Hello everyone:

Please help me. I've come to believe that my ex-husband is psychopathic. He horribly abused me emotionally and physically. He sadisticly abused me for hours on two specific occasions. We are now divorced with joint custody of my little boy. He agreed to me getting primary custody because I had witnesses of black eyes (co-workers). His family thinks he's a great father and wonderful guy. I did not let them see my black eyes. They now think I'm a liar about the abuse. I decided to settle when he gave me most of the rights to my son because I was afraid he'd somehow fool the judge and he'd end up with more rights. He fools everyone and his abuse was towards me and not our son at that point. If he hadn't left me with a black and blue face on the one occasion that my co-workers saw--there would be no one that would believe that he could be that way.

I recently read about compensated or social psychopaths and that's him precisely. He's very intelligent and holds a prestigious job. He thinks up excuses for his abuses. He has no remorse for what he did to me. He has no empathy. He acts like he cares about people--but I don't think he does. He seems like this great guy. Women, especially, find him very attentive and charming. He listens to them and seems like he caring. He is not big and brawny. He's not what the general public assumes an abuser to look or act like. He was heavily into pornography and I'm sure, still is. I thought of him as a definate narcissist and possible sociopath. I never looked into psychopathy until just recently and it hit the nail on the head...

Recently, I witnessed abusive behavior from him towards my son while my son was in the hospital. I was disgusted. I called him on it and told him that I wanted to follow the divorce papers as far as visitation. He didn't like losing control of when he saw our son and decided to take me to court to try to get joint custody. You'd think this would be an open and shut case--but it's not. He comes up with excuses for everything--"it was a game," "or it was just a joke..." "or she's just over-emotional," etc. People just can't believe that this nice guy is that way and they believe his excuses.

My son, who is 5, recently told me about the mean way he's talked to and punished (never with brusises or scars, though) by my ex-husband and his fiance. My son does not want to go to their house. My attorney told me to take my son to a psychotherapist to give my son "a voice" at the custody hearing since what my son told me would be "hearsay." My son told the psychotherapist about several incidents. The therapist told me that it was definately abusive behavior but that she wanted to call my ex in to her office to talk with him. She said she'd get him comfortable to see if he would "stick his foot in his mouth."

He went into her office last week and she, just today, completely did an about face and told me that she thought maybe it would be best for me and my ex to go into her office to sit down to discuss my son together and come to some "compromises for my son's sake." He now has fooled the psychotherapist. Completely snowed her into believing his act.

I don't know how to combat him and protect my son. He will damage him; I now know that. Now, I'm viewed as the one out to hurt his reputation as a good father by "crying abuse." I don't know what to do. Please help me with some ideas...

Sincerely, Caroline

Hi Caroline

I read your post and some of it reminded me so closely of what happened to me. Alhough with my P his family knew there was something - he only used them when he had to. Does your ex have all the traits of a P - or is it just the abuse?

Whatever the reason I know the hell of having the 'experts' be conned and manipulated by the P. It happened to me and of course the more I tried to prove I was telling the truth the less I was believed. I just had to take my daughter and leave. But he could have pursued residency - luckily I gambled on the fact that he was to taken up with his next victim to want this. But he still fooled the court and he still has rights he could try to exercise.

There is no esay answer - and it is hell waiting while your child is with him. Is he likely to get tired of the access? Will he stop tormenting you if he has someone else in his life? Can you see the psychiatrist on her own ad find out what line he used - you can't respond until you know what he has said. Personally I have no faith in experts or the system - but if you can find someone who knows what you are describing and can help then you might get somewhere.

I wish we could all unite to make the systems in our countries realise what these Ps are like and how much damage they do - time after time.

My prayers are with you. Plese keep in touch with the site as I am sure others may have a more positive story and advice - Writer1 came up with ideas for me if you look back thru the posts.

Good luck

Recovery

Hi Caroline, welcome to the forum. There is nothing sadder than to have children in the middle with Psychopaths. As adults we have a choice to leave, but not the same for children. I am sure others will come around and offer their support and insights to you.

Have you had a chance to read Dr. Hare's book?

Di

Thanks for writing back Recovery and Di:

Recovery: Where do I look to find the advice Writer1 gave you?

My ex does show the signs that Dr. Hare lists but I'm just now discovering this and have not read his book yet...

He seemed so charming at first. He listened, gave compliments and was there all the time. That all ended when I was "hooked."
... He puts himself at the center of the world and acts like he has all this self-esteem and confidence--but it's not real
...He needs constant stimulation and has nervous habits of touching his face and his nose all the time
... He's such a liar that he's even confused things I've said with things he's said and can't keep it straight (I'm hoping that will mess him up on the stand). He tells me things we both know are lies with a straight face like he actually believes himself! (??)
...He's very manipulative--getting everyone to gladly do what he wants before they even realize it
...He showed what I believed to be remorse after the first two abuse incidents. After that, he didn't care and blamed me. He said that "he lost some sort of innocence" in himself after he beat me up. How's that for putting himself first??
...He has lived with several women and friends moving in with them--never the other way around... I had an inheritance from my dad and when he filed for divorce I had about $27 in the bank
...He is definately promiscuous. I know he'll never be faithful to one woman--no way
...He's very impulsive and irresponsible.
He's just about everything on that list to the "nth" degree--those are just some examples.

I ordered the book "The Emptied Soul" which is supposed to be about "compensated" psychopaths. He has a prestigious occupation and it sounds like him. I guess even I don't picture him as a criminal--but beating and brutalizing someone isn't exactly non-criminal behavior.

I'm just sick about this whole thing...

How am I supposed to go up to a judge and say this man is a psychopath? They'll think I've completely lost it.

I don't know if he'll get tired of the access. He's so concerned with how he "looks" to the outside world and to his family that I doubt it. He has a fiance now who's about 10 years younger than him so maybe if they'll have a baby...but I still doubt he'd give up control of me. I don't think the psychotherapist will tell me what he told her because of confidentiality. I told her straight out--"Please don't let him trick you. Please..."--but he did. I didn't want to get desperate on the phone with her when she started doing her turn around, but I really am. It's like you said Recovery--the more you try to explain the abuse, the less you're believed. It's horrible. How can I tell a judge that now a psychotherapist has it wrong? They all think it's me. We probably won't even call her as a witness now. The sad thing is that even though my son went in and told her in his own words some of what happened and how he felt it didn't make a difference. My ex got to her somehow.

Thanks for letting me talk about this here--at least things are starting to make sense when nothing about him made sense before...

Love to everyone, Caroline

Hi Caroline, in order to view old posts, click on a persons name and you can select to view all of their posts. I hope that helps.

Caroline click here

Caroline,

Your story is a fine example of the twisted and sordid web that the psychopath weaves. No one including family members, friends, business associates, neighbors, intimate partners and casual aquaintances have any clue as to exactly what they are truly dealing with. Once the mask of the psychopath is uncovered, however, their tangled story of lies, deception, con games, manipulation and abuse is only too clear to the enlightened. It is a frightening position to be in. I know, too well, that the only people that can truly relate to this experience are those that have been there themselves. There is no horror film nor book that can
truly do justice to this nightmare. It shakes the very foundation that our souls are built on.

If I have learned anything in the last nine months it is that we can't set the situation right. Your P will, most likely, keep on living his life in this way for a very long time to come. As far as the therapist is concerned...it is well documented that P's con them like everyone else. Most therapists refuse to deal with them...knowing that there is little that can be accomplished. As far as the "new woman" is concerned, in the event that you have any exchange with her in the future perhaps you would consider telling her something like this...."there may come a time when things don't make sense and are confusing. If you ever need someone to confide in know that my door is always open." I would leave it at that.
In the meantime, do your very best to ignore your P. If you do encounter him try not to show any emotions. Act bored no matter what buttons he tries to push. And if you do need to react you can always say to him "well, that's interesting...why do you feel that way? How does that make you feel?" You will see him scramble as he tries to avoid the question and change the subject. Eventually he will get bored and move on.

Rick

I have been reading your posts and see how well versed some of you are on this personality disorder. I read the book "Without Conscience". I learned a lot more than I wanted to. It almost made me feel sick to have to see the reality of my son's personality and life in those pages.

I had a message on my machine from my son tonight. I could hear it in his voice. He wants or needs something. It is the only time he calls me. I felt sick inside knowing I can't fool myself any more pretending it is because he cares. He only wants. Does anyone feel fear from just a voice? We are 100 miles away but I know how slick he can be pushing at my buttons. Any responses?
sjs

SJS,

Yes, I think one of the most traumatic experiences that we, as victims, can encounter is contact with the P's in our life
once we are fully aware of the situation. It is numbing, surreal,
unbelievable and...yes... scary.
Like you, I almost became sick when I finally understood the depth of this disorder. As I have written in other postings.... a deep, gutteral moan came out of my body when the realization hit me. I could not stop it. It was more intense than a cry or a scream. .... as if every cell of my being was in mourning. I did not know I was capable of such a sound.
I know the fear you are refering to from just hearing a voice. I also experienced this just by seeing my P's car.
I know it will be difficult for you not to give in to your son's wants. However, I have read enough to realize that once a P understands that "the bank is no longer open for business" he usually moves on to the next target. Just make sure to keep that "closed for business" sign hanging on your front door for years to come. It's a tough thing to do....but necessary nonetheless. That is my advice anyway.

Rick

Hi Caroline,
Welcome to the group. I know it is so over whelming to discover the reality and harm these P's can cause to us and those we love. I am glad you found the group. It has helped me so much to keep reading what others have to say. Some of these people are so knowledgeable and really have studied this disorder. It is amazing how these P's can fool so many for so long. The P in my life is my son. It is so hard to admit that. It hurts a lot. He has two little girls and I hope stays away from them. He has nothing good or authentic to offer. On one hand I am so angry and rageful and on the other really sorry and sad for my son because he is so lacking in things most people can experience. No empathy or concidence is a horrible thing to live with. I learned a lot from Dr. Hare's book, Without Conscience. I would recommend it highly. Keep logging on and know your not alone. You have that wonderful son to take care of.
sjs

This is my 3d start but the email keeps vanishing. Caroline it will get better you just need the strength and help to keep going.

You can search on the thread Hi to recovery and find posts by writer1 then click on that name to get all her posts. Let me know if that does not work.

Take care

Recovery