I am on to him now, which he knows and his treatment of me is deteriorating all of the time. He is verbally abusive and has been throwing things. He now thinks that we can stay in the same house and live separate (a strange turn around even considering the lack of opportunity for separate houses at present) This is not what he was saying in the first place. It is all a confused message from him which has been traumatising and confusing me but I am making sense of it all now and know that he is doing it to hurt me.

He seemed willing to find somewhere to live and this is what I want now but it will leave him too nearby and convenient especially as son no 1 will still be here (21) I would rather get right out of it but there are problems with housing and my health which is very poor. In fact living alone will be a major challenge for me.

I am going to a refuge soon for advice but I understand that not a lot is not known about p's.

What would others advise. Should I stay and ask him to leave or get out? I have opened my own bank account now and am trying to save some money. I have found that all of our money has been disapprearing since I left the finances to him a year ago since I have been more ill. I am still discovering the extent of what has been going on and the extent of all the lies he has told me. His insistance of separate finances has backfired on him when I came up with a scheme in which he keeps his disabilty payment to himself but stops him having access to the family finances.It is so fair that he is having trouble objecting due to the involvment of the boys who seem happy with the new arragement which will give me the opportunity to save. This house will have to be sold probably but I wont have enough to buy again and it will put me above benefit levels, so I will lose most of it.

And what do I say to my two boys at home who think that it is mainly my fault? How do I tell them if he is a p? The 21 year old is a sensitive lad and has an unhealthy relationship with his father. He spend hours trying to 'talk sense' into his father and actually father him instead of getting on with his own life.

P has got both the boys to lose respect for me and has actually projected himself onto me and they think that I have mental problems whereas I have just been stressed out of my mind. He has really set me up and has been giving the boys loads of money, making me worry about where they have been getting it from (the 21 year old is deeply in debt himself now) and making me confused about where it was going, hiding bank statements, using a seperate account etc and making it seem that I am paranoid and controlling.

I would really appreciate comments. Oh just as an aside, I think it more than coincidental that the decision to separate has come at the same time that he as discovered the stock market.

Hello again

I would really appreciate hearing from someone. I am feeling very traumatised by what I am discovering and have no one to talk to. Thanks.

Hi Benda,
Welcome to the forum. I stopped by just for a moment. Keep coming back you will find so much help available here. Don't give up on us. There will be someone here eventually. I don't come on here as much anymore but this place saved my life. I was so lost and only the people here knew what I was going through. Again, welcome, and hope to see you here again.
betterway

Brenda,

Welcome to the forum. You are asking all the right questions and doing all the right things. I'm sure that I can speak for all the forum members in saying that we feel your frustration, disappointment, disbelief, dejection, and hurt. It's a difficult place to be in. Believe me though....even though you will feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster....it will get better. The more you read, the more people that you talk to.... the better understanding that you will have about dealing with your P. You will be amazed at how many repressed/supressed stories and situations will come back to you. If you can see a therapist or counselor that has experience in dealing with personality disorders all the better.
As far as all the individual catastrophe's that you have experienced are concerned both financially and personally .... it is a hard place to be. You should take comfort in the fact that you did not experience any physical injuries and that your life has not been threatened.
If you have not read Dr. Hare's book ... Without Conscience ... pick it up. It is one of the best sources of information that I have read. So, read, read, read, talk, talk, talk. I have encountered many other people that have experienced the P personality....people that I would never have imagined and these exchanges have been invaluable in my process.
It is going to take some time for you to feel "normal" and trusting again. From my own, limited, experience with a P...
I can only say that no contact has been the way back to recovery for me.

Rick

Hi Brenda

Just read your posts. It certainly sounds like your man is likely to be a P, especially since he has managed to persuade other people that it is you who have the mental problems. This seems to crop up in so many people's posts - and every time I read one of them, including yours, I am struck by the fact that the person writing the post comes across as totally sane and logical ie not a mental problem in sight, except for those caused by the stress of living with a P.

You are in a very difficult situation, since as you say it will be hard to manage financially etc with living alone. However, it sounds like in the long term your P is much more of a financial burden than an asset. If you can persuade him to go and leave you with the house, so much the better - though he may prove very difficult to dislodge. My own decision when I left mine was to just go and leave him with absolutely everything, for the sake of my sanity. My daughter and I have had some rough times financially but I have never regretted that decision. However, I was in good health and still had something left of a career, so the cases may not be the same.

You mention the possibility of losing benefits if you sell the house. It may be a good idea to visit your nearest Citizen's Advice centre (or the equivalent wherever you live) to try to get some idea of the best options open to you. If you took in a lodger or something, would you be able to keep the house? Just a suggestion.

It is so sad that he has put your children against you. However, in time, they will no doubt come to realise where the true problem lies. For now, all you can do is keep loving them, and try not to let the P provoke you into any illogical or heavily emotional behaviour that will reinforce his claims that you are the one with the problem. (Easier said than done, but it is something to aim for!)

I really hope things work out for you.

Thank you so much for responding. I had a bad night last night so really needed some imput. Each step I take in understanding the last 22 years and having more lights switched on is both liberating yet at the same time, horrific and traumatising.

Hi betterway

Yes, I have found this site, and the older one on psychopathy to have been life saving. I particularly found an article on manipulation and control so revealing.

Hi rick

Yes I can see that things will be much better as time goes on and especially when I am apart from p. The last few days have really destroyed all of my trust in him since I have found out to what extent he has been lying to me and I will never believe anything he says from now and I want to be away from him. Yes I am getting repressed situations etc back and understanding the conflict I was always in between what p would have me believe ie his version of the 'truth' and what others and common sense seemed to be saying. Because of wanting to make the marriage work, for the childrens sake and because of the commitment I made before God, I often had to stop thinking and give my husband the benefit of the doubt and try to see things his way. His way was certainly convincing but not quite enough. I can now see that others saw through him. But he had me thinking that he was always misunderstood and therefore a victim. It is so wonderful to have this conflict ended and to see him as he is. I am looking for a counsellor but things like that are not easy to find in the deprived northeast of England. The new centre I have heard about will be a difficult journey due to my health but I am determined to get there when they open again next week. I have ordered Dr Hare's book from my bookshop so am looking forward to reading that. The thing that i was wondering about was, is it more about the criminal p's? I want something that my son's can read and where they will recognise their father.

Yes I can see that it takes time to trust ones own judgement again. What helps me here is that I have changed so much and have grown increasingly aware of what my husband has been doing manipulating me as I have been wising up. I put this down to the work that God has been doing in me in healing me from a life of abuse and setting me free. I know that I will not be vulnerable again in the future and besides I will trust Him to bring a future partner to me if that is what he wants for me rather than me be alone. I did not ask Him to choose in the past and made three bad choices.

Hi Ali

Thanks for your comment. I was even thinking last night, was I a p? I know it is just stress. The difficulty living alone is not so much the financial but because I have nearly total allergy syndrome and react very badly to all chemicals so that I cannot even use unscented (they are scented to me) household products so that I could do my own housework or travel outside etc. I am hoping to get advice about the house this next week. It will have to go according to DSS rulings whoever leaves, but it would be better for me to have time to find somewhere suitable.

Thanks a lot for that advice to not become emotional so that the boys are reinforced in what my husband is telling them ie that it is me who has the mental problem. I have been making more effort to talk to them to break that division my husband has developed between them and me. I can see the sense in leaving things to pan out but is it best to tell them what I am learning yet or is it best to wait until I am away from my husband and more out of danger as he is becoming more and more aggressive towards me?

Thanks for being there. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Hi Brenda

Re your kids: My advice (dunno if its good) is to be very sure in your own mind of all the facts before you think of breaking it to them. Research as much as you can, and know exactly why you believe your husband to be a P. There is no hurry; rather be sure and do things in your own time. What age are they? I do think also that it would be better to make the break first, and get your life going on an even keel. They will then be able to see the sane 'you' - away from the P's unbalancing influence. Things may get worse with them for a bit, as the P will try to make them adopt his point of view, but this will pass. Just love them, and be you, and you will find that they will eventually relate to this.

I'm so glad that you have got closer to God thru all this. Me too; without Him I would still not be able to cope, even now.

Re the allergies: I believe that allergies and stress are closely related, and if you can get yourself into a less stressful situation you may find that all of that improves. I really hope so.

Brenda,

Yes, Dr. Hare's book is focused on the criminal psychopath. The body of his work was conducted in prisons, so it makes sense. However, within the individual stories patterns of personality traits and conduct emerge that reflect the various experiences that we all share as victims. And he does write about noncriminal psychopaths as well. I recommended the book because it is extremely informative, accurate, well organized and easy to read.
It is a sad truth, but psychopaths will try to turn others against you... particularly when they know you are onto their game. All you can do is be the best person that you can be... truthful, consistent, loving, a woman of integrity... and set a good example for your children.
A few questions if you don't mind? How does your husband respond to criticism? Most psychopaths cannot tolerate it.
When posing questions to him, have you ever asked him how he "feels" about something? Try this, rather than asking him yes or no questions. Even if you get into an argument with him....press him to explain/express his feelings about the situation. He will, most likely, find this very confusing
unless he is very cunning and has learned certain buzzwords to deflect you. Most psychopaths cannot accurately describe the mid-range emotions and feelings that we take for granted....love, sympathy, empathy, etc...
If you do have to encounter your husband on a daily basis approach the situation consciously. Try, as hard as you possibly can, to remain calm and not let your emotions show in your face or your voice....even if he tries to argue with you or upset you somehow. Again, he will find this very confusing and frustrating.
Rick

Hi Ali

Thanks for that, it has really helped me. I thought that I ought to let the boys know soon because of my mothers instinct to protect but you are right. Yes I must take more time to be absolutely sure it is not some other personality disorder and it would be best to wait till I am on my own. That is soooo helpful and has taken a lot of pressure off me. I have noticed that the boys are showing even less respct for me at the moment and I will have a rough ride with them but the truth always wins in the end, right? They are 21 and 17 by the way. Yes I know that the allergies will improve once the stress goes down. I read somewhere that the best way to make someone smaller in your life is to put more into it and I have decided today to try to get more Christian contact locally. I can't go to church because of my health but I could make more contact with Christians I knew from the past and have lost touch with..

Hi rick

My husband is HIGHLY intolerant to criticism, even when warranted. At the slightest hint of it he becomes extremely defensive and aggressive. I will try asking him about his feelings. Thanks for that tip. I have already disovered that he becomes subdued and confused if I show no emotion. I am finding that hard at the moment but will try to do it more. These are very useful tips on how to cope with him until I am on my own. The thing that has caused me the most upset is the callous way he cast off the 22 year marriage as though it was like changing ones clothes. The things he said were so hurtful I can hardly believe he said them, like he said he knew early on that he had married the wrong one and that he has been living a sham. I know that it was not like this but he is doing as much as he can to hurt me as he dismisses me from his life. He even said that he was really really sorry about not telling me about the debt when we first got married and sounded like he really meant it for the first time but I think that he only put it on to hurt me more by putting something right that he had never done before and therefore making me want to try again with the marriage. Sorry if that sounds confusing but is this common to be so calculatingly cruel? The cruelty does make it easier to show no emotion as I have no love left for him now. (but I know that I must forgive him) Is forgiveness something that you have seen as a necessity?